That terrible feeling of Isolation. (+ other issues)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    Okay..so I don't even know how I'm about to delve into all of this mess right now. But it has to be done. In the words of Richard Dreyfuss "You're going to ignore this problem....until it swims up, and BITES YOU IN THE ASS!"


    Anyway...what i'm trying to say. Since having been working with the most excellent therapist for the past couple of years, I have realized something. To simply be mindful of your life, of things. Its a simple concept but it has had far reaching influences on everything about me, I'm not kidding. My life was hell before I started working with him. I would probably be either dead/ in an institution/ or horribly cracked out on drugs by now if he had not helped me turn my situation around.
    Anyway, what i'm talking about is isolation. Everyone feels it. It usually starts in puberty. That's when mine started...bigtime. It was, infact, really kind of fucked up how I began to discover the different parts of my sexuality. I was raised Roman Catholic, military, ....everything like that. Plus I am kind of a neurotic person to begin with...by neurotic I just mean highly conscientious, anxious, perfectionistic. you get the idea. I always wanted to do things right, etc. etc. Be liked, etc. etc. It also doesn't help that I have some pre existing psychological/emotional imbalances that seem to run in my family. Namely depression and anxiety. Dealing with anything threatening seemed to set me off in a tail spin.
    What happened was. Around the age of 13 I began to sort of ....u know..choke the chicken. I dunno how. or why..but I started getting curious urges to see two guys together, and picturing it in my mind. I started to sneak looks at porno. The first couple of times I did it....I felt so amazingly curious excited, and just..I can't even explain the feelings (but I'm sure you all are familiar)..something I didn't quite get with seeing a woman. I also felt awfully horrid and full of guilt afterwards that I wanted to die. I mean it felt literally awful. That is the age that I had starte to develop OCD....and not a minor case....The thoughts of sexuality, even thinking about sexuality - scared the bejeesus out of me and I started to get horrible obsessions, which lasted for months at a time.
    I still think about it to this day - and part of me wants to wonder why it is that the idea or experience of two male energies excites me and fills me with the strange feelings that I have. I guess people would call that just attraction...butterflies...u know..that kind of jittery feeling that feels very exciting and almost thrilling, almost similar to a feeling of fear - except that you are not afraid. You are fascinated.....but it runs on the same current. Anyway..........part of me wonders if my strange attractions to the same sex (and I also have opposite sex attraction) has something to do with psychology. I often wonder if the idea of something being wrong , fascinates me....thrills me...the taboo of it.

    Of course this could be complete nonsense......"im just wired to dig guys and that's it"..........and it probably is. But I have always wondered about this. And I believe, like my therapist,....to not have fear of facing the things in life that make us uncomfortable. So here I am, facing this.

    Ever since I've had the recognition of these things......that are not "normal" I have felt Isolation. Its confusing because; here I am. I am a guy. Before I was just like all my guy friends (typical boy and guy behavior growing up...no barbie stuff, ever). But its like these hormones hit and something changed. Of course I am going to be 25 and understand that i have been dealing with this for quite some time....but it still manifests today. I think when you realize you are not completely heterosexual, infact to a large degree homosexual...it will always cause isolation, for the person who realizes it. And that's what this thread is really about. Its like, you realize...you take a look at your friends and start saying "i'm different" ..how do I relate to them now? Most of us carry on awkwardly trying to make sense of our situations, sometimes and oftentimes associating with the same people as we knew before. There is still this intense degree of seperation; isolation. Thus has been the story of my life from the age 13 on. Feeling like I still fit in with many of the guys out there..yet carrying this awkwardness which I keep to myself. I'm always trying to place it.


    Where do I belong?


    What does this mean for me, as a man?


    How do I relate to my straight counterparts?

    Do I go off on my own ...is this some calling from God (or nature) to be somehow deemed different for a higher purpose - to be an artist, leader, whatever..?

    Will I ever fit in, or feel that I fit in ever again; like I did before?




    These questions just hit me fellas....I figure its time I make sense of them. Before it swims up and bites me in the ass (again). If you guys out there have anything to say about this, please talk. ; ) Thank you.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2011 11:38 PM GMT
    Your deep-seated religious background is what's causing 100% of your troubles.
    That's the part your therapist is trying to avoid telling you, so there it is.
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    Apr 09, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    Thanks for your honesty, Paulflexes. I have always known that it gave me lots of trouble.

    I was reading something about "sexual imprinting" online the other day. Imprinting, is a psychological term ...which is pretty hard for me to describe. But it makes sense to me moreso than say the 'genetic theory' or anything else. Like my friend Matt said, people are gay for all sorts of reasons...
    Here is a link I was looking at that sort of explains what I am talking about...


    http://members.tripod.com/~unicorn_rg/imprint_hypothesis.html



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 09, 2011 10:46 PM GMT
    Sylas saidThanks for your honesty, Paulflexes. I have always known that it gave me lots of trouble.

    I was reading something about "sexual imprinting" online the other day. Imprinting, is a psychological term ...which is pretty hard for me to describe. But it makes sense to me moreso than say the 'genetic theory' or anything else. Like my friend Matt said, people are gay for all sorts of reasons...
    Here is a link I was looking at that sort of explains what I am talking about...


    http://members.tripod.com/~unicorn_rg/imprint_hypothesis.html



    That's a very intelligently thought out hypothesis, and worthy of research.
    However, even if it is true, it doesn't explain the emotional distress that you (and many others) endured.
    Rather than looking for a reason to be gay, it makes more sense to look for reasons to be/stay happy with yourself, regardless of what you're sexually attracted to.
    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 09, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Sylas saidThanks for your honesty, Paulflexes. I have always known that it gave me lots of trouble.

    I was reading something about "sexual imprinting" online the other day. Imprinting, is a psychological term ...which is pretty hard for me to describe. But it makes sense to me moreso than say the 'genetic theory' or anything else. Like my friend Matt said, people are gay for all sorts of reasons...
    Here is a link I was looking at that sort of explains what I am talking about...


    http://members.tripod.com/~unicorn_rg/imprint_hypothesis.html



    That's a very intelligently thought out hypothesis, and worthy of research.
    However, even if it is true, it doesn't explain the emotional distress that you (and many others) endured.
    Rather than looking for a reason to be gay, it makes more sense to look for reasons to be/stay happy with yourself, regardless of what you're sexually attracted to.
    icon_biggrin.gif


    what if your sexually attracted to cthulu?
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1981

    Apr 09, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    Is your therapist gay-positive/friendly? I think that's what you need the most now.
    All the stuff you're describing about figuring out you were gay is totally normal... we've all been through it!
    It would also help you to hang around some good guys who are gay.. like joining a gay sports team or book club or something.
    You seem really intelligent and accomplished (not to mention really handsome)... you should be proud of who you are and what you can contribute to the world!
    icon_biggrin.gif