Im in Love with my Straight Best Friend

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    Mar 30, 2011 9:59 AM GMT
    i have been in love with my best friend for 2 years now. we both knew each other from our community dance academy. we both were in the same dance crew and performed together many times. Hes a B-Boy and Im a hip hop dancer. He is totally straight and has had many depression due to rejection by the girl he loves and i have always been there for him. I moved to Australia, it was difficult for both of us. but he would always call me, and chat with me every night. im the closest friend he ever had and im the only one he opens up for everything.


    ive been taking care of him all this while. hes fragile, and cant do stuff on his own. hes very emotional, hes been depressed about a girl for a year and ive always listened to his problems even though thousand miles away.


    i would come back and see him every 6 months and we would have the time of our lives. hes very sweet, caring and loving. he cuddles with me, he lets me lean on him, hug him and kiss him (on the cheek). I even made him kiss me on the cheek a lot of times. We would have sleepovers and laugh all night, talk, and I would usually tickle him and hug him to sleep.


    i love him so much and i would do anything for him. but hes straight and im bi. he knows im bi but i dont think he knows i love him this way. i mean we exchange i love yous all the time, but he always look up to me as a big brother.
    recently, he started dating this other girl. and ive been so very depressed. ive been drinking non-stop and crying, but at the same time i tell him im happy for him and im being supportive all the time.
    the awkward thing is, the girl is actually a good friend of mine as well, and i talk to her about how im in love with him.



    is it possible for him to love me in a way that i do? do you think there are signs that he might love me? he treats me nothing like his other friends, and he would always tell me im his number one.


    but now that he has a girlfriend, i can guess that will change soon enough.
    but i really love him
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    Mar 30, 2011 11:15 AM GMT
    Couple of things...

    MY GOD...no wonder you're depressed and drinking! You love him like he's your husband....but then you have to watch him go off and direct his affections toward this woman!?! I would be sick with hurt and loneliness. And this is natural...we are hard wired to feel this way. You're going to have to do something, and there are only two things you can do.

    First... is it possible that both of you could ever become an exclusive couple? Are you SURE he's straight? ( If I had a dollar for every gay guy who said he was straight...I'd be a gazillionaire!) But then again, he might just be a needy and dependent person. You need to have some long and honest conversations with him...not about all his feelings...but about YOURS. Start by telling him how you feel about him and how much you love and enjoy everything you all do with each other. But you've also got to tell him that because you've developed such feelings...you have have incredible hurt and loneliness when he's with a woman. Tell him your biggest wish is that he would stop dating women entirely ...so the two of you can become exclusive "friends" where nobody ever comes between you two.

    Second...if that's not possible, the first thing you need to do is stop cuddling with him, hugging him to sleep and listening to all his woman problems. You need to stop enabling him. You need to take care of yourself and build some distance. His affections are causing you to fall in romantic love with him....but if it isn't reciprocal...you get hurt. You can remain best friends, but it needs to be a give and take equal friendship. If he goes off to pursue women...you need to do the same thing to pursue men, or women if you're bi. You deserve somebody who can give you the one thing you need most...LOYALTY.

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    Mar 30, 2011 2:01 PM GMT
    I've known a handful of kind gay guys who develop the kind of relationships you're describing, and who even go from one intimate gay-straight relationship to another. One guy I know in his 60s has been doing this his whole life. Each of these guys seems a bit ruined by it. Like someone who uses too much drugs or alcohol, they don't seem to be able to stop and it stunts their emotional development. They spend their lives longing for love and chasing shadows. I do not know why this happens, but you'd be better off putting a stop to it NOW.

    If the negative stereo type of the "fag hag" is a woman who lacks the self confidence to attract a suitable mate (and thus seeks unsuitable men with whom to form bonds), then you are a "hetero hag."

    Look, my closest friends, the ones I confide in and love the most, are straight guys. But I would never use them as surrogate boyfriends.

    Good luck.
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    Mar 30, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    Thank you so much.

    Im really trying to cope with this situation.

    It doesnt help when Im overseas, and all my good friends are away. I mean I have friends here, but I dont really open up to them, Ive always been clinging to friends I have back home. So its pretty hard handling these emotions while Im alone here. Ive been in my room for days and I dont even feel like going to classes or anything.
    icon_sad.gif

    Ive been missing for days now, as in, I deactivated my facebook account, and I dont reply to any of his texts or any of my friends texts. I guess I need to get away. It actually hurts really bad when I see his facebook wall posts with his girlfriend. Id always question myself why cant it be me the sweet things you say to. And I dont really bother talking to him about this, I did for a while, hes really happy with her and all. Im being supportive, but Id get so jealous.

