Would you walk away from your career,home,community and lifestyle for Mr.Right?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:01 AM GMT
    O.K. guys-

    This decision is tormenting me more than I ever imagined.
    Let's start with my partner. He's wonderful in every way. Our relationship has been positive and rewarding for five great years. The glitch... it's been long distance. (175 miles.) He lives in the city and I live in a small ski town. We have a home in both places. We are talking about making a life long committment. He is tired of the distance and has set "a deadline of end of 08 to be together (Or NOT)." In his words, "Anywhere but where I'm living currently." Small town. Too much snow/ winter /no gay scene etc.
    I've been in this community for 15 years, enjoying the mountains, biking, skiing, great friends, friendly community and most importantly an amazing career and employer. I've been offered ownership in the company and have tremendous future potential in terms of career opportunity and financial compensation. Something extremely difficult to recreate somewhere else. Obviously the distance needs to be closed. Everyone says we are meant to be together. I agree. But the thought of having to start over from ground zero when I have my eye on retirement is daunting.
    Would you make the move? Start over with someone more open to mountain living? Go back to being single and free? Maintain current situation for a few more years hoping for big boost into the next phase?
    I'd love to hear some objective thoughts and opinions. Thanks fellas-
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:48 AM GMT
    Only you can decide whether to go one direction or the other......career over guy. I've been where you are - and I chose the career/financial compensation route. Sad mistake. Losing a great guy over more money has been the mistake of a lifetime. What am I going to do with the money? It has to be given away anyway - I'll never have any children. I wish I'd not put money and a career move over someone I'd loved so much. Maybe I'll someday find someone great like he was - and maybe not. People are much more important than a little more money, to me. Too bad it took me so long to figure it out.
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:52 AM GMT
    Ouch. I don't envy your predicament.

    I think your words were pretty telling though. You wonder what your retired life will be like without the financial gains you could have made.

    Now ask yourself what your retired life would be like without the love of your life.

    I'd rather be poor and loved, than rich and alone.

    (Not that you would remain alone, but you said yourself the town has no gay scene.)

    Also, does your partner have some fantastic career he doesn't want to leave? If he refuses to live in your small town rather than being with you, then that might make me question his affection. It sounds as if he expects YOU to make the sacrifice for your relationship, but he has no intention of sacrificing anything.

    You leaving a great job is a little more involved than him moving to a place he doesn't really like. Your sacrifice sounds much more grave a proposition than his. But then, I'm sure there's more to it. It's never that cut and dried.

    I pity your decision, friend. Good luck with a very hard decision. icon_confused.gif
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:53 AM GMT
    Speaking as a business owner, I honestly would choose a relationship over my firm in a few heartbeats. But as Jockbod said, only you know for sure what's best for you. Good luck, choosing between two wonderful things can really suck.
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:59 AM GMT
    God that's awful. I hope you can work it out.

    I guess it bothers me that your BF is insisting that you move...it doesn't seem fair.
    My advice is to see what other opportunities may be out there for you professionally. Sometimes having a great career mapped out for you just means you're good and you're going to have a great career, wherever you go. There are lots of ski resorts and bigger, more cosmopolitan ski towns. If you look you just might find a more lucrative or desireable deal than the one you have.

    I think it's also possible that your relationship may have to be sacrificed for your career. I hate to be negative, but acknowledging that there may not be a workable compromise is important.

    So, if you're relatively close to retirement, see if you can get him to accept a finite term in your current location and let him pick your next one. Or think about keeping both homes and dividing your time between them together.

    Good luck!





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    Well, I would never sacrifice a relationship for a career, but that's because I hate working. There's plenty of stuff I'd rather be doing. I'd move pretty much anywhere with the right guy if I could be a housewife.icon_smile.gif I would need to know that he would do the same for me though, if I really wanted it. Why is it you that needs to make the move? I also hate ultimatums. Tough choice bud.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:32 AM GMT
    If your guy is the one in the pictures, you are a great couple, VGL icon_biggrin.gif

    I have questions:

    You like to travel as a couple, is his expensive wonderlust going to dissipate if you move to a hip gay city? Nothing like making your lifestyle more expensive and then still having to travel to 'get your fix' of adventure.

