• Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    This is my 4th good deed for today

    These are his two threads that are posted separately. I'm combining the two so that the RJer can get the whole picture and hopefully give useful advice. This is a serious trend that I see among young gay men dealing with older gay men. Hopefully, (Seanhex) can see for himself and read my comment.

    "Hi, I got to know this guy online and we have been connected on skype since, he messages me early in the morning if i am not there and keeps me constantly online, videos me himself, playing guitar, fixing his hair, flexing his muscles but nothing naked.

    He keeps calling me gay, for the past 5 months he has called me gay a thousand times and I have told him to stop and he did not, so now i just go with it and say to him that he can think of me whatever he wants to.

    Yes i do like him and we are connected despite our age difference, I still see something wrong with this picture, we are 26 years different in age and even he says he is straight and had girlfriends, then why he is so connected to me, why he wants me online all the time and calls me gay.

    I am soon to visit him for a few weeks, any suggestions as to what to do. I am just getting tired of hearing all his gay comments about me.

    He also told me that once he kissed a guy on the lips, this because the gay guy was following him for months. So I do not know if he is gay or bi.

    I can tell you that he has feelings for me, I know this for sure, but is he hiding something, will he deny it like he is now and keep calling me gay and stuff, saying at times he wants to wank me and bunch of gay terms and arousing vocabulary."

    "I have a guy friend, we been voice chatting online for 4 months now, last month he said that we can chat but not 24/7 because he thought we get bored of eachother, now he is voice chatting for hours some times 7 hours with me, Is he attached to me/? he says i am gay and he is not but slowly when he talks dirty he is not so defensive like before when i used to tell him he is gay too.

    It seems he is emotionally attached to me, if this was not true why he would want me on skye so long, and compared to before when i used to want to talk to him and he would say no and days would go by?

    Just recently he even when taking a shower or bath, has me on skype , just voice no video, until he is tired and wants to sleep, he keeps me on voice chat. Is this normal of him? He even send me picture of his bathroom , his tub filled with bubble bath and candles. But he is not in it.

    Just trying to figure out what is going on in his mind, I am going to visit him for a few weeks, what should i do or not do?"

    My advice to you is that Please don't visit him. It doesn't matter whether you already promised him. Make up another excuse and not go. Please don't. There are alot of things going wrong in this picture.

    1st. He met you online. What kind of a straight guy would meet another guy who's 26 years younger online and continue to keep in touch with him?

    2nd. He is using his "straightness" or "having girlfriends" as an excuse to lure you into visiting him. Lord knows how many gay guys would be turned on the word "straight"?

    3rd. If he's straight, why is he still talking to you, 26 years younger, keep on antagonizing you to be gay and ultimately agreeing to spend time with you for a few weeks?

    4th. If he is strictly platonic, why is he flexing his muscles and playing guitars for you and talking about the experience of kissing another guy? Sounds highly suspicious.

    5th. And you haven't met him in person and you are agreeing to spend time at his place for three weeks?? That's very dangerous

    6th. Please, please don't go to his place. That sounds very dangerous and unnatural and I'm sure you've already sensed that even subconsciously since you posted a thread about the 26 years age difference.

    7th I have seen this kind of behavior when a young gay guy has been given alot of attention by an older gentleman and this young gay guy has been led to believe that the other guy is getting to know him on a strictly platonic basis. In reality, 26 years of age is a big difference in terms of life experiences and there are very little that you two can have in common to sustain something for a long time unless it is about sex. The worse part is that he keeps saying that he's straight which to me reeks with dishonesty and ulterior motives. I don't know about the nature of your relationship but it sure isn't platonic. Even 5 years of age difference is a big difference in terms of life expereinces because 5 years ago, I was a naive kid who doesn't know anything about people. I looked back and remember how stupid I was 5 years ago and I don't want to go back there. Not that you are stupid but it's just alot of things that you haven't learned about life in general and about people. 26 years, he has ALOT of life expereinces and ways to lie himself out of the sitution. I sense alot of MANIPULATION from the way he was contacting you. He's not treating you with respect from the fact that he kept calling you gay. And he's bordering pedophillia. Just thing about it. If you were alittle younger, 17, it would be a crime. Just because you are 19, suddenly it becomes okay to have sex with a 50 years old man? (Sorry, I am not bashing any 50 years old or older on here, but the way he was being "bullied" (there are different definition of bulling) sounds highly suspicous and I was pointing it out). So please don't go.

    8th The fact that he's lonely, doesn't have friends, a job, hobby etc is his business and he can seek counselling, go out and meet people close to his age, go to bars, join clubs, volunteer etc, That's his business. He has spending power if he truly wants to change and the fact that he's seeking approval and company of a young guy who's 26 years younger is pretty fucked up. (sorry for the word fucked up) And it's not just the age difference, the way he's antagonzing you, not treating you with respect, agreeing to making you come to spend time at his place for three weeks is simply wrong.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2011 11:47 PM GMT
    why would making a 3rd thread help? hahaha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:53 AM GMT
    I think you're mistaken hangumal: seanhex isn't the 19 year old, he's the 41 year old, lol. Though you do make a good point. The boy is 19 or 20 years old, he still hasn't reached full maturity and doesn't have the same capability to make as well-informed decisions as seanhex does. It's almost exploitative.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    I am not there to have sex with him. It is solely based on friendship. I have no idea what he has in mind, but i am not going to mess him up.
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    Apr 16, 2011 2:19 PM GMT
    Less then a few sentences into your post and all sorts of warning bells were going off.

