Is it really that hard??? (small rant)

  • dantheman88

    Posts: 140

    Apr 09, 2011 6:36 AM GMT
    Hi guys, this is a small rant heh. Well im a 23 yr old closeted guy and Im finding it extremely hard to find a guy, let alone even go on a date with one.This is hard because I dont go to gay bars ...well .becuase.im not out, 98% of the guys i talk to here wont even respond to my emails because i dont have a pic. If I was in their position I would understand because no one likes to be secretive about anything, but really?..is there anyone out there who would give a guy like me a shot. Im not gonna be in the closet forever, its just not a right time for me to come for certain reasons. Im genuine, honest, masculine, caring, i have no malice, i have really good intentions , goodlooking (would be able to prove it if any answered my emails), intelligent, persuing my dreams, living some. Im just like everybody, I want to fall in love, i wanna connect with someone!!. By all means im not judging guys who wont date closeted men, cause that would be hard indeed. Anyways im almost done with my rant..lol..are there any masculine, cute , closeted guys in this site (preferably in toronto lol)?..Ive seen many opinionated people on this site..im sure ill be entertained by the feedback. lol
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    Apr 09, 2011 6:49 AM GMT
    Yes, it's a strike against you. If you're in the closet it will be harder for you to find a guy to date. If you're not out and around other gay men and you're trying not to be perceived as gay then the chances of you finding a date a limited to the "hookup sites." Generally, guys who are out don't want to be dragged back in the closet by their dates. Guys who are closeted will be guarded about making the first move and potentially out themselves and ask out another guy, and will have a hard time even knowing if another closeted guy is even interested in guys before they say anything.

    Here on RJ, guys with pics or guys who are verified will get more positive attention. You could do both and still stay closeted, if that's what you want to do. Take a pic and don't include your face or blur out your face. You might want to say a little more about yourself on your profile.

    It's your life, so live the way that will bring you happiness.
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    Apr 09, 2011 12:38 PM GMT
    Ermine saidYes, it's a strike against you. If you're in the closet it will be harder for you to find a guy to date. If you're not out and around other gay men and you're trying not to be perceived as gay then the chances of you finding a date a limited to the "hookup sites." Generally, guys who are out don't want to be dragged back in the closet by their dates. Guys who are closeted will be guarded about making the first move and potentially out themselves and ask out another guy, and will have a hard time even knowing if another closeted guy is even interested in guys before they say anything.

    Here on RJ, guys with pics or guys who are verified will get more positive attention. You could do both and still stay closeted, if that's what you want to do. Take a pic and don't include your face or blur out your face. You might want to say a little more about yourself on your profile.

    It's your life, so live the way that will bring you happiness.


    What he said. No matter how nice a guy you think you are, nobody wants to feel like the guy they are seeing is going to be scared that someone he knows might see you in public together. Nobody wants to feel like they are someone's dirty little secret to be kept hidden away from their friends, coworkers and family at all costs. If you want to date someone, you'd better find a guy in the same boat as you. The rest of them will most likely find it an affront to their self worth if you ask them to go back into the closet for you.
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    I find it easy to make friends.. I find it very hard to become a boyfriend though, it just doesnt seem to happen automatically
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:33 PM GMT
    Pato_Rico saidI find it easy to make friends.. I find it very hard to become a boyfriend though, it just doesnt seem to happen automatically


    patito! what are you talking about cupcake? icon_razz.gif
    aren't we together ? LOL J/K


    but seriously, if you are in the closet it will be tough for you so don't be surprised.

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    Apr 09, 2011 3:37 PM GMT


    Silly question but why not just put up a pic? Do you realise how big the internet is, and if by any small chance someone did recognize you, aren't they in the same gay boat?

