Not being able to have a boyfriend, and always being 2nd best......

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2011 7:46 AM GMT
    Ok, now before all you guys out there tell me I have all the time in the world to find a bf, I'd like to say I would really like at least a couple test runs so I can get better at being in a actual relationship. Let me tell you why i am writing this email. I haven't gone out on a date in 6 months and yesterday was my first one. He was a nice guy, great personality, a little much at times but thats what keeps it entertaining, and handsome. I was supposed to hang with him tonight and all he could tell me last night was how much he really liked me. Since I never hear that, I fell for it like the sap I was. I was supposed to hang tonight with him and he told me he would come by pick me up and we were gonna make some food tonight. It didn't happen, and thats has what brought this whole little "life chapter" to light about my life and the pillar that is "relationships".

    I am a 26 year old male who has been searching for a boyfriend for 8 years now. I've never really had a relationship, never been told I love you, never loved another guy, haven't ever really met another boys parents, can't get a 2nd date, and am always looked over for the guy with the bigger arms than me. Before I was told by people that I intimidate them, I do not think this is a valid answer. A friend of mine said flat out, "you have to get buff", and since Ive been over weight my whole life I decided to slimmed down from 245lbs to 140lbs at 6ft tall and built some muscle on. Ive always been the guy who goes to clubs and I get looks but no takers. I try to approach but always get passed up for like I said, the next guy with the 17 inch biceps. I've always had this thought in my head that I am not "able" to have a boyfriend. I have thought about this alot that maybe its not meant for me. Sure I want the desire to be able to like someone, show em what I know, take in what they know, hug, kiss, express love, learn, grow, aspire, achieve, support, cherish, treasure, admire, and just... love. That desire has never left me, but I can tell you this right now, it doesn't work for me. I meet someone and it feels like things change from the time I meet them to the time I leave. Sometimes I feel like a burden, other times I don't feel like the connection is there, or this situation just happened to me today, the guy I was talking to, decided to talk to the "other" guy I had been pursuing for 2 years and now they are dating. I can't compete with that, and now the ground work of what I laid down for those 2 years is gone, I have lost all attraction to the guy who I had been pursuing for 2 years.

    I dont' know what to do anymore. Meeting people is so hard, and I am an avid talker, I smile alot, I communicate, but ehh.. its just not enough. I don't know what I am doing wrong or if it can be fixed....... I mean seriously, there are only so many times you can be stood up at your front porch, or at a restaurant, at a bar, at a movie theatre, at a hockey game, at a park, at a coffee shop, and at a bike trail, before you give up and just move on, cuz ur always gonna be #2, and never #1.
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    I've been #2 before so I can sort of relate. Well there's not much to do. You're being yourself but it just so turned out that the guys you meet you either don't feel a connection for or that they don't want to be with you.

    Not sure about the quality of the guys at the clubbing scene since I don't go out to clubs (I'm an online kind of guy). But, just keep putting yourself out there. There will be times when you'll feel bitter and want to give up, but it's like training for a sport, or doing scientific research. If you just gave up, you're not going to get results now are you?
  • RD11

    Posts: 448

    Apr 01, 2011 1:33 PM GMT
    I really relate to your story. I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years, I've been dating and open myself to meeting guys. Most times I date really nice guys who i have no connection with, but when I do find someone that i would like to see again, I'm brushed off.

    It's been really frustrating at times, but you cant control these things and as long as I continue to remain the social butterfly that i am, i'm sure i will find the right guy.
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:36 PM GMT
    Maybe you need to change your criteria.

    A lot of guys lust after people who are not well suited to them and I've been heavily guilty of this myself.

    Be more open minded and stop expecting to find the man of your dreams, he's an asshole LOL
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    nooooo no nope.

    ok:

    1. having a relationship that goes wrong and getting stood up by a date is NOT the same. Just the fact that you've never been in a relationship doesn't equal you suck at them, because you actually sound like a loving caring person.

    2: The likeliness to get into a real committed relationship does not depend on your arm size.

    3: It also does not depend on other things that are superficial.

    4: The likeliness to get into a relationship does not increase if you keep trying.

    5: If you do get stood up on a date or a guy won't call you back he's just not that into you. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't mean you suck or that you're ugly or fat or your arms aren't muscled enough it just means he is not for you. And be happy he stoop you up because then obviously you are not for him either.

