Rebuilding what feels like a shattered life

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:04 PM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I'm gonna be really honest and want to ask that the guys who are bitchy or make light of others pain on here shut up.

    Its a difficult post but after coming out last year, going through the mill in terms of rejection and abandonment by so called friends etc, I'm now finding myself in the painful place of trying to make new friends, develop a new social network etc.

    Its not as easy as it sounds. I feel so incredibly angry, grief stricken and alone that I'm having to do this at fuckin' age 35 and most guys have their social networks made up and settled already. I spend a lot of time alone- its a miracle I can still audition and book jobs and maintain my career, but my loneliness drives me to hook ups in the vain and stupid hope of "connecting" with someone.

    It feels overwhelming to me, and the amount of anger I feel towards people, life, God, people and stuff is overwhelming.

    I have the bullshit remants of ex gay therapy to exorcise and stuff: the only thing that comes to mind is the line from "I dreamed a dream from Les Mis : "I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living".

    I'm finding this so painful, grief inducing and excruciating and I just want to weep.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Apr 16, 2011 12:09 PM GMT
    Always remember my friend...You are never alone....some of us have already been through this, some of us are going through it now, and some of us will go through it in the future... Here's a hug, just for you ((( blactor ))) icon_wink.gif
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Apr 16, 2011 12:13 PM GMT
    Remember, anger takes energy and will consume you-not when you have still so much to offer. Yeah, it's kinda Zen-ish, but the fact is, that which doesn't kill you, makes you much, much stronger.

    You have great potential to give to the world. The question is, what will you do with it? It sounds like you are starting. What can WE do to help you?

    As the poster prior to me stated, you're never alone. And, in today's day and age, that's more truer than ever.

    Is there something we can do?

    Peace, friend,
    Bardy
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:47 PM GMT
    You don't have to tell us bitches to shutup, we don't act like cocks unless you're a complete retard.

    We do have SOME heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 12:57 PM GMT
    Winston Churchill said "When you're going through Hell, keep going."

    This last year was the worst of my life. I lost my mother last April, very suddenly. We were extremely close.

    I believe that when you're life goes to shit, you can either close yourself off, or try to let the pain and difficulty open you up to more to what life has to offer.

    Since my Mom died I've reinvigorated a bunch of old friendships, and I've also started a foundation to honor her memory. All along the way, I'm seeing the best in most people who want to help us fight the disease that took her from us. You can see what we've done with our pain here:

    http://www.peggyfoundation.org/

    None of this is to minimize what you're going through. Rather, I want to suggest that things can turn around and I hope to they do for you.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:00 PM GMT
    Hey, buddy. You obviously have a lot of empathy for other folks, sounds like you're feeling their pain on top of your own. But Internet forums just suck sometimes, unless there's a strong moderator. People feel free to say things online that they would never dare to say to someone in person.

    I know you're going through a lot, some of which (the exgay stuff) I can only imagine. The only other thing I can say is that, in my experience, outgrowing the friends of youth and feeling alone happens to a lot of people. I'm watching it happen to a good friend who's 37, it happened to me around 40. You are not alone.

    Hugs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:19 PM GMT
    Meet up with my friend in Manchester, and hop on the plane with him when he visits here in Sept. icon_biggrin.gif

    Aside form that, I understand your pain. Sometimes if life you really have to just tough things out, and this seems to be one of those things. I really don't have any other advice to give since your coming out experience was a world of difference from mine. But I can give you a big e-hug and send you my best wishes for finding a way to be happy.

    *hugs*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:37 PM GMT
    blactor saidI'm finding this so painful, grief inducing and excruciating and I just want to weep.

    I'm so sorry to hear this. And yet also puzzled. What is a great hurt to you was a great help to me, what you term "shattering" was instead stimulating to me (and still is). I can't know if our differences in reacting to coming out are entirely due to our circumstances & experiences, or also to self-image & attitude. Some of that can't be changed, outside our control, but some things we do influence ourselves.

    In 1995 I found myself out very quickly, and also without many friends. But I was never very sociable, all my dealings being with fellow Army Officers, essentially career-related contacts "in the line of duty." Now newly retired, my only friends were local straight motorcycling buddies, my only other social contacts mostly limited to sitting around the campfire in area RV campgrounds at night chatting with strangers from around the State and the US.

