How can I find friends/people that won't criticize, make fun of me

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    Apr 11, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    So this sounds kind of stupid, but it isn't really. Most people are just rude in the world. But I have many more problems in dealing with the guys, than I do the girls. I was never the type of guy to surround myself with girls as friends, I had always been too uncomfortable with my male friends calling me gay or making fun of me etc...because that is what "fags" did. But in the last year or so, I really don't give a fuck about other people anymore, and have really realized to the extent I am minimizing myself because of them..FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE.
    Now, I almost wished I would have. Because I have matured to a point that I should have matured to a long time ago. It is the realization that I want really nothing to do with most people out there.
    But so many years of social conditioning and habit have me seeking out the same groups of people that I did when I was younger, just to fit in. Its literally a habit from middle and high school that I'm still operating on. In other words - the straight, macho, mainstream normal as you can be so you have status guys, that heirarchical bullshit that just makes me sink into a puddle when I encounter it. And I don't know why I do it - it doesn't make me happy..I usually end up just feeling tense, constantly having to compete for status...just not relaxing to me at all. I mean I can do it. But i just don't seem to get the same kick out of it that other guys get...it does nothing for me. Because its all bullshit. I've had like this change in philosophy, which doesnt even have to do with sexuality in a way. its just about being and living real. and being with kind and real people who will treat with you with respect.

    I'm old enough that my values have changed to the point where I want to be accepted for me, whoever that is. I know this sounds like a simple question, but it isn't for me. Ive never really done it before. I see lots of guys who seem happy and have surrounded themselves with people who are kind and accepting ...they tend to be in little clicks. I wish I had a click. How do you build something like this for yourself?

    I feel so weak talking like this, about this. I feel like it shouldve happened a long time ago. I finally feel like I have the confidence and inner vision to start making some changes. And I didn't, for a long, long time.
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:30 PM GMT
    P.S. I've been through too much in my short life, which has built up and developed my character. That is another reason I find it hard to associate with shallow, status based people.

    Peace V
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    Hi Marlon Brando! How are ye? Just checking up on you. Go to Libraries/Bookstores, Aquariums, compliment someone's outfit or smile, be amicable, go too Zoos or the Botanical Gardens to meet the type of reliable dependable friends your looking for. Fake it till you make it! Energy flows where your attention goes, like attracts like!
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    LOL good. urself?
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:38 PM GMT
    Sylas saidHow can I find friends/people that won't criticize, make fun of me



    Sounds like you need a good fag hag. She'll never criticize you or make fun of you as long as you let her hang out with you all hours hours a day, always let her tag along when you go to the clubs and then pass out in your bed after the long night out, go shopping with you, spend all holidays with you, etc. Before you get yourself a fag hag, you had better make sure you have unlimited calling and text. Of course once you have a boyfriend, she will criticize and make fun of him.
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:40 PM GMT
    but I don't want a "fag hag" . whatever that means. I mean yeah sure - ive thought about having some nice female friends to chill with, who are more sensitive and what not. But fag hag brings up negative images in my mind.


    I'm definately not that stereotype. I do think about what it would be like to just have a female who I knew who would just respect me. I've never really had it before. But then, i've always been closed off before.
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:41 PM GMT
    Sylas saidHow can I find friends/people that won't criticize, make fun of me
    Would it hurt your feelings if I LOL'd after reading this? icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:43 PM GMT
    No Paul it would not. I almost want to just stop being a regular guy...cause I am sick of em. It would be like a big "fuck you" to the entire world. Its awsome. but how to do it. .
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:44 PM GMT
    Good friends are hard to find. It takes time, patience and a willingness to forgive. I've had 'ups and downs' with all of my closest friends. As with any relationship, effort is required. Rarely do these things happen out of thin air.

    And thinking that this is something that should have happened a long time ago is nothing more than a way to torment yourself.

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    Apr 11, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    Pursue activities and events that interest you, such as sports or maybe running, etc. You'll find people who like the same things as you, have similar interests, and you're bound to get along with someone. With time you'll develop a small group of good friends, there's your clique!
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2929

    Apr 11, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    Sylas, I dumped most of my middle-and high-school friends about the time I got my first real job. They seemed to me to be stuck in the ninth grade, and I had a lot of things I wanted to accomplish - so I moved on. I don't have tons of friends, but I have some very good ones, partly through having proved myself in my work, partly through networking.

    In the end, it comes down to you. You seem to have made a realization. Act on it.
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:51 PM GMT
    Sylas saidNo Paul it would not. I almost want to just stop being a regular guy...cause I am sick of em. It would be like a big "fuck you" to the entire world. Its awsome. but how to do it. .
    I remember being in that stage of life. I would give you further advice, but it seems like you're learning it on your own pretty well.

    PS. The word "regular" is subjective. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 11, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Sylas saidNo Paul it would not. I almost want to just stop being a regular guy...cause I am sick of em. It would be like a big "fuck you" to the entire world. Its awsome. but how to do it. .
    I remember being in that stage of life. I would give you further advice, but it seems like you're learning it on your own pretty well.

