Please help - I am desperate

  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 03, 2011 5:11 PM GMT
    The man I love is in trouble

    We have been together for six years. It's been a bit rocky but we have always pulled through even after a major breakup just recently. Things were going well until his old patterns started to surface again.

    He had a seizure on Christmas day and ever since he has been deeply depressed. He has epilepsy and neglected to take his medication for a day. He was always somewhat antisocial and anxious but it was never too much to the point of worry. He is depressed about his job and his appearance. I shook it off as a midlife crisis but it is getting far worse.

    He was prescribed anti depressants by his neurologist however he refuses to take them. He's scared to take new medications because he blames his problems on the pills he's been taking for his epilepsy for ten years. Last night he texted me "I have a phobia of people.. I have a phobia of cancer.. Why can't you let go of me I'm hopeless. I'm not going to live much longer anyway"

    I called him 12 times in the morning to make sure he was okay.

    I'm deathly afraid of this path that's going on but I don't know what else to do. He can make me smile from any of the worlds problems at the drop of a hat. He dragged me out from beneath a terrible life. The problem is that he will not seek help himself. He's convinced he's sentences to spend his life this way.

    I want to go to his parents but he would freak out. I legitimately don't care if he hates me for the rest of his life by whatever actions I might take to try and help him. I just want him healthy.

    Please.. What can I do. I'm 19 years old and he's 28. He has a loving home and family. But I don't know what to do. Have any of you ever overcome this sort of obstacle. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am desperate
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    Apr 03, 2011 8:03 PM GMT
    I think you have part of your solution, tell his parents. He may not want it, but the more people who are in his corner and aware of what is going on in his life and in his head the better. They love him, so they will want to help him just as you do. There are certain things that you as a BF may not be able to do for him that a parental figure may, given the difference in relationship and the fact that they can draw on the longterm relationship they have had with their son over the course of his entire life and his development with his condition.

    You need to be supportive and continue to encourage him to seek help. Pills only help with the physical aspects of any underlying mental condition, it does not address or teach a person how to deal with it. You should also encourage him to seek out others like him who are living with epilepsy, there are lots of support groups for various conditions. They have one advantage over all the rest of us: they can sympathize with what he is going through, and they can also be inspiration and models of how to live positively with the condition (that as you have indicated seems he has done fairly well with managing).
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    Apr 03, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    He needs an intervention. Get his family involved.
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    Apr 03, 2011 9:36 PM GMT

    I'm very sorry that you your are going through this.

    There are really two issues here: 1) your boyfriend's situation, and 2) how his situation is impacting you.

    In airplane safety demonstrations they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first and then attend to those around you. Helping people in medical or emotional or other crises is a lot like that. You need to look after yourself in order to be helpful to anyone.

    Your boyfriend's situation is very likable treatable, but he may well require treatment and support over a long period of time and recovery is rarely a straight line process. There may be relapses, etc. So, if you are going to stay in the picture and provide support to him, you need to be ready for a marathon, not a sprint.

    I found this website online, which may be helpful to you:

    http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/skills/supporting-family

    It certainly sounds like your boyfriend is in the grip of a nasty bout of depression. My 13 year old son has epilepsy as well as a mood disorder. Sometimes it's a tough call for his neurologist and psychiatrist and therapist to sort out which symptoms are better addressed via pure neurology and which are liklier to respond to other therapies. We have found that a number of medicines treat not only seizures but mood disorders too (e.g. lamotrigine, neurontin, etc). There are also some psych meds that are usually a bad idea for people with epilepsy (e.g. bupropion) because they lower seizure thresholds.

    I hope that you and your boyfriend can find the treatment that he needs and the support that you need. Best wishes.

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    Apr 03, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    First bud, I applaud you for not running in the other direction when times are tough. Many people would do just that.

    I've had a life-long seizure disorder similar to epilepsy that's rather serious and I take a "cocktail" of medication to remain seizure free. Being medication compliant, is by far, the most important thing. Many folks with this type of disorder/disease also have dual diagnosis' of depression or mood disorders.

    In combination with getting the proper drug regimen, I believe seeing a psychologist or therapist to assist in how to live your daily life while dealing with a serious disease is important.

    Diet, exercise, and sports helps me reduce stress, thus making my chance of seizures lower. It also naturally improves your mood, so it's a win/win.

    You've probably already told him many times that you are not going to leave him, but if you can reassure him that you will always be apart of his life in some capacity, it may lessen his anxiety.

    Like I said earlier, many people don't want this type of drama in their life so they duck out when times get tough. I know what your boyfriend is going through. Many, many, many times after I've disclosed my illness to potential boyfriends/partners, I never hear from them again. Your boyfriend may be thinking the same thing.

