EXTREMELY amateur poetry

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  Apr 24, 2011 11:40 PM GMT

  Was super bored so I decided to give poetry a shot. Tell me your honest opinions of what you think or share your own stuff here if you'd like
  
  P.S. I appreciate criticism more than compliments to spare my feelings lol.
  
  here it is
  
  To share a heart,
  and convey a feeling.
  Is how we give our lives their meaning.
  but how to share, what isn't there
  is something I don't know.
  While I'm searching, for it's trace
  I stumble upon
  a familiar place.
  Somehow it's changed,
  turned to a cell, deranged
  but for which there are no bars.
  Instead it seems
  to be held in place
  with self inflicted scars
  And even though it's starved of love
  I still feel it faintly beating,
  my ephemeral joy, turned to grief
  when I learn this too is fleeting.
  I curse my jailer, but to no avail
  because I'm left alone
  rendered hollow, because I follow
  a sin I cannot atone.

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  Apr 24, 2011 11:45 PM GMT

  Don't make rhyming couplets. Pretty much most contemporary forms do away with them and they only work were you to employ a more complex and fixed form. And even then they're difficult to pull off. A lot of people have a misguided notion that poem = rhyme.

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  Apr 24, 2011 11:50 PM GMT

  I know very little about poetry, but lately we've been advertising http://www.omiami.org at work (local poetry website).
  The website is kinda plain, but their camera guy is very nice.
  
  PS. I'll be featured in their main video when they finish it.

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  Apr 24, 2011 11:51 PM GMT

  I had a feeling it was a little heavy on the rhymes lol. for some reason that was all that was coming to me today lol.

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  Apr 26, 2011 2:42 AM GMT

  YoungJock4 saidWas super bored so I decided to give poetry a shot. Tell me your honest opinions of what you think or share your own stuff here if you'd like
  
  P.S. I appreciate criticism more than compliments to spare my feelings lol.
  
  here it is
  
  To share a heart,
  and convey a feeling.
  Is how we give our lives their meaning.
  but how to share, what isn't there
  is something I don't know.
  While I'm searching, for it's trace
  I stumble upon
  a familiar place.
  Somehow it's changed,
  turned to a cell, deranged
  but for which there are no bars.
  Instead it seems
  to be held in place
  with self inflicted scars
  And even though it's starved of love
  I still feel it faintly beating,
  my ephemeral joy, turned to grief
  when I learn this too is fleeting.
  I curse my jailer, but to no avail
  because I'm left alone
  rendered hollow, because I follow
  a sin I cannot atone.

  
  
  
  
  
  " Love is like the seeds of life,
  To root is full of pain and strife.
  But to grow it"s like a great Oak tree,
  Straight and strong for eternity.
  Love is what I offer you,
  Steadfast, calm and oh, so true!
  Love is life between two who shares,
  A life between two who really cares.
  Love is ours, if you agree,
  To spend your life with me!
  i love u "

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  Apr 26, 2011 2:45 AM GMT

  My personal view of when rhyming couplets work. This a fragment from a favored poem of mine by William Butler Yeats.
  
  Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
  The holy tree is growing there;
  From joy the holy branches start,
  And all the trembling flowers they bear.
  The changing colours of its fruit
  Have dowered the stars with merry light;
  The surety of its hidden root
  Has planted quiet in the night;
  The shaking of its leafy head
  Has given the waves their melody,
  And made my lips and music wed,
  Murmuring a wizard song for thee.
  There the Loves a circle go,
  The flaming circle of our days,
  Gyring, spiring to and fro
  In those great ignorant leafy ways;
  Remembering all that shaken hair
  And how the wingèd sandals dart,
  Thine eyes grow full of tender care:
  Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

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  Apr 26, 2011 2:49 PM GMT

  
  
  " Love is like the seeds of life,
  To root is full of pain and strife.
  But to grow it"s like a great Oak tree,
  Straight and strong for eternity.
  Love is what I offer you,
  Steadfast, calm and oh, so true!
  Love is life between two who shares,
  A life between two who really cares.
  Love is ours, if you agree,
  To spend your life with me!
  i love u "[/quote]
  
  
  I like it

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  Apr 26, 2011 2:49 PM GMT

  Ariodante saidMy personal view of when rhyming couplets work. This a fragment from a favored poem of mine by William Butler Yeats.
  
  Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
  The holy tree is growing there;
  From joy the holy branches start,
  And all the trembling flowers they bear.
  The changing colours of its fruit
  Have dowered the stars with merry light;
  The surety of its hidden root
  Has planted quiet in the night;
  The shaking of its leafy head
  Has given the waves their melody,
  And made my lips and music wed,
  Murmuring a wizard song for thee.
  There the Loves a circle go,
  The flaming circle of our days,
  Gyring, spiring to and fro
  In those great ignorant leafy ways;
  Remembering all that shaken hair
  And how the wingèd sandals dart,
  Thine eyes grow full of tender care:
  Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

  
  
  now that is a great poem, I can see why it's one of your favorites

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  Apr 26, 2011 3:29 PM GMT

  " I stumble upon
  a familiar place "
  better if they were just one verse ..
  "but how to share, what isn't there"
  but as for this one .. better separated ,, i suppose anyway ..
  i especially liked the beginning and the last verse ..
  nice poem bro ..
  way to go ..
  

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  Apr 26, 2011 3:35 PM GMT

  this one i wrote ,, hope you like it ..
  
  WenT To The Lißrary To Buy ..
  a NoveL ,, To Read Under The Sky ..
  WiTh The Sea's Waves Splashin By ..
  While i StayeÐ Dry ..
  The RocKs Were HuMiÐ aye ..
  ** ** **
  The Weather Was Warm ..
  AnÐ The NoveL HaÐ a StorM ..
  AnÐ i ReaÐ in a HunGry Form ..
  AnÐ as i StarteÐ eXpLorIn The NoveL's Storm ..
  i Fell asLeeP ßy The WinÐoW of mY ÐorM ..
  ***
  i LooKeÐ aRounÐ aLL WhaT's iN mY SiGhT ..
  AnÐ JusT SaW WateR, ÇoVeRiN aLL The LighT ..
  i TrieÐ HarÐLy To EscaPe , ßuT Ðespite ..
  aLL My eFForTs , iT HelÐ mE TiGhT ..
  aLoNe, wIthOuT a SiMpLe RaY oF LiGhT ..
  i FeLt FriGhT ..
  iN ThIs DarknEss ,, LiKe EverY NiGhT..
  ßuT SoMeHoW ,, iT FaÐeÐ To WhiTe..
  a WarM FeeLin ÇaMe ,, LiKe oF The MighT ..
  sHoweÐ Me PicTureS oF The PasT,, aLL in SighT ..
  a GreaT ShiP ,, AnÐ a WeaLtHy KnighT ..
  a GreaT WaVe ,, SwaLLoweÐ ßy a WiGhT ..
  AnÐ aS i BeçomE FuLL wiTh Excite ..
  The LiGhT FleÐ AwaY with a SpiTe ..
  AnÐ i WaZ oVeRLaPpeÐ ßy The FrighTeNinG Fire, aLiGhT ..
  AnÐ i WoKe uP iN My RooM ,, WiTh a ßiTe ..
  a MosquiTo's .. WhoM I DiDn't InviTe ..
  ***
  
  p.s .. never mind the capitalization << and the weird letters >> it's my way of writing ..

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