All the effort I've put into being a better person just isn't seeming to pay off in the gay lifestyle...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    First off, I'd like to say I am so glad I found this forum. I first found it last Friday and since then I have only browsed the topics (found on google).

    Anyhow, lately I just been feeling set back almost to the point where I'm finding increasingly harder to go out to a gay club, or go on sites like adam and try to meet someone.

    Now, I am a completely different person than I was around this time 3 years ago. I've been in the gym for almost 3 years and have gone from skinny to athletic in build. I've changed my wardrobe. I've even read up on books to help learn how to talk and approach people (since most gay guys never approach me first).

    Well, all of that has been done yet the results I'm getting back are disappointing to say the least. For example, I just moved to Denver. So far I've met several guys over the past few months since I been here. It always end up the same story: they give me the number, act all interested...maybe have sex, but then after that they've got a boyfriend. Or they're talking to someone. I had a bartender guy the other day say, "I'm not normally attracted to Black guys, but you are hot" and then he gives me his number. When I tried contacting him, he never responded and then finally he says, "dude, I have boyfriend, not looking for a relationship." Yet, I never even mentioned anything about that!

    In other, less committed situations...I'll put in the effort to make the 1st move in a non-sexual, not in your face way and most of the time they aren't interested. And I feel obligated to approach people because 99% of the time, most (especially Latino or White) gay guys can't approach a TALL, athletic built Black guy because they are too intimidated. So it's not like I can just, "wait for them to come up to you" because they don't.

    And then...I've had some who do, and they turn out to be either sluts or drugged up or something to inhibit their fear of approaching someone.

    This has been going on for many months. The last time I can remember I was in a steady, mutually attractive, mutually SINGLE relationship was literally 3 years ago! Since then, nothing. Yet, everyone I come across seems to have someone.

    It's not even that I'm so desperate to have someone, but it's utterly disappointing to try to go out to a nightclub, have a good time, maybe chat someone up (because let's be honest, what fun is it to go to a nightclub ALONE and leave ALONE and not talk to anyone the whole night? BORING!). But it seems like every attempt to get to know someone turns to be a disappointment.

    So basically, I'm thinking of just dropping the gay scene - clubs, online, everything. But then, I don't know what's left out there for us. I can go to starbucks 50 times, the mall 50 times and never meet anyone. I've never had any luck at the gym either.

    Is there anyone who has been in my predicament? Did you give up, or give in?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    Another case of looking for love in all the wrong places. icon_biggrin.gif

    Living the gay life isn't all about bars and nightclubs. Have you found any gay social clubs in your area? It might be better to focus your efforts on making friends, and meeting people that have the same interests/hobbies as you. Sometimes friendships turn into relationships. And other times, friendships result in meeting other friends.

    Point is, don't try too hard to find a boyfriend. It will happen. In the mean time, meet new people and enjoy life a little. Someday, you'll be able to enjoy life with someone special. You're 23.. You have lots of time.
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    Mar 29, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    xrichx saidHave you found any gay social clubs in your area? It might be better to focus your efforts on making friends, and meeting people that have the same interests/hobbies as you. Sometimes friendships turn into relationships. And other times, friendships result in meeting other friends.

    Point is, don't try too hard to find a boyfriend. It will happen. In the mean time, meet new people and enjoy life a little. Someday, you'll be able to enjoy life with someone special. You're 23.. You have lots of time.


    I agree that friends can open the door to new friends. However, I don't know of any social gay clubs in the area except the 'dance' clubs. It's the only thing I know where I can meet other guys.

    I'm open to friendships. I do enjoy life, don't get me wrong. But at the same time it's nice to be able to have someone around. But, I don't need the wrong people around. Point in case:

    There's a guy I've known for a few months now. We dated a bit, grew apart...and then met again for the 1st time in 2 months this past weekend. He COULD be everything I want in a guy physically. He has a naturally athletic body, big cock, nice ass, caring unselfish personality. But, he is a borderline train wreck. He doesn't care about his hygiene, he's 23 years old and lives with his mom, and I'm constantly having to get on him about little things. Get a driver's license, brush your teeth, get a haircut, shower before you leave the house and wear cologne, join a gym, stop dealing with low lives and people who treat you like crap, find a better job because obviously what you're doing isn't cutting it, take responsibility for your own actions: basically...stop acting like a bum! He get's upset with me, yet he complains about how people treat him like a criminal and a nobody.Well because the way he presents himself! And then on top of that, he lives in this 'woe is me, everyone around is out to get me" state. And every time he calls me, it's another serious drama. It almost reminds me of how I was when I was first living on my own...Except he's doing nothing to improve his situation.

    Its to the point where I just cannot associate myself with him. We were about to have sex the other night and 5 minutes into it I just could not continue. There was just nothing there for me.

