My son

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    Apr 28, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    I apologize if I am intruding and not suppose to be here.
    I looked at the forum rules and I didn't see mentioned anything on who is allowed.
    I am looking on the internet for a forum to talk to people-preferably gay men- about my son, family and our journey.
    My son is 1 of 4 boys and 14 years old.
    Wonderful kid and person.
    This forum seemed the best choice from a few I looked at.

    I don't know exactly where to start but I have been keeping a journal.
    Maybe I could share some journal entries.

    Lets see....Yesterday:

    My son is gay.
    He's gay and totally has his sexuality stuff all healthy and together.
    I'm impressed. He has never had sex, not interested in sex, never been sexually abused. Has nothing to do with peers as he is the only gay/bi guy he knows. Not attention seeking, nothing. He's just gay/bi. And ok with himself as he is today and plans on being ok with himself tomorrow, regardless of spectrum.
    He is more put together than I am.

    I learned something from him today.
    His being gay isn't about sex, it's about who he loves.

    You so Rawk, kiddo.

    This morning:

    On my son, I been suspecting something was up for awhile.
    I think though it was the stereotypical stuff he has always displayed and I was viewing it more as a cute quirk, bordering on a joke and in my head imagining him years from now all grown up and giggling inside about how "mom thought he was a bit fem."
    I mean, who knows- he may end up married to a woman with kids or anything possible. But ya know. This where we are now and he says not to worry about future or look ahead- just keep everything open and take life as it is in the now.
    This is very comforting reality check.
    This is really something. The experience.
    I have been in the place where you question sexuality and love. Been around tons of gay communities in 3d, etc, etc.
    When you travel this journey with your son, it is different.
    It isn't a matter of just accepting or knowing or whatever.
    It's a journey and it is a major life change if you open your eyes and ears.
    Suddenly you have everything in your child you had before but even more.
    You see him smile, you learn more interests he has, you have a clue to what he is thinking at times. It is like a wall comes down and your closer.
    I'm starting to cry now.
    I have felt shut out.

    I have watched my oldest son go from lil kid crushes to girl mania.
    This one just seemed to never get there, not show any signs of ever getting there.
    Not even so much as commenting on a "hot girl", not since he was 2 and tried to jump out his car seat towards a girl he was mesmerized with in a parking lot. I been waiting and waiting for it to kick in, thinking he just slower developing.

    Last night we were watching tv and he was flipping channels.
    I commented on a gay couple, very young and handsome, and his ears perked up.
    He went in for a closer look.
    I can't say what he was thinking other than a huge interest. Maybe just wanting to see it normalized, accepted. Maybe seeing if they were attractive. Maybe looking like we look at happy couples and somewhere in our mind envisioning our future life.
    The unknown.
    But he says to me, "Mom, you wanna see someone I think is really cute?"
    I said, "Sure".
    His face lit up and he grinned quickly typing in a website address with lightening speed. He shows me this cute lil punk rocker and starts telling me all about him.
    I'm in his gate, I'm real happy to be allowed in to know him better.
    Priceless.


    He has been raised by a step father who acts as "real father".
    I think we both are still in the "maybe, maybe not" stage of acceptance.
    I have lots of questions I would like to ask someone.
    I am at the point where I hope he is gay because I'm gonna feel real bad if he switches or something later on after going through all this.
    Is that weird?
    I was talking to his dad this morning and mentioned I need to get another hair straightener because he left his at our other house and was rel upset. Easier to just keep one at both places.
    Dad said ,"Ok, that's it. He's gay. All my doubts are gone. If he's freaking out about a hair straightener, I'm convinced."
    I know we are gonna be ok, I am just so overwhelmed at how much I love my son and want him to be happy and find love.
    I hope he finds love.

    Thank you for reading and again, I apologize if moms are not suppose to be in this locker room.

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    Apr 28, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    not sure wat to write here...
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    Apr 28, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    You sound like a wonderfully caring and loving mother.
    I came out when I was 14 and my parents accepted me for who I was.. thinking back I would imagine they had some of the same thoughts and feelings you described.

    It is highly unlikely that he will "switch back". From what you explained it sounds like he's probably known his whole life, and came out as soon as he knew what it meant to be gay and came to terms with it.
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    Apr 28, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    That was interesting to read through.

