My sister wants us to go to counceling...

  • Brando

    Posts: 161

    Apr 27, 2011 8:41 AM GMT
    So the other day my sister calls me and after talking for a bit we start talking about a job offer that I no longer cared about.

    *PAUSE*
    It was a job working with the government. I decided not to fallow that road since, in order to get the job I would need a clearance, which means backround check.
    Now Ive heard from a few people that its preferred that you are out because it shows that you arent hiding anythign and you cant be blackmailed later on for it. Ive also heard that from the 9 or 10 refrences you give them, the government will contact over 100 people who know you. The problem I have with that....
    ... I am not out to a whole lot of people. ..Including my family.
    I do not want ANYONE going to talk to any "refrences" and ask if they know about my being gay or who Ive dated or what Ive done, because they will get back tons of different answers.
    So I decided it wasnt really a job I wanted anyway. No big deal.

    *PLAY*
    ...When she asks why I suddenly seemed unintrested the only thing I could respond with was "I dont know"

    She kept pushing it and didnt "understand" me.
    I apologised and told her "Im sorry that she couldnt understand where I was coming from and I just couldnt explain to her why i didnt want it."


    Today, she calls me back and asks me to consider going to counceling with her and my dad so we could all start to understand each other a bit more instead of constantly having these issuses between us.

    She tells me if i dont see the need to go, we wont. But it was more somthing that SHE wants to do.
    I think the real reason that causes some of our problems is the fact that Im not out and I dont want to have to go to counceling for that. I also dont want to tell her or my dad. Im not ready and I personally dont see the harm in not telling them.

    But, what do I do? What can I tell her?


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 10:20 AM GMT
    I just viewed your profile- and you offer yourself the perfect "out" in what you wrote. "Soon I'd like to move out to Cali so I can pursue my acting and modeling career further than just a community theater. Its gonna be a tough ride I know, but you gotta do what your passionate about otherwise there's really no point to living your life... YOUR life"

    Tell them that pursuing the job offer would tie you to a place that you do not want to be right now. Tell them that you plan on moving and that it unfair to both the employer and yourself to apply because you will not be happy there and do not want a long term job when you are planning on moving. Even if you did get it and chose to stay you would feel "cheated" out of the opportunity to move and chase your dreams...

    Fine, you don't want to come out- just be honest with the rest of your life and your ambitions and it will likely help smooth over some of the friction. It sounds like they probably do not know you are wanting to move and it makes me wonder how much other "stuff" you are hiding from them. You don't have to come out, but if you are trying to hide that as well as all of your plans, dreams and ambitions from them you are setting up a lot of barriers and having to be very distant; that is likely what they are concerned about.

    Best of luck...
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Apr 27, 2011 10:45 AM GMT
    I agree that you have the perfect reason for not taking the job in that you wish to pursue other things in another location. However......why haven't you moved yet? What are you waiting for?

    And more to the point....i'm not saying you need to shout it from the rooftops but maybe it's time you consider confiding in your sister about your sexual orientation. It could go a long way in repairing that relationship and gaining her trust, and if you want to do that in front of a counselor/therapist even better to help her understand you in a calm environment.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Apr 27, 2011 11:20 AM GMT
    If he didn't want to take the job because he plans to move out to California that's one thing, but that's not what he said.

    Frankly, Brando, I think you made much ado about nothing. I'm not sure how far along you got with the application process, but I don't recall identifying my sexuality on the application. I don't recall it being brought up during the interview with the federal agent, nor do I remember seeing it on the form my mom needed to fill out and return to them to verify some information I put on my application.

    And even if they did hear conflicting reports about whether you were out or not, which I'm not sure why it would be brought up, that is nothing to prevent you from getting a job. You think they don't understand that people are out to some and not to others? It's one thing if you were married and they talked to your wife and then spoke with a male best friend of yours who identified you as his fiancee. Maybe that will cause some concern. But not this. I think you overreacted.

    You don't need counseling. But don't do that again.
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Apr 27, 2011 11:30 AM GMT
    I just want to comment on your reasons for not taking the government job, because I am currently going through the rigorous process of getting clearance. Never once have I mentioned to the investigator that I am gay, because I have never been given reason to. The only question that could possibly request a person to out themself is the one which asks if there is anything someone could hold against you as blackmail. (They also ask for any current spousal situation, but I'm guessing you're not to that point yet.)

