Being attracted to guys who are way over your league

  • heymikey

    Posts: 24

    Apr 14, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    I have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately ever since I turned 30 a few weeks ago. One thing I've noticed is that I tend to be attracted and go after guys that are way out of my league. Then, when they turn me down or don't give me the attention that I wrongly feel I am entitled to, I would say to myself that they are just shallow and superficial. I'd then complain that all gay men are shallow who are only interested in sex.

    You know what I've started to realize? I am such a hypocritical asshole. I have turned down a few guys that could have been great boyfriends. One in particular that I regret was this guy from a couple of years ago. He was actually really cute now that I've thought about it, he's about the same age as I am, has a decent professional job, seems really nice and has his shit together -- the kind of guy you'd feel comfortable introducing to your folks. But, I wasn't interested at that time because he was short (well, shorter than me) and wasn't hot (just cute). Also, it didn't help that I was interested in someone else at the time -- someone that I could never have but foolishly thought that I might have a chance and now has a serious girlfriend (for brevity's sake, I'll just keep it to that). I am now at a point where if I happen to bump into him, I'd definitely ask him out if he's still available and interested. But, there is really no point in crying over spilled milk.

    I guess men, gay or straight, grow to love those that they are sexually attracted to, while women become sexually attracted to the person that they love. But what if the guys you are sexually attracted to are way out of your league? How do you deal? Is it insecurity? I've seen average-looking gay couples in domestic bliss. How does one get that? I admit, I am shallow. How do I change? Anyone here can relate?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2011 8:27 AM GMT
    You get lonely enough until you have to change?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:02 AM GMT
    I know what is and isn't my league, so I know how to play my cards.
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:10 AM GMT
    Anduru saidI know what is and isn't my league, so I know how to play my cards.


    andrew. I'm bored. come over and lets have interracial gay sex and film it.
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:13 AM GMT
    dekiruman said
    Anduru saidI know what is and isn't my league, so I know how to play my cards.


    andrew. I'm bored. come over and lets have interracial gay sex and film it.


    Sounds like a studio's 'fetish' film
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:21 AM GMT
    ErikTaurean said
    dekiruman said
    Anduru saidI know what is and isn't my league, so I know how to play my cards.


    andrew. I'm bored. come over and lets have interracial gay sex and film it.


    Sounds like a studio's 'fetish' film


    Could have been a masterpiece. But He took to long to respond. I'm a a star and I don't like to be kept waiting. icon_cool.gif

    I'll just have to find someone else.
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:28 AM GMT
    if you assume that a guy is out of your league then you are obviously lacking in self confidence Mr. No Man is out of your league, it is your perception that you are not good enough and if he has different tastes in men and you are not his taste, it does not mean you are out of his league/class/etc, its just human nature, we all have types and different turn-ons and attractions, be more confident and stop putting yourself down ok!

    :-)
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    Apr 14, 2011 9:51 AM GMT
    hmm.. what I think is that people tend to miss things in front of them when they're looking for other things that occupy their mind.
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Apr 14, 2011 9:58 AM GMT
    heymikey saidI have been doing a lot of soul-searching lately ever since I turned 30 a few weeks ago. One thing I've noticed is that I tend to be attracted and go after guys that are way out of my league. Then, when they turn me down or don't give me the attention that I wrongly feel I am entitled to, I would say to myself that they are just shallow and superficial. I'd then complain that all gay men are shallow who are only interested in sex.

    You know what I've started to realize? I am such a hypocritical asshole. I have turned down a few guys that could have been great boyfriends. One in particular that I regret was this guy from a couple of years ago. He was actually really cute now that I've thought about it, he's about the same age as I am, has a decent professional job, seems really nice and has his shit together -- the kind of guy you'd feel comfortable introducing to your folks. But, I wasn't interested at that time because he was short (well, shorter than me) and wasn't hot (just cute). Also, it didn't help that I was interested in someone else at the time -- someone that I could never have but foolishly thought that I might have a chance and now has a serious girlfriend (for brevity's sake, I'll just keep it to that). I am now at a point where if I happen to bump into him, I'd definitely ask him out if he's still available and interested. But, there is really no point in crying over spilled milk.