    He says "anywhere but where I'm living currently?" If he wants to move so you can be together, have him move to your sleepy little town for at least a couple years. Call it the price he has to pay to get you to dump your career. A) it gets you both out of the 175 mile commute, b) you get a chance to live together full time, c) he gets a change to develop some roots in little-town, d) you can test the partnership option to see if they are serious or not. He may come to like your lifestyle a bit better after it grows on him. That city lifestyle he loves so much - how about getting a small house in the nearest big city with the great gay scene. Spend the two years travelling there constantly to develop connections in business and the 'gay scene'. Blow some money and time doing the travel and research. If at the end of 2 years, you haven't found a job or friends enough in the big city to make it an easier decision, delay the move. Keep building roots in that big city or select another one and give it two years.

    He's asking you to go from everything to nothing. It's too much.

    When conducting life, I recommend transition. The older and more successful you are, the more transition it takes.

    Good luck.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:35 AM GMT
    OHhiker saidIf your guy is the one in the pictures, you are a great couple, VGL icon_biggrin.gif

    I have questions:

    You like to travel as a couple, is his expensive wonderlust going to dissipate if you move to a hip gay city? Nothing like making your lifestyle more expensive and then still having to travel to 'get your fix' of adventure.

    He says "anywhere but where I'm living currently?" If he wants to move so you can be together, have him move to your sleepy little town for at least a couple years. Call it the price he has to pay to get you to dump your career. A) it gets you both out of the 175 mile commute, b) you get a chance to live together full time, c) he gets a change to develop some roots in little-town, d) you can test the partnership option to see if they are serious or not. He may come to like your lifestyle a bit better after it grows on him. That city lifestyle he loves so much - how about getting a small house in the nearest big city with the great gay scene. Spend the two years travelling there constantly to develop connections in business and the 'gay scene'. Blow some money and time doing the travel and research. If at the end of 2 years, you haven't found a job or friends enough in the big city to make it an easier decision, delay the move. Keep building roots in that big city or select another one and give it two years.

    He's asking you to go from everything to nothing. It's too much.

    When conducting life, I recommend transition. The older and more successful you are, the more transition it takes.

    Good luck.


    Yeah... what HE said.

    Absolutely fantastic advice, OHhiker!
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:36 AM GMT
    str8hardbody saidNOPE.. he can move with me where Im have everything in life. My bf is moving w/ me on May cause I got mroe than him house, good career, all the luxury in life here in LA. He is moving form Canada. If he doesn't want it I'll find someone else.


    Well.. THAT sounds... sweet. Way to compromise.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:40 AM GMT
    Good feedback- Thanks guys.
    In all fairness to my man...(He is the one in the profile photo.) He has been consistant since the beginning about not ever wanting to move here. And despite that, our first home purchase was made together where I'm living. A big sacrifice and committment on his part. I always said that either we would have to relocate somewhere together or I would have to move to his city. The confusion came in the last year when we we're both offered ownership in our respective employment situations. I completely understand the love over money arguement. I have several clients who lack nothing materially or financially but are constantly trying to fill the void in their life where they would like to have a committed loving relationship. It seems to overshadow all of there wealth. This arguement seems glaringly clear from an outsiders perspective. But when you're the one actually giving up the financial gains and security the clarity fades a bit.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:40 AM GMT
    str*hardbody - you live in LA. If this bf doesn't work out, you have lots of local prospects. And lots of long distance prospect who might love moving to the big city lured by your lifestyle. It's different for Explorer in a little mountain town.
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    Apr 03, 2008 1:56 AM GMT
    Sounds like you know the love over money theory, but you can't buy into it yet as a matter of practicality.

    I'm going to stick to my guns on a transition plan. His timeline for end of 08 needs to be negotiated. Don't make it time based, make it goal based. Before you give up your career, you need to have the following in place
    1) identify the big city
    2) identify the neighborhood you'll live in - do some house shopping
    3) he moves there first and gets settles with job that makes it worth the trouble - you continue your long distance relationship - it can't be much different than how it is now
    4) you find a job in the new location that inspires you to make the move - or start your own business.

    Boyfriend can talk about deadlines when 1-3 are done. If you are both being offered partnerships - you are good at business. You have a bit of a pessimistic view of whether you can re-create your business success in another location. YOU CAN. It might even be more lucrative in the big city.
  • nv7_

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    Apr 03, 2008 2:05 AM GMT
    str8hardbody saidNOPE.. he can move with me where Im have everything in life. My bf is moving w/ me on May cause I got mroe than him house, good career, all the luxury in life here in LA. He is moving form Canada. If he doesn't want it I'll find someone else.