    The government doesn't care so much what you do in your personal life, they just want to make sure that you are not a criminal and that you can keep a secret. All of the people who have been interviewed about me have said they ask very boring questions - Is there any reason I shouldn't be given government secrets? Do I have any problems with drugs/alcohol? Have I ever committed any crimes?

    So I would look into things more before you dismiss this job. If you have other reasons too, that's perfectly fine, but I wouldn't use the background check as your only reason to not pursue a potential opportunity!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 2:27 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like your sister knows about you already. Most of the time, your family knows... I don't care if you think you're the straightest guy on earth... they still probably know. And is sounds to me (however selfish it is) like your sister is trying to give you an out. I'm not saying it's the greatest form of family communication, or that I'm completely right about this, but it has the same bearings that my situation had back about a year ago.

    However, I don't think being in the closet is an excuse not to want a job, not if it's something that you would like to do, and could make a good living off of it. People are gonna know eventually (if they don't already), so why miss an opportunity like this?

    I say all this with the assumption that this is a job that you really want to do though, so if that's not true, then screw it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 2:30 PM GMT
    Brando saidSo the other day my sister calls me and after talking for a bit we start talking about a job offer that I no longer cared about.

    *PAUSE*
    It was a job working with the government. I decided not to fallow that road since, in order to get the job I would need a clearance, which means backround check.
    Now Ive heard from a few people that its preferred that you are out because it shows that you arent hiding anythign and you cant be blackmailed later on for it. Ive also heard that from the 9 or 10 refrences you give them, the government will contact over 100 people who know you. The problem I have with that....
    ... I am not out to a whole lot of people. ..Including my family.
    I do not want ANYONE going to talk to any "refrences" and ask if they know about my being gay or who Ive dated or what Ive done, because they will get back tons of different answers.
    So I decided it wasnt really a job I wanted anyway. No big deal.

    *PLAY*
    ...When she asks why I suddenly seemed unintrested the only thing I could respond with was "I dont know"

    She kept pushing it and didnt "understand" me.
    I apologised and told her "Im sorry that she couldnt understand where I was coming from and I just couldnt explain to her why i didnt want it."


    Today, she calls me back and asks me to consider going to counceling with her and my dad so we could all start to understand each other a bit more instead of constantly having these issuses between us.

    She tells me if i dont see the need to go, we wont. But it was more somthing that SHE wants to do.
    I think the real reason that causes some of our problems is the fact that Im not out and I dont want to have to go to counceling for that. I also dont want to tell her or my dad. Im not ready and I personally dont see the harm in not telling them.

    But, what do I do? What can I tell her?


    ...and people wonder why so many gays have emotional problems.

    Dude, just fucking come out of the goddamn closet before you go fucking insane.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 2:46 PM GMT
    paulflexes said...and people wonder why so many gays have emotional problems.

    Dude, just fucking come out of the goddamn closet before you go fucking insane.


    Gotta agree with this one. OP, you have twisted yourself up into a pretzel over something as to which there is a much easier solution...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Apr 27, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    Brando saidI also dont want to tell her or my dad. Im not ready and I personally dont see the harm in not telling them.





    If you're not ready, then you're not ready -- period. No one should have to come out and tell the people they love and trust until they are emotionally ready to do that. That being said, don't be surprised if/when you do come out to your family that they are not all that surprised, and perhaps even suspected this all along. You will likely learn, as many of us did, that you made a far greater deal about it than they will. Regardless, don't let anyone tell you that you should come out if you're not ready to do that yet. However, I assure you that when the day comes that you finally do come out, more likely than not you will wish you hadn't waited so long and didn't waste so much time stressing about it and hiding your true self from the people who will love you unconditionally.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 27, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    Yes; if you are going for a SCI clearance, you're whole life history is open to inspection. For instance, the FBI contacts your high school teachers, college professors, former neighbors, co-workers who have worked with you in the past on a regular basis, family members, and anyone else they can think of that might have intimate knowledge of who you are as a person - at least in regard to people who are aiming to become FBI agents. They ask rather cursory questions, but their is an overarching agenda behind the questions they ask. Polygraphs are also mandatory as well for many agencies, but I think they are truly pointless. Anyone can falsify a polygraph test - so just imagine someone who is trained in deception and evasion.

    I would imagine the CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, etc. would have similar or more invasive protocols when it comes to granting SCI clearances or access to SCI information. From what I know about the federal government, I wouldn't be surprised if they coerced you to delete your RJ account, and any other online account where you could potentially expose or covertly transmit classified information. You effectively give up a lot of freedoms you'd otherwise take for granted. Who you date, your financial status, where you can travel, what you can publish (even after you leave the federal govt.), and so on are scrutinized and/or prohibited. Your life is consequently run by the government.

