Why do guys always stand me up?

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    Apr 08, 2011 10:49 AM GMT
    Its been another one of those nights where you await for someone new to meet u at the coffee shop only to realize 2 hours later that they no longer are answering your text messages and you have been stood up. Today was one of those days where I knew I felt I should get out of the house especially because of yesterdays fiasco, of my date arriving 3 hours late to dinner, that I had made for him, then giving me the excuse "I was getting ready".

    Well, since I'm feeling shitty I decided to get back on the horse. Not all guys can be dicks right? I went onto my Facebook and started chatting it up with a guy who I talk to alot. He is really nice very handsome and seems great, well he said he was on his way to white party and that he would like to stop over to meet me. I said sure that would be fantastic, then he gave me a time, I told him the coffee shop where and it was agreed. He signed off with a "can't wait to meet you cutie". I was feeling bummed as the guy who told me how much he liked me last night basically wanted nothing to do with me. Since I have never had a boyfriend I have this longing to have my actual first BF. I don't count anyone else as having a bf unless the person actually likes you, and we have decided to be exclusive to each other. As I've never met anyone who actually likes me, I haven't had the chance to progress it further and tell that person how I feel about them and hope it turns into a relationship. I sat in that coffee shop as time passed, waiting, texting, responding, wondering, trying to keep my head up from last nights blow to my ego. He didn't show, after 2 hours the place was closing and I walked to my car. He had stopped responding to my text messages. I went home only to see that he had "checked in" on his Facebook, and it has said he was with someone I knew, a friend of mine, at Starbucks. I had been blown off completely, and ditched for "something better". Last night, my date, someone who I had just recently met, but had hung out with a couple times, arrived 3 hours late. It was like he didn't even care. I wasn't a priority to him, and well I have the feeling he really didn't even wanna come over. I don't know why I think I am able to keep these guys interests. I am 6ft tall, workout, but I am no adonis. I don't know why in my head I feel like I am up to par with these guys. It's really hard to give yourself credit, or build a successful self image, when no one else wants to even date you.

    I constantly feel like something must be wrong with me that no one wants to get to know me, or even in some cases even meet me. I don't know what to do anymore, I am really sad..............
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    Apr 08, 2011 11:04 AM GMT
    We can speculate all day why they do this, but the bottom line, is they are rude and more than likely, not to bright. If they treat you like this in the date phase, imagine the 4-5 month stage. Hold your head high and move on man.
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    Apr 08, 2011 12:47 PM GMT
    Anyone who would stand you up is not worth the time or effort.
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    Apr 08, 2011 12:58 PM GMT
    The problem is definitely with THEM and not YOU! They are jerks, and clearly stupid since you're a handsome guy so I don't know why they wouldn't jump at the chance to date you.

    I suggest trying to meet guys offline - and don't even think about arranging dates until you have a good measure of their character.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16412

    Apr 08, 2011 1:02 PM GMT
    That's really ridiculous. I would agree, it isn't about you .. it really isn't.

    If a guy agrees to meet you.. I don't a damn what you look like and if he blows you off without any sort of excuse or reason, I'd absolutely scratch him off your list. For me it is about his word.. and following through.

    Add to the fact you ARE a cutie and I think they are just abolutely irresponsible. Put it on YOUR terms in the future. I'd tell them in advance you are looking forward to meeting them and that if they are late, "you will be happy to wait about 20 minutes" and to text you if they are going to be late. If they aren't there after 20 minutes.... leave and go on about your business.

    You will get some who will show up, but if they don't and don't contact you, they weren't worth meeting in the first place.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:18 PM GMT
    The lack of communication between guys is astounding. I seriously don't know how guys can't just be honest and upfront about how they feel. When I like someone, I tell them... then they know exactly how I feel. Being left in the dark is one of my biggest pet peeves.

    I don't know what to tell you. Something tells me that this second "date" was planned a little hastily and is somewhat of a desperate ploy to try and forget about the night before. I'm not calling you desperate at all, I'm just saying that you can't expect something that was planned the same day to go according to plan.

    It IS, however, the other guy's fault for agreeing with you and not communicating with you. And it's a complete slap in the face that he "checked in" with someone else at the same place. But according to your post, he was a friend of yours on facebook, but you've never met... So there's your problem right there. Facebook, like any other trashy hookup site, has those people that are sketchy and rude, and that's why I don't add anyone I personally don't know. It keeps fb out of the line of trashy sites.
  • spades

    Posts: 227

    Apr 08, 2011 1:39 PM GMT
    I would never stand you up man, you are way too cute, haha.

    It has happened to me a couple of times. With the few guys I rescheduled and actually met, I kinda wish I hadn't, because they were losers. So if a guy stands you up after an hour, leave. He is clearly not worth waiting for!
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    No offensive, but it sounds like you are putting too much emphasis and expecting too much from these guys. You sorta sound a little needy and whiny. Yes, it's fucked up that they stood you up and didn't communicate with you. That's a given. You are giving them power over the situation by letting it get to you. Fuck'em. They aren't worth your time if they can't man up and say "I'm not interested" instead of leading you on. You are better off without them.

