EXTREMELY amateur poetry

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    Apr 24, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    Was super bored so I decided to give poetry a shot. Tell me your honest opinions of what you think or share your own stuff here if you'd like icon_smile.gif

    P.S. I appreciate criticism more than compliments to spare my feelings lol.

    here it is

    To share a heart,
    and convey a feeling.
    Is how we give our lives their meaning.
    but how to share, what isn't there
    is something I don't know.
    While I'm searching, for it's trace
    I stumble upon
    a familiar place.
    Somehow it's changed,
    turned to a cell, deranged
    but for which there are no bars.
    Instead it seems
    to be held in place
    with self inflicted scars
    And even though it's starved of love
    I still feel it faintly beating,
    my ephemeral joy, turned to grief
    when I learn this too is fleeting.
    I curse my jailer, but to no avail
    because I'm left alone
    rendered hollow, because I follow
    a sin I cannot atone.
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    Apr 24, 2011 11:45 PM GMT
    Don't make rhyming couplets. Pretty much most contemporary forms do away with them and they only work were you to employ a more complex and fixed form. And even then they're difficult to pull off. A lot of people have a misguided notion that poem = rhyme.
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    Apr 24, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    I know very little about poetry, but lately we've been advertising http://www.omiami.org at work (local poetry website).
    The website is kinda plain, but their camera guy is very nice.

    PS. I'll be featured in their main video when they finish it. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 24, 2011 11:51 PM GMT
    I had a feeling it was a little heavy on the rhymes lol. for some reason that was all that was coming to me today lol.
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    Apr 26, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    YoungJock4 saidWas super bored so I decided to give poetry a shot. Tell me your honest opinions of what you think or share your own stuff here if you'd like icon_smile.gif

    P.S. I appreciate criticism more than compliments to spare my feelings lol.

    here it is

    To share a heart,
    and convey a feeling.
    Is how we give our lives their meaning.
    but how to share, what isn't there
    is something I don't know.
    While I'm searching, for it's trace
    I stumble upon
    a familiar place.
    Somehow it's changed,
    turned to a cell, deranged
    but for which there are no bars.
    Instead it seems
    to be held in place
    with self inflicted scars
    And even though it's starved of love
    I still feel it faintly beating,
    my ephemeral joy, turned to grief
    when I learn this too is fleeting.
    I curse my jailer, but to no avail
    because I'm left alone
    rendered hollow, because I follow
    a sin I cannot atone.





    " Love is like the seeds of life,
    To root is full of pain and strife.
    But to grow it"s like a great Oak tree,
    Straight and strong for eternity.
    Love is what I offer you,
    Steadfast, calm and oh, so true!
    Love is life between two who shares,
    A life between two who really cares.
    Love is ours, if you agree,
    To spend your life with me!
    i love u "
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    Apr 26, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    My personal view of when rhyming couplets work. This a fragment from a favored poem of mine by William Butler Yeats.

    Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
    The holy tree is growing there;
    From joy the holy branches start,
    And all the trembling flowers they bear.
    The changing colours of its fruit
    Have dowered the stars with merry light;
    The surety of its hidden root
    Has planted quiet in the night;
    The shaking of its leafy head
    Has given the waves their melody,
    And made my lips and music wed,
    Murmuring a wizard song for thee.
    There the Loves a circle go,
    The flaming circle of our days,
    Gyring, spiring to and fro
    In those great ignorant leafy ways;
    Remembering all that shaken hair
    And how the wingèd sandals dart,
    Thine eyes grow full of tender care:
    Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.
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    Apr 26, 2011 2:49 PM GMT


    " Love is like the seeds of life,
    To root is full of pain and strife.
    But to grow it"s like a great Oak tree,
    Straight and strong for eternity.
    Love is what I offer you,
    Steadfast, calm and oh, so true!
    Love is life between two who shares,
    A life between two who really cares.
    Love is ours, if you agree,
    To spend your life with me!
    i love u "[/quote]


    I like it icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 26, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidMy personal view of when rhyming couplets work. This a fragment from a favored poem of mine by William Butler Yeats.

    Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
    The holy tree is growing there;
    From joy the holy branches start,
    And all the trembling flowers they bear.
    The changing colours of its fruit
    Have dowered the stars with merry light;
    The surety of its hidden root
    Has planted quiet in the night;
    The shaking of its leafy head
    Has given the waves their melody,
    And made my lips and music wed,
    Murmuring a wizard song for thee.
    There the Loves a circle go,
    The flaming circle of our days,
    Gyring, spiring to and fro
    In those great ignorant leafy ways;
    Remembering all that shaken hair
    And how the wingèd sandals dart,
    Thine eyes grow full of tender care:
    Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.


    now that is a great poem, I can see why it's one of your favorites
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    Apr 26, 2011 3:29 PM GMT
    " I stumble upon
    a familiar place "
    better if they were just one verse ..
    "but how to share, what isn't there"
    but as for this one .. better separated ,, i suppose anyway ..
    i especially liked the beginning and the last verse ..
    nice poem bro ..
    way to go ..
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    Apr 26, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    this one i wrote ,, hope you like it .. icon_wink.gif

    WenT To The Lißrary To Buy ..
    a NoveL ,, To Read Under The Sky ..
    WiTh The Sea's Waves Splashin By ..
    While i StayeÐ Dry ..
    The RocKs Were HuMiÐ aye ..
    ** ** **
    The Weather Was Warm ..
    AnÐ The NoveL HaÐ a StorM ..
    AnÐ i ReaÐ in a HunGry Form ..
    AnÐ as i StarteÐ eXpLorIn The NoveL's Storm ..
    i Fell asLeeP ßy The WinÐoW of mY ÐorM ..
    ***
    i LooKeÐ aRounÐ aLL WhaT's iN mY SiGhT ..
    AnÐ JusT SaW WateR, ÇoVeRiN aLL The LighT ..
    i TrieÐ HarÐLy To EscaPe , ßuT Ðespite ..
    aLL My eFForTs , iT HelÐ mE TiGhT ..
    aLoNe, wIthOuT a SiMpLe RaY oF LiGhT ..
    i FeLt FriGhT ..
    iN ThIs DarknEss ,, LiKe EverY NiGhT..
    ßuT SoMeHoW ,, iT FaÐeÐ To WhiTe..
    a WarM FeeLin ÇaMe ,, LiKe oF The MighT ..
    sHoweÐ Me PicTureS oF The PasT,, aLL in SighT ..
    a GreaT ShiP ,, AnÐ a WeaLtHy KnighT ..
    a GreaT WaVe ,, SwaLLoweÐ ßy a WiGhT ..
    AnÐ aS i BeçomE FuLL wiTh Excite ..
    The LiGhT FleÐ AwaY with a SpiTe ..
    AnÐ i WaZ oVeRLaPpeÐ ßy The FrighTeNinG Fire, aLiGhT ..
    AnÐ i WoKe uP iN My RooM ,, WiTh a ßiTe ..
    a MosquiTo's .. WhoM I DiDn't InviTe ..
    ***

    p.s .. never mind the capitalization << and the weird letters >> it's my way of writing ..