How to make gay friends while being on the down low???

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2011 5:47 AM GMT
    Just wondering because I have a hard time finding guys since I'm still on the DL. I'm getting some confidence though cause it sucks to be on the DL!. It would be nice to have some friends to hit up some clubs (cause I got tired of straight clubs lol). I also tried Grindr but I guess it was not meant for Android since it kept shutting down. Any advice RJers?
  • AlexGuess

    Posts: 364

    Apr 25, 2011 6:12 AM GMT
    Well it's quite difficult making gay friends when you are not out yet, but none of your friends has a gay friend? maybe you could try that.
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    Apr 25, 2011 11:36 AM GMT
    You want and need a real friend or group of friends now and that is understandable. But you need to know that a lot of guys are at a waaayy different point in their lives now being totally out. You may run into some internal gay bigotry here, but don't be discouraged. Social networking should help you find guys either sympathetic or in your situation. Grindr is for hookups and thats cool but usually doesn't turn into friendship. Try a gay sports team in a nearby town, or consider coming out to a very small group of people. You'd be surprised at how many of them will be helpful. Don't give up
  • alphatop

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    Apr 25, 2011 11:51 AM GMT
    DL=closet.

    Get out of the closet!
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    Apr 25, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    Guy's who are out aren't gonna want to retrace backwards into the closet. Think about it, would you if you were out and enjoying life?

    Best of luck
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    Apr 25, 2011 1:29 PM GMT
    Lol I have a double life atm because I am going to a Christian school and hanging out with my straight friends during the week and going clubbing with my gay friends on the weekends. Some of my straight friends don't care I'm gay but I kinda keep it quiet from majority of other people.
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    Apr 25, 2011 1:35 PM GMT
    AntoNomad saidDL=closet.

    Get out of the closet!


    Not everyone is as comfortable as you on that kammock. icon_wink.gif
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    Apr 25, 2011 1:38 PM GMT
    Adrenalinejunkie saidLol I have a double life atm because I am going to a Christian school and hanging out with my straight friends during the week and going clubbing with my gay friends on the weekends. Some of my straight friends don't care I'm gay but I kinda keep it quiet from majority of other people.


    This is going to wear you out faster than you think; take it from someone who has been there.
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    Apr 25, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    I dont consider my self DL per say but I am comfortable in my skin. I wouldnt really deny it if I am asked but the fact that I am masculine helps. Some Members of my family dont know because of Drama. I stay away from it if I can avoid it.

    I have a lot of gay friends but I like guys who are more like me. I tend to find that guys who are more masculine blend in better with most crowds and our sexuality isn't really a big deal. I have always been like this. I have met guys randomly, str8 guys who are married and like guys or frat brothers. I think the Idea of DL is changing a bit with the world being a bit more accepting.

    You can come out to the entire world but if you are not accepting to yourself.
    You are worst off.
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    Apr 25, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    sahem62896 said
    Adrenalinejunkie saidLol I have a double life atm because I am going to a Christian school and hanging out with my straight friends during the week and going clubbing with my gay friends on the weekends. Some of my straight friends don't care I'm gay but I kinda keep it quiet from majority of other people.


    This is going to wear you out faster than you think; take it from someone who has been there.


    I agree Sahem but I think its even more tiring to have to keep say : " Hi I am joe and I am gay! all the time "
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    Apr 25, 2011 2:04 PM GMT
    You're on the DL but have a face pic up on a site? That's pretty DL, buddy. LOL.

    Why not just try making friends period regardless of their sexual orientation? Why not just be yourself? If people can't accept you for you then, in reality, you are better off without them as friends.

    HavokJock80...your situation sounds very similar to being DL but it sounds more shallow and you don't seem all that open about yourself. I'm basing my answer off of your comments stated here and nothing more.

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    Apr 25, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    HavenJock80 said
    I agree Sahem but I think its even more tiring to have to keep say : " Hi I am joe and I am gay! all the time "


    icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif

    Do you really think that out gay guys do this? Sounds like you've drunk the social conservative kool-aid that claims that out gay guys are always pushing their sexuality down others' throats. In any event, you're wrong. It is MUCH more exhausting to stay in the closet.