    Just be happy about who you are and love yourself the way you are. That way other people may actually get the chance to fall in love with you too. And that my friend is step one of getting into a relationship!
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 01, 2011 1:45 PM GMT
    OK, a couple of your profile pics have a grin that could be devilish, so I will consider the possibility that this could be an April Fool's prank.

    You have absolutely nothing to apologize for in the looks department.

    Sit down with your friend John and have a long talk. Maybe add a few beers so you can relax. Ask him how other people see you. look carefully at the situations you are using to meet people.

    Let us know the results.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    Oh my dear and, might I add, very cute man. What you could write a novella on, I could write a tome on. Each one of your points could be addressed specifically but I'll just generally say that you're definitely not alone. There are a lot of guys out there(both with big and small biceps) that can't seem to be blessed with a relationship. A psychotherapist might disagree, but I don't think there's any rhyme or reason behind it. There are single and partnered hot guys, there are single and partnered "less attractive" guys. There are single and partnered good guys, there are single and partnered douchebags. There are single and partnered stable guys, there are single and partnered hot messes. If you believe in a higher plan, there may be a reason you aren't partnered. Perhaps you need to learn some things about yourself? If you don't believe in a higher plan, it's just the luck of the draw. I don't really believe in the theory that it will come when you aren't looking for it. Jobs don't work that way. Or anything else for that matter. However, I do agree that you can't "make" it happen. So, if it's not happening, just go on with your life and focus on personal growth and give all of that pent-up love and affection you have to everybody that comes into your life. Sometimes I think it's a little wasteful to give all your love and affection to just one person. How many times have I needed a friend but my partnered friends were too busy focusing on their partner to reach out to me or even notice my need? Take the opportunity of being single to spread your love around. Romantic relationships are great but, let's face it, not many last a lifetime. Especially in the gay male world. So, use the time you're single to learn how to be comfortable alone so that you won't need to be in a relationship.


    We're at a disadvantage because a lot of gay guys are dicks. However, just because a guy turns you down because the other guy has bigger biceps, that does not mean that Mr. Big Biceps is going to have a relationship with that guy. At least not one that lasts more than one night. So, if your true goal is an LTR, you haven't lost anything by being rejected on something as superficial and fleeting as looks.

    Hang in there. It will probably happen. If it doesn't, get the most out of traveling solo.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    u know what will fix this.

    grow to love #2. hes awesome. uve jsut said why hes awesome. but u dont believe that. and if u dont believe that no one els will either.

    EVERYONE is number 2 to someone. and u know what, sometimes its better to date number 2.
    number 1 and number 2 are different. sometimes u like number 2 for his flaws. and honestly who wants to be with someone who is perfect? thats alot to live up to.

    stop trying to compeat with number 1. recognize ur differences, loves those differences, and then realize other people are going to love and recognize those differences too.
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:48 PM GMT
    and uhm.....

    you're not second best
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:51 PM GMT

    I wouldn't consider dating much less having a relationship with someone who'd judge me worthy or not of the endeavor by bicep size. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    PS I'm not understanding how you're a sap. People who stand up others on dates are flakes. There are enough of 'em out there to fill a few cereal bowls, lol!
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    Apr 01, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    Sounds like you are internalizing too much and not communicating enough. If you want guys you need to communicate that to themt. If you come off as a top you need to make the move and not wait for it to
    Happen.
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    Apr 01, 2011 2:07 PM GMT
    Jcaliguy saidOk, now before all you guys out there tell me I have all the time in the world to find a bf, I'd like to say I would really like at least a couple test runs so I can get better at being in a actual relationship. Let me tell you why i am writing this email. I haven't gone out on a date in 6 months and yesterday was my first one. He was a nice guy, great personality, a little much at times but thats what keeps it entertaining, and handsome. I was supposed to hang with him tonight and all he could tell me last night was how much he really liked me. Since I never hear that, I fell for it like the sap I was. I was supposed to hang tonight with him and he told me he would come by pick me up and we were gonna make some food tonight. It didn't happen, and thats has what brought this whole little "life chapter" to light about my life and the pillar that is "relationships".

