Why me...... I ask myself everyday.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    I knew my whole life that I was gay and yet I waited till my early 30's to come to terms with it. Everyone around me had me convinced homosexuals were evil and therefore making coming out very dificult. I felt fortunate when I met a handsome business man a few years older than me. He coached me and made me feel comfortable in my own skin. We dated for six months before one great evening our relationship became sexual. I was a virgin and it fealt wonderful and natural to have a man touch me and me touch him. That night changed me in so many ways, he showed me how wonderful physical love could be and left me hating myself. A man that I learned to trust, left me hurting with regret for the rest of my life. One night of pation and letting my guard down left me with the HIV virus. If I could only go back in time, I would pay anything!

    I am alone and would love to have someone in my life, but the rejection, the unreturned calls and texts hurt. I am healthy and my virus is undetectable. My Doctor's tell me I am going to live a long normal life and I have so much to share. I know there are so many others out there that know how I feel.

    Please, If someone tells you they are hiv positive, do not leave them wondering. If it bothers you..... tell them.....talk to them about it. Trust me, it was harder for them to tell you their status than it is for you to say "I respect you for telling me, but it is more than I can handle.

    Please be kind and respectful

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    Apr 05, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    You are making yourself depressed by being sad about it. I know poz guys who are happily partnered with other poz guys and poz guys who are happily partnered with negative guys.

    People will always consider it a stigma because it is a hassle that no one really wants to have to deal with on a daily basis. Some people can deal with it and others cannot. You'll just have to learn to accept the rejections and not be all mopey about it because you're just bringing yourself down.
  • Xerex05

    Posts: 10

    Apr 05, 2011 5:32 AM GMT
    I agree with Avada. You can't undo what is done, what you can change however, is your reaction to the situation. I would suggest for you to find a support group that way you won't feel so alone. Don't spend any more days of your life with regret. Go on and live your life to the fullest, smile because you are alive icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 05, 2011 5:41 AM GMT
    You seem well spoken and able to express yourself here, so I dont think I should try too hard to remind you that all bad things that come to us in life will bother us only for as long as we allow them to.

    Just the same way you are coming to terms with your sexuality, you will come to terms with being HIV positive. Say it out loud to yourself a few times, find a support group, something like that (in a way, you have already done so by starting this thread). Just dont forget that one of the first steps in making yourself feel better is to just talk about it, because if you feel like you are the only one with the problem, it will torture you, so kudos for getting this far already.

    Also, for the record, I have been in the situation where I was about to have sex with somebody (we met through some funny circumstances, and it wasnt a planned hook-up). He politely explained to me that there should be something I should know about him before having sex, and once I had found out I admit I was bummed (oops, poor choice of words!). I had never been in that situation beforehand, but I instantly felt I could relate... because he essentially "came out" as positive to me, and so I explained to him that I wasnt really comfortable with having sex, but we spoke about it and bonded after that.

    What you see as a stigma wont burden you forever... you now have an oportunity to rise to the occasion and inspire others who will eventually find out they are positive too.

    Chin up
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    Apr 05, 2011 6:21 AM GMT
    It sounds cliched, but it gets easier with time. It's true, there are some really rotten people out there. People aren't always going to be nice to you and you're probably going to read and sometimes even overhear some very rude, ignorant and hateful things. You're going to learn to dismiss it when it doesn't matter, confront it when it does and figure out the difference. You'll learn to surround yourself with people who don't see you for your hiv status, but are there when you need to bitch about it.

    You're going to be fine. icon_smile.gif




  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Apr 05, 2011 6:37 AM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidIt sounds cliched, but it gets easier with time. It's true, there are some really rotten people out there. People aren't always going to be nice to you and you're probably going to read and sometimes even overhear some very rude, ignorant and hateful things. You're going to learn to dismiss it when it doesn't matter, confront it when it does and figure out the difference. You'll learn to surround yourself with people who don't see you for your hiv status, but are there when you need to bitch about it.

    You're going to be fine. icon_smile.gif


    This!
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    Apr 05, 2011 6:49 AM GMT
    Thank you for your post.