    You have some growing up to do. There's nothing wrong with masculine gay guys - you have a whole website here devoted to them. icon_wink.gif But the only reason that "down low" and other low-key gay guys are more accepted is because being gay has become more accepted. And why is that? Because openly gay guys - including guys who do not fit the stereotypes - have the courage to come out and just live their lives, with no apology.

    When I was in my 20s, a story in a local magazine made a reference to the gay area of town being full of florists and hairdressers "gamboling of an evening." Being the serious young lawyer that I was, I wrote a letter excoriating the author for assuming, in print, that all gay guys were flittery, lightweight queens in stereotypically fey professions. Look at how things have changed now!

    To the OP, guys who have taken the big step of being honest with both themselves and those around them - and I don't mean by being nelly, or by constantly saying "I'm gay," but just being who they are and not lying about it - are not as likely to want to hang out with guys who are embarrassed about themselves.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2011 2:43 PM GMT
    Stop being a goddamn pussy and just come tha fuck out tha fucking closet.
    Ok in all fairness that's easier said than done, but still...you'll be much happier once you do. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Apr 25, 2011 4:44 PM GMT
    Honestly, I dont see what coming out is. As long as I am comfortable with myself . I dont why its everyones business who I sleep with. I have never denied liking men but I am discreet - I have always been with personal things.

    I think some people just dont like the drama. its ok for some and some are ok.
    Now I agree if its something that keeps you from sleeping at night you should getit out your system but honestly.

    -----------------------

    Here is a story,

    Another reason why I don't like my business all over the news. Some people thrive on outing people. In my position at work, I am sure people have wondered and asked but its always that when you are single and look decent.
    but this guy has all these girl friends and he is like this dude is your typical" tells everyone he is gay who he wants to sleep with.. Etc... just out there. "I mean its fine for him it works for him but one day , I dont know what took me... big mistake... I decided to embrace being out more deal and hook up with him. I swear that day, These girls at work were there unexpectedly not doing anything and it was so weird. you can tell they were there because I was coming.

    He started this : I am gonna prove this guy is gay stuff: Inviting his girlffriends over just to prove a point.. Stuff like that really pisses me off , so I rather be discreet about my stuff. Not the same for everyone.
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    Apr 25, 2011 5:29 PM GMT
    These ideas are based on the assumptions that: (a) you want halfway-decent friends and not simple hookups, and (b) even if the friends you make aren't gay they'll probably be gay-friendly (and may have gay friends as well)...

    1. Work out (jog, bike, stretch, rollerblade, rock climb, etc.) at a consistent time outdoors, say, at a park, and after a few weeks strike up convo with people who see you regularly.

    2. Get a dog, a friggin' cute one, and walk it, stopping routinely to allow others (with and without dogs) to approach both you and Muffy. One way or another, heavy petting will ensue...

    3. Find the GLBT section of the bookstore or library... and get your read on. Don't worry, str8s never seem to know (or admit to knowing) where that aisle is. ;-)

    4. Find a non-religious non-profit organization and volunteer some consistent time there. Any guys you find there are less than likely to be creeps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2011 7:08 PM GMT
    In many ways it's no harder for a straight guy, or even one of us homosexuals. I myself found it hard to find true gay friends, because the bottom line was always sex based, thus no real friendship.
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    Apr 25, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    Quite a number of you are using the term DL improperly.

    Down-low (sexual slang): Men who identify as straight, but have sex with men (often a friend) on the side without disclosing this to their female partner(s).



    n August 2003 the New York Times Magazine ran a cover story called "Double Lives on the Down Low", written by Benoit Denizet-Lewis. Several episodes of The Oprah Winfrey Show were also dedicated to the subject including an episode aired 16 April 2004 and titled A Secret Sex World: Living on the 'Down Low' ; the show featured J.L. King discussing his book On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with Men.



    You don't like the word "closeted"........so on the DL sounds more PC.

    IF you're having sexy with men and don't tell you girlfriend or wife...it's Down Low.

