I'm afraid that a future partner would cheat on me

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    Apr 07, 2011 9:09 AM GMT
    I want to be in a LTR if i find the right one, but I'm afraid that he would cheat on me. It's a scary thought, partly because it could lead to me getting an STD.

    Just how prevalent are STD's in the gay community anyway? I don't really know as much as I should about the gay community. It seems like everyone here is HIV- , but is that a good representation of how it is?

    I just want to know how likely it is that I'll get an STD (as long as I'm not promiscuous). I mean, wouldn't a lot of people who do have an STD lie about it?

    (sorry for these questions. I know it's not a pleasant topic.)
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    Apr 07, 2011 11:05 AM GMT
    It's a problem that has no real soloution (IMO)

    Obviously any partner or hookup you will be using protection, but a time will come later down the road when you will discus not using it. it't then that the hard decisions come, you need to make a decision based on trust and respect and weigh up the risks. Don't forget if he cheats, he's putting both your lives at risk and therefore you hope that this would make it not a flippant thing to do on his part.

    Don't let being gay make the decision for you, STD's are prevalent in the straight community too (most new infections of HIV are in straight women and have been for years - in Ireland anyway).

    I would say cross that bridge when you come to it, its a problem that you may never have, there are some guys that even in a LTR will keep using protection, others wait 6 months or a year, that's up to you.
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    Apr 07, 2011 11:11 AM GMT
    That question has no specific answer to it as you don't know exactly what he does 24/7...you have to trust him.

    You just have to be safe and use condoms even with your LTR partner untill you feel that the TRUST you develop towards him is strong enough for you to risk not using a condom.

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    Apr 07, 2011 12:27 PM GMT
    In my opinion a significant number of gay guys are chronic cheaters and liars. I'm not sure why that is, but it is what it is. I think it has to do with lack of self-discipline and self-respect. You cannot control what the other person does, and there can be no guaranty that your "partner" will have your welfare and protection as his paramount concern. Gay guys in general are selfish and self-absorbed, and it's likely that your "partner" will think of his desires first and foremost. With that in mind, you should carefully and wisely choose your partner. Similarly, you need to make sure that you protect yourself physically and emotionally. A small dose of skepticism is advisable.
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    Apr 07, 2011 12:36 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIn my opinion a significant number of gay guys are chronic cheaters and liars. I'm not sure why that is, but it is what it is. I think it has to do with lack of self-discipline and self-respect. You cannot control what the other person does, and there can be no guaranty that your "partner" will have your welfare and protection as his paramount concern. Gay guys in general are selfish and self-absorbed, and it's likely that your "partner" will think of his desires first and foremost. With that in mind, you should carefully choose your partner. Similarly, you need to make sure that you protect yourself physically and emotionally.


    Why do you say that gay guys are self-absorbed cheaters? I don't think there's much of a difference between gay guys and straight guys. I mean, I am not like that, and I'm sure there are plenty like me.
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    Apr 07, 2011 12:37 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIn my opinion a significant number of gay guys are chronic cheaters and liars. I'm not sure why that is, but it is what it is. I think it has to do with lack of self-discipline and self-respect. You cannot control what the other person does, and there can be no guaranty that your "partner" will have your welfare and protection as his paramount concern. Gay guys in general are selfish and self-absorbed, and it's likely that your "partner" will think of his desires first and foremost. With that in mind, you should carefully choose your partner. Similarly, you need to make sure that you protect yourself physically and emotionally.


    I believe you hit the point there. Maybe its because we are men we just want to tap whatever walks out there...So i agree with you that there is a lack of self-discipline and self respect out there.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Apr 07, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    There are STD's in any "community", gay or straight. Cheating is always a possibility. I would encourage you to engage a guy on all levels and continue to work at your relationship and never take it for granted. That will help protect against cheating.. but there are no guarantees.