    And yes.... I think if you are not 'out' or prepared to come out, you'll have a difficult time getting a SCI clearance. They will undoubtedly use your predisposition to not come out or not be 'out' to bar you from getting a SCI clearance. They've done it in the past, and will undoubtedly do it now. In fact, for a long, long time, the federal government's cornerstone reason for banning homosexuals from the intelligence community, the DOS, the DOD, and broader national security network was because homosexuals were predisposed to be blackmailed because of their/our sexuality - this sort of homo-paranoia was especially prevalent during the Cold War. So.... I don't blame you for passing on the job; I would too.

    As for counseling, I think that is ultimately a very personal discussion that only you can make. I wouldn't go because it's pointless, at least for me. I don't easily talk about my personal life with people I know let alone someone I don't know who is only talking to me because they are being paid to do so. I could go, but I'd probably sit there silently the whole time.

    If you don't feel comfortable coming out to your family, then DO NOT come out to them. Do it on your own terms, and no one else's. If you think counseling will help, then go. I personally would come out on my own terms without a counselor involved because I think some auxiliary, non-family person in the mix would cause me more problems than provide a solution. Good luck!
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    Apr 27, 2011 7:15 PM GMT
    Brando said
    I think the real reason that causes some of our problems is the fact that Im not out and I dont want to have to go to counceling for that. I also dont want to tell her or my dad. Im not ready and I personally dont see the harm in not telling them.


    Didn't you answer your own question? Your not being out to your sister and your dad is causing issues amongst you. It's a wedge.
    As long as you don't mind having a poor relationship with your family, keep lying to them.

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 27, 2011 7:27 PM GMT
    I agree with the above. What's holding you back? Sounds like you have everything to gain and the things that you'd lose are in your head.

    But, if you're not ready for that you can tell her that you're worried about spelling being important to the job. Like references, uninterested (or even disinterested), counseling and apologizing, among others. If you're from the UK, it would explain the misspellings of the last two.
  • Brando

    Posts: 161

    Apr 27, 2011 7:56 PM GMT
    Nope. I'm just a horrible speller. Thanks for pointing out one of my flaws, but I already know.
  • Brando

    Posts: 161

    Apr 27, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    Alpha1 Thank you. Word for word, I completely agree with you. That's how I feel.

    As for not moving to Cali right now, I am slightly in the hole here. $$$ only slightly... but nonetheless. I really am not thrilled about the government job in the first place, and still do plan on moving. It was an issue we had discussed and she said that no job can make you show up. So if I did ever want to quit the government one and move, I could.

    And yes, I know that wonderful feeling of coming out. But I do not think my dad with agree with it, and the fact that he is the one who I live with, I don't want him knowing.. even if he already knows (..which then there's no point to tell him anyhow). As for my sister, telling her is on my agenda, but .. I wasn't planning on saying anything right now.
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Apr 27, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    Alpha1 saidYes; if you are going for a SCI clearance, you're whole life history is open to inspection. For instance, the FBI contacts your high school teachers, college professors, former neighbors, co-workers who have worked with you in the past on a regular basis, family members, and anyone else they can think of that might have intimate knowledge of who you are as a person - at least in regard to people who are aiming to become FBI agents. They ask rather cursory questions, but their is an overarching agenda behind the questions they ask. Polygraphs are also mandatory as well for many agencies, but I think they are truly pointless. Anyone can falsify a polygraph test - so just imagine someone who is trained in deception and evasion.

    I would imagine the CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, etc. would have similar or more invasive protocols when it comes to granting SCI clearances or access to SCI information. From what I know about the federal government, I wouldn't be surprised if they coerced you to delete your RJ account, and any other online account where you could potentially expose or covertly transmit classified information. You effectively give up a lot of freedoms you'd otherwise take for granted. Who you date, your financial status, where you can travel, what you can publish (even after you leave the federal govt.), and so on are scrutinized and/or prohibited. Your life is consequently run by the government.

    And yes.... I think if you are not 'out' or prepared to come out, you'll have a difficult time getting a SCI clearance. They will undoubtedly use your predisposition to not come out or not be 'out' to bar you from getting a SCI clearance. They've done it in the past, and will undoubtedly do it now. In fact, for a long, long time, the federal government's cornerstone reason for banning homosexuals from the intelligence community, the DOS, the DOD, and broader national security network was because homosexuals were predisposed to be blackmailed because of their/our sexuality - this sort of homo-paranoia was especially prevalent during the Cold War. So.... I don't blame you for passing on the job; I would too.