    Anyway, getting off topic LOL. But thats what I'm talking about. It's like when I do meet someone who comes into my life, it's almost never someone who is on the same level. The guys out their with money, a decent job and a car...they're taken most of the time. Not that I'm gold-digging, but I rather have someone on my level rather than someone who's not going to contribute anything in the relationship.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Mar 29, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    Try girls, they are more reliable and less slutty.
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    Mar 29, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    I have done the gay pubs and night clubs, in my youth; 20's, and fitted in well. I was the one who never went chasing as it always come to me. All I had to do was get on the dance floor with no shirt on, or just stand there with a few buttons undone on my shirt. To the point I would get an offer early in the night, and I would be like come back at 1:00AM; just in case something better come along, and more times than not it did. But.......now in such clubs and pubs, I feel like a fish out of water, even though I am noticed when I walk in the door.

    I tryed the gay and lesbian chorus in recent years, and volleyball too. But I did not play the game and I was not doing it to get a root either, so it did not work for me, as my agenda was diffrent to others.

    There is a whole other world out there other than gay clubs and pubs, and it is possible to meet Mr right out there too. I myself would never feel intimidated by a tall black fella; I would be like OMG, and want to talk with you.

    All the best.
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    Mar 29, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    It's often referred to as "New Meat Syndrome". Everyone wants to "bed" the new, hot guy in the bar. Relax, enjoy and appreciate all the improvements you've made to yourself on the past 3 yrs.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 29, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    You have to understand the guys at bars/clubs looking to bed someone are not going to be the best quality wen it comes to relationship and monogamy. Stick to non cruising dating web sites, sports clubs, etc
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 29, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidYa needz 2 stop awl dat HO'n 'n icon_smile.gif

    start socializing in non-bar and internet free environments.


    Absolutely my thoughts. My bf used to live in Denver and I know he was involved in quite a number of gay related activities out there, including a softball league. I'm sure you could get names of some social related organizations.. or even contact the publishers of the local gay publication there and ask some questions of what they might recommend.

    If you want a different result, put your efforts in a different direction. Work on a board or committee that benefits the community and in the process people will get to know you in potentially a non sexual (and perhaps to them, non threatening) way.. it can really work to your advantage when somebody knows "Brian" for "Brian" first.
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    Mar 29, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    AntoNomad saidTry girls, they are more reliable and less slutty.


    qft
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    Mar 29, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    I hear you brother!! I have been through all that you have and more. As a tall guy I can relate. you will always have to make the first move, people are intimidated by you and there's nothing you can do about it. Keep doing what your doing and people will start to get to know you and warm up alittle. Things change, these are gay guys so if they have a boyfriend on saturday they probobly won't by the next friday so try again if your interested. Also as others have posted try to expand your circle. even if it's just going to different clubs. and finally don't give up!! There are real gems out there, you just have to dig through a lot of shit to find them. I met my partner while on a date with a guy who turned out to be a real douche, we've been together 22 yrs icon_biggrin.gif Good luck!!
  • aaronkei

    Posts: 211

    Mar 29, 2011 5:06 PM GMT
    Well guys are pretty bad but there are some of us that aren't so bad. It all depends on your location in my opinion maybe you should try going somewhere else or maybe even a vacation and seeing if you can find someone a little better. Again not all guys are untrustworthy and what not but a majority of them are so why don't you try being observant and then you'll be able to tell by the way they act. And also good luck because I find the same problem except I'm a short white guy haha but never been afraid of a tall black guy tbh icon_razz.gif of course us short ones are feisty icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2011 5:19 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidYa needz 2 stop awl dat HO'n 'n icon_smile.gif

    start socializing in non-bar and internet free environments.


    Absolutely my thoughts. My bf used to live in Denver and I know he was involved in quite a number of gay related activities out there, including a softball league. I'm sure you could get names of some social related organizations.. or even contact the publishers of the local gay publication there and ask some questions of what they might recommend.

    If you want a different result, put your efforts in a different direction. Work on a board or committee that benefits the community and in the process people will get to know you in potentially a non sexual (and perhaps to them, non threatening) way.. it can really work to your advantage when somebody knows "Brian" for "Brian" first.


    ^ This. My partner and I are involved in a gay social club. There's lots of singles, and it's a non-threatening way of getting to know people. What's more, there has to be quite a few RJ'ers in Denver. Message them. Ask if they want to go and work out. Also, I see your travel location is SLC. That has one of the most vibrant gay and friendly gay scenes in the U.S. Go there and hang out! You'll be surprised. Instead of looking for boyfriends, look for friends, and see if there's chemistry.

    I do want to say that you're on the right track though. How many posts have I seen on here from people who bemoan not meeting anyone, and then don't do anything about it. You have learned how to meet people and you do it, and you TRY. The thing is, when you fish in the sewage lagoon, the only thing you're going to get on the line is turds.

