I'm stuck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 3:05 AM GMT


    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple years. We've taken things slow and have now finally gotten a place together a couple hours away from our families. We've been living together now for 3 weeks and we've fought over EVERYTHING since day one. It's not even important things, it's crap like where to put the furniture, which cable provider do we use, who makes dinner tonight, I don't like those pillows etc etc. It's legitimately the dumbest shit arguments you could imagine. It seems like we fight two days, are miserable, then we make up and have sex, then we're fine for an hour...then it's right back to it.

    Is it normal? We really only saw each other a couple times a week before we decided to move...but we thought we were ready. I'm just starting to get concerned...should our fighting subside after we get into a routine and figure each others daily habits out? Or are we destined to be one of THOSE couples?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 3:14 AM GMT
    Well dunno about you bud but if my bf fought with me over stupid stuff like that then I would just move back out. Remember that your bf has to compromise for you because that is what a good relationship is built on.
  • joxguy

    Posts: 236

    Apr 22, 2011 4:38 AM GMT
    think of it this way two alfa males can't comprimise, maybe that is the problem.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Apr 22, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    It happens with most relationships after something as significant as this. Try to recognize why you fight. Are you discussing these things after work when both of you are likely to be crabby?Try to compromise. Give and take. Are you afraid of losing independence? Afraid of being too domestic? Afraid of being thinking in terms of us rather than me? Divide tasks equally amongst you. One makes dinner, other washes dishes. One does laundry, other does vacuum and dusting, etc. Whoever gets the cable company gets to pay that bill, things like that. Shopping usually creates problems too. Even things like bread to buy and whic brand of toothpaste.

    It'll be OK. Just try to be calm. Use calm language. Sit down across from each other, look each other in the eyes, and talk. If that's not possible, make a sheet of pros and cons. Both of you make a sheet for everything you conflict about. You will see that you have rank your priorities about the same. Talk about where that takes you in terms of you being together. If things don't resolve in a civil manner, be the bigger man and walk away. Tell him to calm down, and until he doesn't don't discuss things with him. Sleep on it. Surely, he is equally distressed as you.

    Hopefully, the fighting subsides after a while. You just have to make each other see that these little things are not important.

    You can also try to move out again depending on how your lease/rent works. A lot of relationships can't survive this though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    It's never just about the dinner, or who cleans, or where to put things...

    Get past that with your guy and figure out what your real issues are. To do that, you're going to have to communicate and express calmly and coherently what you feel, what you need, what you want etc. Don't bring up ad hominem attacks (blaming him for things - communicate it terms of "from my point of view, I perceive things as...").

    The fighting will subside once you figure out what the real problems are and have a discussion on either side of what you'll do to compromise in order to live together harmoniously.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Apr 22, 2011 5:14 AM GMT
    My opinion...if both of you are fighting over small shit like that...What's gonna happen when you experience a big crisis....better to part ways now than to put up with long term upheaval later on....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 6:58 AM GMT
    wowgamer92 saidWell dunno about you bud but if my bf fought with me over stupid stuff like that then I would just move back out. Remember that your bf has to compromise for you because that is what a good relationship is built on.


    To wowgamer92: It's ironic that you give this advice because shouldn't your boyfriend should be dumping you for bringing up the stupid 3" inch shit you brought up in the previous thread? ROFL icon_rolleyes.gif
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Apr 22, 2011 7:31 AM GMT
    Of note...psychologists say moving is one of the largest stresses a couple faces...
    if you guys can figure out a compromise and work through this, you have a good chance at facing down antyhing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 10:00 AM GMT
    kdsbil said

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple years. We've taken things slow and have now finally gotten a place together a couple hours away from our families. We've been living together now for 3 weeks and we've fought over EVERYTHING since day one. It's not even important things, it's crap like where to put the furniture, which cable provider do we use, who makes dinner tonight, I don't like those pillows etc etc. It's legitimately the dumbest shit arguments you could imagine. It seems like we fight two days, are miserable, then we make up and have sex, then we're fine for an hour...then it's right back to it.

