Please help me

  • scottsulli

    Posts: 3

    Apr 05, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    Hi
    This is my first post ever. I am struggling with my life and thinking about whether it is worth going on. I am gay/bi and married with kids. I love my wife and my kids so much and I love the life I have built but in the past 12 months I have had to face the face that I am gay and that it is not going to ever change. I can't face being dishonest to my family anymore, but to change that I have to shatter their world.

    The problem is that I know nothing of the gay world, and I have never had a close relationship with a man. I have only ever "loved" girls.

    I have come to the conclusion that I have to tell my wife. I love her more than anything and it will shatter her. Once that happens I don't know how I will go on.
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    Apr 05, 2011 3:06 AM GMT
    Wow that is very heavy burden to carry. I guess my advise is to be very honest with yourself. It's ok to know nothing about the gay culture. There are plenty of guys who are in a same-sex relationship and they haven't been (over)exposed to the gay culture. This is especially true for guys who live further from gay meccas like SF or NYC. But the most important thing is to recognize that you have feelings or at least sexual urges for other men. Once you recognize it, your job is to decide what it is that you want. Do you want to continue living the way you are living right now, or you want to find something that will eventually make you happy? Of course I'm not saying that the coming out process will be easy. It never is. But just ask yourself this: are you truly happy right now and is your current version of you worthy of your greatest dreams? If it is, then don't change anything. If not, wouldn't now be a good time to do something about it? You are the only person that holds your key to your destiny, so only you can answer those questions.
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    Apr 05, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    Contact http://www.realjock.com/eb925guy . He is a nice guy and just went thru the same thing...divorce with kids
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    Apr 05, 2011 3:45 AM GMT
    Married for 27 years and just now divorcing...My wife is still my best friend but I have come out and am finally at peace....send me an IM if you want to chat.....you're not alone....there are tons of guys here in the same boat.........keithicon_wink.gif
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    Apr 06, 2011 5:45 AM GMT
    Many of us are or were married and went through the frustrations. Some thought they were bi, other discovered they were bi and many of us realized we were gay all along. Regardless of where you stand on that scale, coming out is a struggling process but the emphasis is that it's a process. It does not happen over night nor is it particularly easy. Most guys I've supported love their wives but discovered they are not in love with them. The want the best for them and would like to try and work out something where they can remain with them but also fulfill their needs for a guy. I'm not sure the majority end up with this result. I believe most end up divorcing and starting a new life.

    Either way, you're not the only person who had dealt with these issues. Hang in there and do some searching of the forum posting, you'll find some great forums by married guys. Here's a few you might find of interest:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1302668/
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1441344/
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1380156/


    Good luck.
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    Apr 06, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidMany of us are or were married and went through the frustrations. Some thought they were bi, other discovered they were bi and many of us realized we were gay all along. Regardless of where you stand on that scale, coming out is a struggling process but the emphasis is that it's a process. It does not happen over night nor is it particularly easy. Most guys I've supported love their wives but discovered they are not in love with them. The want the best for them and would like to try and work out something where they can remain with them but also fulfill their needs for a guy. I'm not sure the majority end up with this result. I believe most end up divorcing and starting a new life.

    Either way, you're not the only person who had dealt with these issues. Hang in there and do some searching of the forum posting, you'll find some great forums by married guys. Here's a few you might find of interest:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1302668/
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1441344/
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1380156/


    Good luck.



    Thanks for being here, eb925guy.

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    Apr 06, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    I am enthralled to see the support in this thread!

    It genuinely put a smile on my face.
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    Apr 06, 2011 6:19 AM GMT
    TrevorMark saidI am enthralled to see the support in this thread!
    It genuinely put a smile on my face.


    Well for those of us that have faced this struggle, it's very real. The one thing that is of the greatest value is the development of a support system to help you through and what better place than a site like this to reach out for help. I had someone ask me the other day why I don't go into psychology after I retired and my response was because I enjoy doing it just because it's the right thing to do and there were those that supported me and it was invaluable. Giving back to the community icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 06, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    eb925guy said
    TrevorMark saidI am enthralled to see the support in this thread!
    It genuinely put a smile on my face.


    Well for those of us that have faced this struggle, it's very real. The one thing that is of the greatest value is the development of a support system to help you through and what better place than a site like this to reach out for help. I had someone ask me the other day why I don't go into psychology after I retired and my response was because I enjoy doing it just because it's the right thing to do and there were those that supported me and it was invaluable. Giving back to the community icon_lol.gif

    I know I can't like this post.
    But I highly approve.
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    Apr 06, 2011 11:16 AM GMT
    TrevorMark saidI am enthralled to see the support in this thread!