    Yet right out of the gate we have an issue. You expressed to us that he defined himself as "gay" and "had all his sexuality stuff all healthy and together" -- yet in the following lines, in your own voice, you refer to him as "gay/bi." Even if he is together with his stuff, highly unlikely at that age, you are still planting the seeds of cognitive dissonance in his mind with that hopeful eye towards the future that he knocks up a cheerleader in the back of a pickup truck. Every little doubt, especially fermented at home, can chip away at a person's confidence. About the hair straightener: he was probably just doing it for attention in a passive-aggressive backlashy way because he might be feeling not gay enough, especially with no socializing GLBT influences nearby. Either that, or you have a future hairdresser in your midst. I am leaning towards the passive-aggressive slant, as I generally do, just because I like to know how much I can get away with around certain people - and family won't spit on me, but talking about a relationship or bringing a +1 is something that will probably never happen. If you want that outcome for him, don't (and don't let the adult male figures in his life) cabine his gayness too much. Looking at the photo of the guy he thinks is attractive is a good start.

    At least you are trying - and trying hard it seems like - which is remarkably rare and nice to see. You can still do better as a parent, as all parents should strive to do better for their kids tomorrow than they did yesterday.
  • Iakona

    Posts: 367

    Apr 28, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    All I can say is that I wish I had a mom like you. It took my mother over 10 years to come to terms with things. It was quite a rocky journey but we are in a great place now. All I can say is to keep supporting your son....gay/straight/bi.......the most important thing is excepting him and loving him.....
    You rock MAMA!
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:02 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidThat was interesting to read through.

    Yet right out of the gate we have an issue. You expressed to us that he defined himself as "gay" and "had all his sexuality stuff all healthy and together" -- yet in the following lines, in your own voice, you refer to him as "gay/bi." Even if he is together with his stuff, highly unlikely at that age, you are still planting the seeds of cognitive dissonance in his mind with that hopeful eye towards the future that he knocks up a cheerleader in the back of a pickup truck. Every little doubt, especially fermented at home, can chip away at a person's confidence. About the hair straightener: he was probably just doing it for attention in a passive-aggressive backlashy way because he might be feeling not gay enough, especially with no socializing GLBT influences nearby. Either that, or you have a future hairdresser in your midst. I am leaning towards the passive-aggressive slant, as I generally do, just because I like to know how much I can get away with around certain people - and family won't spit on me, but talking about a relationship or bringing a +1 is something that will probably never happen. If you want that outcome for him, don't (and don't let the adult male figures in his life) cabine his gayness too much. Looking at the photo of the guy he thinks is attractive is a good start.

    At least you are trying - and trying hard it seems like - which is remarkably rare and nice to see. You can still do better as a parent, as all parents should strive to do better for their kids tomorrow than they did yesterday.

    This was very well written and all true.
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    It sounds like he's got his head on straight (no pun intended), and I'm impressed if you say he's more put together than you. Just reading your journal entries sounds like you've got your stuff together as well, mentally and emotionally.

    How are his relationships with his brothers? Is he the youngest of the four? Sibling rivalry itself can be potentially damaging to one's self esteem and mentally jarring (speaking from my own experience with my older brother growing up), and that's without the gay issue thrown into the mix.
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    Wow, what a nice mom. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:08 PM GMT
    Thank you all for your replies.

    On the Gay/Bi thing, this was his words.

    He said that he is gay with some bi tendencies.
    I surely don't have this all figured out.
    His words were "I'm gay but not 100%".
    Then he showed me a scale on sexuality and pointed out his number.
    He says this is where he is and been here for a couple years.
    I think for 14, he is pretty darn on the spot.

    Hehe at cheerleader.
    Not in a million years even if he was straight. He isn't into sports and stuff at all.
    He is very much a hairdresser, he dyes my hair for me.
    The hair straightener is very important to him although I think it looks very similar just blow drying it out and hair spraying.
    (This is not a new occurrence.)
    He is also an artist and very talented musician.

    Thank you for the honest replies and impressions.




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    Apr 28, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    He is second to the oldest and his older brother is fine with it. They are very close. The normal bickering about him being in the shower too long and hogging bathroom, but other than that they are fine.
    The other kids are much younger.
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    Personally, I think that it is absolutely amazing that you are trying to understand your child the way you are. People like you make positive differences in people's lives. I'm sure he will look back and really appreciate your effort when he is older, if he doesn't already.
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    Apr 28, 2011 4:40 PM GMT
    My mom could learn a lot from you; way to be what a mother should be. icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 28, 2011 5:05 PM GMT
    Thanks, I'm kinda kicking myself actually.