    As far as STD's... if you really are worried about it.. always observe safe sex practices. Again, you can't be guaranteed against picking something up, but it certainly helps!
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    Apr 07, 2011 12:43 PM GMT
    Dissonance said
    DOMINUS saidIn my opinion a significant number of gay guys are chronic cheaters and liars. I'm not sure why that is, but it is what it is. I think it has to do with lack of self-discipline and self-respect. You cannot control what the other person does, and there can be no guaranty that your "partner" will have your welfare and protection as his paramount concern. Gay guys in general are selfish and self-absorbed, and it's likely that your "partner" will think of his desires first and foremost. With that in mind, you should carefully choose your partner. Similarly, you need to make sure that you protect yourself physically and emotionally.


    Why do you say that gay guys are self-absorbed cheaters? I don't think there's much of a difference between gay guys and straight guys. I mean, I am not like that, and I'm sure there are plenty like me.


    Give your self a couple more years and you will know the answer to your question. I'm not saying that ALL gay guys are chronic liars and cheaters, but a significant number of us are. I am neither a liar nor a cheater, just like you. But I have learned to accept the fact that many others are dissimilar. You seem like a well-grounded person, and I'm glad that you have the attitude that you have. Best of luck.
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    Apr 07, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    robo_robo saidI think its good to be aware about protecting yourself and choosing to enter your relationships with trustworthy people. I would be trusting of your new partners (but still use protection) until they give you a reason for you not to trust them. Most people are good people and most people want to respect their partners.

    That being said, if there's things they do to make you distrust them, then you know not to risk your physical or emotional state for them. I'm not saying a wandering eye at the grocery store, but If a man continues to cruise for men online after entering a relationship, they're most likely going to cheat on you.

    Figure out what kind of behavior you can put up with. A hard lesson for me was realizing that once your faith in somebody disappears, its almost impossible to get it back. Second chances are nice and intentions may be pure, but sometimes its impossible for you to forget past transgressions.

    That being said, its completely worthwhile to allow yourself to trust people and stay open to allowing people to treat you well.


    Hmm... I would be more specific with that (what i bolded in your post). I mean, staring sexually at another man while in a relationship with me will make the trust vanish.

    Nice post though, I agree with many of the points you brought up.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Apr 07, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    Afraid to get in a LTR because he might cheat on you??? Take a step back for a second. You are dooming your outcome and worrying about "what if's" before you even get there. Spending time worrying about what a bf could or couldn't do, when you haven't met him yet, isn't the issue (and certainly isn't a productive use of your time).

    It seems like the real issues are:
    A) finding someone you can develop a relationship with that you can trust
    B) Taking measures to prevent getting an STD or HIV


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    Apr 07, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    part of any LTR is communication ( as well as Trust and communication)...

    communicate your concerns. someone who really wants to be with you isn't going to push you to do things you object to. it's a good gauge of them as a person. however, there is also an age thing going on. you are very young. the brain is still developing. later, people tend to think of consequences more, even if they ignore them. if you were 40, avoiding relationships because of a fear of STDs, I'd ask you the question "aren't you more afraid of not living your life while you are alive?"
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    Apr 07, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    try not to limit ur life based on the possibility of bad outsomes.

    "do i want to get a new car? ...it might get in anaccident. it could get scratched"

    well yeah thats part of haveing a car. becarefull with it. dont do soemthing stupid like drive drunk or park it next to someone who clearly cant park worth shit, but dont beafriad to drive it.

    ...if that helps at all. sorry im in the mood to go drive its a really nice day here
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 07, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    Dissonance saidI want to be in a LTR if i find the right one, but I'm afraid that he would cheat on me. It's a scary thought, partly because it could lead to me getting an STD.

    Just how prevalent are STD's in the gay community anyway? I don't really know as much as I should about the gay community. It seems like everyone here is HIV- , but is that a good representation of how it is?

