Gay in the Military, Turn Off?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 2:47 AM GMT
    Hello all, this is my first post! I have been on this site for a few weeks, but have been out to my family for the last 4 years. I've always known I was gay, and although it's been a struggle, I am pretty comfortable with who I am as an individual while protecting my sexuality. Prior to enlisting in the Military, it never seemed to be an issue of dating, being attracted too, and attracting other guys. I've been in for about 2 years now, and my dating life has been completely non existent. I have put myself out there, but no bite.

    What it comes down to is this- do you believe that a guy can be 100% secure in his sexuality while still having a desire to keep his sexuality a secret from people other than his family/close friends. Would you be bothered if you were dating a guy and he wanted to keep his professional life completely separate from his personal life? I am trying to figure out why guys are so hesitant when it comes to dating Military personel. icon_smile.gif

    Cheers!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    in an ideal world, you can keep your personal and professional life separate, but we live in times where homosexuality is one of the largest topics right now. that alone makes those two worlds collide. i think i couldn't date a guy who wanted to keep his sexuality a secret (Even if he was out) because i am sick and tired of having to censor myself, filter myself or act differently to appease current situations i'm put in. if i had to go to his work, i don't want to be regarded as a "friend" y'know?

    it should just be as real and equal as a straight couple in that regard
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Mar 30, 2011 4:09 AM GMT
    No - being gay and in the military isn't a turn off, at least not for me. I think people, especially those in the military, can disassociate their personal lives from their professional lives. Just because you don't bring up the fact you are gay to people you serve with doesn't mean you are insecure. If I was in the military today, I'd probably have people accusing me of being like a Vulcan off of Star Trek because I would rigidly disassociate my personal life from my professional life - some would say so much for "unit cohesion," but what do people honestly expect out of DADT?
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Mar 30, 2011 4:14 AM GMT
    Military guys are a major, major turn-on for me. Everybody's situation is different, I don't tell my coworkers about my sexuality, so it's cool with me, if there are certain situations you want to keep your personal and professional lives seperate.

  • Mar 30, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    I dated a guy who was in the army. Probably the best relationship I've ever had. We were able to spend time with eachothers families on vacation and such and he was still able to do his thing with work. The reason for us breaking apart from one another was for personal reasons with ourselves other than our sexuality. To answer your question no it's not a turn off. You just have to be able to be mature about the situation and understand if you're going to sit there and fall in love with someone you may have to sacrafice a little here and there to make it work.
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    Mar 30, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    i dated a guy in the Canadian Military. He wasn't out, b/c as he put it, he only wanted to worry about the guns in front of him, not the ones behind him too. id do it again. Military men are hot, haha, and have plenty of great qualities for a partner.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Mar 30, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    aTrueItalian67 said You just have to be able to be mature about the situation and understand if you're going to sit there and fall in love with someone you may have to sacrafice a little here and there to make it work.


    ^^^This is important. You have to find a guy who has the maturity to deal with realities that come with dating someone in the military. Hopefully, you can find someone with that state of mind and the willingness to stick with you for better or worse.
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    Mar 30, 2011 4:22 AM GMT
    aTrueItalian67 saidI dated a guy who was in the army. Probably the best relationship I've ever had. We were able to spend time with eachothers families on vacation and such and he was still able to do his thing with work. The reason for us breaking apart from one another was for personal reasons with ourselves other than our sexuality. To answer your question no it's not a turn off. You just have to be able to be mature about the situation and understand if you're going to sit there and fall in love with someone you may have to sacrafice a little here and there to make it work.



    I totally agree regarding your last sentence- relationships involve sacrifice sometimes, and the guy that I pursue a relationship with would know and understand the expectations regarding the separation of my personal/professional life. In my own humble opinion, I think that being out in the military is a lot different than being out if I was living somewhere stationary and working a 9-5 job. The Military embodies so many different types of people, and you are dealing with a variety of morals, values, belief systems etc. As much as a reality as it is for society that homosexuals DO EXIST (OMG!) the reality is as equal, if not greater, that there is still a large portion of society that doesn't embrace or expect the homosexual lifestyle. I guess it boils down to picking and choosing your battles....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 4:27 AM GMT
    no way - for me personally it wouldnt be a problem at all

    but then again some ppl have the commitment levels of a fish

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • 2PecanDeBeurr...