    Wow, that's true love. If he is anything like you, I think he is gonna figure a way to rob you blind, and leave you hangin, although that's just a guess.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 03, 2008 2:07 AM GMT
    I agree... small steady steps... same as you've done for 5 years now. Why should either individual make the big sacrifice? Why would either of you let the other take the major risk alone?

    If you want to be together you need to make a transition plan TOGETHER. Base the plan on goals; "timetable" is secondary.

    GOOD LUCK and happy dreaming... TOGETHER.
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    Apr 03, 2008 2:11 AM GMT
    Dear Explorer,

    I would call this the Hooterville - Green Acres scenario except for the fact that Gsa Gsa was asked to give up her penthouse view. With a 175 mile commute from Steamboat Springs we aren't talking the sacrifice of glittering urbanity and cultural stimulation for milking cows, not really.

    The most bothersome thing is the ultimatum. If you don't do A then I will be forced to do B. Most people don't react well to that and it sounds like you do very well to think carefully.

    All relationships have sacrifices built in. It isn't that those sacrifices are economic, geographic, sexual, cultural, or whatever else but rather that they are somehow mutual. The idea is that the sum of us is more than what I am on my own and more than what my partner is on his own.

    Our relationship is an entity that stands on its own two feet. Sometimes I think of it as a coal powered locomotive and we both have to stand there and shovel coal to keep the f--ker on the tracks.

    I have two friends in Manhattan who were in a committed relationship but lived apart for 13 years. I thought, well this is just retarded. Anyone would have predicted that this would end badly.

    Then something happened and they both moved downtown together. They are happy in a Manhattan kind of way (where happiness has its quota of misery).

    As you know, in business one is always thinking of opportunity costs. The cost of seizing an opportunity and the cost of not seizing an opportunity are the factors to be weighed.

    I gather you have worked hard to get where you are. A late career restart is not an easy thing to do (and ever more). The same is true for your partner.

    It sounds like you both have good reasons, damned good reasons, to justify a long-distance relationship. Furthermore, it doesn't sound like there is an underlying motivating factor to provoke drastic ultimata other than ennui and wistful dreaming about what a perfect relationship "should be".

    If you think that a perfect relationship doesn't exist and that everyone draws compromises (many of which don't seem functional or possible to others - especially on websites and chat forums) then it follows that the problem in your relationship might not really be anything to do with geography.

    I get the sensation from reading your words that this is an episodic and chronic problem, an annoyance of distance, and a talisman for other things that you might not wish to discuss.

    If you chuck your career in the bin you will regret it. The fact that you have to ask the question is enough to tell me that this career really matters to you. It sounds as if your partner would regret an equivalent decision to chuck his career.

    My thought is that this action, in either direction, would have disastrous consequences.

    If you say that living together is the most important thing then I would say so be it. However, in that case I would say that you both ought to make the same sacrifice. Therefore rather than him moving to Steamboat or you moving to Denver you both pack it up and head for Mammoth, or Seattle, or Manhattan, or St. Moritz.

    At least at that point you have made a radical change that you share. The new adventure is something you equally share.

    The other thing is to find a way to live with what you have.

    I don't want to live in Italy anymore (long story). We have been looking around the South of France because it reminds me a little bit of Texas and a little bit of California. I have more or less cut a deal with my Italian clients to give me a little plane and a pilot. That makes a two hour commute out of what is a 7 hour drive.

    This means living apart a little more than we do now but on terms we like a lot (my partner loves the country and would love to have a big spread in the country).

    Your both good at business so your both good at compromise (I assume). That is a skill that serves you well now.

    Options:

    1. Suck it up and find a way to make your commute as tolerable as possible
    2. Consider partial working compromises (i.e. half time, flex time, etc. that bring you together for longer periods)
    3. Make a unilateral sacrifice and risk tanking your career and your relationship (resentment builds up and that SUCKS).
    4. Chuck the whole thing, both of you, and move to St. Moritz. Have a life adventure together (by the way I have a friend who is opening a ski resort in Nepal if you want a real adventure).

    I wish you all the best. Being with your love is great and it is a whole heap of work. Sometimes the payoff just ain't obvious, and sometimes it ain't there. This doesn't sound like your situation.

    Good luck
    Terry
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    Apr 03, 2008 2:15 AM GMT
    Given the EXTREMELY short life of the relationships that my friends of mine have had (on average 4 months or less) I'm going to have to say a definate NO! Maybe I'm being a little too compulsive...or maybe I need new friends icon_confused.gif
  • auryn

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    Apr 03, 2008 2:40 AM GMT
    Hmmmm, money or love; money or love. Sure you can find another guy or even another job. If he's that important, do your research. Check to see what your career options are. Be informed and be aware. Sometimes things don't work out so your trepidation is normal.