    Go about your business and continue doing you. Stop chasing after these dudes that don't seem to be giving you the time of day. You need to have these dudes chase you after for a change. With that being said if so many of them are standing you up then it must be for a reason so it can't be entirely their fault. I'm just saying.

    I say be a little selfish and just worry about you and your wants. It's definitely your right. Concentrate on you and your happiness and don't entertain these lame dudes who seem to lack the man gene. you'll know when you have someone special because they will want your company and they will exceed your expectations beyond belief. Til then have fun being single. It's not a bad thing.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    Well you can never tell anything about a guy till you have actually met him in person. From my personal experience most guys appear sweet and nice till you know him only from online chatting, texting etc. Once you meet him then only you get to know the real him. So don't worry about those guys they aren't worth your time. Best way to meet guys is someplace where you can talk with him face to face. Like a club, or if you have any gay activities groups.

    Facebook is more or less like who has how many friends contest so don't take it personally. You are a cute good looking guy and deserve better.
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    Apr 08, 2011 1:43 PM GMT
    I feel for you. But you are trying TOO hard. Forget the guys. Just go out and have a good time doing something by yourself or with friends. Majority of dudes (especially the ones you meet online) are very flaky. You can't expect much from them.
  • ak77

    Posts: 8

    Apr 08, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    Mate, you are one very patient guy

    Don't waste your time worrying about them. They have probably made their choice based on a photo on a profile which took their fancy more than yours did at the time that they were horny.

    Unfortunately it's just human nature.

    Ultimately they probably got a quick hit of the hot guy in the profile and then never saw him again, and in the meantime have missed out on you.

    Sounds like you've had a lucky escape.......

    You seem like an extremely high quality catch (as far as I can see from a random profile that I know nothing about) and unfortunately you just have to roll with the punches.There are an amazing amount of dickheads out there that appear to have no manners, but that's life, gay or straight.

    I understand where you are coming from, having been through this myself, and the constant wondering "what's wrong with me?".

    I still occasionally wonder this, but really the only thing wrong with us is that we expect other people to live by the same moral code that we do.

    I would suggest in future that if any date doesn't text to explain their tardiness, within 15-30 mins, then move on, and don't waste time worrying about it

    They're probably a dickhead...............
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    Apr 08, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    Ok so listen it has nothing to do with you. These men are just cowards and liars. They make plans with you when in actuality they have other plans or have no intentions on meeting you at all. So when it comes down to it they either stop responding or just pretend like they're on their way instead of telling you the truth. In addition waiting for someone for over 30 minutes it's ridiculous. You are better than that and deserve respect. I have a 20 minute rule and stick to it no matter what. It makes me look like an ass sometimes but they are in the wrong for making me wait. My time is as much valuable as theirs.
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    Apr 08, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    I've driven myself crazy and back trying to figure out why some guys do what they do.. Still haven't figured it out and have stopped trying.. Every day is a new day and one day I'll meet someone worth sharing my life with.. That's just my opinion.
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    Apr 08, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    They're rude, inconsiderate idiots who were probably raised by wolves and do not deserve a second thought.

    And for the record, I would never stand you up. In fact, I would be wherever we planned to meet early just to make sure no one got to you first.

    Remember: Not a second thought; the problem is with them.
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    Apr 08, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidI feel for you. But you are trying TOO hard. Forget the guys. Just go out and have a good time doing something by yourself or with friends. Majority of dudes (especially the ones you meet online) are very flaky. You can't expect much from them.

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    Apr 08, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    AussieBody saidYou're a good guy, and you have an ideal in your head. It's not a bad thing, and don't shy away from how you feel.

    What I see here is that you are reliant on other's- their praise, love and affection... all natural feelings of emotional need. You don't need to change how your heart feels, however there is some change that is needed. Although hard, and particularly if you haven't dated or had a long term relationship, you have to put yourself in the right frame of mind.

    By this I mean, love yourself. Not just be happy with yourself and want others to see that, but completely love yourself, your life and all that goes with it. If you arrange a date- give the guy 10-15 minutes: if no reply DO NOT waste your time on him if he cannot give you the time of day to to man up and tell you he is not interested. Instead, do something for yourself that helps your mind- go for a run, a workout. Or hit the bars, meet people face to face for a drink , a dance and let loose.

    It is easy to put a LOT of thought into why people don't follow up on dates, or why they say one thing and do another- in the end, a lot of people are jerks plain and simple. And it happens a lot, which means a lot of people are jerks. Large cities have that going on. But, and a big sexy but, you are you. You gotta follow your own path, you make people interested in you, you don't have time for disingenuous men. You give guys a chance sure, but don't let yourself get walked over.

    Be proud, love yourself, and learn to lead with your head AND your heart. Leading with only one or the other will only lead to extremes which isn't desirable, for you.

    This is brilliant advice from a young man who appears to be far more mature than most his age.

    The internet is full of flakes and if you count on these fakes to provide you with ego affirmation you will have no self esteem left, as you have discovered. You have to first date yourself before you are ready to date someone else. Here is what you did wrong.

