Cheating Dicks

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    Apr 05, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    So I know that monogamous relationships have been mentioned countless times in these forums but my intent is not to rehash anything that has been discussed already. Instead I want to know, “What do you consider cheating?”

    I believe the longevity of a relationship is dependent on your partner’s perception of cheating. It is always within human nature to stray and with the passage of time the urge to cheat becomes stronger. Unfortunately, many succumb to these urges and ultimately it results in the relationship ending.

    I got the idea for this forum while watching “The L Word” (Awesome show). So these lesbians were discussing the issue of cheating and surprisingly a few of them considered kissing as a form of cheating and others even considered the very thought of doing something of a sexual nature with someone other than your partner cheating. So I was wondering if gay men held a similar view.

    I pose this question to those who are currently dating/married to a woman or a man, those who have been in a monogamous relationship, those currently in a monogamous relationship or those that plan to be in a monogamous relationship in the future.

    What do you consider cheating?
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
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    Apr 05, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    I walked in on my then-bf some years ago while he was having phone sex with some guy he met on the computer.

    He was MORTIFIED. I just laughed and told him to carry on. Then I left to give him some privacy. But he hung up on the guy and immediately followed me down the hall babbling apologies. He didn't get it. I didn't mind.
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    Apr 05, 2008 2:56 AM GMT
    Depends on what we've agreed to at the start of things. I'm very possessive, but incredibly lenient simultaneously. Hmmm, icon_confused.gif perhaps I'm not a good person to answer this one.
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    Apr 05, 2008 3:05 AM GMT
    I am with RitC,

    I am pretty possessive but I don't get jealous. As long as I still feel the passion between the guy I'm with, I'm satisfied. It's the little things that matter to me, so if someone suddenly isn't interested in going for walks, having movie nights in, making dinner, just hanging out, then I start to feel like there's less interested.

    As fas as cheating goes, when I'm exclusive, I'm exclusive and I make that known. If I've ever had a thing kinda lingering, I'm make sure to tell that person it couldn't happen again and they respect that because if they were in the same position, they would probably want the same thing in return. I would be very upset and even consider it cheating if there was sexual talk or sexual tension between my guy and someone else - only because I wouldn't do that to them so I'd expect the same thing in return.

    It depends on the nature of the relationship. As long as everyone is open and honest, then that's fine.

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    Apr 05, 2008 3:10 AM GMT
    jprichva saidI walked in on my then-bf some years ago while he was having phone sex with some guy he met on the computer.

    He was MORTIFIED. I just laughed and told him to carry on. Then I left to give him some privacy. But he hung up on the guy and immediately followed me down the hall babbling apologies. He didn't get it. I didn't mind.


    OK jprichva, what you are saying is that you don't consider it cheating unless there is physical contact?
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    Apr 05, 2008 3:24 AM GMT
    I heard a good definition of cheating on Sirius OutQ sattelite radio.

    Doing something with another person with the INTENT of getting off.

    Doesn't mean you have to get off, but if there is intent. While it's going to depend on what you agree to with your BF/partner. I think that is the best overall definition. It could include cyber, phone, "lunch dates", etc.
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    Apr 05, 2008 3:31 AM GMT
    As far as my partner and I are concerned, we've agreed that physical contact of a sexual or intimate nature is "cheating". Just because we're in a monogamous relationship that we plan on having for the rest of our lives, that doesn't mean neither of us is going to look, or fantasize. We're not dead, after all. But, when it moves further than a casual, friendly hug... it's cheating.

    So, in our case, it's a policy of "look but don't touch".
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    Apr 05, 2008 4:14 AM GMT
    well as a token married guy, I'd like to say that cheating is going out and getting laid with another woman (oh sorry guys) but reality is that going out with another guy and doing anything with the idea of keeping it from your partner is cheating. Yep, guilty as charged, not proud but not dead either. I know a lot of guys feel it's OK as long as it's with a guy and not a woman but that's just plain selfish, from a married guy, that's just self justification!
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    Apr 05, 2008 4:20 AM GMT
    I truly find it amusing, to read on peoples profile. In monogamous relationship. yet they are happy too Show body parts, and participate in dirty talk. I laugh to myself, as this is not really being monogamous.