    I wanna know whats going on with his life, but at the same time I dont wanna know, cuz its hurting me.

    So i decided to disappear for a while.


    Im pretty sure hes straight, but i think, he lacks love from his family, have had a not-so-good childhood, which makes him long for affection, all the cuddling and intimacy. he would always say he loves me as a bro and would never leave me.


    honestly though, ive had a lot of straight good friends, and when they get into relationships, they often ditch me, so much for bros before hoes.


    but i feel differently for him. he gives me a lot of attention and promises, which makes me hopeful. which makes me question, is it possible for straight guys to fall in love with another guy?


    could it ever be me?


    But yes, this is really bad. Im already hurt as it is. ive done practically everythign possible to cheer myself up, but failing. i guess only time heals. but the pain is so unbearable, i dont think i can ever fully recover from this.


    i really really really like him.


    maybe i should just disappear forever, i mean, i moved overseas, theres no way i could ever see him again if i dont want to


    but the thought of it is so, devastating icon_sad.gif
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    Mar 30, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    White4DarkerFL saidCouple of things...

    MY GOD...no wonder you're depressed and drinking! You love him like he's your husband....but then you have to watch him go off and direct his affections toward this woman!?! I would be sick with hurt and loneliness. And this is natural...we are hard wired to feel this way. You're going to have to do something, and there are only two things you can do.

    First... is it possible that both of you could ever become an exclusive couple? Are you SURE he's straight? ( If I had a dollar for every gay guy who said he was straight...I'd be a gazillionaire!) But then again, he might just be a needy and dependent person. You need to have some long and honest conversations with him...not about all his feelings...but about YOURS. Start by telling him how you feel about him and how much you love and enjoy everything you all do with each other. But you've also got to tell him that because you've developed such feelings...you have have incredible hurt and loneliness when he's with a woman. Tell him your biggest wish is that he would stop dating women entirely ...so the two of you can become exclusive "friends" where nobody ever comes between you two.

    Second...if that's not possible, the first thing you need to do is stop cuddling with him, hugging him to sleep and listening to all his woman problems. You need to stop enabling him. You need to take care of yourself and build some distance. His affections are causing you to fall in romantic love with him....but if it isn't reciprocal...you get hurt. You can remain best friends, but it needs to be a give and take equal friendship. If he goes off to pursue women...you need to do the same thing to pursue men, or women if you're bi. You deserve somebody who can give you the one thing you need most...LOYALTY.



    Good advice. What you have is not healthy for either of you. You deserve better.
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    Mar 30, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    [/quote] ive been so very depressed. ive been drinking non-stop and crying, but at the same time i tell him im happy for him and im being supportive all the time.
    the awkward thing is, the girl is actually a good friend of mine as well, and i talk to her about how im in love with him.



    is it possible for him to love me in a way that i do? do you think there are signs that he might love me? he treats me nothing like his other friends, and he would always tell me im his number one.


    but now that he has a girlfriend, i can guess that will change soon enough.
    but i really love him [/quote]

    Boy, you got it bad and you need some real help. And if you think she hasn't mentioned your feelings to HER boyfriend, your best straight friend, then you need a wake up call, too. This is an emotional dead-end, dude and going nowhere. Ugh. Read what you wrote here and then ask yourself, "what can I do to get out of this and make changes in my life that make me happy?" Time to get super tough with yourself, be a grown up man about this and move on. I hope you can find the internal answers and the external help you need. This was a good place to reach out and start. Keep going and stay the course of change. Good luck.
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    Mar 31, 2011 2:33 AM GMT
    I'm in a similar situation right now, and I've gotta say that personally I find detaching works best. Maybe not detaching entirely, because I mean it sounds like you guys are still really great friends, but detaching in some forms, even tiny at first, help a lot.

