Inquiring someone about their role preference

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    Mar 31, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    Not sure if this has been covered before or not, but I was talking to someone at the LGBT center (who is here seeking asylum from Africa) about dating. He was mentioning to me that, where he is from, people date for around 8 months before doing anything sexual, and he was having a hard time dating because of that. I asked him if he at least asks if they are a top or bottom, to which he replied "of course not, that turns the whole thing into a cheap, sexual experience."

    Now, Im not the most prudish of individuals and wouldnt have anal sex with someone unless I was in a relationship with them, but I gotta say I would at least ask, especially if I wanted to date for 8 months before going that route.

    Can you imagine getting to know someone for 8 months then be all like "oh shit, your a top too?"

    What are your thoughts on asking about their sexual preference?
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    Mar 31, 2011 8:37 PM GMT
    It is crucial to ask that question because it is a gay relationship... unlike a heterosexual relationship where you obviously know what will go on during sex.

    He might not want to ask that because he does not want to make the other person feel he is in it just for sex... I have been on dates before and during our dating period, when I ask that question they get side-tracked into thinking "hmm, maybe this guy wants only sex" to which I tell them "No, I want a relationship where sex has the possibility of being fulfilled"...

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    Mar 31, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    Chainers saidCan you imagine getting to know someone for 8 months then be all like "oh shit, your a top too?"
    Sounds normal to me.






    Oh wait...nevermind...I thought you said 8 minutes. icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 31, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    I think it's important to know, but outright asking someone you just met if they're a top/bottom/vers gives off the feeling that you're only in it for the sex. I say wait a little bit, then casually bring up the conversation of sex and see if you can't get him to mention his preferred position. It works a lot better than shaking hands and saying, "Hi, I'm Jeff. Top or bottom?"
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    Mar 31, 2011 10:07 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Chainers saidCan you imagine getting to know someone for 8 months then be all like "oh shit, your a top too?"
    Sounds normal to me.






    Oh wait...nevermind...I thought you said 8 minutes. icon_razz.gif


    Wow Im at work and I almost laughed out loud with this one.
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    Mar 31, 2011 10:07 PM GMT
    wildtype87 saidI think it's important to know, but outright asking someone you just met if they're a top/bottom/vers gives off the feeling that you're only in it for the sex. I say wait a little bit, then casually bring up the conversation of sex and see if you can't get him to mention his preferred position. It works a lot better than shaking hands and saying, "Hi, I'm Jeff. Top or bottom?"


    Yea thats a tad bit too soon, its usually at the point when you start realizing it might go somewhere, lol.
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    Mar 31, 2011 10:52 PM GMT
    lol at least it's not like "oh shit you're a bottom too? Oh well we guess we're really fucked...wait, that's exactly the opposite of our problems." icon_twisted.gif
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    Mar 31, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    Bring back the hanky's. Problem solved
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    Mar 31, 2011 11:22 PM GMT
    I hate that question..
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    Mar 31, 2011 11:37 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidBring back the hanky's. Problem solved
    Do you prefer yellow, brown, or red hanky's...or all of the above? icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 31, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    This is gonna sound real stupid. What are the hankies, are they like a secret code?
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    Apr 01, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    Cityaznguy saidThis is gonna sound real stupid. What are the hankies, are they like a secret code?

    Feast your eyes on the mystery that is the hanky code....

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Handkerchief_code

    ...and this isn't made up....in the 80s you would actually go into some bars and one in five had some kinda hanky out the back pocket (you had to be really careful about going to the bar with a cold...wipe your nose, and you could be agreeing to being pissed on while getting fisted by a drag-queen). It was all very confusing, but that was the point...keep the breeders guessing what the hell we were up to. And it did work.

    Talk about "wearing your sexuality on your sleave"!!

    711px-Hankycode.jpg


    How elaborate and sexy at the same time. Thx man. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    It's best to know someone's sexual preferences before getting really emotionally involved with him. There's a way of raising the issue without being too obvious, blatant, or crude. Some sexual preferences are major deal breakers. For example, I strongly believe that 2 bots can't be in a sexually satisfying monogamous relationship. If you're exclusively a bottom you wouldn't want to find out that the guy you've been dating for the past several months is also exclusively a bottom. That would be heart breaking, particularly if you're already emotionally invested.
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    Apr 02, 2011 6:22 AM GMT
    I kinda hate the question. That comes from feeling that a sexual relationship with a partner really shouldn't be defined using those 2 extremes. My question would be "are you versatile"? Exclusive to one or the other screams "bore" to me.
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    Apr 02, 2011 6:28 AM GMT
    I'll answer it.
    But more than likely if it's within the first time of meeting them, it sends my psyche instantly to the opposite of liking them.

    I get it... If you're sexually interested. How about we, I don't know... decide if the feeling is mutual? I feel like we're too direct with the shit that shouldn't really matter at first.
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    Apr 02, 2011 7:25 AM GMT
    This topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).
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    Apr 02, 2011 10:07 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidThis topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).

    Let's be sexless relationship partners.
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    Apr 02, 2011 11:15 PM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante saidThis topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).

    Let's be sexless relationship partners.


    can we have cookies and cuddling =o?
  • Timbales

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    Apr 02, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    Guys who are exclusively one or the other are just missing out.
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante saidThis topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).

    Let's be sexless relationship partners.


    can we have cookies and cuddling =o?

    Of course! Just let's not get the crumbles IN the bed. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante said
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante saidThis topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).

    Let's be sexless relationship partners.


    can we have cookies and cuddling =o?

    Of course! Just let's not get the crumbles IN the bed. icon_biggrin.gif


    dude I'd be dustbustin' that shit
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:43 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante said
    TrevorMark said
    Ariodante saidThis topic depresses me. It brings back this recurring feeling I've been having that sex, dating and relationships are nothing more than objective job positions you have to interview for and for which you can be terminated at a moment's notice only to be replaced by someone the manager deems a better fit for the position (pun, I do suppose, intended).

    Let's be sexless relationship partners.


    can we have cookies and cuddling =o?

    Of course! Just let's not get the crumbles IN the bed. icon_biggrin.gif


    dude I'd be dustbustin' that shit

    Perfect.

    Best. Non-sex partners. Evar.
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    Apr 03, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    Chainers saidWhat are your thoughts on asking about their sexual preference?

    If this guy is seeking asylum from sexual persecution then his viewpoints were formed in an exceptionally repressive society. Therefore, I hope you weren't imagining that his opinion has any application to the United States. (Well, not yet, anyway) Interesting to learn about other cultures, but not necessarily role models for us here.

    I think sexual preference is a valid question to ask early. I also think it's valid to HAVE sex early after meeting, if things are going well. Or to even go home with bar finds, if you're comfortable with that.

    I never had shyness about simply asking a guy if he wanted to leave with me, and the preferences question wouldn't come up until after we were already in bed. Since I'm versatile about all kinds of vanilla sex (but nothing kinky) the issue wasn't all that important to me anyway, whatever he wanted us to do I could. And I never did have a guy ask for something nasty.

    And while that may sound slutty, one guy I took home the first time we met became my BF for 2 years from that moment. (We parted for complex reasons irrelevant here, but we remain friends and stay in contact) So in my view you don't have to be dating for a prescribed period of time before you have sex to make it "quality" and "genuine" as some guys insist.
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    Apr 05, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    There would be no issues if everyone is versatile. The world would be a much better place.