    It genuinely put a smile on my face.
    x2
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    Apr 06, 2011 11:20 AM GMT
    Good for you for having the courage to admit who you really are, even though you know it will be very difficult.

    As has already been posted, there's plenty of support and advice available on here, and I'm sure there are other websites etc that can help you through your situation.

    Whatever happens don't lose hope, it will obviously be a very difficult time but believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and eventually you will find peace and happiness, and so will your wife and family.
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    Apr 06, 2011 11:26 AM GMT


    I third that,

    It's warming to see such support being opening offered, I hope the OP takes up the kind offer. There is no shame is being in this circumstance, and I have the utmost respect for guys that chose not to go down the path of simply hiding their sexuality and venting in the form of affairs and un-safe activity.

    Don't forget your kids are young, their world will be a different place than ours when they are old enough to understand, and they will respect you. Without you they wouldn't be here.

    Good luck.
  • aaronkei

    Posts: 211

    Apr 06, 2011 11:28 AM GMT
    If none of the advice helps or you just wana chat to me you can send me a message. I'm sorry I just don't have time to post on here today but I will be more than happy to help you in any way I can icon_smile.gif If you choose not to talk to me I wish you good luck and all the best.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Apr 06, 2011 11:32 AM GMT
    I was in your shoes man, and just a year ago....a year ago tomorrow actually I came out to my wife after 12 years of marriage. We also have two kids, similar in ages to yours. It can be very daunting indeed. Definitely check out the other threads mentioned above and send me a note I'm more than happy to talk with you about my experience, how it went and where I am today.
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    Apr 06, 2011 11:53 AM GMT
    Mate, my first words to you are... DO NOT KILL YOURSELF.

    I say that because you mention you dont know if life is worth going on for - of course it is... you think the only thing in life are wife and kids? Hell no - they may feel like everything to you now... but this isnt the first time (heck, its surprisingly common) that a gay man has been in denial, made a family, and then come out of the closet. You have done the right thing by coming here, lots of people to give advice and offer support.

    Im happy you acknowledge that you know what you have to do - be honest and fess up to te wife. As for the kids, they wont understand, but they dont need to know you are gay, at least not yet.

    But still - I dont want to beat a dead horse, just thought it was worth reinstationg whats been said and what will continue to be said (so that you know youu can count on us).... but there is something you have to remember...

    You have proven to us why we know you will be just fine already. You speak of a family you have started, and how scared you are to impact them like this. But on the contrary you also say that you know nothing about the gay scene/lifestyle... and thats just it... when you slowly get more immersed in it, you will feel more a part of it, and like it is a part of you. I know this for a fact because I am experiencing this right now. I used to say on my profiles that I am very much in the straight world (in fact my one here STILL says im very non-scene)... but I have discovered since travelling overseas that we have to go where we feel we belong, even if just for a little while before we go back somewhere comfortable, in order to identify ourselves and form a real backbone, and feel more secure with ourselves.

    I hate sounding overly preachy and shit, but put it this way - the worst thing about being gay (for me) is the fact that i have to go through complicated procedures to have my own kids... and you have that - yes you will complicate your life by coming out, but... you have kids man....... you have kids........ im jealous of you for that.

    So just come back here as often as you like, dude. There is an army of support behind ya - i only clicked into this because the thread title said you need help, and so many others will do the same for you because we were all once "straight" too.
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    Apr 06, 2011 12:03 PM GMT
    My heart goes out to you. If you ever need someone to talk to shoot me an email or IM. I could only imagine how hard it is, I admire you for coming to terms.
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    Apr 06, 2011 12:09 PM GMT

    It seems like an impossible hurdle to get over. But it's not. It's scary, it's heart-wrenching, there's an amount of guilt that few can understand. But trust me, you'll get through the short-term pain and come out better and happier on the other side. I don't think anybody can sugar-coat the experience and say that you won't leave some wreckage in your wake — but I believe strongly that life is a process, we're imperfect beings who do our best to make the right decisions. It sounds to me like you know what decision has to be made. It's a process, a tough one, but not as insurmountable as it seems to you now. It's difficult to look forward, you have no perspective. So take it from people who have been through the process: There's light at the end of the tunnel, and you can and will live a happy, open life.

    Feel free to email me.

    David

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 06, 2011 12:34 PM GMT
    Sounds like you are getting some good input. Sorry that you are going through such turmoil.. I know you want to do what's best for your children and your wife.

    I'm glad you have some references here to get additional input. To
    "shatter their world", as you put it, is a tough call, but at least you are being honest. You still love them, it isn't like you are rejecting them as individuals.
    The alternative? Deception and dishonesty with activities like escorts and
    your own frustration over the situation.