    I guess men, gay or straight, grow to love those that they are sexually attracted to, while women become sexually attracted to the person that they love. But what if the guys you are sexually attracted to are way out of your league? How do you deal? Is it insecurity? I've seen average-looking gay couples in domestic bliss. How does one get that? I admit, I am shallow. How do I change? Anyone here can relate?


    Bottom line, Be what you are attracted too. If that is what is important to you. Also, it's not fair to generalize women for they are also visual and are attracted to physicality. They can grow to love just as men can. Leagues are not about looks but rather about confidence, so given that, I think you may have the wrong information.
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    Apr 14, 2011 11:10 AM GMT
    Watermelons saidEveryone is shallow, you can't really change that. Evolutionarily, we're programmed to be shallow. This applies to both men and women, gay or straight. Animals will always look for the "best" specimen to mate with. And yeah, while two gay men can't really procreate, the notion of wanting the best mate is still innate. So, whoever says they aren't shallow is full of shit. Accept being shallow and embrace it. You know what you like/want. If for some reason you aren't attracting those type of people, then get proactive about it. Improve who you are and focus on yourself and people will start finding you attractive. And by that, I mean improve yourself physically and mentally. Workout, go out and experience new things, make some wonderful life experiences. Invest in yourself and people will notice it. Then just kick back and reap the rewards. Good partners/Relationships come to those who don't look for them!

    Furthermore, no one is out of anyone's league, as long as one plays their cards right. Which just goes back into improving yourself. Have stories to tell about your life adventures, have the body you've always dreamed of because you worked your ass off at the gym for it, use your amazing social skills that you've honed from being out and about.

    Just never forget that no one is out of your league as long as you work for it!


    Hahaha. So you're essentially telling him to change his physical appearance and personality to put himself in the other guy's league. Therefore, he is currently out of the guy's league.

    I like the way you word it tho.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Apr 14, 2011 11:25 AM GMT
    hazardous saidYou get lonely enough until you have to change?


    /like
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    Apr 14, 2011 11:54 AM GMT
    It's okay for you to date someone 'above your league' as long as he doesn't believe you are 'below his league'.

    More importantly, seek someone with whom you can communicate.
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    Apr 14, 2011 11:59 AM GMT
    AvadaKedavra said
    Watermelons saidEveryone is shallow, you can't really change that. Evolutionarily, we're programmed to be shallow. This applies to both men and women, gay or straight. Animals will always look for the "best" specimen to mate with. And yeah, while two gay men can't really procreate, the notion of wanting the best mate is still innate. So, whoever says they aren't shallow is full of shit. Accept being shallow and embrace it. You know what you like/want. If for some reason you aren't attracting those type of people, then get proactive about it. Improve who you are and focus on yourself and people will start finding you attractive. And by that, I mean improve yourself physically and mentally. Workout, go out and experience new things, make some wonderful life experiences. Invest in yourself and people will notice it. Then just kick back and reap the rewards. Good partners/Relationships come to those who don't look for them!

    Furthermore, no one is out of anyone's league, as long as one plays their cards right. Which just goes back into improving yourself. Have stories to tell about your life adventures, have the body you've always dreamed of because you worked your ass off at the gym for it, use your amazing social skills that you've honed from being out and about.

    Just never forget that no one is out of your league as long as you work for it!


    Hahaha. So you're essentially telling him to change his physical appearance and personality to put himself in the other guy's league. Therefore, he is currently out of the guy's league.

    I like the way you word it tho.


    Yes, if you want to put it bluntly, in order to improve who you are, as a person, you must change. If you discard bad habits and pick up good ones, you are changing yourself. Is that wrong? If you're a shy person who can never seem to get what you want, wouldn't you change your attitude and start becoming more confident?
    If you've been inactive your whole life, wouldn't you want to change that? You wouldn't want to go on a date and "sell yourself" to people as a couch potato. Where's the appeal in that?

    Overall, you must stay true to who you are. I just don't believe that people are destined to described themselves as any negative attributes. Some examples of that would be lazy, awkwardly shy, socially challenged and so on. With a little will power and work, you can turn that around into active, fun and outgoing. Find what you are passionate about and talk about it with people. In the end, as "stupid" as you may think that passion is, what people see is that passionate flame you have about the subject, rather than the subject itself. It's quite attractive!