    You're at an age where all that you've worked for is important. I don't envy you. But remember, a 401k can be turned into an IRA or transferred to a new job.
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    Apr 03, 2008 3:02 AM GMT
    str8hardbody saidMy bf is moving w/ me on May cause I got mroe than him house, good career, all the luxury in life here in LA. He is moving form Canada. If he doesn't want it I'll find someone else.


    Nice to know you're so caring and empathetic.
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    Apr 03, 2008 3:05 AM GMT
    Sounds like you know the love over money theory, but you can't buy into it yet as a matter of practicality.

    You hit it OHhiker! Love is everything! But you still have to pay the bills in this game called life. And in terms of being able to achieve success all over again... I can. In all honesty, I just don't look forward to all the hard work and difficulty of doing it over. it took 14 years the first time. And I'll be leaving my current situation just as I hit "Easy street. " I think the timing of everything is complicating the situation. It's awesome having the R.J. crew to bounce things off of though!
    Ursa Major hits on some key points too. We've actually spent quite a bit of time and energy looking for places that we would we could restart bilaterally. Portland, and Hawaii have gotten the most consideration. Both have drawbacks. I personally cast my vote for maintaining what we have despite the distance. We maintain a relationship that has worked for 5 years. We keep 2 great careers. We maintain all the assets. We travel often and party together the way we always have. etc. I proposed this and that's when I got the ultimatum. The frustrating thing is that this is not to go on ad infinitum. My boss has indicated just 5 more years could make all the difference for me financially. It seems worth it to me. Looks like I have to beef up my negotiating skills. Thanks for listening crew!
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    Apr 03, 2008 3:06 AM GMT
    I wouldn't do it. Certain decisions should be about YOU, not a HIM or an US. Romance can only sustain so much.
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    Apr 03, 2008 3:07 AM GMT
    Interesting situation you are in.
    A few comments have been pretty good so far. A few guys, well their advice kinda isnt really advice though.

    If this is truly the man for you, you'll make the right decision.

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    Apr 03, 2008 4:32 AM GMT
    I gave up a promising start in a nice city for my honey. Five years later, we had a vacation together (in that city) and he said, Why did you leave this place, and I said, To be with you.

    Let's move here, he said.

    If he's mister right, make the move. Your career can wait.
  • qalbi30

    Posts: 116

    Apr 03, 2008 5:38 AM GMT
    Other members have given you really good advice,may I add a comment,love can be a illusion,especially when one is young and the heart tries to rule the head.

    You sound as if you have a wonderful life,remember what time and effort you have put in to get were you are.

    With the best will in the world relationships can turn sour and if and when you are together all the time,it could be different.

    What ever you decide to do I wish you well.

    Regards,R.
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    Apr 03, 2008 5:42 AM GMT
    My answer is NO! It takes two to Tango if he wants you you can compromise and mov e somewhere to suit you both somewhere in between maybe and who knows what happens if you split? Give it Time!!!!!!!!!
  • NickoftheNort...

    Posts: 1416

    Apr 03, 2008 6:29 AM GMT
    Do your finances allow you to keep your "small ski town" home and possibly rent it out?

    One way of graduating your move and allowing you to test the "other side" before burning your metaphorical bridge is to keep that connection. Look into the renting possibilities in your area, decide on what items to bring, store, and rent out with your home, and give yourself time to adjust (if you decide to move).

    What has your boyfriend suggested or offered in terms of job-related opportunities where he lives? Giving up your career and its potential is significant (especially in terms of your own financial security) and he'd better have something that won't leave you hanging to dry.

    Disclaimer: I am thus far not relationship-oriented and more of a loner type of person. I like the sense of independence and the ability to move as I please. Hence, I may not be someone you'd want to take advice from.

    As for myself and what I would theoretically do in your situation: 1) I'd first analyze why *he* was giving me an ultimatum as opposed to saying that the long distance is taking a toll on the relationship on his part. 2) Consider what thoughts or suggestions my boyfriend offered me regarding my future employment opportunities. He'd better have offered something more than "we'll work that out once you're here." 3) Check out that particular citylife on a few months' basis and see whether I felt that I could fit in.

    ...or just read through UrsaMajor's post ;-)