Open Relationship? New At this and need advice for my husband and my boyfriend

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    Apr 12, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    Advice for a secondary Partner

    Hello

    I am in a gay marriage for nearly 4 years (together for 6) my partner and I have very recently decided to try an open relationship. This is mainly because we have been having difficulty relating to each other and I have fallen in love with another man. We never cheated, but I knew that my connection to this other man (Call Him D) would cloud my judgment on whether I could work things through with my husband or not. I feel like I’m in love with D, but I have not known him very long. We have an amazingly spiritual connection, we understand each other’s passions, and we have similar tastes, personalities and interests. Theses are all things that have been lacking with my husband for many years if not throughout our entire marriage.

    If I was not able to pursue this relationship with D, I knew I would likely make a rash decision and leave my husband. I offered to move out of the apartment and get a place of my own to see where I needed to be without it being in my husband’s face but he insisted that leaving would hurt him more than letting me be with another man. He then agreed to an open relationship so that I could have a secondary relationship with D. In addition to D, This sort of thing has happened to me before. I often find myself getting bored in a relationship and looking for a different kind of person. I have been in long term relationships for most of my life but none of them seem to last more than 5 years for this reason. I am also an actor, Dramatic, emotional and travel often for long periods of time. So, this decision is not only about D.

    I have gone through a lot of emotional and mental changes in the last 2 years. I have been in therapy and gone from being very negative and insecure to quite confident and proactive. My husband on the other hand has dealt with depression and eating disorders in the last 2 years. When I met him I was a very different person. I attempted to give up everything I was passionate about in an attempt to live a “stable” lifestyle. Now I often wonder if I chose my husband because he was safe and dependable. I love him. He’s very good to me but he doesn’t really get me. He is often judgmental of my personality and habits. D is fun and passionate and our personalities are similar, but he’s very young, and unstable. These two men make a perfect combination. I find myself putting less pressure on my husband to be everything for me, and we get along better. I enjoy my time with my Boyfriend without letting myself worry that I will uproot my entire life to be with him or he needs to be financial and mentally capable of handling what someone 10 years older than him is ready for.

    We are all struggling to adjust to this new lifestyle and there is some confusion and hurt on all ends. My husband and I start couples therapy next week and I am still in individual therapy. My boyfriend is struggling with the idea of this being an arrangement that will last forever. He thinks he may need me to make a choice between the two of them at some point. His concern is more about things feeling scheduled or planned rather than just being able to be spontaneous. He is very open minded and ok with the situation but feels like he is a kept secret and that the situation makes life planned and calculated. I have asked him to give me 6 months to see where things are with therapy, adjusting to our new lifestyle and getting to know each other better. I love him and don’t want him to be constantly struggling with our relationship. If anyone can give me some advice for him about how to adjust to this I would greatly appreciate it.

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    Apr 12, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    This is not an open relationship. It's polygamy, because you want to be in love with — and have relationships with — two men, rather than just sex with other guys. And it's going to be VERY difficult to make work. My advice is that you sound like you have a big mess to clean up and you need to simplify your life. That means one partner. Tough pill to swallow for you, but time to suck it up. This doesn't sound like a mutual arrangement — it sounds like you falling for another guy and not wanting to give up either.

    And if you're looking for advice for your husband, my advice is for him to dump you. To be blunt. And the same advice for other man in your life.



  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 12, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    I can only see all 3 of you getting hurt....but then I've never had more than one guy at a time, so I guess I can't really give advice. icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 12, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    malefeet saidI can only see all 3 of you getting hurt....but then I've never had more than one guy at a time, so I guess I can't really give advice. icon_confused.gif



    Bottom line: It has to be mutual. Not semi-mutual, not accepting. Mutual. It doesn't sound like the OP's situation is anything close to mutual.