    I just want to know how likely it is that I'll get an STD (as long as I'm not promiscuous). I mean, wouldn't a lot of people who do have an STD lie about it?
    dude, you can control other people. if you can't trust the person you are with than you should not get involved with someone. if you are going to be scared of being with someone because of fear of someone cheating than you should prepare to be by yourself for ever. that's like saying i am not leaving the house because i may die. dude, its the chance you take when you get involved in a relationship

    (sorry for these questions. I know it's not a pleasant topic.)

    dude, you can control other people. if you can't trust the person you are with than you should not get involved with someone. if you are going to be scared of being with someone because of fear of someone cheating than you should prepare to be by yourself for ever. that's like saying i am not leaving the house because i may die. dude, its the chance you take when you get involved in a relationship
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    Apr 07, 2011 4:07 PM GMT
    DOMINUS said
    Dissonance said
    DOMINUS saidIn my opinion a significant number of gay guys are chronic cheaters and liars. I'm not sure why that is, but it is what it is. I think it has to do with lack of self-discipline and self-respect. You cannot control what the other person does, and there can be no guaranty that your "partner" will have your welfare and protection as his paramount concern. Gay guys in general are selfish and self-absorbed, and it's likely that your "partner" will think of his desires first and foremost. With that in mind, you should carefully choose your partner. Similarly, you need to make sure that you protect yourself physically and emotionally.


    Why do you say that gay guys are self-absorbed cheaters? I don't think there's much of a difference between gay guys and straight guys. I mean, I am not like that, and I'm sure there are plenty like me.


    Give your self a couple more years and you will know the answer to your question. I'm not saying that ALL gay guys are chronic liars and cheaters, but a significant number of us are. I am neither a liar nor a cheater, just like you. But I have learned to accept the fact that many others are dissimilar. You seem like a well-grounded person, and I'm glad that you have the attitude that you have. Best of luck.


    DOMINUS, I respectfully suggest that you give yourself a few more years as well. Statistics on infidelity in straight marriages are startlingly high - I don't know why we expect that gay men would be better at it. I would say there are a significant number of PEOPLE who are chronic liars and cheaters. The flip side, of course, is that there are a significant number of people who aren't. If you're running across too many of the former, then you're looking in the wrong places or choosing badly.



  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Apr 07, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    Yea, they all make good points. If your put yourself into a hypothetical failure then you will find yourself in a failure. Life is about risk....I could slip in the shower and crack my skull open...but im not gonna walk around all stinky...so I use common sense and put down a bath mat. I could waste allot of emotional capital on a guy who is a cheater and liar and get hurt, but I dont want to drift through life in a series of hook ups and trysts, so I have to put myself out there and risk being hurt.

    Dominus is right in the sense that there is allot of narcissism out there...but I think it is most acute in the club culture and online culture. That is kind of a skewed view..because guys hanging out in the clubs or on _____.com are living in the NOW and probably not thinking long term anyway. Just remember all healthy relationship foundations are built on trust...and trust is eared over time. Falling into unconditional love with someone you just met is a set up for risk and disappointment. I found that when I take the time to really get to know someone, and how they tick, the trust bond will grow....but it does not happen in 2 hours or 2 days or 2 weeks.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 07, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    showme said
    DOMINUS, I respectfully suggest that you give yourself a few more years as well. Statistics on infidelity in straight marriages are startlingly high - I don't know why we expect that gay men would be better at it. I would say there are a significant number of PEOPLE who are chronic liars and cheaters. The flip side, of course, is that there are a significant number of people who aren't. If you're running across too many of the former, then you're looking in the wrong places or choosing badly.






