My Girl is dating a closeted gay guy...

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  Apr 12, 2011 6:37 PM GMT

  I usually don't get involved in other peoples relationship. But in this case i'm confused on what I should do since he is straight up lying to her about his sexuality.She's my best friend. I don't have 100% proof but my gaydar is on point. I get the vibe from him and when we talk the eye contact is a lil weird and when he feels like he's forgeting his role he starts being extra affectionate with her. What should I do?? What would you do??

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  Apr 12, 2011 6:40 PM GMT

  You know the part where you said "I hate getting involved"...well... then stop while you can. Don't get involved and let her figure out for herself if you believe he truly is gay.
  
  Eye contacts mean close to nothing in today's society. Everything is mixed together especially with verbal identity being the new "This is who I am"...
  
  If he says he is straight he is... sexuality is one thing you should NEVER point fingers on because it is not obvious.
  
  Maybe you want to believe he is gay... so your mind is making it seem as though he is gay and trying to focus on things that can pass him off as gay.
  
  
  Stop worrying about it.

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  Apr 12, 2011 6:50 PM GMT

  It's not just the eye contact it's the whole package. What's got me confused more then anything is that I'm her best friend and if I know something shouldn't I tell her. It just feels so weird around them cause I feel like I'm helping him lie.

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  Apr 12, 2011 7:14 PM GMT

  Without actual proof, like seeing him with another guy, you really shouldn't tell your friend that the guy is gay. Even if you did see him with another guy in the past, the guy may be bi and could genuinely be interested in your friend.
  
  If the guy is acting shady, you could tell your friend that the guy doesn't seem to be honest with her. If you can't be around him, you could tell your friend that you care for her and want the best for her, but you'd rather not be around the guy. You don't want to have to make her pick you or the other guy. That never ends well.

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  Apr 12, 2011 7:15 PM GMT

  Its really not your business to say....You could make a comment under a passing joke but unless you have solid evidence , keep silent for the time being.
  
  

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  Apr 12, 2011 7:21 PM GMT

  If you depend on your 'gaydar' it may very well cost you your best girl. If you make a move on the guy to 'out' him she'll be within her rights to drop you entirely as well.
  
  The only time you should say something is if you catch him making out with a guy. Even saying something at that point without proof could cost you her friendship.
  
  Best advice: stay out of it unless she directly comes to you for help.
  
  -Doug
  
  

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• Webster666
  
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  Apr 12, 2011 8:08 PM GMT

  I would mind my own business.
  Otherwise, you'll most likely lose her as a friend.
  

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• SwimBIkeRun94...
  
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  Apr 12, 2011 8:12 PM GMT

  I mean, unless he asks you (or somebody else) to plow his tight hole, you don't know for certain.
  
  

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  Apr 12, 2011 9:22 PM GMT

  you can't have him dear... stop trying to read more into things.

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  Apr 12, 2011 9:23 PM GMT

  Ermine saidWithout actual proof, like seeing him with another guy, you really shouldn't tell your friend that the guy is gay. Even if you did see him with another guy in the past, the guy may be bi and could genuinely be interested in your friend.
  
  If the guy is acting shady, you could tell your friend that the guy doesn't seem to be honest with her. If you can't be around him, you could tell your friend that you care for her and want the best for her, but you'd rather not be around the guy. You don't want to have to make her pick you or the other guy. That never ends well.

  
  This. So much this.

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  Apr 12, 2011 9:33 PM GMT

  lilTanker saidyou can't have him dear... stop trying to read more into things.

  
  
  
  Lmao no that's not the case here. I'm just a concerned friend. But everyones right at the end of the day it's none of my business cause the last thing I want is to lose her. I guess I'll just have to bite my tongue real hard not to say anything.

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• charlieviiper...
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 7:01 AM GMT

  You should let her know.
  
  If you don't do anything, and she gets fucked over/crushed somehow, you're gonna feel so bad.
  
