Drinking to an abuser, a father and a neighbour...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2011 9:44 AM GMT
    Well, for the first time in around 10 years I am truly buzzed. I don't know if I will regret this in the morning, and I do know that the option to remove the entire thread no longer exists...

    I am "celebrating" the 4th year anniversary of my fathers death, and I am celebrating the recent funeral of a neighbour who I grew up next to for 13 years, and I am drinking to the memory of a pedophile and the others whose lives he touched.

    My father was in an accident 4 years ago and lingered in a coma for a month and a half until I had to pull the feeding tube... one day I will start a thread on that and the change that it produced in my life; the paradigm shift it caused. I consider the day of his accident to be the day of his actual death.

    I attended the funeral for my neighbour a week ago. She had MS for a couple of decades and it was not a surprise to find she had passed. I had tried to find out her maiden name for the last year and a half to track down her father. He lived next door with her for a few weeks after he got out of prison for the third or fourth time when I was around 3 or 4. He was put away because he was a pedophile.

    Now, I always KNEW that I had been abused, but I could not figure out who in my life it was. Everybody who I can remember as a child was not somebody "capable" of such an act. However, my mother mentioned a year and a half ago that she had always worried about the idea that he might have "got to me" before she knew that he was out of prison and living there (after that she kept a very close eye on me and he moved out a few weeks later.) She believes to this day that I was not abused by that fucker, and I will never let her know otherwise. I could tell by her voice during that conversation that she had worried for years that I was abused and she watched for "signs" that I was. Perhaps it was my ADD, perhaps it was Aspergers, but she did not see the classical signs and thinks that I escaped him unharmed.

    I could not figure out why I feared the basement of that house until that moment (she had mentioned that she was worried about the garage, but I know now it was in the spare room in the basement.) I could not figure out why I have personal space issues... I hate ANYBODY in my personal space, don't want to hug, don;t want to kiss and I sure as hell don't want to cuddle. (I'll admit for the first time that I really want to cuddle, but I fear the closeness it represents.) Now, I looked for him for the last few years hoping to have a conversation. I will be honest, if the conversation did not produce and "acceptable" answer he would have ended up dead shortly after. There are no ties between him and I, and I have ways to make him "disappear" without a trace. The police would never have looked at me (please realize that was not my first choice in how to deal with this... just an option.)

    Anyhow, at her funeral I found he died prior to her. I have mixed feelings. I really wanted to look into his eyes, to see what I think evil must look like. Instead I will search for what killed him by searching her maiden name that I now have from the funeral pamphlet... I hope like hell it was painful and that the bastard lingered praying for death for months without answer...

    Anyhow, I guess I just had to vent. I lift my glass to my father in celebration of his life and how his death altered the course of my life; may he rest in peace. I lift my glass to my neighbour who did the best she could, but was herself a victim of her father and MS... may she rest in peace. Finally I raise my glass to her father, and may he burn.

    ***disclaimer: I don't usually drink, but did tonight... please don't judge my story or my grammar too harshly...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2011 9:51 AM GMT
    We all need to vent sometimes mate. I certainly don't envy what you had to go through. Hopefully you will soon be able to find the closure you are seeking.
  • hawkeye7

    Posts: 565

    Apr 22, 2011 11:56 AM GMT
    your talking about it...........I am not sure this is the best place for you to do so but it is start and by taking the first step on this new journey you will become a better man for it.
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    Apr 22, 2011 12:00 PM GMT
    That's a big step, OP. Your healing has just began. I wish you the best.
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    Apr 22, 2011 12:14 PM GMT
    My heart goes out to you. May you find peace within yourself; and may you find the ability to forgive your neighbor's father's actions (though I know it's difficult), because that's the only way you'll be able to find peace within yourself.

