Stay with him or cut losses?

  • Pepsic0la

    Posts: 145

    Apr 23, 2011 6:45 PM GMT
    Hi first time posting and WARNING kind of explicit.

    So I'm bi, and in my first relationship with a guy. I'm 23 and he'd 19. I met this guy on a dating site and we've been together for a mOnth now. A year ago I was cheated on by my fiancé of 2 years - and by another girl before that, so this has led to some natural insecurities in relationships for me.
    Me abc and this guy have a great time together and AMAZING sex. I know he feels the same about the sex because he's told me and I make him orgasm without him even touching himself pretty often. Now here's the situation:

    He lives 20 mins away in the same city, and works two jobs so is very busy - I also work a job 5 days a week. I have my own apartment, but he lives with his parents to save up for school which he leaved for probably in June. Due to this he regularly drives out to my place about 2-3 times a week to spend the night with me, and asks me to come spend the night at his parents ( who he's not out to) every once in awhile to save him gas. I've declined because I'm not out also and think it'd be awkward explaining to his parents who I was and dint want to be snuck in a house like a damn teenager, been there done that, in high school.

    So, a week ago, due to my paranoia - I went on the site where I met him and created an online profile if a hit guy to see if he would tell the 'guy' if he had a boyfriend. After a few emails- he told the guy when he got off work if he wanted to hang-out. I got so pissef, and called him and said I needed to meet with him ASAP and drove to confront. I calmly told him the situation, and he said he wasn't going to do anything- I said I don't believe him a broke up with him. He called and called, and 2 days later I let him over to talk- I let him know how I felt, he seemed remorseful and swears he wasn't planning on doing anything- so we made up and had make up sex.

    On a pride standpoint I font think I should have taken him back- any advice?
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Apr 23, 2011 7:20 PM GMT
    I think you're in a difficult position: you were betrayed, and it's shaken your ability to trust others.

    I mean, it's not really natural to create a fake profile in order to "check up" on someone you're supposed to be able to trust them. Indeed, that is one of the most fundamental lessons about love: there can be no love if you cannot trust!

    My instinct tells me that you weren't ready for another relationship because you're carrying around the baggage from the last one: an expectation that your lover will cheat on you.

    Your subterfuge yielded exactly what you expected it would: he was untrustworthy.

    Of course, you don't really know that for a fact: I suspect that even guys who are happily attached will on occasion go on to these kinds of websites, flirt, and possibly even meet another guy...just to kind of reassure themselves that they're still hot. For all you know, his carrying on had to do with perhaps a decline in his confidence, and a desire to reassure himself that he's still desirable to others as well as you.

    Or maybe he planned to cheat...we'll never know for sure.

    What I do know however is, you've forgiven at this point, you owe it to him and to yourself to put this behind you. You don't have to forget it, but don't hold it over his head either.

    And, if you still find yourself inclined to resort to such trickery in future to gage his intentions in this relationship, my advice to you would be to consider amicably parting with him, and talking to a therapist who can perhaps help you get over your trust issues.

    I mean, after all, it must be hard as hell to be in a relationship where you're always looking over your shoulder, trying to make sure that your fella isn't gazing at someone else. Even if you choose to stay with him, talking to a therapist isn't such a terrible idea!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 23, 2011 8:13 PM GMT
    Stay with him or cut losses?

    Cut the losses. It will never be the same again.

    Whether his fault or yours the way this happened, or a little of both, is immaterial. It's over, ruined. Learn the lessons, move on.

    Actually you already know this, don't you? I sense that in your posting this here.

    It sounds like these relationship insecurities are of your own making. You will be more likely to suspect others of cheating, when you are cheating yourself. Yes?

    As for his parents, that issue is always individual, with no hard & fast rules, depending on them & him. Sometimes you're discreet, other times bold.

    With one former BF, visiting him after he & I had both moved away to different cities, during a brief stay he made to his parents' home, I was very bold. He wasn't out to his parents, and his mother graciously offered me a bedroom of my own. "No, thanks," I said. I'll be watching TV late with Michael (her son) I told her, and probably just stay in there for the night.

    There was only 1 bed in that room, so she had to understand. His father didn't say a word. But I was already in my 50s, their unmarried son 40s, and very few people ever challenge me about anything, when I state my intentions. I just do it pleasantly and matter-of-factly, and it happens.

    Every situation is different, as I say. But you might consider that option in future relationships. You are an adult, after all. And if these guys are still under 21 and perhaps limited by their own options, it might be a reason to consider older guys who have more freedom of action.