How in the hell do you find a guy to date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    I just recently came out and I'm just really frusterated so far at the gay scene here in Texas. I go to school in San Antonio, always am up in Austin, and sometimes visit my parents in Dallas. At the gay clubs there, it seems to be the same thing - guys trying to get into your pants.

    I mean, don't me wrong, I'm all for a great hookup but I'm tired of meeting these awesome guys who I have a lot in common with, hooking up, and never seeing or talking to them again.

    I know that going to a gay club is probably not the best place to meet a guy interested in a relationship - however, I don't know where to go from there.

    I'm 22 now, and it hurts that I've never dated anyone in my life. I'm told I'm very attractive everytime I go out, I'm educated, well traveled, athletic, and funny. Yet, despite this, no one seems to want to date me (just get into my pants).

    But here's what I've learned in the few short months that I've actually been frequenting gay clubs:

    1. Flirt - flirt with as many guys as possible, or just strike up a conversation. Usually, for me atleast, this results in them telling me I'm hot or something and then it goes from there.

    2. Don't say you just came out - otherwise, they'll take advantage of the situation and you.

    3. Don't say you want a relationship - it just makes you seem desperate.

    4. Be confident - almost a little cocky. It can be very attractive.

    5. Go with friends - none of my friends know I'm gay (yet), but I think going with friends increases your social status/value.

    6. Ignore someone you previously hooked up with - because talking to them would just be awkward.

    These things may or may not be accurate for all of you, but they sure have been for me. Basically, I've made a fool out of myself by trying to strike up a convo with a guy I hooked up with, said I just came out, and also said I wanted a relationship.

    I failed with each guy I did this with, and now we no longer talk.

    Help me out guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    I have posted to a few other forum topics on this subject, so for some people this may sound repetitious.

    I find that trying to find a bf is easier if you are in a less sexually charged atmosphere. For example, a gay sports league or gay social organization. I do not know the gay scene in San Antonio but it is likely to have gay softball or volleyball. You may not find guys your own age, but you might make new gay friends and that could open doors to meeting other gay people.

    Volunteer work is another good place to start.

    The bars are not a total write off, I know of at least two couples (23 and 17 years together) that met at a gay bar. It is more difficult though, because a significant number of guys at a bar are there for a one-night stand and are not necessarily actively looking for a relationship.

    I have never met a guy through the internet, I met my partner in 1997 so the hook-up scene was just starting then. It is probably better than the bar scene, but you may be right about saying to a guy that you want a relationship. Not every guy your age wants to commit to a relationship, they are still in the "kid in a candy store" phase. I would recommend trying to get to know the guy first before hitting the sack (maybe you are doing that already I don't know). If a guy is really interested in you he should be willing to wait a little bit.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:25 PM GMT
    Just by chance, if not by getting fixed up by a friend who means well. But I'm not in any rush anymore. I used always think about the day coming when I'd meet a good gay man, but if anything that thinking only clouded me to truth about how horrible the guys I really dated were.

    The 3 times a worthwhile relationships started were when I actually gave up on looking for mr.right and mr.rightnow. I'm not sure about how it works, but no looking and living your life happily everyday 'changes' things, if that makes any sense to you:S.

    And don't lose 'faith' in yourself. Everyone loves at least once, sooner or later. And in my opinion, it is better to have loved and lost; than to have never loved at all. Sure love can be likened to a disease, but it's one that can change you for the better if you manage your relationship to some degree of success.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:28 PM GMT
    When the Times right it will happen so don't fret and it may take a long time but it will as it did with me!
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:38 PM GMT
    I think I've said this before, but this is what I've learned. Stop looking. I used to always be looking for a boyfriend in any guy that I came across when I was younger, and all they ever wanted was a hookup. And guys that I thought wanted a relationship were just looking for extended hookups, and when someone else came along they were happy to jump into another boat. Once I just stopped looking, I met a great guy (and funny enough we met in a gay bar he bartends at). And I actively pursued him and he resisted a lot. When I just held back and let things happen naturally, and worked on getting to know him and know myself, we ended up together. Good things come to those who wait.....
  • badtouch

    Posts: 67

    Apr 02, 2008 6:55 PM GMT
    i don't think college is looking for a pep talk or party line about self-esteem -- though all true, he seems adjusted enough to be already cognizent of these.

    i think his vein of concern falls in line with one i find myself in often. it's not a question of timing, per se, but more about how to initiate a series of kinetics; a person might know it's cold and might know of fire, but if he doesn't know how to start one?

    others might tell you to be patient. others, not me. which is not to say i suggest you go hurling headstrong, but don't sit and wait. i do that, it sucks. haha

    also: if you wink in the subtle, non-creepy way, then use that to your advantage. it's really not as gross as you're probably thinking.

    and be goofy. i think quirks are more memorable. goofy is utterly unique to the individual and the personality. everyone can posess similar components but goofy is how they've been synthesised.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:02 PM GMT
    Well.... you could go on a date with me. I go to school in San Antonio, too. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    I'm not goofy, I think I'm probably a bit more cocky (I mean, wouldn't you be if everytime you go out atleast three people tell you how handsome you are?). Also, for me atleast, I've always found guys who were the right mix of cocky/confident to be very sexy.