    Well, I was determined to make a gay life for myself. If I was angry, it wasn't at others, but at myself, for having remained in total denial for so long. It was my fault, not theirs. And so I made finding gay friends my task, and I'm very determined once I have a mission or a goal. In fact, it gives me focus & purpose, and I'm actually happier working at a challenge than sitting idle.

    I mostly used local online services in Seattle to get started (the Internet still wasn't as well-developed for social networking), and from those initial gay contacts I continued my networking at parties and other gatherings. And if I had any residual anger at myself I never showed it to others, but instead made it obvious that there was no place on Earth I'd rather be than with my new gay acquaintances, many of whom became actual friends.

    People usually aren't too happy to be with you if you in turn don't look happy to be with them, too. What appears to be an obvious "DUH!" statement is actually overlooked and violated more often than many guys realize. I see it at gay parties all the time. Leave your personal problems and negative emotions at the doorstep when you arrive, and for a few hours just be delighted to be there. I'm kinda reading between the lines that maybe you're doing that, whether you recognize it or not.

    Coming out was the beginning of the happiest period of my life, my rebirth, why each year I celebrate the very day I came out as my second birthday. I just turned 16 in March. LOL! So you can understand why it distresses me to hear your sadness, especially when I know it doesn't have to be that way. Use your gayness as a way to leverage happiness for yourself, not to lose it. As many of us have done, and as you can do, too. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:49 PM GMT
    Theres not time, nor is it appropriate to explain the whole thing art Deco, but its suffice to say that its not the being gay thats an issue... its the reactions of various people etc- its not as simple as that

    Being in ex gay thearpy etc colors the way you see yourself and various other aspects...

    in order to understand it better I would suggest haveing a look at www.beyondexgay.com

    I totally appreciate that for guys who havent done ex gay therapy it may be hard to guage where Im coming from... but if you read some of the stories on that site, I think it will make a bit of sense.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    @ArtDeco

    Im pretty angry ant myself as well,to be totally honest- I keep asking myself why i believed all the crap for so long
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 2:04 PM GMT
    Anduru saidYou don't have to tell us bitches to shutup, we don't act like cocks unless you're a complete retard.

    We do have SOME heart.


    I <3 u
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    Anduru saidYou don't have to tell us bitches to shutup, we don't act like cocks unless you're a complete retard.

    We do have SOME heart.


    OBJECTION
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 16, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    Aw, honey, get involved in the gay community.
    There are all kinds of gyms, bars, sex clubs, coffee shops, and dance clubs where you can meet guys and make new friends.
    There's gay bingo, gay softball, gay bicycling, gay nudists, and on and on and on.

    Do some Googling to find out what's available in your area.

    You're a prize.
    But, you've got to get out there and get involved.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 16, 2011 9:59 PM GMT
    blactor said@ArtDeco

    Im pretty angry ant myself as well,to be totally honest- I keep asking myself why i believed all the crap for so long




    Stop beating yourself up.
    You can't change the past.
    Let it go.
    You were doing the best you knew how to do, at the time.

    Hugs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    Blactor, you're going to be okay. Give yourself time and get off your own back.... you are 100% worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:04 PM GMT
    I know being alone is sux ... tried it before ... but make sure u will always find someone who cares for u .. and i am ready to be ur friend icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:06 PM GMT
    First of all, I'm sorry you had to suffer the abuse at the hands of people who believed that being gay is not a normal beautiful thing. I can tell you that right now, I love being gay, love myself, my friends and my community. Wasn't always that way. We all have stories, some worse than others.

    I can recommend a book though

    The Velvet Rage, by Alan Downs, PhD
    He really nails it about growing up with the guilt and shame and RAGE and what to do about it.

    http://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Rage-Overcoming-Growing-Straight/dp/0738210617/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1302991490&sr=1-1

    velvet.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 16, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    *HUGS*icon_smile.gif I Hope You feel better icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2011 4:43 AM GMT
    Congratulations! You're having an "Existential Crisis". I had mine at 34, but didn't know what it was called until 44.

    Here's what I had to do to be able to rummage through the shattered pieces to determine which ones had residual value, and which ones I could be free from. Take some time to reflect upon the following questions. Really be able to answer each question before moving on to the next, because each subsequent question builds upon the previous.

    I found value in engaging a therapist and other kinds of personal coaches to help me through the process as well.

    Question #1: "Who am I?"
    Question #2: "What is my purpose?"
    Question #3: "What do I value, and why?

