So I came out to my parents a while back and .....

  • lamar1898

    Posts: 15

    Apr 24, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    So this is my first post on here and I don't know where else to go for advise, but here goes ....

    So I came out to my parents about 8 months ago and things seemed to be going okay eicon_question.gifxcept for the fact that everytime that I talk about any kind of relationship they always ask if its a girl or a guy and look at me in digust when I say a guy. As if I told them I was gay on a trial period only! I love my parents but I can't seem to figure out how to tell them that just because I'm into guys that I'm still me! What sucks most is that I was really close with my mom and don't hide things from her but when I tell her about the guy I'm seeing or if a topic arises that happens to have anything "gay" in it, she shuts down and I get the feeling that I'm hurting her. Really I just want to be close to my parents again, but maybe I'm rushing things??

    Any advice???
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Apr 24, 2011 2:36 PM GMT
    i am patiently waiting for my mother to ask me about my sexuality.

    if/when she asks, i will tell all she wants to hear.

    but i suspect she won't ask.
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    Apr 24, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    I think the conversation you've initiated here in this forum is the conversation you need to have with your mom. Coming out is a process. Telling her you're gay was just the first step of that process with her. Continue to talk to her.
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Apr 24, 2011 4:32 PM GMT
    Well done for coming out to the parents! It must have been a big move.

    Your parents are probably still coming to terms with this. If they start to look disgusted when they ask you about dating, the best thing you can say is "I know that this may be hard for you to deal with, but it would help me a great deal if you can try to understand me". That way, you are not going to be kicking off arguments.

    Is there a group like FFLAG (families and friends of lesbians and gays)? nearby you? It may be worth you contacting them then passing their details onto the parents, and say if they are having a hard time dealing with this, they can talk to other people in their position.

    Don't give up hope - a lot of parents take some time to adjust then its fine. I haven't even come out to mine - I just let them guess (which was fine as they are nazis). (That last bit wasn't exactly an exaggeration).
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    Apr 24, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    Stop talking to them about your gay relationships.
  • M4tt

    Posts: 84

    Apr 24, 2011 7:05 PM GMT
    I wish I could talk from experience to make you feel better but I came out this month to my mom. During week after telling her she managed to bring it up everyday. It threw my mom for a loop because the idea never crossed her mind. I think the best way to tell her is to say it isn't a phase you'll grow out of and that you need her support now more than ever.
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    Apr 24, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    eh ! ... cant help ya :S .. cuz i have the same problem ( Kinda)
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    Apr 24, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    Caslon is right. Stop talking about your relationships. If or when they get to the point of wanting to know, they will ask.

    It was several years before I could get to the point of telling my parents that I was interested in someone. Beyond that, they never asked questions. I dated one man for about a year. When we stopped seeing one another, my brother told my parents why I was "not myself". My mother called and wanted to come stay with "her baby" for a few days to make sure he was okay. lol Of course, I told her it wasn't necessary.

    As it has been stated, coming out is a process. sometimes that process can take many years and other times, not so many, when dealing with family.

    They most likely just are not ready to hear about you dating. When you find Mr. Right, and you move in together, that is all they will need to know. They WILL know why you move in together. Even then, if they want more details, they will ask.

    There may never come a time that you can tell them that you are dating someone or that you are serious about someone without them shutting down. But.... there may also come a time when they may want to know something about him. It may be no more than his name or, other similar but vague details.

    Don't expect them to want to know all about you and a bf, with details of your dates anytime soon.

    Stop telling them about your relationships. If you feel you must, then just let them know you are seeing someone (once it gets serious), tell them his name and leave it at that.

    One thing I did, was casually drop a name when talking with brothers, and when my parents would be within earshot.

    Good luck to you.
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    Apr 24, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    Gay on a trial period only? Please expand on this phenomenon.
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    Apr 24, 2011 8:44 PM GMT
    Caslon18000 saidStop talking to them about your gay relationships.

    Yep...sorry.
    Been with my man over 10 years; mom still calls him my roommate.
    It's not worth the fight anymore; I'm over it.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 24, 2011 9:00 PM GMT
    Dustin, you could do worse than "roommate." At least she has some way to handle it.
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    Apr 24, 2011 10:34 PM GMT
    I've been "out" almost 20 years, and my mom STILL asks if it's a guy or a girl when I tell her I'm seeing someone.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Apr 24, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    give them time dude.
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    Apr 24, 2011 10:40 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidgive them time dude.
    That doesn't always work.
    Growing a thick skin is more valuable than waiting on something that may or may not happen.
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    Apr 25, 2011 12:29 AM GMT
    Talk to her again. Tell her everything you posted here.
    Tell her how it took you time to accept your sexuality and that you realize that it will take her time to get used to it too. You told her that you're bi because you love her and you value your relationship with her. You don't want to have a secret from her.
    At some point (and maybe you want to give her a time limit) she'll either have to come around and deal with you being bi or that she'll be the one cutting herself out of your life.
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    Apr 25, 2011 12:38 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    tuffguyndc saidgive them time dude.
    That doesn't always work.
    Growing a thick skin is more valuable than waiting on something that may or may not happen.

