What happens when you begin to lose the zest for going on 1st dates?

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    Apr 03, 2011 7:03 PM GMT
    I don't know what's gotten into me recently but I think I'm at the point where I just don't want to go on anymore 1st time dates for awhile.

    I don't know but, I went on 2 dates this past weekend and like it just felt so ho-hum. People always mention how they have nothing in common with guys from the club except drinking, but sometimes I feel there's nothing 'there' when I first meet up with someone off a website either.

    And I hope this does not come off superficial but, I have yet to go on a single date since last October where I felt we actually 'looked good together'. As in, made a cute couple. I always feel these past few dates have been more like, "what are we doing together?" Usually they're twice as old as me, or too conservative, or not athletic enough for my tastes. There's just no mid-ground. I know what type of guy I'd be into I see them every day on this site and at the gym, but they don't seem to be the ones I end up with LOL

    I told one guy who I've known for awhile, we are sort of just friends with benefits but we started out dating for the first couple months or so. I told him, You seem to have so much going for yourself the looks department and I'm attracted to you, but your hygiene and the way you dress in public is just not coordinating or even compatible with me.. He will go out in public wearing a gaping hole in his shirt or a baggy hoodie in broad daylight with dirty shoes and clothes that haven't smelt like they've been washed because he smokes relentlessly. I cannot be seen in public with someone like that! I have helped him out and even given him one of my shirts that I've only worn twice, but he generally doesn't seem to give a damn about appearance.

    I realize every meet doesn't need to develop into a 'relationship' or anything beyond friends, but I'm not going to kid myself and say that I am happy going on date after date and turns out there is absolutely nothing in it for either of us.

    So honestly at this point, I don't even want to date anyone right now. Not until I can be firm enough on exactly what I want in a person, and if they are not in alignment with what I am seeking then I don't want to waste any time meeting up with them. It's getting to the point where I just need to stop going on dates with just anyone who asks me

    What do you think?

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    Apr 03, 2011 10:14 PM GMT
    The closest thing to a date I've been on in the past few years is "dating" a straight guy from work.
    The only thing we haven't done is sexed each other. Everything else is the perfect date.
    In fact, we're going out for sushi after while, then hanging out together all night.

    If I ever did want to date again, it would have to be with someone like him.
    Even my "friends with benefits" aren't as fun to hang around as he is. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 03, 2011 11:33 PM GMT
    Paul! ... i think as long as you can give up sex .... that's your guy icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 03, 2011 11:35 PM GMT
    Here in South Beach, a first date either leads to sex or no sex. Either way, there's no such thing as a second date. Could you please explain to me what a second date looks like?
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    Apr 03, 2011 11:56 PM GMT
    With that attitude I don't think you're gonna be in a relationship anytime soon. A piece of advice for a healthy romantic life: ^-^

    1. Close your eyes.
    2. Picture the man of your dreams, both physically and mentally, in action and behavior.
    3. Work towards becoming the man you have in your mind. Do with others what the man of your dreams would do to you. Emulate the man of your dreams both in action and behavior. That's it. 100% guarantee of success!

    Stop concentrating in the people you date and start concentrating in yourself. You will get better dates. If it doesn't work then I can only suggest you to go play RUA and press "z" to make all your wishes come true.. ^-^



  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Apr 04, 2011 12:40 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThe closest thing to a date I've been on in the past few years is "dating" a straight guy from work.
    The only thing we haven't done is sexed each other. Everything else is the perfect date.
    In fact, we're going out for sushi after while, then hanging out together all night.

    If I ever did want to date again, it would have to be with someone like him.
    Even my "friends with benefits" aren't as fun to hang around as he is. icon_wink.gif



    Well here's to setting ourselves up for success. Have to be like a straight guy to get the interest of a gay guy. If u think like that chances r u r going to miss potential guys by closing ur mind off to the common gay man
  • dannyboy1101

    Posts: 977

    Apr 04, 2011 12:43 AM GMT
    I'm with the I'm enjoying my company philosophy. I can do whatever I want whenever I want and have as much or as little fun as I want. Take a break. Everything needs rest... Even our bodies after a good workout. Growth happens while u rest and hopefully others will rest too otherwise ur the lone wise one in a village of idiots (which is where I feel I am right now)
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    Apr 04, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    Mostwant3d said
    2. Picture the man of your dreams, both physically and mentally, in action and behavior.