    If one ever feels like another person is out of their league, then do something about it to make you stop feeling that way. Go about it in any way you want, mentally or physically or both! Bitching about it won't help. If you become proactive about it, it boosts self-confidence. Self-confidence thus, leads you to not feeling like you aren't in people's league.
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    Apr 14, 2011 12:07 PM GMT


    Only when you truly love someone do you realise what your idea of attractive means.

    Have your fun with the guys with great abs and a perma tan, but you will never understand how your 'tastes' take a back seat to true feelings.

    Show me two 'hot' guys that have been together for 10+ years and I'll eat my hat.

    Love is blind, and in a good way.
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    Apr 14, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    Watermelons said
    AvadaKedavra said
    Watermelons saidEveryone is shallow, you can't really change that. Evolutionarily, we're programmed to be shallow. This applies to both men and women, gay or straight. Animals will always look for the "best" specimen to mate with. And yeah, while two gay men can't really procreate, the notion of wanting the best mate is still innate. So, whoever says they aren't shallow is full of shit. Accept being shallow and embrace it. You know what you like/want. If for some reason you aren't attracting those type of people, then get proactive about it. Improve who you are and focus on yourself and people will start finding you attractive. And by that, I mean improve yourself physically and mentally. Workout, go out and experience new things, make some wonderful life experiences. Invest in yourself and people will notice it. Then just kick back and reap the rewards. Good partners/Relationships come to those who don't look for them!

    Furthermore, no one is out of anyone's league, as long as one plays their cards right. Which just goes back into improving yourself. Have stories to tell about your life adventures, have the body you've always dreamed of because you worked your ass off at the gym for it, use your amazing social skills that you've honed from being out and about.

    Just never forget that no one is out of your league as long as you work for it!


    Hahaha. So you're essentially telling him to change his physical appearance and personality to put himself in the other guy's league. Therefore, he is currently out of the guy's league.

    I like the way you word it tho.


    Yes, if you want to put it bluntly, in order to improve who you are, as a person, you must change. If you discard bad habits and pick up good ones, you are changing yourself. Is that wrong? If you're a shy person who can never seem to get what you want, wouldn't you change your attitude and start becoming more confident?
    If you've been inactive your whole life, wouldn't you want to change that? You wouldn't want to go on a date and "sell yourself" to people as a couch potato. Where's the appeal in that?

    Overall, you must stay true to who you are. I just don't believe that people are destined to described themselves as any negative attributes. Some examples of that would be lazy, awkwardly shy, socially challenged and so on. With a little will power and work, you can turn that around into active, fun and outgoing. Find what you are passionate about and talk about it with people. In the end, as "stupid" as you may think that passion is, what people see is that passionate flame you have about the subject, rather than the subject itself. It's quite attractive!

    If one ever feels like another person is out of their league, then do something about it to make you stop feeling that way. Go about it in any way you want, mentally or physically or both! Bitching about it won't help. If you become proactive about it, it boosts self-confidence. Self-confidence thus, leads you to not feeling like you aren't in people's league.


    have you seen this video:

    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1489001
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    Apr 14, 2011 12:14 PM GMT
    Yes, it's a good video. I'm not asking him to conform to that extreme but everyone has their balance.

    So tell me, what would YOU suggest? If you've been a couch potato all your life because your parents never really pushed you out there to do anything, is that the way you should live your life to be for the rest of your lifetime?
    If you've grown up shy because you never learned to be social, is that the way you should keep going as?

    What would you do?

    EDIT* these questions are all hypothetical! Not assuming the OP or anyone is like that. However, take into context any "negative" trait and plug it in. You can changed shy to being a douche bag. And couch potato to being an angry person that most would think require some anger management issues. etc etc.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 14, 2011 12:28 PM GMT
    Glad you are gaining a more mature attitude about your life and your view of the world around you.... keep it up, you have gone a long way toward being happy with yourself and your life.