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    Apr 12, 2011 3:06 PM GMT
    open relationships tend to turn into very predictable thread wars on this board from what i can see. so that even the people who might have experience you are asking for advice on, won't speak up because this board skews pretty young demographically. i'd think you might find more informed advice on a polyamory forum.

    i can't speak to your situation otherwise. it would not work for me.
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    BambinoRex saidopen relationships tend to turn into very predictable thread wars on this board from what i can see. so that even the people who might have experience you are asking for advice on, won't speak up because this board skews pretty young demographically. i'd think you might find more informed advice on a polyamory forum.

    i can't speak to your situation otherwise. it would not work for me.



    It wouldn't work for us, either. Look up a polyamory site like BambinoRex suggests and ask there.


    -Doug
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:47 AM GMT
    Please keep us posted when this turns into a shit storm and blows up in your face, not trying to be mean, but this has all the beginnings of a major wreck.
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:53 AM GMT
    seth_petruzelli4.jpg
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:54 AM GMT
    This is what makes Gay men in general look so bad to America.
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    you aren't mature enough to be into a relationship so you need to break up your connections completely and make up your mind first.

    If you had any sense of maturity, you should have known before you got married that there are many sacrifices you need to make.

    When you got married, did you and your partner agree to a polygamous relationship?

    Yes or No?

    If you did not agree to a polygamous relationship at your time of marriage then it is all your fault and you should get what you deserve.
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    Apr 13, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    lol It's polyAMORY. Polygamy means more than one female partner.

    Polygyny is one woman with more than one male partner.

    Ok I'll shut up now.


    *EDIT*
    (lol, see my next post where I apologize and am glad I shut up)


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    Apr 13, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    Open Relationship? New At this and need advice for my husband and my boyfriend

    I presume the term "husband" is being used in a more general sense, and you're not in a legally-recognized marriage or civil union? Because if you are joined in law, as 2 of my gay friends here in Florida are (having another residence in New Hampshire where a true marriage took place), then you have to dissolve that first, just like a straight couple would.

    And I note you're already calling this new guy your boyfriend. That must make your husband/partner feel pretty lousy. Seems like you're deluding yourself about this being a mutual decision on his & your part. You're driving this train all by yourself, with the others along for the ride.

    I went with a NYC actor myself for 2 years, and I could list some stereotypical behaviors you both have. And you yourself say this has happened to you before. Doesn't surprise me.

    With your admitted track record for mistakes you really have to ask yourself if these current feelings you've developed for this new guy are genuine and will be lasting. Or if the pattern will repeat itself once again in a few years. I suspect "D" fears the same thing from you.

    Be interesting to hear what the couples therapy suggests (I trust they're gay-experienced). I would lean to a clean break with your partner, and not just because of "D" but also because it doesn't seem like a happy or sustainable relationship as it is after 6 years. But maybe therapy will correct that. In the meantime I can't endorse your "secondary partner" solution, which seems more selfish and one-sided on your part than also being in the best interests of the other 2.
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    Apr 13, 2011 2:34 AM GMT
    lol "secondary partner" i love it
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 13, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    I hope your bed accomodates all three of you...
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Apr 13, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    Regardless of what Husband says, having D over will hurt him. This should be obvious to you. Imagine how you would feel. If you wouldn't be hurt, then you probably don't really love Husband. If it doesn't bother you that you would hurt Husband, then a) you also don't love husband and b) you really suck.
    Like somebody else said, you should have known all this BEFORE forming a Husband relationship. It is not a lighthearted commitment to be thrown to the wind whenever you feel the urge. Your mere interest in D means something is missing.
    In marriage, you get an F. I feel for husband, but then, you probably demonstrated something that would have forecast this to him. We all see what we want to see too often.
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    Apr 13, 2011 2:57 AM GMT
    selfish.
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    Apr 13, 2011 3:00 AM GMT
    This is going to come across as highly critical but you asked:

    You sound selfish, capricious and callous to me. Your partner has been sucked into something which will be increasingly hurtful to him. Out of respect to him, you need to let him down easy, and leave. Whatever you do with D remains to be seen. It sounds like, soon enough, you'll be off looking for someone else.