    As for the drinking, well, I have no room to talk. It's kinda fun sometimes. Just don't drive anywhere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:00 PM GMT
    I think it was Ernest Hemingway who said, "The world breaks most people and afterwards many are strong at the broken places."
    Courageous post. We're all works in progress.
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    Apr 23, 2011 8:31 PM GMT
    Thanks for the responses...

    I spent yesterday in a state that reminded me of why it had been a decade since I last really drank. I would not make a very good alcoholic as it takes at least a day for me to feel better.

    I did take the time to reflect a little on this thread. I have finally moved on from my fathers death- it took time for me to resolve within myself conflicts and emotions. I had hoped to be able to look into the eyes of her father and kind if wished that he were still alive... I don't know what I would have seen, or if it would have made a difference. In the end, it is not an option. I realize that it would be best to eventually forgive him, and perhaps one day I will get there... right now I am busy hoping that he suffered... death by testicular cancer or third degree burns seems like a fair start.

    I really try not to tie other people into explanations of who I am. I prefer to take the credit or blame for my personality and flaws... but there is something so damn deep that fears being close to someone that I don't know where to even start working on it, nor am I positive that I really want to work on it. This fear has served me well over the years with the one exception of when I actually did let somebody near...

    For now, I really need to make a decision of whether this aspect of my personality that refuses to allow people to be close is one that I want to keep or one that I reject. If I chose to keep it, I will no longer be able to blame the events of my childhood. If I chose to reject it, I need to find some way to move on from where I am, and let's face it... most guys (or girls) are not really understanding of somebody my age who is still working on trying to be comfortable with a simple embrace...

    Thanks again for the responses and the understanding.

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    Apr 23, 2011 8:49 PM GMT
    west77 saidThanks of the responses...

    I spent yesterday in a state that reminded me of why it had been a decade since I last really drank. I would not make a very good alcoholic as it takes at least a day for me to feel better.

    I did take the time to reflect a little on this thread. I have finally moved on from my fathers death- it took time for me to resolve within myself conflicts and emotions. I had hoped to be able to look into the eyes of her father and kind if wished that her were still alive... I don't know what I would have seen, or if it would have made a difference. In the end, it is not an option. I realize that it would be best to eventually forgive him, and perhaps one day I will get there... right now I am busy hoping that he suffered... death by testicular cancer or third degree burns seems like a fair start.

    I really try not to tie other people into explanations of who I am. I prefer to take the credit or blame for my personality and flaws... but there is something so damn deep that fears being close to someone that I don't know where to even start working on it, nor am I positive that I really want to work on it. This fear has served me well over the years with the one exception of when I actually did let somebody near...

    For now, I really need to make a decision of whether this aspect of my personality that refuses to allow people to be close is one that I want to keep or one that I reject. If I chose to keep it, I will no longer be able to blame the events of my childhood. If I chose to reject it, I need to find some way to move on from where I am, and let's face it... most guys (or girls) are not really understanding of somebody my age who is still working on trying to be comfortable with a simple embrace...

    Thanks again for the responses and the understanding.



    You have alot to offer someone... try it. Heal yourself.
  • rebelbeard

    Posts: 558

    Apr 23, 2011 8:57 PM GMT
    hawkeye7 saidyour talking about it...........I am not sure this is the best place for you to do so but it is start and by taking the first step on this new journey you will become a better man for it.



    I agree with this guy. You talked about it. Opening that first door will definitely lead you to recovering from this and moving on. Now that the flood gates have been opened, you should see a therapist. They would be the most apt at helping you with this. The RJ forum isn't going to give you what you are looking for. I am proud of you for letting your walls down enough to share something very close and personal to you.

    I wish you the best and God's speed!

    Val
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    Apr 23, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    I really feel for you man and I am so proud of you for allowing yourself to visit that time in your life and talk about it. Its great that you are wanting to deal with it. I would give closeness and intimacy a shot before you decide to remain completely guarded the rest of your life. Allowing someone to get close to you is a great thing (and I am talking mainly emotionally). Take some time to really reflect on what you want. I wish you the best buddy!