    No offense Alpha, but I don't think you know what you're talking about. Yes, for SCI and Top Secret, your entire life is up for investigation. If you are not comfortable being out, then you may not want to get TS. BUT, TS is a relatively high-level clearance. There are two levels beneath it (Secret and Confidential) which do not require as rigorous a background check. I would not expect many jobs to require you to apply for TS. While many people in my company do have that clearance, the majority do not. Some people don't pass the check (mainly because of foreign connections), but most people just don't need that level of clearance to do their job. And for those people who didn't pass the check, that just means they don't work on certain projects.

    As for the list of 'restrictions' you gave that having a clearance will have on your lifestyle, I think most of them are BS. While some of it might be plausible depending on the type of work you would be doing, I could only ever imagine that affecting your foreign interactions. If the government would try to coerce you to delete any online accounts that might allow you to transmit classified information, then they would have to lock you in a cell with no internet or phone access either.

    And finally, once you have a clearance, if you wish to make life changes that would affect your 'threat to security', then you just lose your clearance. My boss once had SCI, married someone from Eastern Europe, and now has Secret. He didn't have a trial, he didn't lose his job, he just stopped working on certain projects.

    So Brando, again, please, do not discount a job opportunity because of a background check. At least do some research into the type of clearance that would be required and what the full process is. Like I said before, I am going through the process, and not once have they given me reason to bring up my homosexuality.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Apr 27, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    You're living your life in a way that you think will make OTHER PEOPLE happy, at the expense of your own happiness.

    You're lying to your family. Are you planning to lie to your family after you start dating guys ? How about after you and a guy get a place together ?

    If I was in your place, I'd JUMP at the chance of a government job. Do you honestly think that you'd be the only gay person working for the government ?

    Follow your dreams, not somebody else's.

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    Apr 27, 2011 10:20 PM GMT
    Not for Nutt'n
    I've survived a few background checks and don't think my sexuality was of concerned, or if it was...who cares...I got the Job.
    As for your sis...for gosh sakes tell her. She knows somethings up and worries...good on her.
    I'm betting the sisters of young gay men who've kill themselves wish they would have done something when they knew something was up.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Apr 27, 2011 10:27 PM GMT
    Being gay is not considered 'blackmailable' by the federal government. They did want to know if I was in a permanent relationship, but that was it. Having done the interviews (for other people), they do not give information, the investigators only collect it. My parents, who I am out to, did not get to interview, because I didn't need them as references- and the government prefers that you not give blood relatives. As for the 100s, they didn't even contact everyone I offered them and I have never been told by anyone that they were unexpectedly contacted.

    They will run a credit check, but the background check really is not that intense a review. The hard part is just putting together everything they ask from you up front.

    Note: I am cleared at the Confidential step, the lowest.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Apr 27, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    Karnage said

    No offense Alpha, but I don't think you know what you're talking about. Yes, for SCI and Top Secret, your entire life is up for investigation. If you are not comfortable being out, then you may not want to get TS. BUT, TS is a relatively high-level clearance. There are two levels beneath it (Secret and Confidential) which do not require as rigorous a background check. I would not expect many jobs to require you to apply for TS. While many people in my company do have that clearance, the majority do not. Some people don't pass the check (mainly because of foreign connections), but most people just don't need that level of clearance to do their job. And for those people who didn't pass the check, that just means they don't work on certain projects.

    As for the list of 'restrictions' you gave that having a clearance will have on your lifestyle, I think most of them are BS. While some of it might be plausible depending on the type of work you would be doing, I could only ever imagine that affecting your foreign interactions. If the government would try to coerce you to delete any online accounts that might allow you to transmit classified information, then they would have to lock you in a cell with no internet or phone access either.

    And finally, once you have a clearance, if you wish to make life changes that would affect your 'threat to security', then you just lose your clearance. My boss once had SCI, married someone from Eastern Europe, and now has Secret. He didn't have a trial, he didn't lose his job, he just stopped working on certain projects.

    So Brando, again, please, do not discount a job opportunity because of a background check. At least do some research into the type of clearance that would be required and what the full process is. Like I said before, I am going through the process, and not once have they given me reason to bring up my homosexuality.