    But hay.. One has stated many times here, that One has two long term relationship's. One of 15 years, and the other 9 years. Yet One does not have to have sex with em, too keep em! So One is all for polygamy, as man was not created to be monogamous. Thats my 10 cents, my two cents is free.
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    Apr 05, 2008 4:43 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Pattison said[/cite] I truly find it amusing, to read on peoples profile. In monogamous relationship. yet they are happy too Show body parts, and participate in dirty talk. I laugh to myself, as this is not really being monogamous.[quote]

    Well, you're gonna see guys showing "body parts" on RJ because it is, after all, mainly a fitness site. In fact, you'll also see guys showing body parts on the beach, too... and depending on what kind of beach it is, you might see more or less body parts. My opinion is, if you've worked hard to build a great body and you want to show it off, by all means do so. Regardless of either person's relationship status, showing skin doesn't mean sex is going to happen. If you go to a bar and a guy is stripping on the dance floor, that doesn't mean you're going to have sex with him. Looking doesn't violate monogamy.

    As for "dirty talk", if you mean adult language, I don't see where that's not being monogamous. If you mean "cyber sex" or "phone sex", that's bordering on a line that each couple has to define for themselves. Some relationships don't consider that cheating, some do. I haven't had to really think much about that because neither of us are into cyber or phone sex, so unless that changes, it's not an issue with us.

    As for monogamy, this man was created to be monogamous. Some men can't be monogamous and some can. It depends on the person.
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    Apr 05, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidwell as a token married guy, I'd like to say that cheating is going out and getting laid with another woman (oh sorry guys) but reality is that going out with another guy and doing anything with the idea of keeping it from your partner is cheating. Yep, guilty as charged, not proud but not dead either. I know a lot of guys feel it's OK as long as it's with a guy and not a woman but that's just plain selfish, from a married guy, that's just self justification!

    I know a guy like that... in fact, my sister is currently in the middle of divorcing him. Needless to say, he's not too high on my list of people I like because he really hurt my sister... but the really sad thing about it was, he brought the guy home while my sister was at work one night... and when she came home, there they were, slung up in the bed... icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Apr 05, 2008 5:03 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidwell as a token married guy, I'd like to say that cheating is going out and getting laid with another woman (oh sorry guys) but reality is that going out with another guy and doing anything with the idea of keeping it from your partner is cheating. Yep, guilty as charged, not proud but not dead either. I know a lot of guys feel it's OK as long as it's with a guy and not a woman but that's just plain selfish, from a married guy, that's just self justification!

    OMG, we're busted..... I wishicon_wink.gif
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    Apr 05, 2008 6:03 AM GMT
    NativeDude said[quote][cite]Pattison said[/cite] I truly find it amusing, to read on peoples profile. In monogamous relationship. yet they are happy too Show body parts, and participate in dirty talk. I laugh to myself, as this is not really being monogamous.[quote]

    Well, you're gonna see guys showing "body parts" on RJ because it is, after all, mainly a fitness site. In fact, you'll also see guys showing body parts on the beach, too... and depending on what kind of beach it is, you might see more or less body parts. My opinion is, if you've worked hard to build a great body and you want to show it off, by all means do so. Regardless of either person's relationship status, showing skin doesn't mean sex is going to happen. If you go to a bar and a guy is stripping on the dance floor, that doesn't mean you're going to have sex with him. Looking doesn't violate monogamy.

    As for "dirty talk", if you mean adult language, I don't see where that's not being monogamous. If you mean "cyber sex" or "phone sex", that's bordering on a line that each couple has to define for themselves. Some relationships don't consider that cheating, some do. I haven't had to really think much about that because neither of us are into cyber or phone sex, so unless that changes, it's not an issue with us.

    As for monogamy, this man was created to be monogamous. Some men can't be monogamous and some can. It depends on the person.


