Whats the best joke you heard recently?

  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 15, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    Ok so its Friday evening here in the UK, I've just come back from running and I'm in a stupid mood. My training partner and I always tell jokes when we run. My latest one for him:

    Guy goes into pharmacy to find out about viagra.

    Guy: Do you have viagra?

    Pharmacist: Yes we do

    Guy: Does it work?

    Pharmacist: Yes it does.

    Guy: Can you get it over the counter?

    Pharmacist: I can if I take two.


    Ok whats your best joke?
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 15, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    FORUM TOPIC REAPPEAR!!

    OK I can't be the only one with a joke on here....
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    Apr 15, 2011 10:37 PM GMT
    aw id feel bad if no one replied so ill put up a funny joke. its kinda long but worth it in the end icon_smile.gif
    once upon a time there was a guy who was walking home from work and all the sudden it him: his wife has been cheating on him. He couldn't pinpoint why he came to this conclusion but he knew it. Maybe he was the jealous type but he certainly knew his wife was cheating on him.
    So he comes home to his wife in their apartment on the sixth floor of their building and he says "honey I'm home!" She replies with "hi! I'm just taking a nap on the bed." He is about to walk into his bedroom to see if there is someone with his wife when he notices out of the corner of his eye, there are several fingertips hanging tightly to the edge of his balcony outside.
    He quietly grabs a hammer and silently walks over to the balcony.
    He looks over the edge and he sees a man hanging for dear life, holding on to the balcony.
    He starts banging his fingers with the hammer and screaming "I KNEW IT! YOU ASSHOLE! I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT!"
    The man finally falls off the building but lands relatively unhurt in some soft foliage below.
    So the husband runs into the apartment, furiously picks up the fridge and throws it on top of the man in the bushes below. Unfortunately, the weight and momentum of the fridge caused the man to fall off his own balcony as well and he died.
    Now, the two men are waiting to go into the gates of heaven and see they have also been joined by a third man. In order to get into heaven, they are asked to explain how they died.
    So the first man explains how he suspected his wife was cheating on him, how he came home to see the man hanging by his porch and how he killed him but died in the process.
    The second men explains that he was living in the apartment above the first man (the seventh floor) when he slipped on his balcony and he found himself hanging on for dear life by his fingertips on the balcony below him. Then he explains how a madman started yelling at him, took a hammer and hit his fingers so that he fell and then a refrigerator fell on top of him.
    The third man explains that he was having good sex with this married woman he met at the bar earlier that day and she took him home to her apartment on the sixth floor of the building. Suddenly she said "quick hide! My husband will be coming home soon!" The man frantically searched to find a hiding place and the best spot he found was in the fridge.

    I hope someone reads this. it took me so long to type it lol.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 16, 2011 3:57 AM GMT
    Good one!
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    Apr 16, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    It's an old one, but by bother-in-law told it back to me forgetting I told it to him ages ago. It still made me laugh.

    Farah Fawcett gets up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is waiting for her.

    He says "Farah, since you were such a sweet person in life, in addition to your eternal reward, we're going to let you change one thing on earth."

    Farah thinks for a few seconds and replies "I would just like the world to be a safer place for kids."

    St. Peter nods and strokes his beard thoughtfully. "Done!"

    Michael Jackson dies.
  • eddieross69

    Posts: 841

    Apr 16, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

    First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

    Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

    The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Apr 16, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidIt's an old one, but by bother-in-law told it back to me forgetting I told it to him ages ago. It still made me laugh.

    Farah Fawcett gets up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is waiting for her.

    He says "Farah, since you were such a sweet person in life, in addition to your eternal reward, we're going to let you change one thing on earth."

    Farah thinks for a few seconds and replies "I would just like the world to be a safer place for kids."

    St. Peter nods and strokes his beard thoughtfully. "Done!"

    Michael Jackson dies.



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    Apr 16, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 said
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidIt's an old one, but by bother-in-law told it back to me forgetting I told it to him ages ago. It still made me laugh.

    Farah Fawcett gets up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is waiting for her.

    He says "Farah, since you were such a sweet person in life, in addition to your eternal reward, we're going to let you change one thing on earth."

    Farah thinks for a few seconds and replies "I would just like the world to be a safer place for kids."

    St. Peter nods and strokes his beard thoughtfully. "Done!"

    Michael Jackson dies.






    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!icon_eek.gif
  • eddieross69

    Posts: 841

    Apr 16, 2011 4:33 AM GMT
    One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

    To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

    The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

    The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

    The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

    To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Apr 16, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    What's the difference between a lesbian and a walrus??


    One is fat, has a moustache, and eats fish.

    The other is a walrus.
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    Apr 16, 2011 4:51 AM GMT
    danisnotstr8 saidWhat's the difference between a lesbian and a walrus??


    One is fat, has a moustache, and eats fish.

    The other is a walrus.



    icon_lol.gif

    What the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?






    One is a snack cracker the other is a crack snacker.
  • eddieross69

    Posts: 841

    Apr 16, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
    He found a hare up his ass.

    How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
    All the good guys are hung.

    Did you hear about the gay truckers?
    They exchanged loads.

    Did you hear about the two gay judges?
    They tried each other.