    I am a 26 year old male who has been searching for a boyfriend for 8 years now. I've never really had a relationship, never been told I love you, never loved another guy, haven't ever really met another boys parents, can't get a 2nd date, and am always looked over for the guy with the bigger arms than me. Before I was told by people that I intimidate them, I do not think this is a valid answer. A friend of mine said flat out, "you have to get buff", and since Ive been over weight my whole life I decided to slimmed down from 245lbs to 140lbs at 6ft tall and built some muscle on. Ive always been the guy who goes to clubs and I get looks but no takers. I try to approach but always get passed up for like I said, the next guy with the 17 inch biceps. I've always had this thought in my head that I am not "able" to have a boyfriend. I have thought about this alot that maybe its not meant for me. Sure I want the desire to be able to like someone, show em what I know, take in what they know, hug, kiss, express love, learn, grow, aspire, achieve, support, cherish, treasure, admire, and just... love. That desire has never left me, but I can tell you this right now, it doesn't work for me. I meet someone and it feels like things change from the time I meet them to the time I leave. Sometimes I feel like a burden, other times I don't feel like the connection is there, or this situation just happened to me today, the guy I was talking to, decided to talk to the "other" guy I had been pursuing for 2 years and now they are dating. I can't compete with that, and now the ground work of what I laid down for those 2 years is gone, I have lost all attraction to the guy who I had been pursuing for 2 years.

    I dont' know what to do anymore. Meeting people is so hard, and I am an avid talker, I smile alot, I communicate, but ehh.. its just not enough. I don't know what I am doing wrong or if it can be fixed....... I mean seriously, there are only so many times you can be stood up at your front porch, or at a restaurant, at a bar, at a movie theatre, at a hockey game, at a park, at a coffee shop, and at a bike trail, before you give up and just move on, cuz ur always gonna be #2, and never #1.


    I sorta feel the same because even though I just began my exploration for a boyfriend, I've been turned down in favor of the "bigger muscles" it really makes you feel inferior and even less confident if the future. Don't fret though! I'm sure that someone will find you and when that happens, it'll be the greatest moment of your life! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 01, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    "I've been turned down in favor of the "bigger muscles" it really makes you feel inferior and even less confident if the future."

    ...I think it makes THEM look shallow, rather vaccuous and likely to drop you at the first sign of anything other than physical perfection. Hardly relationship material. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 01, 2011 2:22 PM GMT
    I don't understand not being able to have a boyfriend. Every guy has a chance to have a boyfriend. I guess it all depends on what you are looking for. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 01, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    I, too, can relate to where you're coming from. I was 31 when I met my partner. Look at my pic. I'm not prince charming. lol But, I found Mr. Right. To me, he was one heck of a handsome, good looking, and sexy man... black hair, black moustache... But, he wanted me when he could've had a heck of a lot better looking man next to him.

    I will tell you what people used to tell me. Stop trying to find a relationship. Just enjoy life and date. You may have to date a lot of toads before your prince comes along, but when he does, it will have been well worth the wait, worth the frustration, worth the anguish of always feeling second best...

    You are one heck of a handsome and sexy man. Someone will snag you up one of these days and when they do, you will be glad it didn't happen sooner with the wrong guy.

    Chill. Enjoy. Stop dating douchebags. lol
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    Apr 01, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    If I lived closer to Rancho Cucumonga I'd definitely go on a date with you.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Apr 01, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    From your own account, you've been searching for 8 years unsuccessfully. It seems like you've accepted a fate of "it's not going to happen." I'm not sure if that is part of the problem or not, but be open to the fact that your expectations (because of the many disappointments) may be getting in the way. In other words, you've been disappointed, it's going to happen again and so it does. It make subconsciously influence who you are attracted to, how you are interacting with them on your first date, etc. So how about switching your belief from "it's never going to happen" to "it will happen."

    With that said, you seem to be a great guy who knows what he wants. Continue to work on yourself and being happy with your life. Engage with others and enjoy what you do. Embrace your life without a bf and you'll be ready when "Mr. Right" shows up. He's out there.
  • gymlocker

    Posts: 159

    Apr 01, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    You're a nice looking guy, you're 26 years old. You just need some balls.

    First, stop judging yourself by how other people react to you. If someone doesn't call back after saying they will, it's more about them than it is about you.

    Second, be the man that you are looking for. You'll attract the same types of guys to you. Secure and take charge is interesting. Insecure is not attractive to a man. Ever.

    Third, evaluate what you want out of a relationship and stick to it. Maybe there isn't anyone out there right now that meets your expectations. Being in a relationship with someone that you don't really want is worse than being alone.

