Gym drama -- need some help

  • heymikey

    Posts: 24

    Apr 12, 2011 3:57 AM GMT
    Hello there. I think this is my first post. I've been a member for a few years now but I don't think I've ever posted before. Anyway, this post is part-venting and part-asking-for-advice.

    This might seem like a non-issue but I just can't help but feel horrible. I work out at this gym in the university I work at. There's this guy that I really like and we're usually at the gym at the same time. I have been checking him out discreetly (or so I thought) and he obviously noticed it. Then, I started noticing that he has been checking me out too and there were times where he seemed like he wanted to approach me. He seems to be in the closet and always works out with his buddies. Then one day during workout, I was in between repetitions so I decided to quickly check my phone for email or text. I was texting someone and was smiling quite a bit and shit, then after a few seconds I looked up and there he was looking right at me with that look on his face -- that look of pain and jealousy, which I can't forget. At first I couldn't understand what was up. I decided to look away so I could finish my rep. After finishing that last set, everytime I look at him, he would have this look of anxiety like he was going to puke. I've been going through that moment over and over again in my head for some explanation and the closest thing I could think of is that he thought I was texting a boyfriend, a fuck buddy on Grindr, or whatever. Unfortunately, that was the last time I saw of him and it's been a couple of weeks. I go to the gym at about the same time everyday just to see if he would show up and nothing. I didn't mean to scare him away and I honestly do not know what I did wrong. Granted that the semester is ending so he's probably busy with term papers, and final exams are coming up next week. But I've seen some of his buddies working out, but just not him. I just feel horrible that I fucking blew my chances. I just don't know what I did wrong (aside from not approaching him first). I just don't know what to do aside from move on with life.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 12, 2011 11:10 AM GMT
    Sounds like you're keen! Have you seen his mates at all - any chance you could approach them and ask where his mate is? Don't be afraid to try to strike up a conversation at some point - get him to "spot" you during weights (do you use the term "spotting" for getting assistance during weights at all?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2011 11:14 AM GMT
    That look like he's going to puke is a look of disgust that someone goes to the gym to stare at him.

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    Apr 12, 2011 11:25 AM GMT
    Speaking as someone who can fall in love three times a week, I hate to say this, but, its probably not about you...he's got 99.9 percent of his life with people who talk to him and interact. I can't believe he would have that kind of reaction over eye contact. Just keeping it real.
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Apr 12, 2011 11:44 AM GMT
    Uhh, I'm sure he's not so distraught over your smiling while texting that he actually stays away from the gym cause it's too painful to see you! And if he is (and he doesn't even know you) imagine how much maintenance he'll be if you ever DO get involved with him!

    If you ever see him at the gym again, GO UP TO HIM! Say something like "hey man, been a while, where have you been hiding out?"

    But don't take this personally.
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    Apr 12, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    Another way to take care of this so it doesn’t look like you’re interested in just one person is by being friendly and talking with everyone who wants to talk. You’ll quickly figure out who doesn’t want to talk, but most folks are real friendly.

    I changed gyms a couple of months ago and I didn’t much like it for a while I was figuring where everything is and meeting the regular members. I get an intense endorphin buzz while doing free weights and get happy and chatty. I chat with everyone, young, old, in between, and male and female. The location I generally go to is completely straight as far as I can tell (and at my age I’m pretty good at figuring it out) so there’s none of that ‘pick up’ tension, which makes it easier to meet people. I’m truly not there to ‘pick up’ and work out really intensely, but have a good time doing it. I haven’t run into anyone with attitude or that I don’t care to talk to. Given the business I’m in I’d better be happy and friendly.

    Even with all the social media means, and I use most of them, my business, commercial real estate is still a personal relationship business and I’ve met most of my clients through collector car, gun collecting, republican party events and the gym. I don’t flaunt what I do for a living, but over time everyone knows it. I spend at least two hours per day, every day, in the gym and I'm not going to waste it. Friendly and funny works.

    If you really want to meet this guy, befriend his friends, and why not, be friendly with everyone. You’ll be able to tell real quickly if you have a few folks there who don’t talk much while working out and respect their space. You’ll have a much better time during the considerable time that you spend working out, and you’ll likely meet a bunch of new people of all types, persuasions and maybe even orientations?
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    Apr 12, 2011 3:01 PM GMT
    Let me get this straight: your imaginary gym boyfriend got upset because you were imaginary flirting with someone else?

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  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 12, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    I wouldn't worry much about it. It probably has nothing to do with you or the incident.

    If you do see him, I'd strike up a conversation. If it was somehow connected with the incident you referenced, you'll find out pretty quickly.
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    Apr 12, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    if you scared him away that easily then you probably didn't have a chance anyway, so i dont think you blew your chances. in my experience guys like this always make you out to be creepy or w/e or keep acting flirty with you while talking about their girlfriend or what girls they like which is probably the most painful conversation ever when you like someone.
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    Apr 12, 2011 5:27 PM GMT
    You're young I assume and purdy so if I can meet people that easily at age 57, then you can do it. Just start interacting with other people and enjoy your time at the gym. They will come to you - or on you icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 12, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    From what I've read you 2 don't know eachother very well other than seeing the other at the gym.