    Yes, top secret is considered high, and it is the highest "official" SCI level that is acknowledged by the federal government. Secret, confidential, and formerly "restricted" (which isn't utilized anymore) are lower levels of compartmentalization. You will not be as thoroughly screened as you would for "top secret". Federal agents are required to have a "top secret" SCI level in order to have their jobs, courtesy of George W. Bush.

    Polygraphs may or may not be considered in the process of granting SCI clearances - virtually all federal law enforcement and intelligence agencies utilize polygraphs to weed out people engaged in deception or who may be security risks in the future. They do use questions - you answered prior to the test and answered by other people regarding you - in polygraph testing to see if you are lying about something. Irregularities are 'red flags.' If they ask multiple people the same question, but get very different answers... they will and do ask these same questions to the person being polygraphed. I don't know if the OP would be subjected to such a scenario, but it's not impossible - it depends on the job.

    Diplomats and Foreign Service personnel must be able to acquire and maintain a top secret SCI in order to be employed or maintain their employment 'titles.' Yes, these people can have relationships with foreign nationals, however they will not be given access to information that would be construed as a threat to the security of the United States... if it got into the hands of a foreign national. Just because you have a Confidential, Secret, or Top Secret clearance doesn't mean you can get access to anything at that respective level.

    If you work for: the CIA, Defense Intelligence Agency, NSA, or some other auxiliary of the intelligence community, what you can and can not do are highly restricted. You can not - under any circumstances - date, marry, or have some intimate relationship with a foreign national. Ask the former governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who had his SCI top secret clearance pulled by DHS for having an affair with an Argentine woman; he was undoubtedly seen as a blackmail target, and consequently needed to have his access pulled... and he wasn't even an employee of an intelligence agency. The DIA explicitly stated that even after you leave employment with the agency, anything you publish must be reviewed by them in order to make certain you are not disclosing classified information.

    You can not gallivant across the globe without prior notice and/or approval to the agency/auxiliary you work for. Your finances (sometimes "life style" as in cars you drive, house you live in, etc.) are monitored for any indication you are or have been engaged in espionage, etc. If you have bad credit, it might hurt your chances of getting a SCI clearance because you will be construed as a blackmail/manipulation risk, and may be inclined to sell compartmentalized information for financial compensation. You may have to delete and abstain from utilizing social networking websites to prevent the unauthorized dissemination of compartmentalized information - think "loose lips sink ships" concept. Additionally, social networking websites like Facebook, are a treasure trove of information for people who may be interested in manipulating you and/or gathering intelligence about you. It's only logical, in my mind, that someone with a SCI clearance could be asked to delete such an account. I don't know of any incidents where that was in fact the case, but it has been implied to me by people associated with the CIA and DIA.

    If you are employed as a contractor or subcontractor by the US government, you may have eased restrictions, but your SCI clearance is granted and reviewed at the pure discretion of the US government. Maybe that will clarify what I was talking about. In the end, it depends on what you do, and where you work. I don't know what the OP's job entailed, but I'm giving you a generalized description of what to expect with SCI related examinations. Though, I can state for fact that in the past, homosexuals were often, if not always, denied SCI clearances because they were seen as blackmail targets. If you are in the closet, and desperately want to stay that way, you may do anything necessary to ensure such a reality, including selling or transmitting classified information to unauthorized individuals/entities - or so that is how the mentality was back then. The same logic applied, and still applies to people who are engaged in extramarital affairs, etc. I don't see why the logic would change now.


    ----

    Amended - I'd like to add that I'm not saying all that to be facetious, but I'm just stating the fact that these sorts of protocols exist. It is not my custom to make a jackass out of myself in person or online by saying/posting fictitious or specious information. Unless I've been lied to by the US government through their efforts to recruit me and as an undergraduate writing numerous 30-35 page research papers on foreign policy, defense policy, and espionage that has taken place in the US, what I've stated is what I know to be fact.

    Whether he'd be subjected to the most intrusive SCI background imaginable, I don't know; he'd be in more of a place to know than me. As for the OP's employment with the government, that is his choice not mine. If he isn't happy with his job, I wouldn't blame him for leaving. I'd be somewhat edgy myself about a background check, given what he stated regarding him not being out. Maybe I'm paranoia? who knows, but I do know that being in the closet has proved to be a problem in the past for people - and that is also fact. Hopefully, it won't be a problem for him if he choses to stay in the line of work.


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    Apr 27, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    Allathlete saidSounds to me like your sister knows about you already. Most of the time, your family knows... I don't care if you think you're the straightest guy on earth... they still probably know.

    That was exactly my read, Brando. The job is simply the pretense to discuss other family issues, perhaps some of which originate with them suspecting that you are gay (either their problems, or your walls).