  And if it ends up that he's straight, well at least you told her your opinion.

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  Apr 13, 2011 7:25 AM GMT

  Stay out and dont' ever consider putting yourself in again. Just ridiculous. The reality is, you don't know if he's gay. And even if he was, he's clearly enjoying his time with your friend, which probably means he's bi. Nothing wrong with that. If they have a healthy relationship, then just leave it alone and don't question it.
  
  How many more times are we going to see a "I know this guy my female friend is seeing is gay and I'm not sure if I should tell" thread on this board? Learn your lessons people and butt the hell out. If the guy is gay, and she gets hurt, then that's between the two of them. Why does it seem like so many (not all) gay men feel like its' their business to expose every one else's business?? It's like THE ultimate gossip topic that many gay men just can't resist.

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• TheAlchemixt
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 7:34 AM GMT

  If that is you best friend I don't see what the problem with giving your opinion might be. You could be wrong but I don't see why your friend would get so upset.
  
  What's wrong with saying "Hey (name), I don't want you to get upset and I might also be totally wrong but I have a feeling that your boyfriend might be gay. I just wanted to let you know but like I said I could be wrong."
  
  That doesn't sound mean at all... your just giving your opinion. If your Best friend can't accept your opinion than what in the hell kind of best friend is that? I can talk to my best friends about ANYTHING!

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  Apr 13, 2011 7:39 AM GMT

  newbie26 saidI usually don't get involved in other peoples relationship. But in this case i'm confused on what I should do since he is straight up lying to her about his sexuality.She's my best friend. I don't have 100% proof but my gaydar is on point. I get the vibe from him and when we talk the eye contact is a lil weird and when he feels like he's forgeting his role he starts being extra affectionate with her. What should I do?? What would you do??

  
  
  So let's get this straight (LOL). You aren't 100% sure meaning you have no proof he's gay but you say your gaydar is on point? Do you hear how that sounds? Also no one's gaydar is in on point so you'll have to do better then rely on a myth. On top of that, you say you don't usually get involved in other people's relationships. Seems a bit out of character from what you are doing now wouldn't you say? With a comment like that you should continue not getting involved to avoid a horrible gay stereotype especially since you can't even prove it and only have a fleeting vibe to go off of. That would help prevent you from being confused on something that doesn't concern you and also prevent you from looking like a complete jackass.
  
  Unless you have concrete evidence and a sure fire way to prove that your best friend's BF is gay (or possibly bi) then you should mind your own business. You have nothing other then a mere vibe to go off of and I'd like to see how you show your best friend a vibe when you go to plead your case with no hard evidence to support this vibe. You will look stupid and look like a hater and possibly ruin the friendship. Again, unless you can show your best friend and easily prove without a shadow of a doubt that her BF is gay then you should continue "usually not getting involved in other people's relationships". Plus how dare you out someone like that. That's fucking tacky. At least grow a pair and confront the dude with your suspicion and get your fact straight (there it is again) before attempting to put him on blast (with no evidence I might add).

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  Apr 13, 2011 12:20 PM GMT

  Mixleanmachine saidIf that is you best friend I don't see what the problem with giving your opinion might be. You could be wrong but I don't see why your friend would get so upset.
  
  What's wrong with saying "Hey (name), I don't want you to get upset and I might also be totally wrong but I have a feeling that your boyfriend might be gay. I just wanted to let you know but like I said I could be wrong."
  
  That doesn't sound mean at all... your just giving your opinion. If your Best friend can't accept your opinion than what in the hell kind of best friend is that? I can talk to my best friends about ANYTHING!

  
  
  Your completely right.. After reading some of these other responses it made me think like damn so most of these guys would just sit back and say nothing. As long as I approach this Issue with her from a caring place I don't see the problem. it's not like she hasn't shared her feelings with me about the guys I've dated. Sure I might not have proof I'm totally going by my gut feelings on this one and I'll totally tell her that. if he's bi that's still not a reason to lie about who you are. I don't see it as outing someone I see it as just sharing my concern with a friend. So thanks Mixleanmachine for letting me realize that.
  