    Is it normal? We really only saw each other a couple times a week before we decided to move...but we thought we were ready. I'm just starting to get concerned...should our fighting subside after we get into a routine and figure each others daily habits out? Or are we destined to be one of THOSE couples?



    it sounds like there is a lot stressing both of you out. it doesnt sound like its the person. stick it out, start with yourself, maybe give in to some of what he wants. wave the white flag a few times and see what happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 11:16 AM GMT
    I think Mybud said it best. If you guys are gonna argue of tiny little things then when the big stuff hits the fan you guys might as well kiss the relationship over.

    Both of you need to take a step back and find yourselves. I suggest going to a couples counselor to figure out why you guys are arguing so much. That just isn't healthy to have been dating for a couple of years and then to be damn near broken up only after living with each other for 3 weeks. Not a good sign.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 12:33 PM GMT
    DJdorchester said
    I don't think you should end it, move out, whatever. It's only been three weeks and you gotta adjust. You should talk to him about it, because you're both sweating small stuff... not worth it. When I first moved in with my bf, it took some adjustment, too. It came down to both of us choosing our battles... if it's something that petty, I'm certainly not going to get worked up over it.



    I agree. I'm nowhere near ready to throw in the towel, it's just frustrating. A few people above hit it right too...transitioning from 'me' thoughts to 'we' thoughts is tough but each day is slightly better haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 12:48 PM GMT
    iHavok saidOf note...psychologists say moving is one of the largest stresses a couple faces...
    if you guys can figure out a compromise and work through this, you have a good chance at facing down antyhing.
    +infinity
    Frequent moving was the largest contributing factor in all of my breakups.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 1:04 PM GMT
    DJdorchester said
    I don't think you should end it, move out, whatever. It's only been three weeks and you gotta adjust.


    Three weeks and you're ready to dump the guy? Care to take a moment and review some of the hundreds of threads that whine about life being meaningless without a relationship?
    Building a relationship that lasts will take patience and compromise. You have to be able to accept small differences and work around them. If you are fighting over whose turn it is to do the dishes, step back and consider what it means to be sharing your household tasks with someone you care for.

  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Apr 22, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    kdsbil said

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple years. We've taken things slow and have now finally gotten a place together a couple hours away from our families. We've been living together now for 3 weeks and we've fought over EVERYTHING since day one. It's not even important things, it's crap like where to put the furniture, which cable provider do we use, who makes dinner tonight, I don't like those pillows etc etc. It's legitimately the dumbest shit arguments you could imagine. It seems like we fight two days, are miserable, then we make up and have sex, then we're fine for an hour...then it's right back to it.

    Is it normal? We really only saw each other a couple times a week before we decided to move...but we thought we were ready. I'm just starting to get concerned...should our fighting subside after we get into a routine and figure each others daily habits out? Or are we destined to be one of THOSE couples?


    THOSE couples = tons of crap on daily basis. If you are ready for that, than...good luck. I am telling you this from my own experience. Trust me, it won't get any better. On the contrary.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 1:31 PM GMT

    I think this may be part of the issue, "We really only saw each other a couple times a week before we decided to move...but we thought we were ready."

    I think your relationship has been founded on sparse time together, and a high standard of autonomy. Now you're both going through a pretty intense period of adjustment.

    The things you've been fighting over are themselves fluid. Cable providers can be changed if one doesn't work out. Furniture is easily re-arranged, which you may very well do once you two get tired of the layout. Dinners can be a joint effort, and you can take turns; after all, you each had to make your own dinners five times a week before, right? icon_wink.gif

    -Doug




  • SomeSiciliano...

    Posts: 543

    Apr 22, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Very well said Doug.