    Good luck. Namaste.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Apr 03, 2011 10:05 PM GMT
    As other people have said, I would call his parents. I have been in a similar situation to the one you find yourself in and at the same age. From what he wrote to you and his behaviour he also sounds like a manipulator. Be very careful with people like that. I may of course be wrong but if he is a manipulator I find it often stems from a difficult childhood and upbringing and he probably won't mean to manipulate you but it's probably a 'survival' mechanism. He is 28 and you are 19. You are not responsible for him or his actions. With your support and the support of his family and friends hopefully he will be able to get through this - and then therapy might be a very good thing for him to help him understand his depression. I wish you all the best in a very difficult situation. Make sure you're looking after yourself too okay?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 03, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    wow, i say tell his parents buddy. i mean seriously, they need to know what is going with him. if his family is as lovingly as you stated they would want to help. i wish much luck with your issues and you two can make it through this.i will say this you are a great guy for sticking this problem through
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 03, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    I apologize for lack of clarity or brevity in these responses, I posted this and typed it on my iPhone so it's a little hard to edit

    First off, thank you so much for all your well wishes and luck. I love the boy to death and while the possibility keeps looming that we are not right for each other, it's too clouded to tell from all these issues. He is the sweetest of sweet people who has every opportunity for greatness.

    Tue underlying issue is he has no desire to change. He's convinced himself he's destined to be unloved and lonely forever and everything worse in between. He can't even see what he has in me. I come from nothing. I don't have parents and have lived on my own since I was 14. I've been through struggles. It kills me that he has such loving and caring people around him and he is so full of darkness he can't even see it.

    @Flieslikeabeagle - I just got to say, that analogy made me a little teary. My last family, my grandma, died last year and I used that exact analogy to describe what type of person she was. She never put her mask on first. She suffered a stroke taking care of my alzheimers ridden grandfather. So thank you for that - it truly meant a lot. I'm only now learning to put myself first in most situations.. I'm too much a people pleaser!

    @DivotMan - he has always been there for me and I always want to be there for him. He's so amazing, but something is so wrong right now.

    I think I have my plan. Im going to research as many options for him as I can. Call doctors, talk to people, find support groups, research medications, exercise techniques, everything, and try to sit him down to talk about it. If he doesn't agree to start the anti depressants he was prescribed.. I'm calling his parents and were going to sit down with him because there will be nothing else I could possibly do. I've exhausted every option.

    Thank you all so much for your kind words. I appreciate it even more than you know.

    I don't care what path he has to take, even if in the end we don't work out, whatever.. I want him happy and healthy.

    And if anyone can clarify on this, he takes tegratol.. Until I get home, I'm not 100% sure of the effects
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 03, 2011 10:33 PM GMT
    Also.. My main concern is his lack of desire to change or better himself or try and work on these issues.. I don't know how to kick his butt to get him there. Though at the same time I guess in trying to accept that ultimately he has to make the decision to want to get better
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Apr 03, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    It's your decision but I would definitely call his parents straight away. Just think if he was your son, wouldn't you want to help?
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 04, 2011 12:10 AM GMT
    Friends... That's a big part of the problem. I hang out with people a lot. Kind of a social butterfly. He and I would get invited to things all the time but he'd never want to go so I'd stay behind and watch a movie with him and nothing else. I got a little tired of it so instead went to these parties without him. People stopped inviting him cause they felt he was shunning them so it started his downward decent into social phobia..
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    Apr 04, 2011 1:54 AM GMT

    Definitely sounds like your on the right track, Lupena.

    Some info on Tegretol (carbemazepine):

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000620/

    Looks like the main things to watch out for are: a skin reaction (esp if your bf is Asian), possible worsening of depression or suicidality; and the risk of seizures if the medicine is discontinued abruptly.

    Keep us posted. All the best.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 04, 2011 2:01 AM GMT
    I can understand what your bf is going through, I've been there. And, trust me, from my own experience, I didn't want my parents or anyone involved, but my ex did a good thing when he involved my family. Otherwise, I'd probably kill myself. And meds are A MUST. Lots of sunshine as well, and full support from his family, friends and you, of course. He might hate you, at the moment, but at the long run, he'll realize what you've done for him. He is sick and can't make clear judgement right now. And do it ASAP, before it's too late. Good luck
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 04, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    You all are so incredibly incredible, just.. I don't even have words for it. I wish I could hug each and every one of you.

    We are talking now, and he wants me to never speak to him again because I'm putting my foot down. I told him I can't cater to this depression anymore, and even if it means he hates me for it, I'm not going to let this behaviour continue. I told him I will always be there no matter what he needs at any time but that I can't let him wallow in his depression.

    And thank you, Anton, you've pretty much summed up exactly what I was hoping to hear... That the last thing you wanted was people involved, especially parents, yet it turned out to be the best possible thing... I was hoping someone could tell me that. It's a scary notion (He's shy about his sexuality, and our relationship, with his parents)

    Having him hate me as he does right now is probably the scariest I've ever felt in my life... But in the long run I hope this works. God it is scary though.

    I.. am scared.
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    Apr 04, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    Lupena saidThe man I love is in trouble

    We have been together for six years. It's been a bit rocky but we have always pulled through even after a major breakup just recently. Things were going well until his old patterns started to surface again.