    One would never deprive another of the right to have an opinion! But mental mind fucking, in my book, does breach the rules of monogamy. Maybe One should of stated body part!

    One has the ability to be monogamous. But One would never expect this from another, as men by nature are sluts...... How is man meant too spread his seed, if he limits himself to one.

    Many men want to fool themselves, and by doing so will justify their acts. But since One is promoting polygamy. One is being realistic about such issues...
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    Apr 05, 2008 6:10 AM GMT
    eb925guy saidwell as a token married guy, I'd like to say that cheating is going out and getting laid with another woman (oh sorry guys) but reality is that going out with another guy and doing anything with the idea of keeping it from your partner is cheating. Yep, guilty as charged, not proud but not dead either. I know a lot of guys feel it's OK as long as it's with a guy and not a woman but that's just plain selfish, from a married guy, that's just self justification!


    When One was in Ones 20s. Ones preference was to date married men, as they did not want to get all serious. Ones job at this time, allowed One too meet lots of married Men, doing the baths, and out on the dawn Low. But what we did together, definitely constituted breaching the rules of monogamy.

    Like a guy on the dawn low. He is not str8, but bi. No matter how much he tries to fool himself.
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    Apr 05, 2008 6:20 AM GMT
    NativeDude saidAs far as my partner and I are concerned, we've agreed that physical contact of a sexual or intimate nature is "cheating". Just because we're in a monogamous relationship that we plan on having for the rest of our lives, that doesn't mean neither of us is going to look, or fantasize. We're not dead, after all. But, when it moves further than a casual, friendly hug... it's cheating.

    So, in our case, it's a policy of "look but don't touch".
    I am with you on that one 100%!
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    Apr 05, 2008 7:01 AM GMT
    PattisonBut One would never expect this from another, as men by nature are sluts......

    I beg to differ, my friend. That is a generalization which, as is true with all generalizations, is all-inclusive by implication. The fact is, I know lots of men... myself and my partner included... who are not "sluts by nature".

    I've dated a few guys in the past who thought that way, and who bought into all that BS about "spreading your seed". From my perspective, it's a convenient cop-out that is not at all based on scientific or biological fact. The truth, in my experience with such men, is that they're afraid to commit to one partner because they think they're going to miss out on something that might be "better", or they're simply incapable of being satisfied sexually by just one partner. If that's the way a person wishes to live, then that's fine, but be honest about it... monogamy isn't for everyone... but such excuses and rationale as "spreading your seed" or "men are by nature sluts" just doesn't hold water with me. Sorry.
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    Apr 05, 2008 7:42 AM GMT
    Lazz said
    OK jprichva, what you are saying is that you don't consider it cheating unless there is physical contact?


    Exactly. I'm not saying that should be everybody's criterion, but it is the way I feel.
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    Apr 05, 2008 12:24 PM GMT
    NativeDude said[quote][cite]Pattison[/cite]But One would never expect this from another, as men by nature are sluts......

    I beg to differ, my friend. That is a generalization which, as is true with all generalizations, is all-inclusive by implication. The fact is, I know lots of men... myself and my partner included... who are not "sluts by nature".

    I've dated a few guys in the past who thought that way, and who bought into all that BS about "spreading your seed". From my perspective, it's a convenient cop-out that is not at all based on scientific or biological fact. The truth, in my experience with such men, is that they're afraid to commit to one partner because they think they're going to miss out on something that might be "better", or they're simply incapable of being satisfied sexually by just one partner. If that's the way a person wishes to live, then that's fine, but be honest about it... monogamy isn't for everyone... but such excuses and rationale as "spreading your seed" or "men are by nature sluts" just doesn't hold water with me. Sorry.
    [/quote]

    Once again. This is your right to this opinion. One has had two boyfriend, for 9 years now. I am devoted to them both; albeit for different reasons. So One is in a monogamous relationship[s]. As One has sex with neither, nor any one else. One now has control over their dick, it dose not dictate to me it's wants. But If One wanted to go out and have a moment. Would this be cheating.
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    Apr 05, 2008 12:36 PM GMT
    cheating for me is doing something we BOTH have agreed not to do.