    I agree....give yourself a little more time to become established and grounded in your own personal goals in life and then search for someone. icon_wink.gif
  • aaronkei

    Posts: 211

    Apr 07, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    You'll know when you can trust someone so get to know them and in my opinion you should be fine. If you live in fear you will never be able to give any guy a chance.
    I say let love take over and if they don't feel so compassionate for you you will be able to tell. That or I'm just weird because I have been cheated on and I knew the night he did it and it was a long distance relationship and he didn't tell till a week later. It is life honey and with life comes pain. It is enevitable but take what life throws at you and deal with because if you let life knock you on your ass your gonna have to fight 100 times harder to get back up. Take that advice and run with it suga!icon_smile.gif
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Apr 07, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    Self-Fulfilling Prophecy:

    The self-fulfilling prophecy is a statement that alters actions and therefore comes true. For example, a person stating “I’m probably going to have a lousy day,” might alter his actions so that such a prediction is fulfilled by his actions. This may be an unconscious gesture. A person who might espouse a self-fulfilling prophecy in a positive way “I’m going to have a great day,” might act in ways that will actually make this prediction true.

    The self-fulfilling prophecy actually predates its name. Early examples of the self-fulfilling prophecy are the Greek myths surrounding Oedipus. Oedipus fulfills the oracle’s prophecy that he will kill his father and marry his mother, by striving to avoid the prophecy. This can be called a self-fulfilling prophecy because it is Oedipus’ actions that make the prophecy true.

    Read. Discuss.

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 07, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    Dissonance said

    Just how prevalent are STD's in the gay community anyway? I don't really know as much as I should about the gay community. It seems like everyone here is HIV- , but is that a good representation of how it is?

    I just want to know how likely it is that I'll get an STD (as long as I'm not promiscuous). I mean, wouldn't a lot of people who do have an STD lie about it?

    (sorry for these questions. I know it's not a pleasant topic.)


    Disproportionally more.

    Probably not a good representation, given the health and fitness theme of the site.

    Not all STD's are permanent and most can be easily avoided if you avoid promiscuous behavior.

    You can tell if he'll cheat on you if you get to know him for a long time beforehand. If you're wanting to go from zero to married with a guy, the chance he's going to be unfaithful are higher.
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    Apr 07, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    OMG. What a bunch of negative guys. The whole notion of the gay community being a bunch of cheaters is, in my opinion, absurd. I think this is a perception left due to the ability of the gay community to break from 'traditon' and choose to be open about sexuality, unlike the puritan str8, and thus being labeled by those who have accepted that closed minded attitude about hiding the physical human side of who we are as being cheaters & unfaithful partners.

    Sure there are those who truly cheat in both communities but the openness of the gay community leaves a perception that enjoying.sex means cheating when cheating only occurs when both parties are not in agreement.

    If its safety you want then join a monastary. If you want a main stream perfect relationship, marry a woman & get divorced every 5 years. 50%+ divorce rate. Nothing.is perfect.

    In my opinion, if you want to ensure a lasting honest relationship then be open. Talk and listen. Be ready to change, compromise. Don't judge, don't expect perfection work for it. Don't.give your partner any reason to cheat. If he isn't getting what he wants/needs and he tries to tell you and you're not listening then you have communication issues & that will be the reason someone cheats on you. The least of your worries should be std's if you're talking.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:32 AM GMT
    Dissonance said-I want to be in a LTR if i find the right one, but I'm afraid that he would cheat on me. It's a scary thought, partly because it could lead to me getting an STD. As others have said, cheating is always going to be a lurking possibility. What you can do about is not worry. You are going to have to be able to comfortble enough in your own skin to be able to set boundaries about what you will and will not do and put up with. The best way to handle this is communication and know how to communicate your needs to the other person. And to be able to listen to the other person.

    Dissonance said-Just how prevalent are STD's in the gay community anyway? I don't really know as much as I should about the gay community. It seems like everyone here is HIV- , but is that a good representation of how it is? How prevalent STD's are is not really what you should be concerned about. Have the conversation every time. And when it comes to sex, arm yourself with knowledge. In this day and age,there is absolutely no excuse to not know. And when it comes to sex, insist on a condom. Frankly, if a guy won't use a condom or doesn't want me to use a condom, that tells me all I need to know. It ain't gonna happen. Is this realistic? It is in my world and at the end of the day, no one is responsible for me but me.