    Posts: 302

    Mar 30, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    armorjock11
    first enjoy yourself. go to places off the installation.
    Various restaurants, clubs, whatever your interest, do a reconnaissance.
    you will be noticed whether you become a regular or learning the local area.
    eat on the installation at the clubs(enlisted/officer).
    my experience in Germany was that i liked clubbing(dancing), went to various areas local and out of my area. Visited one hugh warehouse every Friday in Mannheim.
    I did not look for attention , it came to me because i was having fun and one thing led to another. I broadened my scope by venturing to Amsterdam, Venice, Denmark, Spain, Paris and Portugal. I got a guidebook with locations from local gay bookstore and i was off on the adventures.I served 15 years(7 in europe).
    i am retired air force living in las vegas, that's another talk show
    j.c.
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    Mar 30, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    butterpecan2 saidarmorjock11
    first enjoy yourself. go to places off the installation.
    Various restaurants, clubs, whatever your interest, do a reconnaissance.
    you will be noticed whether you become a regular or learning the local area.
    eat on the installation at the clubs(enlisted/officer).
    my experience in Germany was that i liked clubbing(dancing), went to various areas local and out of my area. Visited one hugh warehouse every Friday in Mannheim.
    I did not look for attention , it came to me because i was having fun and one thing led to another. I broadened my scope by venturing to Amsterdam, Venice, Denmark, Spain, Paris and Portugal. I got a guidebook with locations from local gay bookstore and i was off on the adventures.I served 15 years(7 in europe).
    i am retired air force living in las vegas, that's another talk show
    j.c.


    I have a pretty active social life- I don't drink or go to clubs/bars however, so it makes meeting guys quite the adventure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    are u looking for people specifically on here or in ur area, or ur open to everything and anything? If u want to find more guys from here, then expand ur profile, add more pics, verify urself, add interests and the kind of guys ur looking to meet, so the people who stumble on ur profile (there are plenty on here from ur area) can get to know u and maybe youll pique their interest. As for getting out there, being in the military can be demanding on ur time. Not sure if ur living on base or have a place of ur own in the city. if the latter then u likely have a bit more time to urself where u can go out and explore the city. since u dont drink, maybe u can meet guys with similar intersts at the gym, the mall, the beach, join a club if u have hobbies or like cars or sumthing like that. maybe there is a local gay sports team u cud join?
  • MercuryMax

    Posts: 713

    Mar 30, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    while i was in the military, i could never land a solid relationship. but at the same time here i am 2 years after getting out, i'm still single. icon_redface.gif

    I dont know how people get in relationships....there's some kind of special code or something i don't know about. Or maybe the guys i chase consider themselves unobtainable, i dunno. life sucks. Just do what you want.
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    Mar 30, 2011 5:08 AM GMT
    armorjock11 saidHello all, this is my first post! I have been on this site for a few weeks, but have been out to my family for the last 4 years. I've always known I was gay, and although it's been a struggle, I am pretty comfortable with who I am as an individual while protecting my sexuality. Prior to enlisting in the Military, it never seemed to be an issue of dating, being attracted too, and attracting other guys. I've been in for about 2 years now, and my dating life has been completely non existent. I have put myself out there, but no bite.

    What it comes down to is this- do you believe that a guy can be 100% secure in his sexuality while still having a desire to keep his sexuality a secret from people other than his family/close friends. Would you be bothered if you were dating a guy and he wanted to keep his professional life completely separate from his personal life? I am trying to figure out why guys are so hesitant when it comes to dating Military personel. icon_smile.gif

    Cheers!