    If you're only having sex with men and don't tell anyone anything about your sex life with men....you're closeted.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2011 7:41 PM GMT
    You say you're on the DL. Being on the DL implies that you hook up with guys, but don't want to tell anyone you're gay. So, you could go with one of your hookups to a gay club, if he's willing.
    Eventually you'll have to grow a pair to find some gay friends. Long Beach is a gay-friendly city. Go to The Center, check out the gay ghetto, go to a bar or club, or find a gay sports group.
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    Apr 25, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    You know, I don't really understand this whole coming out the closet thing. And I also don't understand what's DL about the O.P.

    If coming out the closet means calling everyone you know and telling them you're gay, that's more of a confession.

    I don't think anyone 'needs' to come out the closet. It's a gradual process and it should be done in steps. I remember how frightening it was for people to force me to come out the closet and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

    He's already taken the 1st step, putting an ad up on realjock gay forums. Now he wants to go to the next level and go to gay clubs. He's progressing, so let him be...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 26, 2011 1:49 AM GMT
    / The coming out process is a gradual one and that is true but there comes a point when you get so dang lonely you have to progress forward by doing something. I think the OP is at this stage and is asking for help of what to do. A lot of guys are at this stage and need some advice.

    Go to an organization or club where people have similar interests as you do. Check out meetup.com to see if these clubs exist. You say you're going to college and that's a great place to meet new friends. If you're a little shy don't worry- so is everyone else.

    Come out at your own pace but don't take too long, you may regret taking too long and look back seeing you missed years of your life. Plus, life is a lot better out of the closet. You'll gain experience to build off of, realize rejection is a blessing in disguise and realize just how diverse the community really is. You'll also find there's someone just like you out there when you put yourself out there more.

    Hope that helps.
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    Apr 27, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    Ehanson said/ The coming out process is a gradual one and that is true but there comes a point when you get so dang lonely you have to progress forward by doing something. I think the OP is at this stage and is asking for help of what to do. A lot of guys are at this stage and need some advice.

    Go to an organization or club where people have similar interests as you do. Check out meetup.com to see if these clubs exist. You say you're going to college and that's a great place to meet new friends. If you're a little shy don't worry- so is everyone else.

    Come out at your own pace but don't take too long, you may regret taking too long and look back seeing you missed years of your life. Plus, life is a lot better out of the closet. You'll gain experience to build off of, realize rejection is a blessing in disguise and realize just how diverse the community really is. You'll also find there's someone just like you out there when you put yourself out there more.

    Hope that helps.


    Dang, you kind of summarized what I'm going through. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in this issue. And sorry if I annoy some of you guys haha
    But after reading everyone's post, it makes me happy to be me (even though there are some tough love posts in here lol) thanks guys for the help!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 3:14 AM GMT
    I think coming out is about being truthful with yourself, and then being like the Honey Badger, in that you don't give a shit about who else knows. You're comfortable enough that you don't make it a big deal, but it's just one more part of your life. When you keep it inside you like "no one needs to know", it's like no one needs to know that you like to skateboard, but as Sahem said, it just takes more effort to be keeping it from others.
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    Apr 27, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    Sharing my experience I met my guy friends at a screening of gay cinema, so you do kind of need to get out a little of the closet to meet real people. take a peek of life outside.

    so we met while we waited for the movie to start, it helped that not all of us knew each other of course. and some of us exchanged fb's and i can tell I am in contact with them all of them so far. they are the best thing that has happened to me so far since 1) coming out y 2) my exboyfriend

    take a peek outside the closet, you'll like it ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    You can still act masculine and be out of the closet.

    I am open to many people at university (just not to my parents and some* friends for religious reasons).

    but I am still masculine in nature, and coming out didn't change how I act.

    So, if you want to make more gay friends, or at least make it easier for you to do so, just show your pride - in a masculine way.

    Go to a gay club and chat with people... ge tto know them... tell them you are looking for other gay men to hang out with.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 1:22 PM GMT
    See I'm not openly out as bi because of various issues and peoples use as leverages and family matters. However my close friends whom I'm in complete trust understand and embrace me as I am.

    Honestly once I am ready, it will be done. So listen to some the advices above, they are helpful