    Dissonance said-I just want to know how likely it is that I'll get an STD (as long as I'm not promiscuous). I mean, wouldn't a lot of people who do have an STD lie about it? Sure, people lie all the time about different things. The only sure fire way to know is to go to the clinic with the guy and be there when he gets his results so you can see them with him. Troublemsome, yes, but that is the only way you are going to know for sure.

    One last thing: I don't know if you are doing this, but STOP STRESSING ABOUT THIS! You'll make yourself sick and neurotic. Should you keep this in the back of your mind? Sure, but not at the forefront of your thoughts every waking moment. Be smart about this and protect yourself. You're gonna be just fine. :-)
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    That is just a risk you'll have to take and all you can do is hope that he doesn't cheat. There's no sure-fire way.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    Just remember to make your expectations clear. Alot of the time guys start dating and it's never clearly communicated that the relationship is "exclusive".

    Unless that's understood, someone is going to get their feelings hurt when someone else thinks its ok to get a little "strange" on the side.

    If it's understood, yet he still messes around on you, kick him to the curb and find someone who can be truthful to you. Or don't get into a relationship at all and just go and have fun.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidOMG. What a bunch of negative guys. The whole notion of the gay community being a bunch of cheaters is, in my opinion, absurd. I think this is a perception left due to the ability of the gay community to break from 'traditon' and choose to be open about sexuality, unlike the puritan str8, and thus being labeled by those who have accepted that closed minded attitude about hiding the physical human side of who we are as being cheaters & unfaithful partners.

    Sure there are those who truly cheat in both communities but the openness of the gay community leaves a perception that enjoying.sex means cheating when cheating only occurs when both parties are not in agreement.

    If its safety you want then join a monastary. If you want a main stream perfect relationship, marry a woman & get divorced every 5 years. 50%+ divorce rate. Nothing.is perfect.

    In my opinion, if you want to ensure a lasting honest relationship then be open. Talk and listen. Be ready to change, compromise. Don't judge, don't expect perfection work for it. Don't.give your partner any reason to cheat. If he isn't getting what he wants/needs and he tries to tell you and you're not listening then you have communication issues & that will be the reason someone cheats on you. The least of your worries should be std's if you're talking.


    wait how are we negative again? The fact that we are telling him to be safe about it so he REDUCES his chances of contracting STD's?

    I fail to see how I am negative by telling him to be safe.
    His question has no specific answer to it, he doesn't live with his partner 24/7.... he will need to trust his partner.

    So he has two clear choices.... to either trust his partner completely and bareback and accept the risk that is present or use condoms and stay as safe as he can.
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    Apr 08, 2011 2:00 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidOMG. What a bunch of negative guys. The whole notion of the gay community being a bunch of cheaters is, in my opinion, absurd. I think this is a perception left due to the ability of the gay community to break from 'traditon' and choose to be open about sexuality, unlike the puritan str8, and thus being labeled by those who have accepted that closed minded attitude about hiding the physical human side of who we are as being cheaters & unfaithful partners.

    Sure there are those who truly cheat in both communities but the openness of the gay community leaves a perception that enjoying.sex means cheating when cheating only occurs when both parties are not in agreement.

    If its safety you want then join a monastary. If you want a main stream perfect relationship, marry a woman & get divorced every 5 years. 50%+ divorce rate. Nothing.is perfect.

    In my opinion, if you want to ensure a lasting honest relationship then be open. Talk and listen. Be ready to change, compromise. Don't judge, don't expect perfection work for it. Don't.give your partner any reason to cheat. If he isn't getting what he wants/needs and he tries to tell you and you're not listening then you have communication issues & that will be the reason someone cheats on you. The least of your worries should be std's if you're talking.



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