    Fourth, look around. You'll see lots of people in unhappy relationship situations. A vast majority of them in fact. It'll make you appreciate the fact that you didn't buy into the "relationship trap". You'll know when the right guy comes along. Why settle for something less in the meantime just to be "in a relationship"?

    Finally, take charge of your personal life. If the guy didn't call you back, quit acting like a girl and get on the phone. Ask him out, or ask him why not? You might learn something about yourself that will help you to be a better date, or you might find out that he lost your number when his cell phone died. Or, most likely, you will learn that it was his own insecurity that prevented him from calling you. Imagine that? And you thought it was all about you...

    Men have an advantage in that, unlike women, we're allowed to call the guy and express interest. A relationship is a two way street. Learn that now and avoid trouble later.
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    I really think confidence is key icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    plus you're good looking ... so u have that going for you !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    mo23 saidI really think confidence is key icon_biggrin.gif


    This. Every time I talk to anyone (gay or straight) about attraction, we all say the same thing. 50% of it is looks, 50% of it is personality/confidence/swagger.

    Im not the best looking guy, or the guy with the biggest muscle, but I have no problem attracting guys because of the confidence I exude.

    Think of it this way, would you want to be in a relationship with someone who consistently felt they were inferior?

    That being said, your probably not ready for a relationship right now. Try working on you. Pick up a hobby or a sport that you like and start feeling good about yourself. That is how you will attract people.
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:25 PM GMT
    agree ... thx for elaborating chainers icon_biggrin.gif ..... I am just lazy like that lol
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Apr 01, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    I understand where you're coming from, I feel that way myself often. But as others have already said, "believe in yourself". I know it's easier said than done, and even though I'm saying it to you, I'm still struggling to believe it when applied to myself. As far as I can tell, you sound like a heck of a guy, and many others here apparently think so and would love to date you too. So I hope that would be a confidence booster.

    In the meantime, maybe listening to this song would inspire you:



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 01, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    mo23 saidagree ... thx for elaborating chainers icon_biggrin.gif ..... I am just lazy like that lol


    Np man great minds think alike icon_smile.gif
  • Pyke

    Posts: 23

    Apr 01, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    I know the feeling, and I know it's hard. Let me tell you how I found my first long-term relationship (and I may be unqualified, as I have only had two serious relationships, one that lasted six months and the other a year and a half).

    When I found my now-ex, I was at a party. I went to the gay frat party with a friend because I purposely didn't want to meet anyone that night. I wasn't looking, I wasn't interested, and I had been single for at least three months (from my six month relationship).

    Well, I met my ex, and we had a semi-wonderful year and a half relationship that in the end just didn't work out. Unfortunately, relationships are hard to find. What's harder? Finding a gay man willing to be in a relationship... and a monogamous relationship at that (which is what I am all about).

    So now I am single again. I have had two dates lined up with this one guy that I met and he stood me up both times, the first he gave me an excuse, the second he just never responded. To say I am hurt would be a lie. Since I have been newly single, I just now began looking to date again and see what happens. I don't hook up (often) which many guys I meet that is all they want. But to be rejected by this guy, whom I talked to for over two weeks and we have been planning a date... and then not to mention the other guys that go to dinner around here on gay nights that seem like nice guys but aren't looking for dating... makes me remember how hard being single truly is.

    So I will revolt back to not looking. I won't look for dates, I won't look for relationships. I will let them find me. I won't hook up, and I won't really care if I get rejected when out socializing. It happens to me all the time. I know I am not the hottest man on the planet, I know I am not the cutest boy in the room... but i am working on it (back in the gym, being more active again outdoors [relationship put me in a hole where I couldn't be myself]).

    Lastly, I say... don't make the mistake I did. Don't be so desperate for a relationship to work that you will change almost everything about yourself, try to convince the other person that "You won't ever leave them" or you can be "Who they want" and allow them to manipulate and control you. Find someone you can just be around as friends, and go from there.

    I know I am young, but I have had alot of life experiences in my young age. Rejection from parents, men, friends, and near-death experiences. In the end, we must be happy ourselves, happy with ourselves, and enjoying life... until then, until you can trust yourself and truly say you are a happy person, can you trust someone else and be happy with someone else.

    Good luck in finding someone to date! If you find a secret that works, tell me! Until then, you will find me working in my professional life, working in the gym, kayaking, swimming, surfing, and trying new things outdoors!