    Please.. What can I do. I'm 19 years old and he's 28. He has a loving home and family. But I don't know what to do. Have any of you ever overcome this sort of obstacle. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am desperate


    anybody else weirded out that a 22 year old was dating a 13 year old...icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 04, 2011 3:55 AM GMT
    Lupena said We are talking now, and he wants me to never speak to him again because I'm putting my foot down. I told him I can't cater to this depression anymore, and even if it means he hates me for it, I'm not going to let this behaviour continue. I told him I will always be there no matter what he needs at any time but that I can't let him wallow in his depression.

    Having him hate me as he does right now is probably the scariest I've ever felt in my life... But in the long run I hope this works. God it is scary though.

    I.. am scared.


    Good, its not something to take lightly, and being honest about that is important and shows how much you care. I think you have taken great steps to action, you have demonstrated that you care, you have said you care and will continue too which is very important, but most of all you have also clearly stated in action that you are a participant in this relationship not just another bystander in his life.

  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 04, 2011 3:55 AM GMT
    Lupena saidYou all are so incredibly incredible, just.. I don't even have words for it. I wish I could hug each and every one of you.

    We are talking now, and he wants me to never speak to him again because I'm putting my foot down. I told him I can't cater to this depression anymore, and even if it means he hates me for it, I'm not going to let this behaviour continue. I told him I will always be there no matter what he needs at any time but that I can't let him wallow in his depression.

    And thank you, Anton, you've pretty much summed up exactly what I was hoping to hear... That the last thing you wanted was people involved, especially parents, yet it turned out to be the best possible thing... I was hoping someone could tell me that. It's a scary notion (He's shy about his sexuality, and our relationship, with his parents)

    Having him hate me as he does right now is probably the scariest I've ever felt in my life... But in the long run I hope this works. God it is scary though.

    I.. am scared.


    Don't be scared. Remember, no fear. And, my parents were totally not approval about my relationship with this guy, but he called them anyway and told them that I am sinking and that he doesn't know how to handle me anymore. So, thanks to him, I reunited with my family, and all the shit and tension was gone. We broke up after I got better, but that is totally off topic now. What I am trying to say, if you love him, do whatever it takes to save him. Desperate, depressive people are able to hurt or kill themselves, and the ONLY way to prevent that is for him to feel loved and accepted by his family and friends. One day he will thank you, be sure of that. And be strong. He doesn't even know that, but he needs you now more than ever. Let him "hate" you, that is irrational fear talking from him. You should know that's not going to be easy, but it's worth it, if you care about someone. Best of luck and hold in there.
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 04, 2011 9:09 PM GMT
    I have an update..

    After a very grueling night, and the declaration of never wanting to speak to me again, he has texted me just now with a few simple words I've wanted to hear for months now

    "I started the pills today"

    This was a huge step. I hope this is a sign that things are finally going to start getting better.

    All of your love and support is just godlike.. I appreciate it so so much and wish I could truly show you all how much it means

    I hope we are on the right road. Tonight I am going to get his parents involved. I have no idea where our relationship stands but it's second to his health
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    Apr 04, 2011 10:46 PM GMT
    jordanbobordan88 said
    Lupena saidThe man I love is in trouble

    We have been together for six years. It's been a bit rocky but we have always pulled through even after a major breakup just recently. Things were going well until his old patterns started to surface again.

    Please.. What can I do. I'm 19 years old and he's 28. He has a loving home and family. But I don't know what to do. Have any of you ever overcome this sort of obstacle. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am desperate


    anybody else weirded out that a 22 year old was dating a 13 year old...icon_eek.gif



    This confuses me a little as well.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 04, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    jordanbobordan88 said
    Lupena saidThe man I love is in trouble

    We have been together for six years. It's been a bit rocky but we have always pulled through even after a major breakup just recently. Things were going well until his old patterns started to surface again.

    Please.. What can I do. I'm 19 years old and he's 28. He has a loving home and family. But I don't know what to do. Have any of you ever overcome this sort of obstacle. Thank you for taking the time to read. I am desperate


    anybody else weirded out that a 22 year old was dating a 13 year old...icon_eek.gif



    This confuses me a little as well.

    -Doug


    Yea I avoided saying anything, no one wants to be judgmental, but yes very strange in deed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2011 2:51 AM GMT
    jordanbobordan88 saidanybody else weirded out that a 22 year old was dating a 13 year old...icon_eek.gif
    Under "normal" circumstances I would have been; but seeing as this relationship has outlasted the vast majority, I looked right past that part and decided to simply...give them my support in hopes that they can work things out for the best.
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 05, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    It's cool, I'm used to the "WTF" of it.

    I was 14, he was 22. I came on to him and asked him out. It just kind of happened. Six years running, and we both love each other. Love him to damn pieces. Or else I wouldn't go through all this for him, just like he wouldn't have gone through my dark times.

    I know, it's weird. I don't think about it anymore.
  • Lupena

    Posts: 24

    Apr 05, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    jordanbobordan88 saidanybody else weirded out that a 22 year old was dating a 13 year old...icon_eek.gif
    Under "normal" circumstances I would have been; but seeing as this relationship has outlasted the vast majority, I looked right past that part and decided to simply...give them my support in hopes that they can work things out for the best.


    That is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said. Thank you so much for that. =]