    Seriously, I've chatted with guys on the net from the other side of the world that wouldn't even tell me what town they lived in for fear they might be exposed. Come on really.....
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:38 PM GMT
    This is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:42 PM GMT
    The first person I actually came out to was my first boyfriend- I was still very closeted when I started dating him. As I became more comfortable with him, it became easier for me to begin telling my friends, and they were all very supportive. Take your time coming out and don't do it until you are ready.

    As for meeting guys... that's really tough for me to answer. It's especially hard since you don't go out, and are closeted. Not impossible, though! Just try to meet as many people as you can at work or school- they don't have to all be gay, just guys to be friends with. Eventually you will come across a few gay men that you really connect with. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:45 PM GMT
    ATX611 saidThis is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.



    I was going to come to his defense but then saw he's in CANADA and in TORONTO, for heaven's sake.

    radicalguy, gay people and bi people in this country have 100% equal rights including the right to marry each other.

    -Doug
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    Apr 09, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    ATX611 saidThis is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.



    I was going to come to his defense but then saw he's in CANADA and in TORONTO, for heaven's sake.

    radicalguy, gay people and bi people in this country have 100% equal rights including the right to marry each other.

    -Doug


    Well yea, but what your family and friends think is most decisive for how you feel about it I think
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:06 PM GMT
    Pato_Rico said
    meninlove said
    ATX611 saidThis is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.



    I was going to come to his defense but then saw he's in CANADA and in TORONTO, for heaven's sake.

    radicalguy, gay people and bi people in this country have 100% equal rights including the right to marry each other.

    -Doug


    Well yea, but what your family and friends think is most decisive for how you feel about it I think


    To a certain extent, yes.

  • GMSatire

    Posts: 18

    Apr 09, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Pato_Rico said
    meninlove said
    ATX611 saidThis is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.



    I was going to come to his defense but then saw he's in CANADA and in TORONTO, for heaven's sake.

    radicalguy, gay people and bi people in this country have 100% equal rights including the right to marry each other.

    -Doug


    Well yea, but what your family and friends think is most decisive for how you feel about it I think


    To a certain extent, yes.



    To a very large extent for lots of people. maybe there religious
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:16 PM GMT

    lol, eventually it comes down to who will control your future and your future happiness and current well-being, your friends and family, or you?

    icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    Yeah, you're right. You should definitely live your life, shift you psychological and physical needs for others, pretend to be someone you aren't..... nothing bad has ever come from this. I think you should keep it inside, locked up, and a dark secret forever..... I mean hey we have paxil, zoloft, etc etc these days. I especially don't think its wrong to ask someone who has come out to be fine with dating someone who isn't, who doesn't want to take a step back in the closet? Who wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't fully realized or mature enough to admit who they are or honest with themselves. I know I can't wait to find a guy in the closet who I can never go out with, never feel fully comfortable around, and want to hide who i am. Good times
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    My suggestion...work on accepting yourself a little more. At least take some progress towards coming out. It's difficult to try and have a relationship but having to hide it.
    I wasn't out when I had my first bf. He was accepting of it at first, but there does come a time when you can't make the guy feel like shit being a dirty secret all because you don't want someone to find out.
    But best of luck to you!
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    It seems that the original posters desperate rant/act to put himself out there has backfired by pissing people off.

    I wont give you any sympathy dude. For one thing, fair enough if you choose not to disclose any pictures - BUT honestly, do expect people to engage in much conversation with you if you cant show your face? ALSO... private pice. The first/only guy i felt like I ever loved met me because I messaged him AND attached a private pic to the message, despite not having any on my profile.

    Its internet dating 101... show yourself, otherwise you are a blind date competing against some people that have a face and body.