    The inherent flaw here is people are catastrophically bad at knowing what actually will make them happy. They have skewed fantasies of what they want that don't translate. Especially if they think it equates to physical factors you conjure in your head.
  • sevencloud

    Posts: 96

    Apr 04, 2011 12:52 AM GMT
    brianindenver said

    So honestly at this point, I don't even want to date anyone right now. Not until I can be firm enough on exactly what I want in a person, and if they are not in alignment with what I am seeking then I don't want to waste any time meeting up with them. It's getting to the point where I just need to stop going on dates with just anyone who asks me

    What do you think?



    I think you just answered your own question.
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    Apr 04, 2011 12:56 AM GMT
    brianindenver saidI don't know what's gotten into me recently but I think I'm at the point where I just don't want to go on anymore 1st time dates for awhile.

    I don't know but, I went on 2 dates this past weekend and like it just felt so ho-hum. People always mention how they have nothing in common with guys from the club except drinking, but sometimes I feel there's nothing 'there' when I first meet up with someone off a website either.

    And I hope this does not come off superficial but, I have yet to go on a single date since last October where I felt we actually 'looked good together'. As in, made a cute couple. I always feel these past few dates have been more like, "what are we doing together?" Usually they're twice as old as me, or too conservative, or not athletic enough for my tastes. There's just no mid-ground. I know what type of guy I'd be into I see them every day on this site and at the gym, but they don't seem to be the ones I end up with LOL

    I told one guy who I've known for awhile, we are sort of just friends with benefits but we started out dating for the first couple months or so. I told him, You seem to have so much going for yourself the looks department and I'm attracted to you, but your hygiene and the way you dress in public is just not coordinating or even compatible with me.. He will go out in public wearing a gaping hole in his shirt or a baggy hoodie in broad daylight with dirty shoes and clothes that haven't smelt like they've been washed because he smokes relentlessly. I cannot be seen in public with someone like that! I have helped him out and even given him one of my shirts that I've only worn twice, but he generally doesn't seem to give a damn about appearance.

    I realize every meet doesn't need to develop into a 'relationship' or anything beyond friends, but I'm not going to kid myself and say that I am happy going on date after date and turns out there is absolutely nothing in it for either of us.

    So honestly at this point, I don't even want to date anyone right now. Not until I can be firm enough on exactly what I want in a person, and if they are not in alignment with what I am seeking then I don't want to waste any time meeting up with them. It's getting to the point where I just need to stop going on dates with just anyone who asks me

    What do you think?








    lol.. it just reminded me of one of my favourite songs!

    But all in all, you answered your own question (someone mentioned that above already).

    have a good evening icon_razz.gif
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 04, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    sounds like you are depressed or just not feeling the people you are meeting buddy. there is nothing wrong with that
  • bburg34

    Posts: 127

    Apr 04, 2011 1:15 AM GMT
    just stop dating. you don't need someone else to be happy. just be alone.
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    Apr 04, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    Sounds like rubbish! He's not gonna come on a silver platter.
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    Apr 04, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    bburg34 saidjust stop dating. you don't need someone else to be happy. just be alone.


    ITA. And may I add that I think the right guy is worth waiting for. So if you're tired of dating, take yourself off market for a while maybe? Make yourself into the guy that you would like to date and you'll see that you'll start to attract people who you'd like to date. I read that in the gay husbands guide once I think?
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    Apr 04, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    Maybe you're in love?
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    Apr 04, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    Pato_Rico saidMaybe you're in love?


    With the gaping hole shirt guy? Could be. Yeah OP are you in love with this guy who wears the hoodie? If you are then of course you try to sabotage every single date you're on by trying to find fault with your dates. Nice work Pato!
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:07 AM GMT
    Mostwant3d saidWith that attitude I don't think you're gonna be in a relationship anytime soon. A piece of advice for a healthy romantic life: ^-^

    1. Close your eyes.
    2. Picture the man of your dreams, both physically and mentally, in action and behavior.
    3. Work towards becoming the man you have in your mind. Do with others what the man of your dreams would do to you. Emulate the man of your dreams both in action and behavior. That's it. 100% guarantee of success!