  Ps I don't care how many times a thread like this has been made. I don't go posting " omg how many threads do they have to have on rate the guy above you, would u fuck the guy above you, is the guy above you photogenic" let live geez.

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• HndsmKansan
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 12:30 PM GMT

  I'd keep your opinions to yourself. If she confides to you that she has suspicions, they tell her your views. I wouldn't go out of your way to wreck something based on "gaydar" evidence at this point in time.

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• Serch85
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 12:45 PM GMT

  Is OK that u r concerned about your best friend... but always remember that when it comes to couples... a third person's opinion is not so much appreciated, no matter how close you 2 are... think on what could happen...
  
  Scenario #1: As u think, he's gay, your friend breaks up with him and thanks u for it... you're a hero...
  
  Scenario #2: It turns out he's not gay... then they're gonna have a fight... but they don't break up... for sure you will end up as the nosy guy who tried to get into a relationship... he, she or both gets to hate u, and u will loose a lot of points with ur friend...
  
  Scenario #3: he's not gay and he gets pissed off about u getting in between him and the girl, u could get your ass kicked by the guy or he could think that u r into him... either of those will make your friend not able to spend so much time with u because then u wont be able to hang out with the guy...
  
  Scenario #4: They get to think it's a twisted joke from you, this one might not end up so bad...
  
  Scenario #5: He's not gay... but still they break up... you'll be held responsible for breaking them up...
  
  I can keep going like this for hours... I'm not saying don't do it... I'm just saying BE COMPLETELY SURE that he is gay or bi or whatever... because it's quite a delicate thing to talk about... and there are a lot possible negative result with it... If u have proves about what u think is true... go for it... because is your friend and u should protect her... but if u r not 100% sure about it... keep your thoughts to yourself...

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  Apr 13, 2011 12:49 PM GMT

  newbie26 saidWhat should I do?? What would you do??

  
  Ignore it, leave it alone, say nothing. You mention your gaydar, but I'll go out on a limb here and give you another gay stereotype I find a trademark of many gay men: they meddle in things that don't concern them, especially other people's personal business about which they weren't invited to comment. And based on rather dubious evidence in this case.
  
  She being your best friend is not justification for you to stir up trouble. And beware of your own motivations, if deep down inside you're not a bit resentful & jealous that she's spending time with him that you'd rather have go to you. Your thread title of "My girl is dating..." is very revealing. In fact, at first I wondered if you meant your daughter, not knowing your age, or if you're a Lesbian coming here for advice.
  
  And what happens if "your girl" does move on to another guy? Are you going to screen him for her, too, and find some different flaw in him to tell her all about?

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• Iakona
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 1:01 PM GMT

  Dude, When I was in europe.... my gaydar was hitting the roof.... but all the guys there are just very well dressed, and secure with their sexuality. Isn't that possible as well. All these guys would look you straight in the eye when talking to you, and are eve affectionate. Times are changing, and there is really no a great way to gage weather someone is gay or straight.
  My advice, don't say anything, but stay close. If you get more evidence, then approach the situation. He could just be a very cool straight guy who is comfy with the gays, which makes her a very lucky girl. I have a lot of straight friends like that, and they would even flirt with guys, just cause it's fun... Just like how we can flirt with girls.
  Just my two cents....

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  Apr 13, 2011 3:15 PM GMT

  Ever stop to think, maybe he knew ahead of time that you're friends with her, and only started "dating" her to get closer to you?

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• toybrian
  
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  Apr 13, 2011 3:32 PM GMT

  Newbi, my only question from reading what you wrote is that it sounds like you are more worried yuo may lose a good friend in her. If she cares about yuo then the friendship will stay there but you will be taking a back seat to the new guy. If yuo turn out to be right then be there when she will need you the most and till then just be supportive to her.

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