    I would strike up a conversation "Oh, I remember seeing you at the gym." and see where it goes from there.

    I feel as though you may have dodged some serious issues with him because there's always the idea in the back of my head in this sort of situation: if he didn't show up anymore around the time I do because I was laughing at a text and he got hurt over it and didn't talk to me or ask if I was dating/ with someone, imagine how it would be with a real problem?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2011 7:16 PM GMT
    FearTheFall saidThat look like he's going to puke is a look of disgust that someone goes to the gym to stare at him.

    287571_745205.jpg


    Wrong way, PeachBud. The guy was cruising the OP.

    You need coffee, or something.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    I do have to agree with some of the above posters (although maybe in a somewhat nicer fashion :winkicon_smile.gif: my friend, I think you're living too much in this dude's head. You are mind-reading. And I say this as someone who has himself fought doing this for most of his life, so I'm not throwing stones, but you can't put so much on yourself - especially when most of what you're putting on yourself is made up from what you think he thinks. icon_eek.gif


    For what you could do next: sure, try to find him somewhere else and have that conversation. If any of what you thought before is true (he is in the closet or what have you), then set yourself up for success and do it when he is alone. As to what to actually talk about: keep it light! Don't ask him to explain the look you thought you saw, or start off with "I'm sorry" or "What's wrong?" but just say hi, talk, and see what happens. Otherwise, he'll feel like he is walking into a conversation already 1/2 way done and may confuse/scare him further.

    Worst case, a non-friend stays a non-friend. Don't let it get you down.
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    Apr 12, 2011 9:31 PM GMT
    FearTheFall saidThat look like he's going to puke is a look of disgust that someone goes to the gym to stare at him.

    287571_745205.jpg


    Riiiiight. Because men and women never hit on each other at the gym, and the response to such a move is obviously to express disgust and share puke looks. Bonus points, btw, for classifying seeing someone you think is hot as "staring at him." Maybe you could up the ante and refer to it as "recruitment". icon_rolleyes.gif
  • RJJB

    Posts: 34

    Apr 12, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    Maybe he was disgusted that you were using the gym equipment to yuk it up on your phone, when he wanted to use that equipment. Brings up another issue, which is when is it appropriate to be on the phone/email/text when you are between sets. My answer: unless your grandmother is in the hospital: never.

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    Apr 12, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    Um, i don't think you did anything wrong here. You were just yourself. If he couldn't handle it, that would be his problem. Maybe approach him the next time you see if there is a chance. Take the initiative. icon_smile.gif
  • unicoman1

    Posts: 822

    Apr 12, 2011 11:15 PM GMT
    sounds like your trying to compose a sex fantasy that can go on those websites. nice job!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2011 11:16 PM GMT
    Heymikey,

    You need to stop obsessing. People in gyms get the strangest expressions from exertion, exhaustion, boredom, and general awkwardness of seeing the same people day after day. It does not mean anything.

    Stop paying attention to other people's schedules. Work out and leave.

    Now if the same guy shows up at the gay bar one night go up to him and start a friendly conversation.

    For that matter if you see him anywhere else you should say hey. Don't pick up people at the gym, it is bad form. It is shitting where you eat.

    Ok? I may sound stern, it is only because I have been where you are a long time ago and I can tell you that you can drive yourself insane guessing.

    They are still trying to find who killed JFK for god's sake.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 12, 2011 11:17 PM GMT
    Approach him the next time you see him and ask where he has been these days or ask his friends in a very easy breezy way. Trust your instincts but keep in mind some men in the gym are very nosy and he may be acting that way out of curiosity.
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    Apr 12, 2011 11:25 PM GMT
    muscletroy saidHeymikey,

    You need to stop obsessing. People in gyms get the strangest expressions from exertion, exhaustion, boredom, and general awkwardness of seeing the same people day after day. It does not mean anything.

    Stop paying attention to other people's schedules. Work out and leave.

    Now if the same guy shows up at the gay bar one night go up to him and start a friendly conversation.

    For that matter if you see him anywhere else you should say hey. Don't pick up people at the gym, it is bad form. It is shitting where you eat.

    Ok? I may sound stern, it is only because I have been where you are a long time ago and I can tell you that you can drive yourself insane guessing.

    They are still trying to find who killed JFK for god's sake.



    This one, circle gets the square
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Apr 12, 2011 11:26 PM GMT
    hmmm, you might want to talk to him or something. approching him would probibly help him out. plus it seems like he mabey going through a depression, which would be bad because that can lead to suicide, not that im trying to scare anyone or anything.
  • heymikey

    Posts: 24

    Apr 14, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    Thanks guys for the brutal honesty. That's exactly what I needed. I do admit that I tend to overthink things so a part of me thinks I got carried away. Thanks again for providing me with that perspective.
    Besides, I just turned 30 a few weeks ago and he seems to be either 20-22 so probably too young for me anyway relationship-wise. I have now admitted to myself that I may never see him again and I think I'll be OK with that. Oh well....