    Stop concentrating in the people you date and start concentrating in yourself. You will get better dates. If it doesn't work then I can only suggest you to go play RUA and press "z" to make all your wishes come true.. ^-^


    Ok, but I have DONE IT. I have become the man I want. I work hard to keep my body in shape, I'm independent, have own place and car, finances are stable enough to take a guy out on a date, I have lots of love to give and I'm outgoing and fun...what more can I be?

    I don't understand how you can assume I have non of the qualities I'm looking for. I've spent 3 years working on them, I think a deserve some credit for it.

    I think I just need to stop dating. I find casual hookups a lot more exciting and more promising than dating someone. You don't have to worry about whether it's the right time to fuck, that's the whole point.

    yourname2000 said
    What happened to me is I sexually hibernated for the next 23 years (how old are you again? icon_wink.gif ) ....is that the future you want??? --Having done it, I really wouldn't recommend it...there's no redeeming purpose to it at all.


    Me going into sexual hibernation is highly unlikely. Stopping dating has nothing to do with sex. It simply means to stop meeting up with guys for purposes other than sex but not for the purpose of 'just friends'.
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:14 AM GMT
    brianindenver said
    Mostwant3d saidWith that attitude I don't think you're gonna be in a relationship anytime soon. A piece of advice for a healthy romantic life: ^-^

    1. Close your eyes.
    2. Picture the man of your dreams, both physically and mentally, in action and behavior.
    3. Work towards becoming the man you have in your mind. Do with others what the man of your dreams would do to you. Emulate the man of your dreams both in action and behavior. That's it. 100% guarantee of success!

    Stop concentrating in the people you date and start concentrating in yourself. You will get better dates. If it doesn't work then I can only suggest you to go play RUA and press "z" to make all your wishes come true.. ^-^


    Ok, but I have DONE IT. I have become the man I want. I work hard to keep my body in shape, I'm independent, have own place and car, finances are stable enough to take a guy out on a date, I have lots of love to give and I'm outgoing and fun...what more can I be?

    I don't understand how you can assume I have non of the qualities I'm looking for. I've spent 3 years working on them, I think a deserve some credit for it.

    I think I just need to stop dating. I find casual hookups a lot more exciting and more promising than dating someone. You don't have to worry about whether it's the right time to fuck, that's the whole point.



    Good 4 u. Isn't it like the second thread you have posted basically complaining about the same thing? Why are you asking so much questions if you have the answers?
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:16 AM GMT
    brianindenverwhat more can I be?


    patient.
    icon_smile.gif
    or
    determined
    icon_smile.gif


    you have everything, all you need to do now is either be patient and hope that the man you meet knows exactly what you want or go after the man you want right off the bat.
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:20 AM GMT
    miamimasseur saidHere in South Beach, a first date either leads to sex or no sex. Either way, there's no such thing as a second date. Could you please explain to me what a second date looks like?


    South Beach is notorious for being transient and hyper-sexual. I spent 2 weeks there and not a day went by that sex wasn't presented. Or an ass. After that I did not want to see or hear anything about sex for weeks on end.

    But, don't believe that it's exclusive to just that. Getting to a 2nd date is not something really to be expected...

    But I can see where they are coming from. I hope this doesn't come off too much of a shock or make me sound loose, but I think another issue I have with dating is; I do not feel right going on a date with someone and not having sex afterwards..even though I may not want to because "you're not supposed to on the 1st date".

    I don't lose interest in a guy after having sex with him because if I did it means I'm into him. But most guys I've gone on dates with seem to do a 360 after you have sex with them. It turns into just a 1 night stand.

    But if we're not having sex, then we've got no business being on a date together! That's how I feel...And if it turns out to be a 1 night stand, then at least I didn't get my hopes up.

    Funny part is, 1 night stands usually end up sticking around...but the 'dates' who I end up having sex with are the ones that end up flaking. Confusing isn't it?
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    Apr 04, 2011 6:33 AM GMT
    I think with your own post you just answered your own question.

    You basically aren't ready to date or rather you aren't ready for a relationship. You seem mainly stuck on appearances and whether or not you'll make a cute couple which DOES sound superficial and shallow because it seems you are more worried about how others would see you. Another question one might ask is if you felt that they were too old for you, not athletic enough or too conservative then why the hell would you bother going out on a date with them in the first place? Seriously, you not only wasted your time but their time as well and that's just fucked up especially since you knew a 2nd date wasn't gonna happen.

