therapeutic but not therapy

  • Crushed

    Posts: 5

    Apr 20, 2011 1:20 PM GMT

    just wanted to hide most of this. didn't know how to hide >
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    Apr 20, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    ok, i'll bite.

    i guess my question would be how you and your partner draw your own personal lines on your exclusivity. it sounds like you made a new friend, felt the crush of friendly infatuation, knowing it couldn't go anywhere. that's actually nice. your partner can do many things, but he can't be brand new again, and you sound like you're conscious and handling it like an adult.

    what i'm not clear on is why it matters if your new friend and his partner have a 3rd occasionally. it's not for me, personally, but for some people it seems to work out well (within clear boundaries). if you were never going to cross that line, isn't it irrelevant? if you had considered crossing that line, wouldn't you need to know what chose clear boundaries are? maybe they are not clear, in which case, i'd steer super clear of them. but if they are clear (like maybe they just want to watch...or something)

    can you not be friends with someone just because there is a vibe between the 2 of you? are you afraid you would act on it? that he would?

    i'm not sure i see the point of giving up a friend just because you had what is effectively a crush.

    someone mentioned the 80/20 rule and it sounds like an example of this, but you're smart enough to realize where your 80 is


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    Apr 20, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    i can't share either, so i understand.

    so you had a fantasy, a crush. you weren't going to act on it, so why does it matter that he exhibited something that was outside your taste? is it because you think he was soliciting for a 3rd with you? is it because you were looking at the crush as the next possible mate?

    it's kinda like saying "i can't watch this bottom in porn anymore, because i found out he's versatile in real life..and all my fantasies of him were of him as a bottom".

    it's not really relevant.

    in some ways, emotional infidelity is harder to take than physical. you've developed a crush on a 3rd. you haven't acted on it, but it's taken more energy out of you than if you'd had a 30 minute one time tryst from craigslist. that's energy that could have gone elsewhere. but technically, you would have still been faithful. that's what i mean by where you as a couple draw your lines.

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    Apr 20, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    it's really funny you would mention this because i have something similar. i'm single, and have a very good friend in a LTR that flirts with me. i do like him. but i'm a one-man man and the fact that he'd step out on his current situation tells me he's not for me. also, i'm just the 20 he isn't getting (80/20). if i followed through, where would i be? i know him too well for it to be a casual fling. i'd be stuck being the "other man/piece on the side" which wouldn't meet might own emotional needs. and sex is not that important. anyway, i've kept it purely friendly and less playfully flirty than i would normally be with anyone else. it makes me a bit uncomfortable.

    so....back to you:

    did you discuss your goals with your bf when you got together? if so, did they change? if he is the 80% you are getting, what would life be like without him and on your own? could you be happy just on your own? they say we can't be happy with others until we are happy alone.

    sometimes when the other party won't make an effort, it's a passive aggressive way of rejecting you. is that possible? certainly, you see that often in legal marriage, once someone has you contractually obligated, they stop making an effort. even passive rejection is still rejection and if you're not calling him on it, it's part of a pattern of poor communication that can undermine your relationship.

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    Apr 20, 2011 8:02 PM GMT
    here's a rough version of it. basically, most relationships, you get 80% of what you need.......no one can meet all your needs...then someone comes along and seems like the other 20%.....

    http://akssara.blogspot.com/2008/10/do-not-look-back-and-ask-why-look.html

    it doesn't exactly match your situation.
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    Apr 20, 2011 11:23 PM GMT
    well, as it relates to my somewhat parallel situation, i know i had to back off. which is weird, since I'm the single one. but since his own LTR doesn't have boundaries, just supplying proximity can seem like interest. i don't feel like messing up the friendship, or being thought of as a tease. i also don't want to be emotionally entangled so that if someone comes along who is available to me, i'm not really available to them.

    also, i think there is karma in the world. i find the standards people set for themselves really matter. there is no integrity in saying i want people to respect my own boundaries if i consistently over step theirs. i'd be thumbing my nose at fate, which won't guarantee anything if I don't do it, but I'd rather live with a clear conscience. Sex is easy to get. intimacy is harder.
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    Apr 22, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    it's a really strange line to broach. but there's a difference between license and candor. just because he shared it with you, doesn't mean he was trying to cross a line. and if he was feeling you out, he did it at a distance with respect. in another situation, i had a couple friend of mine who i rarely heard from until one started talking to me, broached the topic, i declined and then i've not heard from either of them. to me, that was somewhat insulting. it basically says that my only real value to them as a friend would be as a third. my reaction is to say "you should hire an escort, people who accept money to be treated like objects".

    so it could be worse