Starting to think gay guys my age expect perfection

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Apr 19, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    If you do not have literally a perfect body, smile, teeth, voice, chin etc, aka they seem to find the smallest flaw and use it to write someone else off. The person could be amazing, but never give them a chance. I know my sister is the same way at times; however, plenty of heterosexual couples in college manage to couple and they are definitely less than perfect. However, 99% (hyperbole) of gay guys I've met in college actively complain about being single and also actively try to find (or invent) the smallest flaws to dismiss someone else as a potential mate. I'm not sure how accurate my assessment is, but it seems kinda silly and also bothers me, or else I wouldn't be posting this. Discuss!
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    Apr 19, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    I'm just waiting for Adobe to create a version of Photoshop that works on real people instead of pictures.
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    Apr 19, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    i know what you mean.

    i think it's a stage of development issue

    because the emotional adolescence for gay men tends to occur later, they often behave more like consumers than like people with lives. it's very much like high school. they don't have the same pressures of expecting to marry or impending babies to worry about.

    i don't think it's that they expect perfection, but that's an excuse used to extend this shopping period. when it comes down to it, perfection takes huge amounts of work to maintain and that time takes away from a relationship

    strangely, when people are emotionally ready to bond, perfection isn't an issue. you're either compatible or not
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 19, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    gay guys in their 20's and 30's want (seldom found) perfection.

    gay guys in their 40's and 50's realize that perfection is seldom found and learn to live with reality.


    "life IS a compromise"


    the older i get, the more i realize this.
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Apr 19, 2011 4:44 PM GMT
    BambinoRex saidi know what you mean.

    i think it's a stage of development issue

    because the emotional adolescence for gay men tends to occur later, they often behave more like consumers than like people with lives. it's very much like high school. they don't have the same pressures of expecting to marry or impending babies to worry about.

    i don't think it's that they expect perfection, but that's an excuse used to extend this shopping period. when it comes down to it, perfection takes huge amounts of work to maintain and that time takes away from a relationship

    strangely, when people are emotionally ready to bond, perfection isn't an issue. you're either compatible or not


    I do like this refinement +5. Adds some points mine wasn't completely clear on.
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    Apr 19, 2011 4:54 PM GMT
    tangent: sometimes people regardless of age create walls to protect themselves. i told a story yesterday in another thread about a friend who was ready to marry when he was 31 and newly out. i was 20. i "wasn't ready to settle down" so we were just friends. however, 18 months prior i had been very very serious about a young man i had brought home to meet my dad, etc. really thought it would work out. um...it didn't. i spent a long time licking my wounds after that one. my friend didn't know that. i didn't disclose it. if someone had asked me, i probably would have talked about some imaginary shopping list, but in fact no one would have gotten close to me. again, gay men aren't given the luxury of regularly scheduled adolescence so they often lack the social coping skills that are taught to their straight counterparts.
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    Apr 19, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    Well, you are too tall and too hairless, but I wouldn't kick you out on a Tuesday night.

    ... if I could still get to sleep by 10.
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    Apr 19, 2011 7:58 PM GMT
    There is no such thing as "perfection." The concept goes out the window when someone's horny. You'd be surprised how many perfection-obsessed gay guys fuck big duds in private--they just won't acknowledge it publicly.
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    Apr 19, 2011 8:11 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThere is no such thing as "perfection." The concept goes out the window when someone's horny. You'd be surprised how many perfection-obsessed gay guys fuck big duds in private--they just won't acknowledge it publicly.


    in the straight world, i believe the concept is called "hogging"

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    Apr 19, 2011 8:15 PM GMT
    BambinoRex said
    because the emotional adolescence for gay men tends to occur later, they often behave more like consumers than like people with lives. it's very much like high school. they don't have the same pressures of expecting to marry or impending babies to worry about.


    Dan Savage has a theory that gay guys only start their real emotional development when they come out or (if later) when they move to an environment where there are actual numbers of out gay men - the theory being that even if you're out on high school or earlier the odds are small that there are other out gay guys and even if there are, smaller odds that there are enough of them to find someone you are attracted to.

    So, say a straight guy starts opposite-sex flirting at age 13. Most gay guys wouldn't even start maturing emotionally until they hit 18 and get out of the house, or later if their coming out is delayed.
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    Apr 19, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    there's a similar theory for med students. because they basically have no life at all outside of school. there are other types of disciplines that have similar outcomes, but it's not exactly the same because they are things you choose.
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    Apr 19, 2011 8:41 PM GMT
    Come on, everyone knows that the basis of a successful long-term relationship is finding a guy with the perfect body, smile, teeth, voice and chin. There's nothing like snuggling up to a perfect set of teeth, even if the guy is a lying, cheating, shallow self-absorbed jackass
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    Apr 19, 2011 9:09 PM GMT
    Welcome to the ages of 18-24.
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    Apr 19, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    Maybe you need to stop hanging out or trying to date pretentious suburban/uber urban gay guys and look beyond that.