    1. Meeting at the cafe: Good idea and nothing wrong with that. However you should bring along a lap top or something to entertain yourself. Don't bother with the texting game. If you are ready to leave, LEAVE. Give a guy 15 minutes and then he should contact you as to why he is running late. If he doesn't by 30 minutes assume he is not coming and forget about him. If he shows up later and you still happen to be there than that make the best of the situation but be aware that he's a flake about time. Another plan is to text him to find out what is going on and if he keeps you much longer explain that you have other plans and get on with your day. In other words you should be finding a way to avoid a guy when it becomes clear they are being disrespectful.

    2. Dinner dates: NEVER with anyone who is not a trusted friend. Remember most of the guys are flakes so you are setting yourself up for disappointment by making a dinner date with someone you don't know very well.

    While you need to give everyone the benefit of the doubt you also have to be aware of why someone contacts you. First and foremost it is your photos. If they like you photos, great, but it says nothing about whether they will like you. The same happens in reverse. Just because a guy looks hot in a photo doesn't mean he is someone you want to spend time with. You have to play the detective and decide if he is worth getting to know.
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    Apr 08, 2011 4:27 PM GMT
    I wouldn't stand you up icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    mo23 saidI wouldn't stand you up icon_biggrin.gif

    Me either!! icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    Unfortunately, as you've witnessed, a lot of the gay world is like this. And once again, unfortunately, the losers greatly outweigh the winners in most occasions.

    When it boils down to it, they have to realize how valuable your time is. Sadly only a very select set of individuals actually respect that someone is waiting for them. And some people, as cold and heartless as they are, will actually "set up" dates without even having the slightest plan of showing up, just to entertain themselves with the fact that their leading someone on a wild goose chase. (I had some friends that did that) and I let into them about it many times too.

    If they can't manage to make it on time, then they don't respect your time. Think of it like a job. You're expected there within 5 minutes of your starting shift, the same for dates. Running late from traffic or unforeseen circumstance is normal, but as long as there's a call and follow-up it's fine. Everyone knows how long it will take for them to get off their ass and get ready to go out. If they show up an hour+ late and say they were getting ready then they're obviously not someone you want to give your time up for anyway.

    If they don't make it in an hour and don't have a decent reason then get up and go home. You are worth every second of your own time, and obviously they aren't worth any of it.

    Keep your head up, you'll find someone great...sometimes it is just a matter of sifting through the crap to find a keeper.
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:13 PM GMT
    15 minutes grace period is a good general rule. Otherwise, I expect a phone call/text/whatever just to let me know they're running late. As people already mentioned, your time is valuable.
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:26 PM GMT
    It happens to everyone. I'm surprised to hear you haven't had a BF yet.

    There's nothing wrong with you, but I'm going to second what some others are saying about expecting too much from guys online. You waited 2 hours for someone? I'm outta there if they don't show up after 15 minutes, if they don't even call to tell me there running late I don't expect too much else from them. You're better than waiting for someone to show up in a cafe until it closes. Don't do that to yourself.

    For some reason a lot of guys on these online dating sites are flaky or have something else going on with them. You shouldn't rely on the online dating realm to find a BF.

    Also, don't be too quick to jump back in the saddle. Two flake outs back to back can make you think there's something wrong with you, lower your self confidence and make it seem like all guys are complete jerks. Not true.

    You need to get offline and get out there because a lot of guys will be interested in someone like you. In fact, there is a guy out there somewhere looking for someone exactly like you and wondering if you exist. He's out there, you just need to meet each other halfway. It also seems like you're going after the wrong type of guy.

    There are a lot of quality guys in this world, do not rob yourself the opportunity of at least getting to meet them in a gym, club, organization or just out there. There is someone for everyone. You just need to know where to look because he's out there.

    And if you're still going the online dating route try out sites that have a higher caliber of guys who tend to not be as flaky and are more serious about dating such as match.com and connexion.org

    Hope that helps.
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    I did this very same thing for a far too long time. You are simply going after the wrong type of person. I used to get hung up on that one person who just seemed "perfect". Unfortunately a lot of people like to be treated like crap. They want the "dangerous" guy. If you are a "nice" guy, you are doomed with these types. They are not worth the time or effort. Just be yourself, stop looking so hard, and someone will find you. Someone who wants to be treated right. And from the looks of you and your profile, they will be lucky to find you.
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    I would actually like to read your communications with these guys, not to be nosey, but to point out where you subconsciously communicated desperation, needing, etc. Maybe these guys were happy just being friends and then you tried to make it more, they didn't know what to do at that point. I hate to say it, but if you're the comment denominator in all these situations then, its probably you (release your slings and arrows every bleeding heart out there who thinks I'm being an ass). Stop trying to make something happen, that isn't how it happens!! And for the love of Christ, stop meeting dudes online and falling I love with them before meeting them!! I mean, really? Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop equating attention for love, and don't come off so desperate.
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    Apr 08, 2011 5:45 PM GMT
    Common denominator, my bad, Damn predictive text
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    Apr 08, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac................

    It's the reason why people get bored of their steady reliable relationships and chase after assholes who treat them like shit.

    Don't fall into the trap and get that asshole out of your life, no one deserves to be stood up like that x