    If you happen to bump into the guy you referenced, you can explore the idea of getting to know him, otherwise, go about your business and be open to another guy you sincerely believes has his shit together and is ... cute, but not hot.. LOL
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 14, 2011 12:33 PM GMT
    Who is "over your limit" depend on what do you think of yourself. Personally, I don't think that anyone is over the limit. Why should it be? Because he is better looking than you? Well, maybe you are smarter than him. At the end, everything balance out. Work on your self esteem.
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    Apr 14, 2011 1:04 PM GMT
    I must admit that sometimes in the past I have felt that some men were in a league way above my own. I would usually not even think of approaching them because I was convinced they would not be interested in me.

    As I reached my late thirties, one of the hottest guys I had ever seen, and who I had never approached because I thought he wouldn't be interested in me, struck up a conversation with me on a quiet night at a gay bar. We "clicked", and then he told me he had had his eye on me for a long time. I had never noticed this and couldn't believe it. We ended up having a great time, and dated for nearly a year, until he emigrated to Portugal to take over his dad's business. I still miss him and consider him one off those experiences that makes life worthwhile.

    Today, the idea that a guy is too good for me is long gone. It's just a limit we put on ourselves. Hot guys find all different types of men attractive. You may just be his type and not even realise it.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Apr 14, 2011 1:23 PM GMT
    We've all seen it - the super hot supermodel with the average Joe that we think we best in just about every way. Why? Every post above that mentions self-convidence: +1. Every post that mentions being a good listener or being interested for reasons other than their looks (it shows): another +1.

    At some point in EVERYONE's life we knew we were the hottest guy in the room - even if it was the weekly weight watcher's meeting for the physically deformed. At that moment in time, you knew who was talking to you because they thought you were beautiful on the inside and who was just interested in you for your looks.

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    Apr 14, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Watermelons saidYes, it's a good video. I'm not asking him to conform to that extreme but everyone has their balance.

    So tell me, what would YOU suggest? If you've been a couch potato all your life because your parents never really pushed you out there to do anything, is that the way you should live your life to be for the rest of your lifetime?
    If you've grown up shy because you never learned to be social, is that the way you should keep going as?

    What would you do?

    EDIT* these questions are all hypothetical! Not assuming the OP or anyone is like that. However, take into context any "negative" trait and plug it in. You can changed shy to being a douche bag. And couch potato to being an angry person that most would think require some anger management issues. etc etc.


    I don't think you can fairly tell someone to change their personality and physical appearance and at the same time "stay true to who you are". Particularly in the context of this thread. The OP is stating that he feels like he can't attract guys are out of his league. If you suggesting that he changes (which you mask as "improve") himself, within this context, he would be doing it for others and not himself. You are really just telling him to convince himself that he is doing it for himself and not for someone else. This is conformity at its best baby.

    Going back to the video, are these really extreme situations or are you just getting an in depth look at regular situations? Also, the video is a perfect example of people who are improving themselves to be accepted by others and because of that they are never happy with themselves. I believe your advice of "improve yourself" but really "stay true to who you are" is a good way to get yourself into the same hole as the guys in the video.

    If you want to know what I suggest read what holyrood, MuchMore, and HndsmKansan has posted.


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    Apr 14, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    I would just like to congratulate heymikey for having a moment of personal growth through expanded self-awareness. From that spot he can only grow more as a person en route to actualized happiness in life.
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    Apr 14, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    this "league" stuff is more for young people who imagine life is endless. the league you should both be in is the one where you can meet each others needs and share a good life together. otherwise, you're just having a consumer experience. Hooking up is just hooking without currency, but with other things in the place of currency. Like relative hotness. People who buy into these value systems won't stick around if your hotness value changes because it's a trade, not a merger.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 14, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    BambinoRex saidthis "league" stuff is more for young people who imagine life is endless. the league you should both be in is the one where you can meet each others needs and share a good life together.


    This......
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    Apr 14, 2011 3:01 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    BambinoRex saidthis "league" stuff is more for young people who imagine life is endless. the league you should both be in is the one where you can meet each others needs and share a good life together.


    This......


    League=Prison

    "No one is outa mine. And I'm not too good for anybody."

    The foregoing, I realize, is not reality, but it's a good mantra. Repeat often.