    But I guess the whole schematics of gay dating are such that they allude me - to think that I actually wasted time trying to date women, which itself is difficult, but guys are just exponentially more difficult.

    It's not that I'm not meeting guys, it's just that the ones I meet are only interested in hooking up, and once they hook up with me, or attempt to hook up with me, the "relationship" ends.

    When I see guys my age that say they've had multiple boyfriends I get mad because I wonder how the hell they could attract and sustain such relationships.

    I'm very open too, especially in regards to age (I'll date a guy as old as 30). So why is this so hard guys?
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:12 PM GMT
    where do you go to school?
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Apr 02, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    collegestud86: The best piece of advice I can give you right now is to focus on the other guy instead of yourself. Everything I read in your post is really all about you, and that direction never leads toward anyone else.

    Consider that you perceive everyone wants to get in YOUR pants. You don't want to come across as recently out. You try to act cocky. You are afraid of situations that cause you to feel awkward.

    You, you, you.

    See the pattern here? It really helps if you stop making yourself the center of all your efforts and attentions, and focus on whomever you meet instead. What is it about him that's interesting? What could you learn from him?

    For example: your profile is scarce, but if I met you I would want to know more about what you're studying in school. What do you like about Texas? You mentioned your family--are you out to them yet or not?

    Take a look at badtouch's profile: He likes movies and going to museums. If I were going out with him I'd wanna ask about the last film he saw and his favorite works at his favorite museum.

    This kinda stuff inevitably leads to more conversation, which in turn leads people to open up about their lives, which gives each of you the opportunity to see if there is truly a connection.

    Where you meet men is less important than striking up a conversation and seeing where it goes.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:18 PM GMT
    collegestud86 saidWhen I see guys my age that say they've had multiple boyfriends I get mad because I wonder how the hell they could attract and sustain such relationships.


    I Think people like to throw the word boyfriend around. They probably mean they had a boyfriend for 1-2 months when initially they were still starting to get to know eachother and then something poped up that they didn't like, drugs, etc... Least that's my opinion. I wouldn't think anything of it or let it provoke you to jealousy.
    I've only had one long relationship. I would love to have another, but I guess i'm not proactively seeking for it anymore. Just be open to it when it comes down the road.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 8:55 PM GMT
    lol... i sent him a message trying to start up a conversation and got no reply icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 9:19 PM GMT
    I'm sure he will..... in due time! icon_twisted.gif

    I think it is hard to find a date in the gay community though. Hard for me because I don't go out much and i'm usually at the gym, work, or studying. Makes it hard to meet people and when I do hit the clubs (I'm open to meeting someone cool, but i don't have expectations of meeting him at the club/bar) I go with my friends for a good time and company.

    ..........and i'm shy at first haha!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    me too...

    i work two jobs (about 40 hours a week combined), go to school full time (15 hours), i'm president of my business frat, and working out.

    besides, san antonio has no quality guys icon_sad.gif at least that's what it feels like
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    u dont! thats the problem..u just dont..especially when u live in a small town and barely have time for urself even
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 9:31 PM GMT
    I'm starting to meet some. Started with a co-worker who introducted me to his school friends and pretty much going upward from there. Went out to the club and he brought some school friends, then we went out to eat afterwards. They're a kick to be around and REALLY random which i like. Went kite flying in 40 degree weather the other day with them. It was a blast.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 10:14 PM GMT
    Welp I think there are many great guys out there, online or even at the bars. Try not to flirt too much because that only sets up for games. Try to meet people doing an activity that you like...(in my case) maybe at an art function, rock climbing wall, among friends.

    Try not to cylce between guys like yesterday's clothes. I think that makes you jaded or unwilling to compromise or stick it through. I know many gorgeous single guys in this situation, they are so used to discarding people because of minor imperfections. And trust me, they are not perfect either.

    There will always be guys who just wanna get into your pants only, at first its nice but it gets boring quick. I usually can scope them out because that's all they have, their physicality. No other dimensions to them, boring. I find guys who are attentive, passionate, articulate and adventerous much more compelling.

    If you get a partner, the key is to grow to love their imperfections. Know what you want physically, but also know what can override that.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2008 4:39 PM GMT
    There are all sorts of methods and resources. I volunteer for Equality Toledo and met a guy there.
    I go to a bar and meet guys there, and on occasion I meet guys on the internet. I go to bath houses and meet lots of guys there. I've met a few guys at the gym too.
    I think that the main thing is to find a subtle way of letting guys know you're available and interested. The rest just happens. Also it's a good idea to be friendly and approachable. There's so much uncertainty out there.
    I know it's old fashioned but, I use flagging. I wear an orange handkerchief visibly protuding from my left back pocket. It eliminates the guess work.