    I think you would be a fool to meet up with this guy let alone continue to conversing with him. This has nothing but trouble written all over it.
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    Apr 16, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    Maybe we should go to Seanhex's 2 threads and give him advice since the OP of this thread got a crucial detail wrong- who was the young guy and who was the older guy. When you switch those roles it kind of changes the perspective. He even went on to give a long list of advice based on the idea an older guy was trying to take advantage of a young guy, when it is actually Seanhex who is the older guy. I still think this is a relationship wrought with problems, but this isn't really the thread to give any advice, since the error starts in the thread title. Some good deed you did OP- epic fail.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14062

    Apr 16, 2011 3:08 PM GMT
    A guy who is 19 or 20 years old is definitely not a boy, he is a man period. As for reaching full maturity, that all depends on the person and their upbringing.
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    Apr 16, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
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    Apr 16, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    I appreciate the gesture for making a separate post on this, but i would like it to be deleted.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Apr 16, 2011 3:52 PM GMT
    "STR8" is, hands-down THEE-most abused English word in the non-hetero lexicon. Caution, there is a major red-flag; regardless of age !!!

    (A.K.A., "non-conformity of cognition to reality.")
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    Apr 16, 2011 6:48 PM GMT
    I think we have been really unfair and rude to Seanhex who has been seeking advice. I didn't know that Seanhex was the older one in the equation so I made the mistake for giving advice assuming that Seanhex was the younger one. That being said, I wish I could delete my thread per request of Seanhex, but if the thread has more than two replies, the RJ admin doesn't allow anyone to delete it. Even though, my initial intent wasn't to start a hate war, I wanted it to be strictly based on advice, I carefully chose the right words but, unfortunately, like most things in life, it gets mis-interpreted and unintentially hurt someone.

    To Seanhex, I suggest that you stop giving explanation to some of these RJer and decide what you want to do. Bear in mind that you are the older one in the equation and should be wiser to make the right decision even if it means sacrificing your self-interested feelings of connecting with this kid. It sometimes happen that we get carried away in our own world and feelings that we lose sight of reality. I understand that you are fragile and care about what people think of you since you requested me to delete it and I give you the benefit of the doubt that you, like most of us, are only human and therefore, subject to errors. We are all walking on the same earth and trying our best to make the right decision and I'm not here to preach to you about the big "morality" topic. I understand our need to connect with people especially when someone whom we are attracted to gives us special attention and vice versa, but I suggest that you keep the relationship with this kid strictly platonic, even if he tries sexual thing on you. This is solely to avoid future legal and emotional turmoils on both of you. Especially for this kid, be a wise adult and GUIDE him in the right decision. He is still at a emotionally fragile age, most straight guys are still a kid at that age and even gay kids are more immature since they don't have the right of passage into adulthood when they were growing up, nor adult gay role models to look up to (Think of your childhood and think how much it would be easier if you had someone to look up to as a gay rolemodel). This observation is solely based on his jealously towards that fictional woman who emails you because she is attracted to you. Seeing that, this kid is still emotionally immature yet to make the right decision. So be the wish adult and make a right decision for him. Have courage to be brave, say the right thing.
    TO RJers, Be empahetic to someone who is truly seeking advice. It is easy to sit behind a computer and give unabashed, biting "truth" when we are not in the situation but words do hurt people. Sometimes, words can cut someone more than swords so choose your words wisely and if it's not contructive, you just shut up.

    Best of Luck.
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    Apr 16, 2011 9:21 PM GMT
    hangulmal said I think we have been really unfair and rude to Seanhex who has been seeking advice.

    I didn't think my post in this thread was rude. If it was, then the rudeness was directed to you as you have gotten wrong who was the older guy and was the younger guy in both the thread title and your OP and even after learning of your error, have still not edited the title and OP to correct the misinformation. It really does make a difference because it really changes the dynamic of the story. There is a big difference between a guy who is fifty sitting home with no job and no friends (the version you have in the OP) and the way it really is- a 19 year old kid sitting home with no job and no friends. It makes a big difference because we tend to give a 19 yo more a pass as he is at an awkward age just entering adulthood and still finding himself. If anyone is doing a disservice and being unfair to Seanhex, it is you by having the story wrong and starting a thread with misinformation. Misinformation that you still haven't corrected. I agree with Seanhex, this thread really should be deleted as you have information wrong that makes a big difference as to how someone would respond.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    These posts assume that these guys are real. Big mistake. No one should
    Make any real investment in online unverified anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    To Iceblink: I hope God bless you! And May you find peace in your heart.