    Good luck, you've got a lot of support here. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 31, 2011 8:09 AM GMT


    detaching?

    icon_sad.gif

    i dont think i should still be close with him. i can imagine how it would hurt me every time he talks about his gf, every little things he does to her, every brotherly advices he would ask me about his gf, i can imagine myself slowly dying from within while trying to pretend im being supportive and all.


    i really wanna run away for real, it wouldnt be that hard, im overseas, so i can just start new.


    but but, we have been through a lot. a lot of nights we cried together, a lot of time we held each others hand and stood together whenever we fall

    so many memories, such a strong bond


    i dont know if i could even survive detaching him


    but ill surely wont be able to survive being close with him, still.


    sigh icon_sad.gif
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    Sep 28, 2011 10:27 AM GMT
    im in the same situation right now....im in love with my straight friend. im lonely right now because he's got a new girlfriend and he doenst really have time for me anymore....we used to hang-out and laugh all night and sometimes hell let me blow him while he's watching straight pron on t.v. ..i miss those times....and no im not attracted to gay people...i tried going to gay bars and no it's not really my type...gays does not really do it for me....its like having another woman...im here missing him and i hope i'll find another straigh tguy like him.
  • charlieviiper...

    Posts: 328

    Sep 28, 2011 5:49 PM GMT
    bluemoon702 saidim in the same situation right now....im in love with my straight friend. im lonely right now because he's got a new girlfriend and he doenst really have time for me anymore....we used to hang-out and laugh all night and sometimes hell let me blow him while he's watching straight pron on t.v. ..i miss those times....and no im not attracted to gay people...i tried going to gay bars and no it's not really my type...gays does not really do it for me....its like having another woman...im here missing him and i hope i'll find another straigh tguy like him.


    genius
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    Sep 28, 2011 6:06 PM GMT
    Could you dig the girl? 3 way might be hot.
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    Sep 28, 2011 6:16 PM GMT
    I am older but I have a straight friend that I've been close to for years. We say "I love you" to each other on the phone. Hug each other for longer than usual. He doesn't give a "s". He has girlfriends, told me he was attracted to me a few times but I told him I wanted to be more like brothers since I'm not attracted to him. He even sets me up with females but none have worked out. So you can love a person or other and visa versa. When I was in college I had a few straight romances with roommates but they got uncomfortable with that. One of them even tried to wrestle with me to get sex. His parents saw what was going on emotionally and they had him move to the dorms. Mother's instinct. He must have had a previous buddy thing.
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    Sep 28, 2011 6:22 PM GMT
    bluemoon702 saidim here missing him and i hope i'll find another straigh tguy like him.



    stopselfdestructive-184x184.jpg
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    Sep 28, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    You have either two choices.

    1. Try to let him go. You have to realize that if he is straight it just won't work. I know depression can be tough, trust me, but you have to get out and stay social. When you're emotionally down you don't think clearly. Try to get out, meet new people, and get your confidence back up and see what happens.

    2 Let him know how you feel, but you'd be risking losing him as a friend. The good thing would be that you can finally get it off your chest and know for sure if he loves you back or not. I wouldn't recommend this.
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    Sep 29, 2011 8:30 AM GMT
    I'm sorry man, this situation happened to me, only I didn't live 1000 miles away. If no one knows about your feelings for him then you should be ok with keeping it to yourself, if not then you might want to tell him how you feel. I never told my best friend how I felt about him. We had a similar situation he was straight and I was there for him when he had girl problems or any problem. We saw each other everyday we even slept together did everything together(besides sex) and he was the most important thing in my life. He knew I was "bi" though.(I am actually gay but I said I was bi to lessen the blow) Eventually people don't keep secrets and he found out from someone else about my feelings for him (in detail :/) and was devastated, so much I don't see him anymore or even know how he's doing because he blocked me out of his life. Everyday I miss him and I will always miss him. The point is he found out the worse way. If I was you then I wouldn't say anything to him about it, especially with you living 1000 miles away. Try to meet gay men in your area and enjoy life. Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to sacrifice your own happiness for the better of a relationship. It sucks but it sometimes has to happen. This situation made me realize exactly what I want in a relationship and who I am.
    Again I'm sorry about your situation I hope the absolute best for you.
  • captproton

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    Sep 29, 2011 8:54 AM GMT
    I had a mad crush on my workout partner. He is much younger but amazingly good-looking and there was a reason I worked out with him. He was amazingly built, too. But he's straight and eventually got married. I moved away and that was probably best because being a good friend was just never enough for me.