    I'm guilty of ostracizing a friend in the past when I found out he was HIV positive. Ironic thing was when he told me of his status, he did so for my own safety. We were about to have sex and he stopped me. He even put me on the couch and went into the bedroom, alone. After I sobered up, I started to view him as a second-class citizen. I ignored most his phone calls and txts, I denounced him in front of our friends. I kept finding excuses to hang out less and less. Eventually I destroyed our friendship and disappeared altogether.

    Never once did the thought cross my mind of how HE might have felt, of what it took for him to told me of his status. Another poster was right; it's like a second coming out. I never did care about how he felt when I started to treat him the same way everyone else has been treating him. Only through years of maturity, and reading posts from other points of view like yours, have I realized what a complete shithead I was to a friend who only cared about my health.

    I wish you the best of luck. Chin up.
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    Apr 05, 2011 6:55 AM GMT
    It's definitely a sensitive topic and it is unfortunate that people hold this view against poz individuals.

    You can be a person who has been with one man your whole life and then after a couple years, you find out you are infected. It is a sad thing, but it does not mean you are a bad person at all.

    I hope you stay strong and your doctors are correct, you will live a long and great life.

    cheers to you icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 05, 2011 2:33 PM GMT
    Some of the most authentic and inspiring people that I've met over the years are HIV-positive. It is unfortunate that some of us are too shallow and judgmental to get to know them. Gay guys who judge you based on your status are not worth a grain of salt. Gay guys who won't return your calls or messages once they know your status are nothing but cowards, and you're better off not hearing from them ever again. I wish you the very best, brother...good health, good life, good friends.
  • BeNiHiKoU

    Posts: 250

    Apr 05, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    Thank you for your post. Handsome...

    I agree with your doctor: you have a lot to share and teach... be it to others or to yourself. Being alone sounds like a sad undesirable state... So why not trying a different perspective?!... How'bout being by YOURSELF... Some might say it's just word play, in the end you're still not with someone else... But at least, you are with/by yourself... And I, for one, believe that a Self which you know, love, cherish and care for is much better than an Other who would take you for granted and disposable...

    I pray that you do not really hate yourself for that night.... It is your life... Do not make your Happiness so conditional upon others.. You can have that as a perfectly valid option, sure... But it should not be the fundamental one... I want to believe that Self is the fundamental element of Happiness... simply because Self will always be there with you wherever you are, whatever (or whoever) you do, whomever you're in a relationship with... So why not find a way to be truly happy on your very own?!... icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 05, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidIt sounds cliched, but it gets easier with time. It's true, there are some really rotten people out there. People aren't always going to be nice to you and you're probably going to read and sometimes even overhear some very rude, ignorant and hateful things. You're going to learn to dismiss it when it doesn't matter, confront it when it does and figure out the difference. You'll learn to surround yourself with people who don't see you for your hiv status, but are there when you need to bitch about it.

    You're going to be fine. icon_smile.gif






    This is very true & sound advice. You sound like your a level headed guy that all of us will agree has been dealt an unfair hand at life as far as this is concerned but you cant let any of this define you as a whole person or rule your life.

    Me being newly single again & dealing with my supposedly monogamous loving partner cheating on me, giving me hiv I can somewhat relate to your anguish over the whole situation.

    The plus side is that your in pittsburgh & either in or near some awesome metropolitan area that give you great options for coming out as gay & being hiv. Im sure there are many support/activity groups that you can join to discuss & find others to relate to concerning both topics.

    As far as being gay remember its only part of you, its your sexuality. Its really no ones business, you dont have to shout it from the roof tops or anything else. You sound like a great guy that just happens to be attracted to men. So what. Ive found that the more we make about being uncomfortable about our sexuality than others will to. The same applies to if your confident in who you are and make no excuses for it, then others will love you for you as a person.

    The best advice I can give as far as the hiv thing is & this is coming from someone that is positive also....live your life & dont let it control you with depression, anxiety & uncertainty.

    You have 2 choices. You can give up & die from hiv, or you can fight & "live" with hiv. And it will be an awesome long & fulfilling life if you choose it to be.

    "get busy living or get busy dying" shawshank redemption.
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    Apr 06, 2011 1:13 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 06, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    wow dude, i am so sorry your experience was you such a mixed experience. dude, i will say this if you are as nice as you come across on here than you will not be single for long. there are done of guys out there wouldn't mine having someone like you in there life. i definitely wish you well with your search and definitely stay positive. love will come