    Man I was in for 4 years and my dating life didn't exist either. It wasn't that guys don't want to date someone in the military its all us. When we spend so much time trying to keep our sex life separate from our Job that our sex life starts to come second to everything else. I noticed the same thing you did and my last year I put myself out there more. I may have not dated but I still made tons of friends, most of which were also gay and in the military. It'll happen, you just can't sit and wait for it to happen you have to go do something about it...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    I never did understand why being gay or bi in the military is such an issue. You're serving your respective countries with honor.

    Its not like you're going to 'going down' in the trenches in a middle of a battleicon_eek.gificon_confused.gif


    I'm comfortable with my bisexuality and I've begun to tell my trusted friends, and they are cool with it. Family is a different issue and so I made a choice not reveal it to them. Way too complicated atm....

    Don't worry mate, eventually you'll find someone just for you. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 6:50 AM GMT
    In a civilized country, this wouldn't be an issue. In countries like England, Canada, Israel, Germany, Sweden, Spain, Belgium, etc etc, you can be gay and open and serve in the military. The US has been so 'dumbed down' by republicans using sexuality as a wedge issue that it has a chilling effect on the progress of the country and obviously, your ability to find a mate. People need to wake up and realize how they vote DOES directly impact the quality of their lives. The republicans will always try to divide the country on social issues. They will use the repeal of DADT in the 2012 electioin and will fight to restore it and keep DOMA on the books as law. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone to date and more, however, I fear that it will be a long and frustrating journey so long as the republicans wield any political power. Best, spidey
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 30, 2011 7:19 AM GMT
    I think military guys are totally hot and I completely understand wanting to keep your private life separate from your professional life.

    Unfortunately, as some have mentioned, our US society is still getting use to gays in the military. It's reasonable to not want to be judged and treated differently simply because you're gay.

    However, as those who are closest to you know you're gay, one would be surprised as to how many other people know, but just don't say anything. They already know and they're comfortable enough with it to be comfortable with you.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Mar 30, 2011 8:22 AM GMT
    I don't think it's a military thing. Go to any gay torrent site and you'll see "Military" as one of the top searched for tags. It's highly fetishized and given the chance gays throw themselves at military/ex-mil guys.

    The main concern is 'dating difficulty'. In most work environments, especially for young people, separating your personal and professional lives is nearly impossible. It's not easier with a stationary, 9-5... it's MUCH harder. People have pictures of their spouse and kids on their desk. You meet them at work functions, single coworkers talk about who they're dating or their ex's. It's just as hard not to reveal who you're with in those situations. Constantly separating yourself from those conversations is awkward and is perceived as anti-social. And you have to constantly watch which pronouns you use. (And people pick up the ambiguous use of "they" and always saying "my friend".)

    I don't make large attempts at hiding who I am at work, but I also haven't explicitly revealed my sexuality. I'm not dating anyone right now, but if I was, hiding them from my professional life would be a strained effort that they'd certainly feel. The coming out process is a difficult process for most and it can take a long time. Many are still in that process. Dating someone who keep them a secret at work can feel like they're going into someone else's closet.
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    Mar 30, 2011 10:23 AM GMT
    armorjock11 saidWould you be bothered if you were dating a guy and he wanted to keep his professional life completely separate from his personal life?


    To answer your question directly...yes, I would be bothered.

    The first two dates would be naturally discreet - essentially, as if we were two buddies chilling...
    The third date is where I would expect some type of intimacy... and when I am in the movies with my date or having a coffee with him and I lean over to kiss him and gently bite his lip I expect him to be comfortable with that.