    Dude, I think the earlier posters gave you some great advice. Learn to let go, in your own way and time. And then find someone who can give you something in return for all your affection.
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    Oct 03, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    what a weak man you are, you and your little friend. you make me sick to my stomach. learn to be strong and independent, stop bieng a fool cause what you are doing is going to destroy you. you are a complete person who does not need anybody. stop making yourself miserable its not worth it. the world is full of so many wounderful things let go of him and enjoy bieng alive and everything around you. you friend is pathetic and weak and wont survive very long if he is the way you describe him, and nether will you. now get off your bed go to school and be a man and stop crying. remember the only person standing in the way of your happiness is youicon_neutral.gif
  • sonnet129

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    Oct 03, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    archon saidwhat a weak man you are, you and your little friend. you make me sick to my stomach. learn to be strong and independent, stop bieng a fool cause what you are doing is going to destroy you. you are a complete person who does not need anybody. stop making yourself miserable its not worth it. the world is full of so many wounderful things let go of him and enjoy bieng alive and everything around you. you friend is pathetic and weak and wont survive very long if he is the way you describe him, and nether will you. now get off your bed go to school and be a man and stop crying. remember the only person standing in the way of your happiness is youicon_neutral.gif


    icon_smile.gif
    This is the best advice so far! The previous Oprah sentiments were just lame.
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    Oct 03, 2011 12:09 PM GMT
    find me another straight guy then ill be happy...i know that relationship is not gonna last long and it will be one sided love but at least i will be happy again.
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    Oct 03, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    Would you ever tell him how you felt about the whole situation? Not sure how that would turn out, but if you two are as close as you say you are then I can't see anything bad happening.
    Keep in mind, you wouldn't be confessing your love to him in the hopes that he'd do the same and you'd live happily together for the rest of your days.
    You'd be doing it for yourself. Talking always helps, even if it's not something you want to do.

    Better than drinking anyways =/
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    Oct 03, 2011 6:27 PM GMT
    Tell him
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    Oct 03, 2011 6:36 PM GMT
    Been there, done that. Ad nauseam. I can promise you it will only end in heartbreak and unfulfillment. Even if you had sex with him, if he's not comfortable in his bisexuality, he would probably freak out and end the friendship. Or he wouldn't be able to give you what you need. The only way you'd get what you need/deserve is for your love interest to be bi or, preferably, gay and comfortable in those shoes.
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    Oct 03, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    miamimasseur saidBeen there, done that. Ad nauseam. I can't promise you it will only end in heartbreak and unfulfillment. Even if you had sex with him, if he's not comfortable in his bisexuality, he would probably freak out and end the friendship. Or he wouldn't be able to give you what you need. The only way you'd get what you need/deserve is for your love interest to be bi or, preferably, gay and comfortable in those shoes.


    What he said above. You are wasting a lot of time, energy, and needless emotion with something that can never be. I've been through it a few times then realized the hopelessness of it all. Move on. Do your best to be the good friend you are to him but find someone that will give back what you want and need.
    Best of luck!
  • LJay

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    Oct 03, 2011 6:58 PM GMT
    There is some good advice here but eh main thing you d=need to do is work this out with him. Dthere is a very good chance taht you will end up being very close with a better understanding of each other. No sense sacrificing a close friendship if you do not have to. If he does not understand you are gay he's a little thick, but give him a chance. A lot of straight guys can deal with this better these days.

    I had a close friend on somewhat the same terms. One day I went to visit and he gave me a really big hug. I said, "Sometimes I wish you were gay." His reply was, "Sometimes I wish I was too." We kind of laughed an hugged a little harder. Three days later, I got a call from a friend. He said my buddy had just died from a freak infection. I'll never regret that hug. Never.
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    Oct 03, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    I was in your shoes for about five years from my junior year in high school on. In love with a straight friend.

    The thing that seems astounding to hear is that if you work at letting go, it will eventually not hurt. It might take five years or longer, but it will stop hurting. It does you no good to hold onto something that will never be.

    I remember all of the mental and emotional gymnastics I put myself through trying to convince myself that my straight friend would turn into my LTR partner. I had convinced myself that every little thing pointed to the fact that he was actually bi and in love with me. So far from the truth.

    What worked for me is as hard as it was: reallocating him in my life as an acquaintance rather than a friend. Seeing him very, very limited and not allowing myself to invest myself in his life any longer. Withdrawing in that way allowed me to get over him and eventually find an even more apt match with a guy equally masculine and equally attractive who was also gay.