    Also, just a tip... describing yourself using adjectives is not an efficient way of getting your personality across. Its far too easy to just write a list of attributes, and people wont believe you. Plus... just be funny, dude. If you make somebody laugh, that is initially more attractive than any adjective you write down. Its about SHOW, not TELL.
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    lol, eventually it comes down to who will control your future and your future happiness and current well-being, your friends and family, or you?

    icon_wink.gif


    I totally agree with this. It sometimes just takes some people longer to come to terms with this than others. Plus, he says in his original post, "its just not a right time for me to come [out] for certain reasons." Certain reasons... maybe he was offered a million dollars if he could find a bf while still in the closet? I would definitely stay in the closet if that was the case for me. It is impossible to know a person's situation unless you are that person icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:43 PM GMT
    I'm out, and comfortable with myself, etc. I dated a bodybuilder who was not ready to come out for 7 months. It started as a fling, just casual cuddling to keep each other company. We ended up falling in love, despite the fact that both of us knew it really wasn't a functional relationship.

    I got frustrated, naturally, with the fact that my boyfriend didn't want to be seen in public with me, or have me meet any of his friends/family. He did, however, want to meet all of mine. It was a one-way street that I myself chose to drive down, maybe out of lack of experience, maybe in search of adventure and something new. In the end, he moved away for work, and wanted me to go with him, but I chose to stay, and call it quits.

    I don't regret it, I still love him, I'm just not "in love" anymore. I told him countless times I have to love you, otherwise I'm crazy for having put myself through what I did. Crazy/in love, they're almost interchangeable at times I guess.

    Moral of the story? It's tough, you likely won't find someone willing to throw themselves back in the closet for you very easily, but it's possible. You shouldn't expect a LTR out of it, but expect to make a good friend.

    I just got back from TO, and had a blast. Had I known about you then, I would have loved to have met you. Sometimes all it takes is having a few friends who support you to give you that confidence and that little "push" that you need to come out and start living your life for you.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 09, 2011 4:44 PM GMT
    dude, i know where you are coming from. in this day and time people want to see who they are talking before trying to meet. however, there always guys who are willing to talk to you or meet up with you. that being said, there are far more guys who will not be up with you because you do not have a picture.
    listen, when you get more comfortable you will start sharing photos of yourself.
    if you want you can put it in your private photo window that way no one can see it unless you want them to see. why don't you try that
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    Apr 09, 2011 4:45 PM GMT
    There is no reason why you can't add a private pic and open it for someone you want to talk to upon first contact.
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    Apr 09, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    Pato_Rico said
    meninlove said
    ATX611 saidThis is a joke right? You can't be that delusional. Why date some chicken-shit who can't bring themselves to be who they are when there are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.



    I was going to come to his defense but then saw he's in CANADA and in TORONTO, for heaven's sake.

    radicalguy, gay people and bi people in this country have 100% equal rights including the right to marry each other.

    -Doug


    Well yea, but what your family and friends think is most decisive for how you feel about it I think


    I have to disagree, if you ever wanna be your own person and be respected, you should never let anyone including family keep you in check. It's time to grow up and have a big set of hairy balls dude.
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    Apr 09, 2011 5:50 PM GMT
    /looks down at crotch

    Yeah, it really is.
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    Apr 09, 2011 5:53 PM GMT
    My advice is go to a gay bar or go on a website like this and put yourself out there. Place some private pics on here and reach out to guys who pique your interest and open the private pics for them. Do that when you first contact them.

    I generally don't respond to someone who doesn't show me who they are when they contact me.

    Generally, the only people who go to gay bars are other gay guys. Don't worry about someone you know seeing you there, if they are there they are gay too!

    Look on line and find a club that looks like something you would enjoy and just go there. Quit worrying about what other people think. You will be amazed at how few people care who you are sleeping with.

    Live a little dude. I waited until I was 28. If we had the internet when I was growing up I would have come out at 17.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 09, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    ATX611 saidthere are millions of hot guys who are confident, secure, hot, and not a wimp.


    OMG.....Where Are They? icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 09, 2011 5:55 PM GMT
    KardioKing said/looks down at crotch

    Yeah, it really is.


    Ha..ha...ha!! You funny man with big hairy balls, you grown up!