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    Apr 07, 2008 4:45 PM GMT
    John43620 saidThere are all sorts of methods and resources. I volunteer for Equality Toledo and met a guy there.
    I go to a bar and meet guys there, and on occasion I meet guys on the internet. I go to bath houses and meet lots of guys there. I've met a few guys at the gym too.
    I think that the main thing is to find a subtle way of letting guys know you're available and interested. The rest just happens. Also it's a good idea to be friendly and approachable. There's so much uncertainty out there.
    I know it's old fashioned but, I use flagging. I wear an orange handkerchief visibly protuding from my left back pocket. It eliminates the guess work.


    Hankies OMG takes me back to the seventies? They still around? Black Red White etc?


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 07, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    LOL... That list my man has GOT to go

    sounds more like you're preppin' for a golf game than tryin' to meet guys

    forget the rules just be yourself
    do what you LIKE to do
    and when you're happy with yourself and enjoying your life guys will become attracted to that and to you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 07, 2008 9:00 PM GMT
    Finding someone to date isn't really that hard. Finding the RIGHT guy to date can be the tricky part! As other have said, stop looking! I don't know why, and I didn't believe it when people told me the same thing, but when you stop looking people appear out of nowhere!
    Texas can be a tough place to find people to date. I lived in San Antonio for 3 years and have to agree with Txguy1605 that San Antonio is sorely lacking in quality guys. There are a few but its a pretty conservative closeted city. Austin has a much better pool. Better educated, more fitness minded, more liberal than the rest of Texas. I made some great friends up there. There are some great guys from Austin on here. Have you tried chatting with them? Most of all don't get overly frustrated! It will happen when its supposed to..at least thats what I keep telling myself. HAHA.
    My last piece of advice...don't come to Rhode Island looking for people to date. HAHA. Met some nice people, but the dateable pool is pretty lacking here.
  • Gio9909

    Posts: 7

    Sep 07, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    neverfollow86 saidI just recently came out and I'm just really frusterated so far at the gay scene here in Texas. I go to school in San Antonio, always am up in Austin, and sometimes visit my parents in Dallas. At the gay clubs there, it seems to be the same thing - guys trying to get into your pants.

    I mean, don't me wrong, I'm all for a great hookup but I'm tired of meeting these awesome guys who I have a lot in common with, hooking up, and never seeing or talking to them again.

    I know that going to a gay club is probably not the best place to meet a guy interested in a relationship - however, I don't know where to go from there.

    I'm 22 now, and it hurts that I've never dated anyone in my life. I'm told I'm very attractive everytime I go out, I'm educated, well traveled, athletic, and funny. Yet, despite this, no one seems to want to date me (just get into my pants).

    But here's what I've learned in the few short months that I've actually been frequenting gay clubs:

    1. Flirt - flirt with as many guys as possible, or just strike up a conversation. Usually, for me atleast, this results in them telling me I'm hot or something and then it goes from there.

    2. Don't say you just came out - otherwise, they'll take advantage of the situation and you.

    3. Don't say you want a relationship - it just makes you seem desperate.

    4. Be confident - almost a little cocky. It can be very attractive.

    5. Go with friends - none of my friends know I'm gay (yet), but I think going with friends increases your social status/value.

    6. Ignore someone you previously hooked up with - because talking to them would just be awkward.

    These things may or may not be accurate for all of you, but they sure have been for me. Basically, I've made a fool out of myself by trying to strike up a convo with a guy I hooked up with, said I just came out, and also said I wanted a relationship.

    I failed with each guy I did this with, and now we no longer talk.

    Help me out guys!




    Go to other places and get out ot Texas.....Sometimes when you travel more, you have more chances of finding someone who is interested in what you're looking for........
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    Just posted this in another thread. in texas here myself:
    "As a guy who just came out myself i can totally understand where you are coming from. It feels almost impossible to find the guys you would like to date. All I can advice is you can't look too hard. just enjoy meeting new people online, at bars, make some friends and meet their friends. somewhere along the line you'll find the one you are looking for. Just don't be in the mindset that you need to date someone tomorrow. You should be perfectly happy being single before you can date someone with substance else you'll just find yourself settling for the first guy that comes along. Just my take on it."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    Have you tried picking up men at bathhouses? You can always find very high quality guys in there. Best yet, you already know how good they are in bed because you know they've had A LOT of practice. icon_biggrin.gif

    i'm kidding obviously
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 09, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    hommiegee said
    yalemarine saidI think I've said this before, but this is what I've learned. Stop looking...


    Easy for you to say, if everyone in the world is gay then finding a partner comes to you easily and naturally. No guy is going to hit you on public, because 99% of them are straight. You have to make the move, and if you hit on them and they're straight I'm sure you'll offend.


    Hommiegee you are a fucking idiot. Please stop posting. You contribute nothing of value to these forums.

    Kthnxbie!