    I want someone who is comfortable to kiss in public, hold hands in public, in other words, someone who is OUT.
  • 4travel

    Posts: 77

    Mar 30, 2011 10:51 AM GMT
    Well, hopefully soon enough you will see more role models in your military that will be out and comfortable with themselves. I was lucky to have that about 10 years ago in our military and that role model is now my best friend and a high ranking and successful officer.
    Although I never officially came out, I just decided to stop hiding, stop lying and people eventually figured it out It felt so much nicer not making up stories for where I was etc. At that point it became a lot easier to have a relationship and the ones I had were that much better.
    Knowing how much I had to lie or deceive while I was deep in the closet, I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a military guy that was deep in the closet as I know he would never be himself

    In fact here is an old article of my best friend and role model http://gorgeousboys.com/canada-quietly-marks-anniversary-for-gays-in-military-while-u-s-debate-rages/

  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Mar 30, 2011 12:00 PM GMT
    As you're out to your family it wouldn't be much of an issue for me.

    I've dated guys who are out but when it comes to family they either lie or completely ignore that fact we're dating.
    Family is important, and I know that not everyone is a lucky as I am but I refuse to be hidden and disregarded by a boyfriend when we have family around, doing that is a much bigger issue to me.
  • Avron88

    Posts: 136

    Mar 30, 2011 12:20 PM GMT
    I don't think being in the military is a turn off at all.

    If you really care about someone- you can make it work. I'd be totally committed to working around the person's schedule, and completely understand that that persons job is on the line, so I'd be supportive in his decision to stay in the closet.

    Plus being in the military gives you great qualities for being a relationship.
  • 2PecanDeBeurr...

    Posts: 302

    Mar 30, 2011 12:53 PM GMT
    Armorjock11,
    I drink tonic water and lime. non acoholic here.
    you can network at museum, galleries, use your social activities to express who your are to others in conversing verbal/nonverbal. Body language speaks volumes.
    I prefer discretion yet intrigue is the goal.
    As others have posted, you can have memories of your adventures to share with the one who finds you.
    j.c.
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    Mar 30, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    armorjock11 said I have put myself out there, but no bite.

    What it comes down to is this- do you believe that a guy can be 100% secure in his sexuality while still having a desire to keep his sexuality a secret from people other than his family/close friends. Would you be bothered if you were dating a guy and he wanted to keep his professional life completely separate from his personal life? icon_smile.gif

    Cheers!


    No, I would not date someone who chose to live a double life. I've suffered far too long doing it myself and will not do it again for anyone. That said I do not go about my daily activities announcing to everyone I meet what my sexual inclinations are. I do however do not hide it.

    I will hold my guy's hand in public. I will put my arms around him in public. I will kiss him in public. I will show affection for him in whatever way I feel is appropriate for the time and place. If I had to stifle my affection, I would be out of the relationship in a flash.

    It is only by being visible that we (homosexuals) will be accepted (or I'll take tolerated) because it is easy for others to demonize us when they don't know us.

    If you aren't a part of the solution you are part of the problem. So while I have no problem with military men, I have a problem with the military's homophobia. So until things change for our gay service men an women, in principle, I could not date them.
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    Mar 30, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    _Mohammed_ said
    armorjock11 saidWould you be bothered if you were dating a guy and he wanted to keep his professional life completely separate from his personal life?


    To answer your question directly...yes, I would be bothered.

    The first two dates would be naturally discreet - essentially, as if we were two buddies chilling...
    The third date is where I would expect some type of intimacy... and when I am in the movies with my date or having a coffee with him and I lean over to kiss him and gently bite his lip I expect him to be comfortable with that.

    I want someone who is comfortable to kiss in public, hold hands in public, in other words, someone who is OUT.



    Intimacy, in my opinion, should happen behind closed doors. I am not one to be comfortable with PDA, not because of the fact I'm gay, I'm just not a touchy-feely kind of guy. If a couple is comfortable holding hands in a movie theater, or "leaning over to kiss [their partner] and gently bite his lip", that's great for them. I don't believe being OUT is defined by PDA... There are a lot of couples whom lack PDA, but that shouldn't be the stamp of approval on their relationship. I've had great relationships with guys where we displayed no PDA, and we were just as happy as we'd probably be if we were all over each other in the middle of the park.