Are my standards set too high for guys? May need a dose of realism from the RJ community!

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    Apr 22, 2011 12:24 PM GMT
    Hey guys...could use some advice here. I'm about 3 months into coming out to friends/fam. Ready to start dating! Only issue...nobody local has really set the sparks off for me. It makes me wonder, have I set my standards so high that my version of 'the perfect guy' is unattainable? The main adjectives I'm seeking in a guy are: smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive.

    I guess there's a fine line between settling for something and being more realistic on the standards I have set for myself.

    What do you guys think? icon_razz.gif

    Brad
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    Apr 22, 2011 12:35 PM GMT
    I think love will come when you least expect it. icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:08 PM GMT
    I honestly see nothing over-the-top with respect to the standards you have set for yourself for meeting other men.

    Just keep looking.
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    go_vols saidHey guys...could use some advice here. I'm about 3 months into coming out to friends/fam. Ready to start dating! Only issue...nobody local has really set the sparks off for me. It makes me wonder, have I set my standards so high that my version of 'the perfect guy' is unattainable? The main adjectives I'm seeking in a guy are: smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive.

    I guess there's a fine line between settling for something and being more realistic on the standards I have set for myself.

    What do you guys think? icon_razz.gif

    Brad


    I am glad that you posted this.... so that I dont have to. I am in a very similar situation. I can get laid whenever I want.... as long as I dont care whether I am attracted to the guy. There have only been a couple guys who I am attracted to (and were single and available) but they never seemed to want me.

    I wish I knew what I did wrong. I am told that I am too aggressive. That I come on too strong. That is probably true. Maybe just too old, or not their type.

    I dont know who is "out of my league". That is what makes this extremely hard. And I am surrounded by hot, proud gay men who have been out since they were teenagers and they DO NOT understand. Be patient, they say. But if I am not out there I will not learn how to navigate these waters.

    OP, it is very confusing and frustrating. Sorry I didn't help, but maybe knowing you aren't alone is a comfort?

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    Apr 22, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    Three months? Although it sometimes happens, it is rare to meet 'the one' so quickly. Gay or straight, it is usually a process that takes years, not months, and involves a lot of dating hits and misses along the way. Don't give up hope. Just have fun and enjoy your single life until you meet that someone special.
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    Is this your first time dating guys at all, or did you do that prior to starting the coming out process?
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    original714 saidIs this your first time dating guys at all, or did you do that prior to starting the coming out process?


    great question...first time dating. I've been with a few guys (in a discreet, hookup type setting) but i'm over that. Want something more :-)
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:28 PM GMT
    go_vols saidHey guys...could use some advice here. I'm about 3 months into coming out to friends/fam. Ready to start dating! Only issue...nobody local has really set the sparks off for me. It makes me wonder, have I set my standards so high that my version of 'the perfect guy' is unattainable? The main adjectives I'm seeking in a guy are: smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive.

    I guess there's a fine line between settling for something and being more realistic on the standards I have set for myself.

    What do you guys think? icon_razz.gif

    Brad



    Well, you know a pretty good solid sense in where you are with what ideally you desire at the same time being realistic about what is a decent shot* and potential for yourself.. Its a really good balanced start, go_vols icon_idea.gificon_exclaim.gif


    I'd say.....let a bit more time take its course, imo icon_wink.gificon_wink.gificon_wink.gif
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:31 PM GMT
    Iceblink saidThree months? Although it sometimes happens, it is rare to meet 'the one' so quickly. Gay or straight, it is usually a process that takes years, not months, and involves a lot of dating hits and misses along the way. Don't give up hope. Just have fun and enjoy your single life until you meet that someone special.


    I love the relation of signal detection theory here. It might take many false-positives and false-negatives to get a true positive or negative.

    Dating is so much like signal detection theory; it's very time consuming, and the only way to effectively get a positive response is to vary your criterion between liberal and conservative over time.

    Good luckicon_smile.gif
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    Apr 22, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    Well, foremost, I agree with paulflexes when he says “I think love will come when you least expect it.” That is what happened with me. The characteristics you are looking for of ‘smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive’ are all great in a profile description, but there is a significant human element that fills in the gaps in between all of those things. No one can ever be smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive ALL of the time. I definitely fell in love with the bits in between.

    I’d go so far as to say you may not know what you really want at this point, or you may find that what you want isn’t what you need. This is all just talk though, I think in the end you just need to get out and about, meet people, and if you can, be ‘out’ when you are doing things you enjoy. This way you can run into other guys with similar interests, inside the bedroom and out.

    icon_biggrin.gif

    A little story, my partner asked me out three times and I said no each time… and meant it. The third time, I think it was, I was relaxing at a local bar in the evening after running the Pittsburgh marathon with 4 siblings. It was sponsored by Dick’s Sporting Goods. He came up to me and said something like ’ooh, Dicks!’ I rolled my eyes and thought, ‘please’. Ha ha. Cracks me up now, because it was so out of character for him, but he was trying to be cool (or something!). He then went on to tell me that a lot of people wants his ‘digits’ and that I should take them. He wrote them down and I kept the napkin for whatever reason. I then saw him conducting a concert a week or so later, I was intrigued and gave him a call after all. I am grinning ear to ear typing this because it is so hard to know anything about a person in those first few encounters.