    Screw your head on tight first and work out your personal problems first (yes, you have some) before venturing out and attempting to include others in your life.

    I say this with both humor, love and seriousness.

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    Apr 04, 2011 6:45 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidYou seem mainly stuck on appearances and whether or not you'll make a cute couple which DOES sound superficial and shallow because it seems you are more worried about how others would see you. Another question one might ask is if you felt that they were too old for you, not athletic enough or too conservative then why the hell would you bother going out on a date with them in the first place? Seriously, you not only wasted your time but their time as well and that's just fucked up especially since you knew a 2nd date wasn't gonna happen.

    Screw your head on tight first and work out your personal problems first (yes, you have some) before venturing out and attempting to include others in your life.

    I say this with both humor, love and seriousness.



    You are reading into it too deep and making up your own hypothesis.

    Its not about looks or impressing others. I'm not concerned about that. It's how I feel. I know when I make a cute couple with someone. Because we SYNC. We're not so far different that it throws everything off balance. We both like dressing up in public, we both smell good, and we both like to just have a good time and make each other feel good. The good thing about cute couple is it's not limited to race either. They can be Black, White, Asian, Latino or Mixed. They can be Brazilian and Portuguese. English. French. Belgian. Australian. What the fuck ever. But we're syncing because we're not on different wavelengths. What the hell does that have to do with anybody else? I have been in cute couple situations with another guy and I know how much better it feels than to be with someone I don't feel anything for.

    And it's also about how they feel because I bet they feel the same. I'm not going to get my hopes up and waste my time thinking that I'll have something long-term with someone who is totally incompatible with me.

    For example, I met with a guy who I danced with twice at the club for lunch. He's in his 40s, conservative, and couldn't enterain me much during our time together even though I tried hard to do so. Why would I FORCE a relationship to happen from that? Did I enjoy his company? Yes. But he never asked me out again after that. He probably didn't think we had enough in common to do so. Plus he was dating someone else anyway.

    As for your question to why I went on the dates in the first place? Because I was stepping out and not pre-judging people and found these things out AFTER I went on the date with them. Everyone deserves a chance (including me) and so I'm not the type to write off someone just because they don't 'seem' to meet my criteria. But, now that we are in 2011, I'm seriously considering re-evaluating that because there's other things I could be doing with my time.


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    Apr 04, 2011 6:53 AM GMT
    You are in a tough situation because of all your past expereinces with dating.
    I know it's tough because there are many men who aren't blunt off the bat and try to make it as if they are into you during the first date and then aren't later on. Essentially, you do feel like you wasted time out of your life... but that is kind of the whole point of dating.

    To waste a little bit of your time out of your life to get to know the man so that you don't end up wasting a year for example of your life living with someone you don't like.

    I think you just need to be exposed to more positive dating experiences...

    ------------------

    as for the dates are usually the same thing over and over again, then why don't you spice things up?

    Usually the first date is always going to be just talk and food because you essentially know abosultely nothing about them other than they make you hard for example (just an example!).

    But, for the second date, go to the movies and kiss or go bowling or go to a fine pastry store and make it more intimate if you want to cut to the chase
    .



    cheers, icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 04, 2011 7:13 AM GMT
    brianindenver said
    Guy101 saidYou seem mainly stuck on appearances and whether or not you'll make a cute couple which DOES sound superficial and shallow because it seems you are more worried about how others would see you. Another question one might ask is if you felt that they were too old for you, not athletic enough or too conservative then why the hell would you bother going out on a date with them in the first place? Seriously, you not only wasted your time but their time as well and that's just fucked up especially since you knew a 2nd date wasn't gonna happen.

    Screw your head on tight first and work out your personal problems first (yes, you have some) before venturing out and attempting to include others in your life.

    I say this with both humor, love and seriousness.



    You are reading into it too deep and making up your own hypothesis.

    Its not about looks or impressing others. I'm not concerned about that. It's how I feel. I know when I make a cute couple with someone. Because we SYNC. We're not so far different that it throws everything off balance. We both like dressing up in public, we both smell good, and we both like to just have a good time and make each other feel good. What the hell does that have to do with anybody else? I have been in cute couple situations with another guy and I know how much better it feels than to be with someone I don't feel anything for.