    Good luck!
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 29, 2011 5:31 PM GMT
    To reinforce the above: look for some things to do that put you in touch with guys casually. Try volunteer work, book or movie discussion groups, church, yoga, hiking or photography, birdwatching, classes of some kind. Just hang out and get to know folks. They will be more relaxed and then you can go from there. Take your time. At 23, there are lots of opportunities.
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    Mar 29, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    I find the best approach is to go about your day and keep an open eye. The bar scene can put a lot of pressure on people and give a very cruisy vib to it. Plus, the damn things are usually dark, talk about a surprise!

    Go to coffee shops, go to the parks, join social groups, and be friendly and outgoing. Thats the best bet.
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    Mar 29, 2011 6:13 PM GMT
    BuiltBrian said--First off, I'd like to say I am so glad I found this forum. I first found it last Friday and since then I have only browsed the topics (found on google). This is a GREAT site for a lot of reasons.

    Anyhow, lately I just been feeling set back almost to the point where I'm finding increasingly harder to go out to a gay club, or go on sites like adam and try to meet someone. I don't understand why so many go to sites like adam4adam looking for a relationship when that site is NOT built for that. Sure, it has happened, but lets be real about it. That isn't what Adam4adam is for.

    Now, I am a completely different person than I was around this time 3 years ago. I've been in the gym for almost 3 years and have gone from skinny to athletic in build. I've changed my wardrobe. I've even read up on books to help learn how to talk and approach people (since most gay guys never approach me first). My hat is off to you on this. Jumping ahead here, but make sure you did this for YOU and not just to make other people comfortable.

    Well, all of that has been done yet the results I'm getting back are disappointing to say the least. For example, I just moved to Denver. So far I've met several guys over the past few months since I been here. It always end up the same story: they give me the number, act all interested...maybe have sex, but then after that they've got a boyfriend. Or they're talking to someone. I had a bartender guy the other day say, "I'm not normally attracted to Black guys, but you are hot" and then he gives me his number. When I tried contacting him, he never responded and then finally he says, "dude, I have boyfriend, not looking for a relationship." Yet, I never even mentioned anything about that! Can we say 'flavor of the month. Had that said to a me a few times as well and they got filed under 'Next!' No one should be subjected to that kind of crap.

    In other, less committed situations...I'll put in the effort to make the 1st move in a non-sexual, not in your face way and most of the time they aren't interested. And I feel obligated to approach people because 99% of the time, most (especially Latino or White) gay guys can't approach a TALL, athletic built Black guy because they are too intimidated. So it's not like I can just, "wait for them to come up to you" because they don't. Can't disagree with you here, but that is not to say that you can't make people feel more at ease even though their trepidation says more about them than it does about you. It just matters whether you are willing to make the effort and you don't have to do that with everyone.

    And then...I've had some who do, and they turn out to be either sluts or drugged up or something to inhibit their fear of approaching someone. Move along, nothing to see here kind of folks.

    This has been going on for many months. The last time I can remember I was in a steady, mutually attractive, mutually SINGLE relationship was literally 3 years ago! Since then, nothing. Yet, everyone I come across seems to have someone.

    It's not even that I'm so desperate to have someone, but it's utterly disappointing to try to go out to a nightclub, have a good time, maybe chat someone up (because let's be honest, what fun is it to go to a nightclub ALONE and leave ALONE and not talk to anyone the whole night? BORING!). But it seems like every attempt to get to know someone turns to be a disappointment. Clubs and some online sites are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to meeting other people. If it is a date you are seeking, lots of venues to meet guys for that and it sounds like you are headed in the right the direction. Denver is a huge area with a pretty good size gay community. Get involved with the local community center to see what groups or activities are available that you might be interested in to put yourself out there in other arenas.

    So basically, I'm thinking of just dropping the gay scene - clubs, online, everything. But then, I don't know what's left out there for us. I can go to starbucks 50 times, the mall 50 times and never meet anyone. I've never had any luck at the gym either.

    Is there anyone who has been in my predicament? Did you give up, or give in? And no, I dropped out for a while, but I would never give up on me. Chin up!
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    Mar 29, 2011 7:10 PM GMT
    It seems like I've heard this from Denver more than anyplace else, but there must be great guys there. I don't know which internet dating sites best serve your area, but I would not give up on online dating. It seems like most the people I know in LTRs (that last years) met online. You might want to explore some new sites. I have not dated in over 7 years, but at the time things got better when I focused on relationship potential rather than trophy dudes.
  • sea_buddy

    Posts: 143

    Mar 29, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    Story of every quality gay dude's life. haha

    I'd say try out some other scenes. Gay sports clubs, homo-friendly churches, gay advocacy groups.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    I started to write a long thoughtful response...but I can't muster it anymore for the under 30 crowd who project this "must have a relationship to validate my life/existence" mentality.