    Good luck!
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    Apr 22, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    deltalimen...i've got no idea what you just said. icon_lol.gif

    For the OP, don't lower your standards. I think there's really only one question you need to ask yourself when dating: "Do I see myself having a future with this guy?" and maybe, "Will i still find this guy attractive in 10, 20 years?". Having a checklist of desired traits in a man is probably the wrong way to go about it - but i also agree with the other guys in this thread, give it some time.
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    Apr 22, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    SDT

    Psychology of detection. I relate everything to psychoacoustics. sorry.
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    Apr 22, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    I am a person that also has "high standards" and I spend a lot of time single. If you are not willing to settle - just keep looking rather than lowering your standards. Whatever you think is "perfect" is out there. It is your epic adventure quest to go out and find it. And you are never too young or too old to find what you are looking for.
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    Apr 22, 2011 4:32 PM GMT
    Are you perfect? No? So what makes you think that a perfect guy, assuming he did exist, would want to date someone imperfect?

    Standards are good to have. You recently came out, so maybe you could try dating different types of guys to compare what you think you want versus what you actually like. Of your list of 7 qualities you want in a date, try dating a guy that hits 5 of those qualities and see if you like the guy. Maybe it works for you, and maybe it doesn't. Maybe you do need a guy to have the 6th quality, but number 2 isn't as big of a deal.
    Eventually you'll find a guy that you connect with in spite of him not being the perfect guy. If things work out, you'll learn to love his "imperfections," not despite them.
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    Apr 22, 2011 4:56 PM GMT
    go_vols saidHey guys...could use some advice here. I'm about 3 months into coming out to friends/fam. Ready to start dating! Only issue...nobody local has really set the sparks off for me. It makes me wonder, have I set my standards so high that my version of 'the perfect guy' is unattainable? The main adjectives I'm seeking in a guy are: smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive.

    I guess there's a fine line between settling for something and being more realistic on the standards I have set for myself.

    What do you guys think? icon_razz.gif

    Brad


    I don't think your list is unreasonable at all. My own laundry list of traits I look for in guys is pretty similar. Although one thing I've come to learn in the short time I've been dating is that I found myself reevaluating the definitions of each of these adjectives. Be careful not to limit yourself to your own rigid definitions for each adjective.

    I've learned that "smart" doesn't necessarily equal an education. "Athletic" is a term that transcends the bounds of "physique". "Driven" does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with "competitive", nor does it necessarily have anything to do with success. "Masculine"...I'm not even gonna reopen that can of worms here on RJ. icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    Gawking at the gay men on RealJock definitely creates unattainable standards for the men you're going to encounter in daily life... atleast from the physical aspect.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUU REALJOCK! icon_evil.gif
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    When it comes to online dating, or I suppose ogling topless peoples' profiles, I think everyone raises their standard too high just because the only thing you're really basing your opinion on is looks.

    Maybe I'm just "the ugly guy in the room who thinks this", but peoples' personalities definitely make or break someone's attractiveness. Often, they can even overshadow someone's looks. Unfortunately, the medium of the internet pretty much erases a person's personality so that it comes down to only looks.
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    Remove the concept of "the perfect guy" from your vocabulary. Stop making laundry lists of qualities you want your mate to have. Meet real people and make connections with them, don't get stuck trying to match up what you subjectively think will make you happy to what the real world is.
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    go_vols said....have I set my standards so high that my version of 'the perfect guy' is unattainable? The main adjectives I'm seeking in a guy are: smart, funny, driven, muscular/athletic, down-to-earth, masculine and attractive.

    I guess there's a fine line between settling for something and being more realistic on the standards I have set for myself.

    What do you guys think? icon_razz.gif

    Brad


    You are asking far too much of one person. I recommend you find seven guys - each one possessing one of the seven qualities you seek. Coincidently, there are seven days in a week, which should make the rotation simpler. Good luck, picky bitch!
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    Apr 22, 2011 5:28 PM GMT
    i noticed the reoccurring theme simply is time. when i found my ex, he wasn't ready for anything yet. it took another 4 months. that was good cause it allowed us to become great friends.
  • GQjock

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    Apr 22, 2011 5:38 PM GMT
    When you put qualities down on paper
    everybody's standards are Too High

    We're not going to tell ourselves ... yeah, I'd like to fall for a guy who's between jobs or someone with psoriasis (sorry people with skin conditions ... it was only for a for-instance)

    Just get out there and meet other guys
    If you surround yourself with possibilities something is bound to happen
    ......... and I'll bet you anything that you're gonna surprise yourself
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    Apr 22, 2011 6:09 PM GMT
    Well, people have said it, and I guess I'm just repeating it icon_neutral.gif

    But meet people. Even if all you get out of it is a friendship, who knows where that leads? The more connections you have, the more you socialize with different people, more likely you'll meet someone you may be interested in. And these new friends may even know someone who'd be interested in dating you. It's all about going out and meeting people.
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    May 13, 2011 10:37 AM GMT
    I agree with the advice here...I am meeting people and putting myself out there. just need to be more patient icon_razz.gif
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    May 13, 2011 11:17 AM GMT
    the saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, think it's true of anywhere icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 13, 2011 11:23 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidRemove the concept of "the perfect guy" from your vocabulary. Stop making laundry lists of qualities you want your mate to have. Meet real people and make connections with them, don't get stuck trying to match up what you subjectively think will make you happy to what the real world is.


    This! Perfectly said.