    I am assuming, based on your youth, that this is your first time doing the live in thing with a partner. Living with the one you love is nothing like living with family or a roomie and takes allot of biting your tongue and compromise. You all are getting to know each other on a different level...the 24/7 level...so some conflict and awkwardness is normal. Ever hear the cliche about newlyweds brawling over squeezing the toothpaste from the middle vs the bottom?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 2:54 PM GMT
    Try to take a different route here..."If in a relationship, if you put the other first, no one comes in second"...you might, by example, start to give in on the things you see as trivial...he may notice you are giving him what he wants...if he is worth living with, he'll notice this, and start to do the same....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 3:19 PM GMT
    BiItalianBro said^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Very well said Doug.

    I am assuming, based on your youth, that this is your first time doing the live in thing with a partner. Living with the one you love is nothing like living with family or a roomie and takes allot of biting your tongue and compromise. You all are getting to know each other on a different level...the 24/7 level...so some conflict and awkwardness is normal. Ever hear the cliche about newlyweds brawling over squeezing the toothpaste from the middle vs the bottom?



    Hahaha. I think we have the ability to pull through the first few weeks. Slowly but surely we're slipping into a solid balance. I guess I just expected it to be instant paradise...silly me icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    garycally saidTry to take a different route here..."If in a relationship, if you put the other first, no one comes in second"...you might, by example, start to give in on the things you see as trivial...he may notice you are giving him what he wants...if he is worth living with, he'll notice this, and start to do the same....


    I see big red flags on this one. You should be in the honeymoon phase after JUST moving in together. Although the advice here is good, I'd be concerned that this early in the relationship, one side giving in means a build up of resentment. Beware.

    I suggest that the two of you sit down and have a really serious discussion about where you are together and what's going on. Be open and honest. Talk about the issues and why each of you has such a strong position. The comment about 2 alpha's is true, it's a tough relationship to have two alpha personalities living together. You might want to seek some professional help on this one if you're serious about making the relationship work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 3:37 PM GMT
    Moving in with people is a HUGE adjustment. I have never lived with a boyfriend but with my best friend (which ultimately ruined the friendship) and it takes awhile. Living with people really shows people's true colors and it certainly shows every persons quirks and flaws.

    If the relationship is worth keeping then you and him should probably sit down and have a very serious (civil) talk. Make expectations. Make lists of "chores" for each day that each of you will accomplish. And then make sure you accomplish those and do your part. If the relationship is worth it to you you'll do your part. Sadly you have no control over whether or not your boyfriend will do his part and stop arguing.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 22, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    buddy for once i am completely speechless. i do not have any advice you. however, i hope it workout for you thought
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    It's not "normal" for two guys who care about each other to be constantly fighting over even the most trivial things. Either you guys have a personality "disconnect" or the relationship is broken.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 22, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    Fighting over small things in your relationship is a HUGE red flag. Possibly, you are not ready to live together. Maybe you are not mature enough for this level of commitment. Take a step back and figure out the real reason for the fights (fyi its not the pillows). Maybe you need to reconsider your living situation. Doesn't mean you have to break up. But sometimes couples need to have their own space and ultimately do better not living together.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Apr 22, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    kdsbil said

    I've been with my boyfriend for a couple years. We've taken things slow and have now finally gotten a place together a couple hours away from our families. We've been living together now for 3 weeks and we've fought over EVERYTHING since day one. It's not even important things, it's crap like where to put the furniture, which cable provider do we use, who makes dinner tonight, I don't like those pillows etc etc. It's legitimately the dumbest shit arguments you could imagine. It seems like we fight two days, are miserable, then we make up and have sex, then we're fine for an hour...then it's right back to it.

    Is it normal? We really only saw each other a couple times a week before we decided to move...but we thought we were ready. I'm just starting to get concerned...should our fighting subside after we get into a routine and figure each others daily habits out? Or are we destined to be one of THOSE couples?


    The one thing about living with someone that some people don't realize, is both have to be prepared to compromise.

    Have both of you talked about this fighting all the time?

    3 weeks is a very short time. I would say that it will get better, if you both work at it. Tomorrow why not just make dinner. You don't have to decide on everything. Maybe the next day your boyfriend might have dinner ready for you when you get home.