    When I first came out to my parents, they wanted the 3 of us to go see a counselor. We did and it was a good experience. My dad (absent minded hard science prof, probably had never much heard of homosexuality before) initially thought I could be "cured". We got that out of the way (and a whole lot more) in one session of one hour.

    Maybe 45 minutes into it, the psychologist turned to my parents and said: he seems to be comfortable with his sexuality... are you?

    So this may be a good opportunity for you to have an open and honest discussion with your sister/dad - and come out to them with a professional who will support you.

    Caveat: for all I know, they have a therapist in mind who believes in "curing" gay people.

    Here's what I would do (sure, it's easy for me to say this, but do consider it): tell them you'll go provided that you get to pick the therapist. Before doing that, find a gay/friendly therapist (most all are). You can probably get recommendations from your local LGBT center - or ask here.

    After that, you can discuss the job... and maybe then you'll fee comfortable applying for it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2011 11:02 PM GMT
    My sexual orientation or that of several gay buds who are Feds never came up in any of our background checks. I offered it up in my last interview and got a raised eyebrow and nothing more. Every federal employee has had a back ground check since 9/11 and every time you get a promotion or supervisory position they come around again. An old fat grumpy gruff rumpled retired CIA agent on contract to do background checks and reference checks comes around and interviews you and some of your references. They ask leading questions. Don't take the bait. Treat it like a deposition or testimony and just answer short and concise. Don't offer anything up tangential to the question. The old dude will scribble a lot in a pad, thank you for your time and move on. They are looking for drug/alcohol abuse, gambling problems, financial difficulties (bankruptcy will kill a secret or top secret clearance), prior criminal record, etc. The web of interviewees is wider the higher the clearance but it's really no big deal. I have joked to some friends about "how much is it worth to you" (them) for me to be a good and honest reference as I could have some fun w/it. I could easily get disciplined for that I guess so it'd work against me in the end.
  • UVaRob9

    Posts: 282

    Apr 27, 2011 11:22 PM GMT
    I was never asked anything about personal relationships other than friends or roommates when I got my Secret clearance. If you're not being investigated for a TS-SCI, I'd recommend looking at the SF-85p and SF-86 on OPM's website to give you an idea of what they're really asking instead of assuming that they're going to ask about your sexual orientation. One final thing: the act of hiding something usually causes more problems than the object of your concealment.
  • macguyver32

    Posts: 75

    Apr 28, 2011 12:04 AM GMT
    Seriously, you need to move towards the whole notion of being out. It frees up your mind from all of the stories that you have to tell to different folks about your life.

    Being out doesn't mean that you wear it on your sleeve. You don't have to tell people you are gay. I don't unless it is a need to know person such as close friends etc. However, people who you have close personal relationships with, such as family, will find you to be distant or 'in need of counseling' because they are trying to figure out why you are shielding your life/personality to them if they don't know. Granted they may think that you 'need counseling' if you do come out to them, but your sister is at least hopefully socially conscious to understand the source and nature of being gay. Dad, another story...

    The rest of the world doesn't need to know, but you should never make stuff up about yourself or lie. A simple refusal to answer and change of subject work well enough.

    BTW even though you think someone, such as your dad, 'may already know' doesn't mean that the conversation shouldn't/doesn't need to take place. He may, and rightly so, be waiting for you to tell him.

    It's all part of growing up... Taking responsibility for our lives and actions.

    Tell your sister first that way she may be able to give you feedback about your dad and what he may or may not think/feel. I'm reasonably sure they talk about you for whatever reason.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Apr 28, 2011 1:52 AM GMT
    Brando, you really do not say specifically what issues your sister is concerned with. Have you thought of sitting down with her and asking? Maybe do the same thing, separately, with your father? They may be worried about not communicating in general, or that there is something oter an your sexuality that is involved.

    As for the job check. Don't sweat it. First, an agent is not going to reveal anything to a person who acts as a reference. The agent is there it gather, not broadcast. Secondly, once the information about you is gathered it will be confidential. These guys love to hide stuff, not share it. Last, I have been interviewed several times as a reference for a government background check. Sexual preference has never come up. Ever.

    If you don't want the job, fine. You do need to have a working relationship with your family though. You will not always agree, but, as adults, you should be able to work through things. Sure it may be hard now. You do not have to have sex enter into present discussions. In the long run you will be very, very glad you learned to talk with them. It is just part of the painful process of getting into adulthood. Good luck.