    If you ended the therapy, I'd suggest that you start again and try to determine why you're always looking for greener grass. Seems like you'd have figured it out by now. If not, you're not finished with your own process of self-discovery.

    Good luck to you --
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    Apr 13, 2011 3:14 AM GMT
    nycsinger2000 said If anyone can give me some advice for him about how to adjust to this I would greatly appreciate it.



    Tell him that you are okay with him going out and meeting other guys. Tell him to have safe sex with everyone including yourself.
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    Apr 13, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    meninlove said lol It's polyAMORY. Polygamy means more than one female partner.

    Polygyny is one woman with more than one male partner.

    Ok I'll shut up now.




    and it's a good thing I did! A very nice man on RJ reminded me about their meainings, polygamy polygyny and polyandry, so...

    Apologies to _Mohammed_

    *Bows politely*

    -Doug icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 13, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    nycsinger2000 saidAdvice for a secondary Partner

    Hello

    I am in a gay marriage for nearly 4 years (together for 6) my partner and I have very recently decided to try an open relationship. This is mainly because we have been having difficulty relating to each other and I have fallen in love with another man.


    I stopped here - and have the same thoughts as others who have responded. It's clear your husband's interests aren't your number 1 priority and that this 'decision' to open the relationship was instigated by you. He probably loves you and is being forced into it. Yep, I can tell this from your first few lines.

    You need help, and I don't mean that negatively. Get some decent counselling and try to work through this - you are on very dangerous ground.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 13, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    ok here is what i think. i think you need to get a separation. i think it is unfair of you to try and have a relationship with two guys. one who you are clearly in love with the other you just love (your husband). its obvious that neither really wants to share you so i think you should either get a separation or a divorce.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Apr 13, 2011 3:30 AM GMT
    Both guys should leave you.

    You suck. Your "husband" is ur husband, why are u introducing another person into the relationship? Sounds like the only reason he's letting you do this is so he can still be with u. Sucks for him, because being with u sounds like a nightmare.

    U even admited it urself, u only last about 5 years in a relationship. Just end it with ur husband already, do him that favor. As for the young new boyfriend....lol dont be surprised when the same shit happens to u.

    Karma
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    Apr 13, 2011 3:57 AM GMT
    I think you need to grow a personality and a set of balls.

    Life isn't easy and you can't always have what you want. You made the decision to be with your so called husband. YOu need to own up, grow a pair and fucking take ownership. Either a) tell your "husband" that you're done with him and stop stringing him along or b) tell the boyfriend to get lost.

    It is so unfair for the guy that loves you and that knows you better. How dare you? Really? If any of my close friends did this it would be a swift asskicking as a remind why the fuck they fell in love with their husbands in teh first place.

    You need to revisit why it is you fell in love with the man you call your husband and do it quickly. Either that's not good enough for you anymore or you're just an asshole and you want your cake and eat it to. There's no middle road greedy Mc greedy. Grow a fucking pair already.
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    Apr 13, 2011 4:13 AM GMT
    collegegraddude saidThis is what makes Gay men in general look so bad to America.


    ??? Is that because all of Americans have monogamous relationships where they never fall out of love or cheat or have affairs or lovers on the side??? Please buddy, get out from under the rock and see the world the way it is and always has been.... sheesh!
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    Apr 13, 2011 4:24 AM GMT
    Good grief you need a curtain callicon_eek.gif If you decide to commit to a person... DO IT AND STOP THE BULLSHIT! Ppl get bored daily, big freaking deal. It's sad to think this guy which I'm sure has a list of faults himself (we all do) would allow you to stray because it would hurt to much and you, as selfish as you are, instead of honoring your commitment, decide he isn't worth much so you go rt ahead and do it......icon_rolleyes.gif What an ASSHAT U ARE