    I don't believe in this whole "gay gays want perfection." I don't have perfect teeth or have a brand new BMW but I've gotten with lots of fine guys over the years who others would think they're close to perfect.

    Then again too, I tend to date guys who are 25 and up...

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    Apr 20, 2011 3:35 AM GMT
    cold said
    BambinoRex said
    [...]
    because the emotional adolescence for gay men tends to occur later, they often behave more like consumers than like people with lives.

    icon_eek.gif I thought you were 22-24...
    But, on topic, that probably hits the nail on the head.

    The only thing I can add is - I think part of the dilemma is that it's easy to sound dismissive when you don't have much to choose from. For example, say you much prefer chocolate ice cream over any other flavour. You go out with your friend, but the store only has vanilla and strawberry. He's chuffed to get strawberry, but you decline and decide to give it a miss as you'd prefer to not indulge unless you're going to have something that you'd really enjoy. You now sound picky. BUT, if the store had stocked chocolate ice cream, you would have bought that and this issue would have never arisen. I'm not justifying this search for perfection, but I think it's just more obvious for gays because there's less chance for you to find something you like.



    22-24? LOL..... you're quite a comedian.

    in this example, it assumes you've already had all of the flavors AND that all versions of the flavors can safely be assumed to be the same. if i'd only ever had crappy milk chocolate candy and turned it down based on that, i'd never have developed a love for dark chocolate. however, since this search for perfection tends to focus on the external, it might be more appropriate to compare it to label shopping...where people won't consider items without certain labels, even if they are the exact same products made for lower end stores, and the only difference is the label. there is no other difference. that's not the same as say "i didn't want those jeans because they were not low rise like i like"...it's more similar to saying "i only wear versace jeans...and won't wear anything else, even if it's the same product without the label"
  • Jayjames

    Posts: 321

    Apr 20, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    Everybody's looking for something, everybody is stupid,stupid! - Madonna
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    Apr 20, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Studinprogress saidIf you do not have literally a perfect body, smile, teeth, voice, chin etc, aka they seem to find the smallest flaw and use it to write someone else off. The person could be amazing, but never give them a chance. I know my sister is the same way at times; however, plenty of heterosexual couples in college manage to couple and they are definitely less than perfect. However, 99% (hyperbole) of gay guys I've met in college actively complain about being single and also actively try to find (or invent) the smallest flaws to dismiss someone else as a potential mate. I'm not sure how accurate my assessment is, but it seems kinda silly and also bothers me, or else I wouldn't be posting this. Discuss!



    Sometimes searching for what's wrong with someone is one's defense against potential intimacy - sometimes it's a projection of a narcicssistic wish. Sometimes they are just dicks icon_smile.gif

    Forgive the clinical blurb but I have treated enough gay men to see this behavior parading through my office too often to dismiss as coincidence.
  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Apr 20, 2011 3:51 AM GMT
    rnch saidgay guys in their 20's and 30's want (seldom found) perfection.

    gay guys in their 40's and 50's realize that perfection is seldom found and learn to live with reality.


    "life IS a compromise"


    the older i get, the more i realize this.


    I don't understand why you should have to compromise for something you want, i mean thats the same as saying hey go ahead and settle because they are decent even though they arn't your mr. right.

    I am not saying you need to seek perfection but you need to find the right relationship that you want and are happy in.
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    Apr 20, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    In my experience it's attractive, in shape 30 somethings for whom NOBODY is good enough for them.
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    Apr 20, 2011 4:01 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidIn my experience it's attractive, in shape 30 somethings for whom NOBODY is good enough for them.


    preach girl. icon_confused.gif
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Apr 20, 2011 4:12 AM GMT
    One of the great movie lines of all time. I think the title is Lonely Hearts Club. Starring character says "I'm a six living in a town full of nines, all looking for an 11." That sums up the gay world perfectly.
  • Jayjames

    Posts: 321

    Apr 20, 2011 4:14 AM GMT
    B71115 saidOne of the great movie lines of all time. I think the title is Lonely Hearts Club. Starring character says "I'm a six living in a town full of nines, all looking for an 11." That sums up the gay world perfectly.





    Great quote
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    Apr 20, 2011 4:14 AM GMT
    B71115 saidOne of the great movie lines of all time. I think the title is Lonely Hearts Club. Starring character says "I'm a six living in a town full of nines, all looking for an 11." That sums up the gay world perfectly.


    Except they only think they're nines. They're more like 7.5's in the right light.
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    Apr 20, 2011 4:17 AM GMT
    I'll never be one of the Heathers.icon_sad.gif
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Apr 20, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    I have thought the same thing

    I've noticed this train of thought in my own perceptions of people and I'm trying to tone it down and allow myself to be more open in regards to who I allow myself to be interested in romantically lately

    I actually had a group of friends who I don't socialize with as much now, but after I had some distance from them I just thought "Wow, at that rate their fears of never finding a boyfriend will come true if they don't start giving people a chance!"