    This.
    My parents had two years while seeing me being open with my boyfriend.
    As long as my sister re-enforced their beliefs that I was choosing to be gay, they just grew into their disgust.
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    Apr 25, 2011 12:50 AM GMT

    Good for you. And since you asked, I have two pieces of advice. One, like everyone else has said, give them time.

    Two, you might want to tell your mom what you're feeling about your relationship with her. Address what your actual concern is with her, out loud, and honestly. Try something like: "Mom, I really want to be close to you again, and the only way that is possible is if you know and acknowledge who I actually am. That's why I came out to you at all--so we could be close. Now, I feel that you are having difficulty with my sexual orientation, and I can understand that this is an adjustment for you. And, I want you to know that I still want to have a close relationship with you." Now, those words might be way too after-school-special for you to use, so find your own. But you get the idea.

    Good luck!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Apr 25, 2011 1:38 AM GMT
    My advice....Sit them down and tell em this....I told ya I was gay because I loved ya too much to lie about who I was and Who I will love....Nothing has changed it's still me....If you can't get past my gayness you...mom and dad run the risk of us not having a totally respectful and giving relationship....Again I love ya but I refuse to live a lie.....BUD
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Apr 25, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    Caslon18000 saidStop talking to them about your gay relationships.


    I agree. You told them you are gay, but that doesn't mean you have to discuss everything about your gay life with them --- at least not right away. Give them time to process all of this -- and it may take a few years. Your parents are not gay people, so it's unrealistic to expect them to be comfortable immediately with you being gay, much less hearing about your gay relationships. Baby steps.
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Apr 25, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    i came out 3 years ago and i kinda still have problems with my parents a bit and trust me it doesnt help being roman catholic thats for sure my parents thought it was a phase i had to go to therapy and shit like that i told them i wasnt going anymore im still the same person i used to be i still think they treat me differently from my older brother and sister and i still get treated like im 8 but trust me it will all work out in the end im glad that you came out and proud of you i would tell them that this is not a phase that this is who you are if they have a problem with it then they will lose a son forever since they wont be supportive alot of parents react differently your lucky your parents still talk to you most of the guys parents abandon them after they find out or they kick them out of the house. i would just sit down and explain tell them how you feel about the whole situation and how you feel how they react.

    ps sorry its a huge run on sentence but i dont care lol.
  • JerseyBlues

    Posts: 111

    Apr 25, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    Give them some time to digest all of this. Also, you can get some great literature to help them to learn and to accept things from the HRC or PFLAG.
    http://www.hrc.org/issues/coming_out.asp

    http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=209
  • lamar1898

    Posts: 15

    Apr 25, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    Well thanks for all the replies. All the advice helps. I guess I really just need to talk to my mom again. I know that coming out is a process but I guess I just feel like it's hard not being able to talk to her about everything since she is one of my close friends and I usually tell her everything.

    On a positive note I got frustrated after writing this post and talked to my step dad about how I felt, and even though he doesn't agree with my lifestyle choice as he puts it. He said he'll always be there to be an open ear and talk about whatever. So that kind of brightened my day.
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    Apr 25, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    Sounds very similar to my situation. I was 23, just finished college and got sick of lying to my parents (mainly mom) about where I was going on the weekends, who I was with and where I stayed. I told them and my dad was completely fine with it, but mom had some issues, as if she had "caused" me to be gay. I let it go for a while, but noticed she'd ask my brother about their relationships and I began to get offended that she never asked about mine. Finally, I got my first HIV test (-) and shared the results with her. She didn't say much more than something along the lines of "if something happens to me, it's my own fault". That was like a major FUCK YOU to me, so I hung up on her and kept my distance for a couple of weeks. We had a heart to heart and I told her that I have enough people that are not ok with me and how I live my life and if she wants to be in my life, she needs to accept it or she is just another one of those people I can do without. It was harsh, but so was the way she treated me. That really made her see the light and she came around and it actually strengthened our relationship. I think you just need to command respect from your parents. Don't force things on them, give them time, but also be true to yourself and let them know you are still the same person you were before telling them. Unless, of course, you kicked down the closet door wearing a pink unitard and began speaking with a lisp and telling them about your sexual exploits...which I doubt...then they might look at you a little differently. Hopefully this helps, but it's just a healthy balance of patience, but self-respect. Have a heart to hear and let them know how you feel and what you expect.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    My mom doesn't ask about any of my relationships or ever say anything about me being gay so I don't ever tell her about them or bring anything up.

    My dad is always asking if I'm seeing someone new and is always trying to get me to bring someone to dinner. So, since he asks, I tell him. (my parents are divorced and both remarried)

    My mom is getting to the point where she realizes she's not very involved in my personal life so she will occasionally ask about it... maybe 1 question, but then its on to a new topic. She know's Im gay, and thats enough for me. I don't know if shes uncomfortable with it or what, but I feel that if I just let it be she will eventually come around. If not, that's ok with me. We have a great relationship otherwise.

    I feel like maybe you should just not talk to them about it unless they ask. You can't push too much on them at once... They know you're gay so that should be enough for now. They'll eventually warm up to it and come around.
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    May 03, 2011 7:40 AM GMT
    Good job Chuck with coming out to your parents!! I kind of had the same experience, but it's just more of a "we'll discuss it later" situation...All they really need is time to deal with it. Your parents will eventually learn to live with the fact that their son is just way more awesome now!!