    Take time, get additional information and consider carefully before you take action. Good luck and please keep us informed!
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Apr 06, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    Many of us have been in your shoes. I was married for 12 years with a 5 year old daughter when I came out to my wife. No doubt, it is the hardest thing that you will ever do. But to live authentically and honestly is what you owe yourself and your family. I struggled and thought I could be the martyr and sacrifice my happiness for theirs. But I realized after much soul-searching that if I was not truly happy, how could I make them happy. The fact is I couldn't.

    It is not the end of the world...it's the end of your life as you have constructed it to this point. Your relationships will change but you can shape them into something that works moving forward. It will be challenging but in the end it is all worth it. Don't give up hope.

    There are many guys who have walked in your shoes. Reach out to any of us on RJ. You will find that the formerly married men have quite a bond and are willing to share their stories, struggles and insights to help you through your toughest times. I'm not sure if there are still chapters around, but you may want to see if there is a local chapter of the Gay Fathers' Coalition in your area. Again, another resource where you can find support and guidance.

    Best to you and please don't hesitate to contact me directly if I can help.

    Will
  • vacyclist

    Posts: 162

    Apr 06, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    Hey man, this is about as tough as it gets but you can get through it. My story is a bit unusual, maybe it will provide another perspective about how things could play out for you.

    Things are MUCH better for myself, my wife and my boyfriend since I came out to the wife & college age kids a couple of years go....my present relationship status is "still married with boyfriend"...and the wife & bf are on friendly terms (we're all living in the same area). This seems to be working for the moment because 1) I'm actually bi and love both of these people, and 2) wife & bf are both loving, open-minded and accepting of the peculiarities of the arrangement.

    I share my time between my wife & farm, and the bf & his spiffy condo in town. I do things socially with the wife, with the bf, and on rare occasions the three of us have been spotted out & about on the local scene. For sure this arrangement is viewed as "impossible" and/or "doomed to failure" by most people who discover it, and certainly there have been lots of challenges getting to where we're at. But as long as we keep the lines of communication open (particularly between wife & bf) we seem to be able to work things out. I can't say what the future holds, but I can say that I live each day to the fullest in authenticity with the people I love. That's a pretty good start.

    My daughter is also bi, so if anything my coming out to her was a major plus to our relationship. My son is straight but has had gay roommates in the past, to him it's "not a big deal".

    Hope this helps, email me if you'd like to chat.

    Nick

  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Apr 06, 2011 2:33 PM GMT

    You are in a tough situation but not a hopelessly impossible one. I have been there too (married nine years, have 2 boys) but you owe it to your children, your wife, your extended family and YOURSELF not to seek a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Feel free to hit me up on here if you want....and if you do not...PLEASE talk to someone and reason this out.

    Here are a few resources I found on google you may want to check out:

    http://www.comingout.com.au/website2.html

    http://www.gayfamilysupport.com/gay-support-groups.html

    http://gaylife.about.com/od/comingout/Coming_Out.htm

    http://www.notsostraight.com.au/real-services/

    Godspeed to you in your journey. Please do what is right for yourself and your loved ones.
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    Apr 06, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    Good friend of mine was in your place at one time, now he is out, has a great life, amazing relationship with his wife and kids, and is starting to date other guys. It was hard for him at frist and he imagined things would go a lot worse then they really did. Now that he is out life is much better for him and after the inital shock to the family things slowly got back on track and everything is ok. His wife lives down the street, their kids split the time between the two the best they can with their work schedules and both he and his wife and dating new guys. Your life will be ok man as will your family, what you imagine is always worse then what actually happens.
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    Apr 06, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    Wow, the response here is amazing. All of you guys who have never gone through this and yet offered encouragement, from all of us that have gone through it, THANK YOU! You have no idea how much help it is to know others out there care enough to be that supportive.

    You're the pearl in an oyster found in some big unknown body of water that contains so many unknowns and is so scary for guys coming out. For a guy coming out and dealing with the loss of a marriage, a wife, a new relationship with family and all that goes with it, it's amazingly generous. Really, thank you!
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    Apr 06, 2011 5:24 PM GMT
    Many of us have been in your situation and some of us are still in that situation. Know that you will have the support and the comfort that you need here amongst your Real Jock friends. You are not alone and what you are about to do is a very difficult path but first and foremost you must be true to who you are. Only then can you truly be there for your family. I wish you all the best and my heart and prayers go to you and your family. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk or someone just to listen. I will be here for you… I wish you all the very best in all that you do.
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    Apr 06, 2011 5:32 PM GMT
    Be strong icon_sad.gif