    PS. The word "regular" is subjective. icon_wink.gif



    Exactly. I feel like Jim morrison or something. ..
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 12, 2011 1:36 AM GMT
    bro its called maturity. we all go through it.
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    Apr 12, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    Thanks bro. ..... but i'm going to be 25!...shouldn't i have matured by then?
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    Apr 12, 2011 1:46 AM GMT
    I quit caring my freshman year of high school. I started hanging out with a group of girls and pretty much told the group of guys I had been friends with to f**k off. Although not out, even still, most of the guys thought I was gay and said stupid stuff to me all the time. Eventually I just said screw it and started hanging with the girls. By the way I don't talk to any of my "friends" the guys or the girls from high school anymore. I grew up and they are still the immature people from high school. As tuffguyndc said its called maturity
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    Apr 12, 2011 1:47 AM GMT
    guuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrlllllllllll you gotz to calm down. take a break. eat a cookie.

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    Apr 12, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    Just be your likable self!

    If people don't like you for being you, then they aren't worthy of your friendship and time and caring.

    You said you don't like the shallowness that permeates much of the gay community, which is understandable. Try going to a lecture, cinema showing, art exhibit, community volunteer project, or (if you are a person of faith) a GLBT-friendly church with caring individuals of all stripes.
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    Apr 12, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    Why did you start hanging out with a group of girls? I am not being stupid, I am really asking what things ran thru ur mind which went toward you going that route, or trying it?
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    Apr 12, 2011 2:00 AM GMT
    Sylas saidWhy did you start hanging out with a group of girls? I am not being stupid, I am really asking what things ran thru ur mind which went toward you going that route, or trying it?


    I started hanging out with them at first because I liked one of them. After she died I just stayed with them because by then the rumors had spread all over the place about me being gay. So why would I want to try and hang out with the guys that started the rumors.
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    Apr 12, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    if they want to criticize you then they arent worth your time or effort to be friends with them
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    Apr 12, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    its all about quality not quantity one good friend goes a long way more then a group of bitches... In order to make good quality friends you need to be of good quality if your a bitch and your tired of the bitches around you you have to change that bitchness. I know this... bitchy queens hang with bitchy queens chill people hang with chill people thats how it goes..
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    Apr 12, 2011 9:16 AM GMT
    Sylas saidLOL good. urself?


    I'm doing good too. Your experiences are simply an example of your expansion and growth as a person. There are many people whom I've met in my life who I initially thought were good for me and would eternally connect with, that I now realize those people are what I would call "toxic friends." You are constantly evolving, every cell, ever fiber of your being, every unique part of you. It is never too late to mature and never too late to turn it all around.

    I am very careful in the types of people I choose to hang around with, because to some extent the people you surround yourself with are reflections of parts of you. I'm assuming your not in College at the moment or else you wouldn't have these problems, because in that atmosphere you'd be somehwat forced into interacting with others. I hope you take some of the suggestions I listed in my first reply. However, randomly smiling at people, especially women will probably lead them to think that your trying to flirt with them instead of pursuing a platonic friendship.

    *******************************************************
    Do you still consider yourself Bisexual? Are you dating women currently? Also what about chilling with your past girlfriends or is that not an option?

    *******************************************************
    From reading your posts ::cough stalking your posts history cough:: You are clearly a man of character and depth and need to align yourself with individuals that will bring out the best qualities in you. But in order to do that it may be a trial and error process, which means you have to get through a few bad eggs in order to find the good ones.

    ******************************************************

    Try OKCUPID as well. The forums there are hilarious and have a lot of variety. A man of your intellect should have no problem meeting some women friends through that site.

    And I can't believe I'm going to suggest this, but even try Craigslist the Strictly Platonic section in your region.

    Expand your horizons, chin up chest out Brando, go to places you'd never normally go, take nature walks/hike, ride a bike etc., icon_wink.gif

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    Apr 12, 2011 9:54 AM GMT
    Why would you want to hang with people who are mean to you? Unless you attract man people. I mean, its a learning process for sure when making friends and finding you where you fit. And making a real good friend is tough. I can honestly my friend life started 3 years ago and let me tell you... when you're homeschooled and raised in a isolated, closed out upbringing... making a friend now is very difficult no matter how nice you are. You want to surround yourself with people who care about you first. They will be more friends to you know that someone who is full of themselves. You don't want a friend who is full of himself. You want someone you can have a good time with. You can't avoid mean people, they are everywhere. And making a click with people is difficult to do. But you do find your place where people are most accepting. I found that the crowd I hang with best goes out on Karaoke night to sing. I join and sing a song. There, people and I get a long cause we share our passion for music. =)

    Even then, I still don't know a lot of people, but you find your place and your place you are most happy. Don't try to be something you're not. I'm not saying you are anything in particular, but if you fit best with a certain group of guys, make friends with that certain group, sometimes one good friend is all you need. The more friends, the harder to maintain them all. =D Say happy and in good spirits.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 12, 2011 10:01 AM GMT
    OK time for my own tuppenceworth: -

    (do you American/Canadian men use the term "tuppenceworth"?)

    Right: this sounds to me more like a counselling matter. You say your friends take the mickey of you and you tend to still see them due to social conditioning. If you feel like the joking is too much and they are bordering on prejudice, then you have two options: -

    1) Ditch them. Join gay social groups, do outdoor activities or try to find more buddies on here: - in other words, widen your social circle.

    2) Ask them to quit and be quite assertive about it. If they say they are just joking, re-state your request and back it up with your feelings i.e. "I have a sense of humour, I don't find that what you are coming out with is funny and I am asking you to stop".

    It also sounds like you would benefit from discussing this with a counsellor as it does sound like you're a wee bit down and hung-up on this? Just a thought ...I had a few friendship issues some time ago and I benefitted from a counsellor.

    Best of luck!