    So if he eats strawberry icecream, when we have vowed not to over the Bible, with cut fingers and stuff, I'll feel hurt.

    Since I'm a monogamous type (still questionable icon_rolleyes.gif ), camming would be cheating (if he does it alone, ROFL), and if it's habitual. Looking and admiring someone is not.

    etc. If he's up front about it and asks beforehand if it would be cool, then I guess it depends. If he does it behind my back, that's when I'd probably feel betrayed (again depends on the depth of the other interaction). Then we'd have a 'talk'. Hehe

    This is all hypotheical of course, but I know I'm not possessive, nor a floormat. icon_razz.gif

    ('sides, If he starts looking somewhere else, who am I to hold him back? But he'd have to tell me straight to my face about it. And then I'd cry... and let him go... write him a longish letter.... then drink a bottle of pills and end up in the hospital... j/k! icon_lol.gif )
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:16 PM GMT
    Its kind of a gray area to me.
    I guess my definition of cheating is doing anything that your partner would want to know about and/or disapprove of w/o their knowledge -it may not even be sexual.
    I don't think that thoughts count tho... I find that a little unfair.

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    Apr 05, 2008 1:50 PM GMT
    I can't think of anything (short of having sex) that is more sexy than watching my guy have sex (or hear about having sex) with another guy. He wants to watch me having sex with another guy, too. I had a "hotel" meeting with a guy I met at the Cuff a few weeks ago, and called my guy on the way there to tell him where I was and who I was with. He was fine with it. Afterward, he and I talked about it.

    Well, the crux of the matter is that HE's the one I go home to. HE's the one I feel safe with. HE's the one I love. He knows that. I know he feels the same about me. I have no problem with him having sex with other guys.

    Every couple has a different comfort level as to what is allowable and what is cheating. Some feel more secure in their relationship than others. Each man has to respect his partner's desires.

    Love your man, guys. Be excellent to each other.
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    Apr 05, 2008 6:46 PM GMT
    Well I am surprised to see we have such a diverse view on the concept of cheating. Some accepting the "Look but don't touch" approach while others the "Have sex with whoever you want but tell your partner" approach. And what i find even more surprising is that there are those who would consider their partners cheaters even if they were indulging in activities not of a sexual nature, provided that the parameters of cheating were stipulated in the inital stages of the relationship.

    WildCuddler saidI heard a good definition of cheating on Sirius OutQ sattelite radio.

    Doing something with another person with the INTENT of getting off.

    Doesn't mean you have to get off, but if there is intent. While it's going to depend on what you agree to with your BF/partner. I think that is the best overall definition. It could include cyber, phone, "lunch dates", etc.


    Wildcuddler, if we should accept this definition for cheating, don't you think its strick nature could be equally detrimental to the relationship because it doesn't allow for sexual freedom/experimentation?

    Pattison saidOne has the ability to be monogamous. But One would never expect this from another, as men by nature are sluts...... How is man meant too spread his seed, if he limits himself to one.


    I do agree that one has the ability to be monogamous but I don't think men are sluts by nature. I think men only use such statements when they want to justify whatever activity they are indulging in without having to face the consequences.

    I find it hilarious that you use the term "spread his seed" in the context of homosexuality considering none of these seeds will ever bear fruit. It makes you wonder how much in our nature it really is.
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    Apr 06, 2008 11:07 PM GMT
    gay men as a rule are just skanky... its best to ask other questions too. I try to find out if they've been in porn because with the internet so many have been. I dont get to have sex because I cant find anyone thats not lost to that stuff that wants me too icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 06, 2008 11:17 PM GMT
    I think sedative hit it on the head: if it is something that both men have agreed would be constituted as cheating, then it is cheating. Yes, physical contact of a sexual nature and breaking an agreement with another person is the universal definition of cheating, but we all have different ideas of how that can be interpreted.

    For me, if the guy is looking to another person for the things that I can provide for him, then it would be considered cheating.

    And vespers: we all have our skeletons that kept us company in our closets, so don't be too quick to judge us "skanks."