    We have to be happy and secure in and of ourselves before we're ever gonna be happy with and for someone else. Which means we have to get to a place where we're A-OK alone, not lamenting what we don't have. Only then are we truly ready to accommodate what another person (and thus love) can bring to our lives.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all the uplifting replies! It really helps.

    I have tried meetup.com but everything there seemed to be stuff I wasn't interested in. Bird Watching? Thats the 40s and 50s crowd LOL. Poker, walkathons, just stuff I wouldn't have any interest in.

    And just walking around and living life has not proven to help meet anyone. I think alot of it has to do with America, if not the places I've lived. Is there anyone from San Fran or L.A. or NYC who can say how easy or hard it is to meet random guys in places?

    Again, it all comes down to who approaches who. I get tired of always having to be the one to make the first move in every encounter. Yet most times people do absolutely nothing to make it easier or to even give off a vibe that they'd like to be spoken to.

    I do believe there's some guys who are attracted to me, but all they do is stare. It's like, grow some balls and say something to me!
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    Your last comment makes me wonder who exactly it is you'd wish would approach you? Are you only interested in a specific type of guy?

    As far as meeting new people, Google search for your local gay volleyball, baseball, basketball leagues. I used to chat with a guy on RJ who belonged to a gay baseball league in Denver.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    Please donĀ“t use the phrase "gay lifestyle".

    It is the preserve of the religious right
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI started to write a long thoughtful response...but I can't muster it anymore for the under 30 crowd who project this "must have a relationship to validate my life/existence" mentality.

    We have to be happy and secure in and of ourselves before we're ever gonna be happy with and for someone else. Which means we have to get to a place where we're A-OK alone, not lamenting what we don't have. Only then are we truly ready to accommodate what another person (and thus love) can bring to our lives.


    I am perfectly fine alone. I live alone. I travel on road trips alone, I go to the gym and club alone. I shop alone. I have sex alone...

    I am secure living alone, but do I wish to have it that way ALL the time? No. I tend to have more fun, and be a bit more enthusiastic about life when I'm around someone temporary. It begins to become a bit disconcerting when you go places, and never have anyone to go with because they always have an excuse not to meet up.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    BuiltBrian said
    I am perfectly fine alone. I live alone. I travel on road trips alone, I go to the gym and club alone. I shop alone. I have sex alone...

    I am secure living alone, but do I wish to have it that way ALL the time? No. I tend to have more fun, and be a bit more enthusiastic about life when I'm around someone temporary. It begins to become a bit disconcerting when you go places, and never have anyone to go with because they always have an excuse not to meet up.


    I would only here point out that by the very nature of your original question you're NOT ok/secure with your situation, or you'd not be discussing it both publicly and in depth.

    I totally get the frustration of trying to meet quality people. But you have to consider 1. who are you willing to meet and 2. for what purpose. You've not really explained those. You mentioned racial points several times and adding those issues to the mix can double your frustration.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:32 PM GMT
    BuiltBrian saidThanks guys for all the uplifting replies! It really helps.

    I have tried meetup.com but everything there seemed to be stuff I wasn't interested in. Bird Watching? Thats the 40s and 50s crowd LOL. Poker, walkathons, just stuff I wouldn't have any interest in.

    And just walking around and living life has not proven to help meet anyone. I think alot of it has to do with America, if not the places I've lived. Is there anyone from San Fran or L.A. or NYC who can say how easy or hard it is to meet random guys in places?

    Again, it all comes down to who approaches who. I get tired of always having to be the one to make the first move in every encounter. Yet most times people do absolutely nothing to make it easier or to even give off a vibe that they'd like to be spoken to.

    I do believe there's some guys who are attracted to me, but all they do is stare. It's like, grow some balls and say something to me!


    I live in San Francisco, and I met a guy yesterday at Peets Coffee. He was looking at me, I looked at him, I wanted him to approach me. Well, he didnt, so after a couple of seconds, I got up and approached him.

    If you want something to happen, take charge. If you dont really care, dont approach them, but dont be upset if you dont like the outcome.
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    Mar 29, 2011 8:33 PM GMT
    wesbell saidthings change, these are gay guys so if they have a boyfriend on saturday they probobly won't by the next friday so try again if your interested. !


    I don't think I can agree with that.

    I had met a guy in a club back in October. From that time all the way until about 3 weeks ago we met about twice. Every single weekend he had an excuse not to hangout. Every weekend.

    So he finally tells me after I began calling him out on it, that he's talking to someone but not sure if they were compatible. I waited around for another month, but he still kept making excuses not to see me.

    So eventually I just ended up tossing his number and forgetting about him. I was not going to allow myself to be put on hold like that.