    Why dont blind men skydive?
    Because it scares the shit out of the dog
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    Apr 16, 2011 9:32 AM GMT
    THE MOUSTACHE ONE!!! lol
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:32 AM GMT
    What'd one tampon say to the other?
    -Nothin', they're both stuck up bitches!
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:50 AM GMT



    There are two muffins baking in an oven

    one goes "Woah, it's hot in here."

    the other goes "WOAH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" icon_idea.gif
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:05 PM GMT
    THAT^ i love that joke! i was thinking of putting it up
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:37 PM GMT
    Knock knock.

    Whos there?

    Biggish

    Biggish who?

    No, not today thanks.

    icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

    After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

    "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

    "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

    "I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

    "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

    "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

    "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

    "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

    The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

    "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

    The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

    One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

    "What?" asks the guy.

    "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

    "What happened then?" asks the guy.

    "Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

    "My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

    "Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

    "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

    "That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

    The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

    Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

    "Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

    "Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

    And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Gay Translator

    What you are saying:I want a commitment.
    Translation:I'm sick of masturbation.

    What you are saying:Haven't I seen you before?
    Translation:Nice ass.

    What you are saying:I need you.
    Translation:My hand is tired.

    What you are saying:You're the only man I've ever cared about.
    Translation:You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

    What you are saying:I'm a Romantic.
    Translation:I'm poor.

    What you are saying:I really want to get to know you better.
    Translation:So I can tell my friends about it.

    What you are saying:It's just orange juice, try it.
    Translation:3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

    What you are saying:He's kinda cute.
    Translation:I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

    What you are saying:He's not my type.
    Translation:He won't sleep with me.

    What you are saying:I miss you so much
    Translation:I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

    What you are saying:I had a wonderful time last night.
    Translation:Who the hell are you?

    What you are sayingicon_biggrin.gifo you love me?
    Translation:I've done something stupid and you might find out.

    What you are sayingicon_biggrin.gifo you 'really' love me?
    Translation:I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

    What you are saying:I'll give you a call.
    Translation:I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

    What you are saying:I've been thinking a lot.
    Translation:You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

    What you are saying:I think we should just be friends.
    Translation:You're ugly.

    What you are saying:I've learned a lot from you.
    Translation:Next!!!!


  • jonnyangel

    Posts: 77

    Apr 17, 2011 12:40 PM GMT
    It is the morning of an eldery couple's 65th wedding anniversary.They are in the kitchen getting ready for breakfast, reminiscing about the last 65 yrs,and how time flies.He says to her, "remember in the earliest years how we would be in this very kitchen naked as jaybirds having breakfast together ,and how fun that was?" She says ,"oh that used to be so much fun,we should do it again". They strip off their clothes and they are sitting at the table in the buff eating breakfast. She says to her husband,"you know dear even after all these years,looking at you, you still makes my nipples feel hot". He repies to her," honey I think you have one tit in your coffee,and the other one in your oatmeal".
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 17, 2011 1:08 PM GMT
    Don_Guerrilla_de_Sodom saidIt's an old one, but by bother-in-law told it back to me forgetting I told it to him ages ago. It still made me laugh.

    Farah Fawcett gets up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is waiting for her.

    He says "Farah, since you were such a sweet person in life, in addition to your eternal reward, we're going to let you change one thing on earth."

    Farah thinks for a few seconds and replies "I would just like the world to be a safer place for kids."

    St. Peter nods and strokes his beard thoughtfully. "Done!"

    Michael Jackson dies.


    LOL, good one

    Eve asked Adam-Honey, do you love me?
    He says-Who else??
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    Apr 17, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    The plane is on the runway at Dubai International Airport when the announcement comes over the PA for all passengers to fasten their seatbelts and put the tray in the up position.

    Making the last checks, a flight attendant notices that one passenger hasn't put her tray upright.

    "Excuse me, we're about to take off, may you please put your tray in the up position?"

    The passenger takes a big huff and glares at the flight attendant "Do you know who I am? Where I come from, I am called a princess, and I will not be told what to do by a measly commoner such as yourself".

    Not skipping a beat, the flight attendant snaps his fingers, puts a hand on his hips and says "well in MY country, I am called a queen, and since a queen clearly outranks a princess, tray up, byatch!"
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    Apr 18, 2011 6:50 AM GMT
    kangourou saidThe plane is on the runway at Dubai International Airport when the announcement comes over the PA for all passengers to fasten their seatbelts and put the tray in the up position.

    Making the last checks, a flight attendant notices that one passenger hasn't put her tray upright.

    "Excuse me, we're about to take off, may you please put your tray in the up position?"

    The passenger takes a big huff and glares at the flight attendant "Do you know who I am? Where I come from, I am called a princess, and I will not be told what to do by a measly commoner such as yourself".

    Not skipping a beat, the flight attendant snaps his fingers, puts a hand on his hips and says "well in MY country, I am called a queen, and since a queen clearly outranks a princess, tray up, byatch!"


    Hahaha this made my day!

    xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2011 7:17 AM GMT
    What does a gay horse eat?

    Haaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!


    What does a lesbian horse eat?

    HEY!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 18, 2011 7:19 AM GMT
    Knock Knock

    Who's There?

    You Know...

    You Know Who?

    Yep. Avada Kedavra.