What if you accidentally met the guy your boyfriend was cheating on you with?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 6:30 AM GMT
    I rarely ever contribute to these forums because I’m not on here that much. But I recently came across this crazy-ass situation that has stumped me. icon_neutral.gif

    I randomly met this dude while in Upstate New York a few weeks ago. We were having a great convo when he asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I told him, “It didn't work out. In the end, he ended it over text and made it seem like my fault. I shrugged and got over him in less than 20 seconds and moved on. Then I found out he had been cheating on me and playing me the entire time. I should have known better to try a LD relationship anyway.”

    When this dude asked me where my “ex” was from, I told him. The guy asked me, “Oh I’m from there, too. What’s his name? Maybe I know him.” I was extremely hesitant to tell this dude my ex’s name—because it was unimportant, unfair to my ex and didn’t really matter. After about 20 minutes of prodding, I gave in.

    When I said my ex’s name, the guy took two steps away from me and said, “Wait, what’s your name again?” I told him and he said, “It’s you. You’re the one. You’re the one he was cheating on me with.” My heart stopped and I damn near dropped my drink.

    I put two and two together and realized the guy I just met was the guy my ex was cheating on me with. But it turns out it was me--I was the "other guy"--not him. The guy I just met had been dating my “ex” from nine months and had every picture, text and story to prove it.

    My heart sunk as this dude began to pour out everything that happened; all the details I hadn’t known. He said to me: “I knew he was cheating on me. I would see texts from some guy with your name…and he told me you were just a friend visiting in town.” This dude was angrier than that woman from Diary of a Mad Black Woman. He began to tell me everything that I knew was true (without me mentioning it to him first) and told me things that began to answer a lot of my own unanswered questions.

    A part of me feels bad for him. He's angry, bitter—full of hate. I said, “Don’t let this guy do that to you. Don’t hate. It destroys. You can be angry but…don’t let him give you ammunition to be full of hate.” But the damage’s been done. He told me, "I hate him for what he did to me." I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He's in really bad shape.

    So I’m trying to figure out if I can help this guy; and how. There’s a part of me that feels guilty and responsible even though I didn't know. I got over my ex the second things ended because I knew of his (somewhat bad) reputation. I think it’s horrible that my ex's irresponsibility, lies and deception caused someone to be full of so much pain, hate and raw, bitter emotion.

    What would you do if you met “the other guy”—or found out you were “the other guy?” What would you say? How would you feel?

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 7:51 AM GMT
    You need to get out the situation. Period. He's your X. As in, out of your life. So whatever relationship 'baggage' should also be disposed of properly. Not recycled.

    Don't wallow in your X's X's issues. Thats something he needs to work through. I know its easier said than done and I can imagine the hurt he is going thru and I've been there, but you just have to move on.

    Sticking around is just going to do more harm than good.

    If by werid chance you 2 are attracted to each other, perhaps this could be a happy ending to a hurtful story, but I'd proceed with caution. He's still bitter and angry and probabaly not relationship material at this point in time.

    Just be glad he didn't go all out like Janet in Why did I get Married too?
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 03, 2011 8:58 AM GMT
    I would do absolutely nothing. It's THEIR problem, not yours anymore. Let them deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 10:18 AM GMT
    oh i know the people my ex was flirting and screwing ..... turned out they were acquaintances, and they told me later on whats up ...

    but what can you do? .... whats said and done is the past and at the time they didnt know.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    I'd have sex with them too so what my bf thought all the fuss was about
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    Apr 03, 2011 12:45 PM GMT
    AntoNomad saidI would do absolutely nothing. It's THEIR problem, not yours anymore. Let them deal with it.

    Agree. The accidental conversation you had with him was enough.

    I did assume this was about a different take on this subject, the BF/partner who is currently cheating, and the other guy is in on the deception, the "other woman." That's another situation that I might handle differently, and with prejudice.

    But here it looks like both of you BFs were the innocent injured parties of a serial philanderer. Now it's the original BF's problem to handle, you're already fortunately out of the scene and should stay out.

    I'm glad, though, that he believed your story, and didn't blame you for this. Imagine if this were the more classic case of the "other woman" who came onto the scene after you, not before, and he told you he didn't know about you, and that this guy was cheating on you with him. Would you believe him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 12:51 PM GMT
    Id fuck him hard in the shit hole and send the vid to my ex. Revenge is sweet.
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    Apr 03, 2011 12:55 PM GMT
    What's done is done. From the sound of it your ex played both of you at the same and you had the unfortunate chance of meeting the other guy after the fact only to learn you two had a similar bond with the creep. That sucks.

    Consider it closure and just move on. That's really all you can do since you aren't seeing your ex anymore. No sense living in the past. Plus, I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was the "other guy" or considered me to be the "other guy".
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    CHIdude saidId fuck him hard in the shit hole and send the vid to my ex. Revenge is sweet.


    Pefect answer ! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    Let it go. There's nothing in it for you except a pile of shit, and who wants that?

    I'm sorry to hear that all these unpleasant memories were stirred up btween you and especially the other guy. That Ms. Karma has perfected her bitchiness these days...icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:47 PM GMT
    In all honesty, looks like you guys both were victims to this so called boyfriend. Like many said, just let it go cause it wasn't worth it to begin with.
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    Apr 03, 2011 1:56 PM GMT
    The ex played both of you.
    You have sorrow in common and being cheated on in common. Some of the most amazing friendships I've seen between straight women began in just this way.
    Straight guys get shafted too. At my last job there were two guys that discovered, as they put it, "the same chick had our nuts on a plate". They'd become buddies and used to crack the rest of us up at coffee.