    And it's also about how they feel because I bet they feel the same. I'm not going to get my hopes up and waste my time thinking that I'll have something long-term with someone who is totally incompatible with me.

    For example, I met with a guy who I danced with twice at the club for lunch. He's in his 40s, conservative, and couldn't enterain me much during our time together even though I tried hard to do so. Why would I FORCE a relationship to happen from that? Did I enjoy his company? Yes. But he never asked me out again after that. He probably didn't think we had enough in common to do so. Plus he was dating someone else anyway.

    As for your question to why I went on the dates in the first place? Because I was stepping out and not pre-judging people and found these things out AFTER I went on the date with them. Everyone deserves a chance (including me) and so I'm not the type to write off someone just because they don't 'seem' to meet my criteria. But, now that we are in 2011, I'm seriously considering re-evaluating that because there's other things I could be doing with my time.




    I beg to differ in reading too deep into anything you just wrote or should I quote a portion of your original post so you can see how it sounds. Maybe you should be a little more clear on what you want to say so things like this don't happen because I'm not in the wrong for my comment.

    brianindenverAnd I hope this does not come off superficial but, I have yet to go on a single date since last October where I felt we actually 'looked good together'. As in, made a cute couple. I always feel these past few dates have been more like, "what are we doing together?" Usually they're twice as old as me, or too conservative, or not athletic enough for my tastes. There's just no mid-ground. I know what type of guy I'd be into I see them every day on this site and at the gym, but they don't seem to be the ones I end up with LOL


    So not only does it sound superficial AND shallow but you sound confused as well. You know what you want but yet date people completely opposite of your wants and to make matters worse you are fully aware of it. Really? I must've read too far into that comment. Maybe before dating these people you should try getting to know them as friends first. Oh wait....you did that already with "this one guy you''ve known for awhile" who you said you dated first for a few months then ended it because you said "I cannot be seen in public with someone like that!" because apparently his hygiene wasn't to your liking and his sense of fashion/appearance didn't mesh with you yet you call him a "friend with benefits" (sorta) so that means regardless of his hygiene and fashion you still bang him. Interesting. Also how can someone "sorta" be a friend with benefits? They either are or they aren't. There's no middle ground for that.

    Yeah. That makes sense and clearly I read too much into it. LOL.

    You aren't getting past the first dates because you are expecting too much from them which is your bad.

    Oh and not to point out the obvious or anything but you did ask publicly to know what others thought of this so if you can't handle the heat.... icon_idea.gif
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    Apr 04, 2011 7:30 AM GMT
    Guy101 said
    So not only do you sound superficial AND shallow but you sound confused as well. You know what you want but yet date people completely opposite of your wants and to make matters worse you are fully aware of it. Really? I must've read too far into that comment. Maybe before dating these people you should try getting to know them as friends first. Oh wait....you did that already with "this one guy you''ve known for awhile" who you said you dated first for a few months then ended it because you said "I cannot be seen in public with someone like that!" because apparently his hygiene wasn't to your liking and his sense of fashion/appearance didn't mesh with you yet call him a "friend with benefits" (sorta) so that means regardless of his hygiene and fashion you still bang him. Interesting. Also how can someone "sorta" be a friend with benefits. They either are they aren't. There's no middle ground for that.

    Yeah. That makes sense and clearly I read too much into it. LOL.

    You aren't getting past the first dates because you are expecting too much from them which is your bad.

    Oh and not point out the obvious or anything but you did ask publicly to know what others thought of this so if you can't handle the heat...


    LOL, I actually laughed on that first part because you are right. I know I'm not completely right on what I'm doing but I'm doing it because it seems to be the only thing available to do right now.

    The guy who I'm FB with, well the other day we were about to have sex and I just couldn't do it. The way he lives turned me off so much, and by having sex with him I would have felt obligated to keep being caught up in his drama, but I do have alot of attraction to him though. I'm not talking shit behind his back because HE KNOWS how I feel about the way he presents himself. I told him on several occasions that maybe if he dressed differently people (security, police, men) would treat him better and not a bum off the street.

    I'm trying to get out the pattern. However, I'm not expecting too much of first dates. I'm seeing it for what it is.

    In addition, since I've moved to where I am I am being presented with a completely different type of people. Instead of saying that I'm 'going out with them anyway', consider that I'm opening up my mind.