    After I was able to answer these questions, I was able to put everything else in life in perspective and in order. I live that way to this day. The work I did answering those questions brought clarity to my life. Tough times actually are easier to manage because of the work I did answering those questions.

    I hope there was something in what I've shared that can help you.

    Good luck! Enjoy the journey!

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    You are going to find out soon, if you haven't now, how very similar you are to everyone else. Down to not shaking off the last drop when you pee and thinkin', damn, now I have a quarter-sized wet spot on my underwear. But maybe you aren't there yet. icon_wink.gif

    I'm going on 48 this year. Yes, I'm semi-hot and have aged well. You are so, so young. If I could tell you anything it would be to find a way to understand that all your fears about life are shared by so many. You are never alone. That's why quirky jokes by comedians entertain us.

    Just calm down, look at the sun, go for a hike. Everyone is with you. Enjoy every moment without fear. There is nothing, NOTHING to fear.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    let the closing song from Carousel be your guiding theme: You'll Never Walk Alone . . .

    you really aren't alone or bereft, even though it seems so . . . you have brothers who have blazed and endured these trails before you . . . reach out to them, sing to them
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    Apr 17, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    Unfortunately, so many people project their shame and guilt on to other people instead of dealing with it themselves. After all, it is so much easier to let someone else carry the burden of their problem. It sounds like when you stood up for yourself and forced them to carry their own garbage, they walked away. It happens and it sucks. Problem is, because they did, they left you still carrying it and it's affecting your life. I've found that the hardest thing to do is to believe that no everything is about "you", even though it hurts you. I strive to have compassion for those people, realizing that they are walking through their own life, their own painful journey. Their regrets are what they will have to answer for.

    GAMrican had a great point, I just went through something similar. I equate it to "growing up". In order to move forward with that, you have to grieve the loss of a life you didn't always live for you. Being angry is good, let it ride out. Your inner child is talking to you and he's mad. Yell, scream, beat a foam baseball bat over the sofa. Get it out!! Eventually, you will accept what it was and realize that it's time to stop wasting another moment not living your best life. You have to power to give yourself everything you didn't get up until now.

    safe travels.
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    Apr 17, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I've had some private mails as well as on hete, and I just want to thank you guys for all you said. Its meant a lot.

    I think irs going to take time, and the difficuilty is that I realise that ex gay therapy is cultic.

    The therapy tried to "hint" that I had repressed memories of being sexually abused and wasd left feeling that my sexuality was in someway "broken". Thus you wage war upon yourself.

    One of the other very damaging things was how as a prepubecent kid I played childhood experimentation games with other boys etc, and these ministries hinted I had sexually abused these kids, which wasn't the case but the shame it weighed on me was hideous. Any legitimate therapist I have spoken to says they are talking bullshit.

    The problem is you are taught to not trust yourself, and become fearful of friendships and relationships cos they programme you as being fearful of "emotional dependency".

    As a gay man, I emotionally connect to men, its part of my sexuality$ yet you end up at war with yourself.

    I cannot stress how damaging these ministries are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 17, 2011 3:15 PM GMT
    Eventually, other guys who are escaping those ministries will come here (in the past, others have) and reach out and you'll be able to help them in a way that few of us can. icon_wink.gif

    In the meantime, you have a circle of friends on here to buoy you up when needed. icon_wink.gif (OK someone's going to make a joke out of 'buoy', just wait.)

    -Doug
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Apr 17, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    I hope you're seeking appropriate, gay-friendly therapy to overcome the damage the 'ex-gay therapy' did to you. The mind is a delicate thing and giving yourself to ex-gay therapy is like asking a six year old kid with a hammer to tune-up your Ferrari. You're most likely going to need work to fix the 'work' that's already been done.

    What you're feeling - anger, pain and grief - won't improve your situation. That's easy to say and yet difficult to appreciate. Those emotions can also consume you. But their effect on you is entirely within your control. You can look back over your shoulder and ask 'why me?' or you can look forward and say 'glad that's over. Time to build a better life'.

    You're young enough that you should be able to build a healthy social network. Having NO social network at this moment is infinitely better than having one which demeans you, btw. So, you've already improved things. Remember that some people don't come out until very late in life. And some don't come out at all. You're a good situation.

    I hope you'll find new support soon - both emotionally and socially. Hang in there. The transition is tough but worth it.