    -Doug
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    Apr 03, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    when life gives you apples, you say.... fuck them apples! icon_biggrin.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 03, 2011 2:15 PM GMT
    walk away.

    repeat as often as is necessary.

    he's your ex for a reason.....and you know the reason.

    walk away.

    repeat as as often.......
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19133

    Apr 03, 2011 2:23 PM GMT
    Your ex dumped you via text message, and you claim you "got over him in 20 seconds and moved on". Hmmmm...you sure about that? If this is true, then stay "moved on" and don't let yourself get dragged back into drama involving a guy who clearly doesn't deserve you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 03, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    I'd beat the shit out of him.....

    Just kidding... I think it all depends on what the circumstances are and when.
    I'm not sure I can really answer the question unless I knew the background involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 2:29 PM GMT
    Sex with him if he is my type, or get him to suck me off if not my type
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    wow. small world.

    honestly i would move on from my x and i would encourage this guy to do the same.

    now i wouldnt "encourage" becomeing friends with this guy jsut because u guys have been played by the same person, but if u guys generally seem to want to become friends i would do it. the only thing that makes me hesitate on that is that u guys couldnt bring each other back to a negative place since that is one of ur fundamental connections.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidYour ex dumped you via text message, and you claim you "got over him in 20 seconds and moved on". Hmmmm...you sure about that? If this is true, then stay "moved on" and don't let yourself get dragged back into drama involving a guy who clearly doesn't deserve you.


    Ha, I did. First, I had a pretty good idea things were over before he decided to "text" me that things weren't working out. Secondly, I knew he was being shady but I just didn't know exactly what it was about. In any event, any dude who isn't man enough to end something in person and decides to "text" to end things wasn't/isn't worth the time. Yes, 20 seconds. No point in getting butthurt over someone who wasn't worth the time anyway. lol.

    I know better than to be associated with the ex's ex. I wouldn't do that. I don't believe in that. I don't believe in revenge or getting even or having hostility towards someone. It's a waste of time. People tell me I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't do anything wrong but...that feeling is still kinda there, ya know?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    Find another man who has no relations with this man or your ex (in other words, move on and find someone new).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2011 9:39 PM GMT
    You don't need the drama. Politely excuse yourself. Getting involved with this guy in any small way brings your asshole ex back into the picture. That guy needs to move on, and having you there to remind him and commiserate in his anger won't help him either.

    That or have revenge sex.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Apr 03, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    This sounds like the plot for a movie, wow what are the odds. Halo, try to forget you knew your ex and his other guy. I know that's easier said then done, been there done that too.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 03, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    wow, this sounds like a really bad train accident. you want to help but you do not want to put yourself in harms way trying to help someone else. dude, i would stay in touch with him. i would try and reach out to him if wanted your help. if not there is nothing you can do but move on and let him deal with his issues. i mean honestly you do not owe him anything. since you are a nice guy i figure you should at least try to help him through this.

    now if it was me, i would do what you already did and that is move on with my life.
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:57 PM GMT
    CHIdude saidId fuck him hard in the shit hole and send the vid to my ex. Revenge is sweet.


    Really? Seriously? I would think the gay community is already full of vitriol and underhanded, unnecessary drama. I passed on that thought.

    Just an update: I didn't do anything. I haven't talked to him since. This whole situation actually worked out wonderfully (for me at least).

    Shortly after my ex ended things, I met another guy. Whenever I go to bars, I always go just to hang out with friends. I've never gone with any other intent or purpose. And I've never randomly gone up to talk to a guy. But one night, I was at this bar and saw this guy who I couldn't keep my eyes off of. One of my friends that was with me said, "Omg, you're not...you're not gonna do what I think you are, are you?" I took a deep breath and a part of me said, "F... it." I went up to him, introduced myself. We talked for a good 20 minutes. He asked me for my number. Later on in the night, the guy texted me and said, "It was great to meet you. It takes a lot of balls to randomly introduce yourself to a guy. I admire that." Whoa.

    And now we're on date #6. So I think its fair to say that had my ex not ended things, I wouldn't be dating a really awesome, really hot guy. ;)

    Gotta love endings like that. ;)

    But back to the main point...revenge is never the answer. I just hope this dude gets over it soon...and that my own sense of guilt and responsibility goes away!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    HaloJockNYC said Whenever I go to bars, I always go just to hang out with friends. I've never gone with any other intent or purpose. And I've never randomly gone up to talk to a guy. But one night, I was at this bar and saw this guy who I couldn't keep my eyes off of. One of my friends that was with me said, "Omg, you're not...you're not gonna do what I think you are, are you?" I took a deep breath and a part of me said, "F... it." I went up to him, introduced myself. We talked for a good 20 minutes. He asked me for my number. Later on in the night, the guy texted me and said, "It was great to meet you. It takes a lot of balls to randomly introduce yourself to a guy. I admire that." Whoa.


    Well that's nice that you were willing to go outside of your comfort zone to talk with someone. There is such a huge difference between straight and gay guys. Like generally a straight guy won't hesitate to talk to a girl (because they know women are NOT going to come up to them).

    I generally don't mind going up to approach someone, but it'd be nice if more people were receptive. All of the guys I've approached at the bar in the past couple of months didn't feel the same way I did!