    About a year ago I was informed by his brother that he was being teased and called gay. I talked to him and the school about it. I told him everything I could think of to try to let him know it's ok to be gay or not and regardless, the teasing is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.
    Since then he has had soooo many opportunities to tell me, I even asked him outright because he kept joking about it.
    He has a sense of humor that is incredible and he would joke about being gay.
    When I couldn't figure it out I would ask straight up and he would say no, he isn't.
    I think he was telling me and I wasn't listening.
    I ended up just thinking it is a joke or something and "I'm not falling for this anymore until he says YES."
    So the other day we were in the kitchen and his good friend brought it up casually. I think son wanted friend to just say it for him once and for all. A big yes.
    So I said, "I'm not falling for this....are you really gay?"
    The look on his face as he glanced at his friend said it all.
    It was a fast uncomfortable, "Seeeee...just tell her for sure."

    He said yes.
    His older brother pipes up, "Ya mom, he wants you to know."
    I tried to hold a poker face for a minute because I felt bad that he didn't tell me himself and all the whiny stuff moms feel.
    Then I remembered the time I walked in and saw them 2 snuggling and said, "Oh! Your his boyfriend?" His friend is really nice and I very much like him. But friend said no, he's straight. He just accepts it and is fine with it.
    Son says none of his friends are anything but straight as far as he knows.

    So I feel crappy that I didn't just listen to all the "jokes" and signs and take that as confirmation. I actually felt bad talking to him about it because I was afraid if he wasn't gay that I was offending him.











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    Apr 28, 2011 5:31 PM GMT
    Well, 13-14's still really young. He had to do it on his own time and terms. I didn't even admit to myself that I was gay until I was in my early 20s, and that was a lot of baggage to juggle. Many people don't come out for a variety of different reasons until they're further along in life. He gets the opportunity to live his life and be who he is BECAUSE he lives in a loving, supportive, and accepting environment. Many are not as fortunate as he is.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Edit: Check and see if PFLAG has a chapter in your area.
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    Apr 28, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    In your state, contact the chapter of Equality. SC Equality, Michigan Equality etc etc... there are PLENTY of support groups for the parents of GLBT kids. You need to interact with some other moms and learn what they went through and navigate this yourself.

    I have a college age son and a 14 year old daughter. Raising middle school kids is bad enough without injecting gender identity and sexual orientation into it. While you want to be accepting and encourage him to be proud of who is, he still needs a parent that will make him do his homework, learn responsbility and other regular, mainstreet kid stuff that all parents struggle to achieve.

    Good luck to you, but seriously dont make it up. You aren't alone, go find the resources out there to help you raise a GREAT man.
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    Apr 28, 2011 5:43 PM GMT
    Wow, you sound like you're really doing things right. I am always so flabbergasted to hear stories like this - I didn't come out to my parents until I was 27.

    I actually like that you let him be in charge of the timing of his revelation, and didn't push him on it. Please don't kick yourself for that year. He knew you were ok with things, and he talked to you about it when he was ready, in a way he felt comfortable with. It sounds like he was still figuring things out for himself.

    I would encourage you to continue to let him take the lead in most respects - don't push him too much to talk about things that you know that kids (straight or gay) don't want to share with their parents.

    With one significant exception. People may disagree with me on this, but I think that a young gay teenager can get into way more trouble on the internet - especially with older guys - than a straight teen can. Think about it - straight teens have all kinds of age-appropriate social outlets, gay kids don't. He even said, as far as he knows none of his friends are gay. So he's going to be tempted to search far and wide for friends and romantic interests, and not all of them will have his best interests at heart. As a parent, you should be very protective of him until you're sure that he can handle himself. For example, this forum would NOT be an appropriate place for him to come at this age (probably against the terms of service anyway). Respectful of his needs for privacy and space, but protective - perhaps a difficult balancing act but you sound like you're up for it.

    Thanks for being a good mom.



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    Apr 28, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    Excellent, thank you all.
    PFLAG looks to have one a few towns over.
    (We live in middle of nowhere northwest and a bit behind the rest. We still don't even have hate crime laws on the books here.)
    Will look for the Equality.
    The internet monitoring makes so much sense. He is very internet oriented as well and we have had some run ins with having to monitor what he is doing. Like giving out too much info to people.
    He is finishing up his freshman year of highschool but thank God I don't have to worry about the cheerleaders. Oldest one putting me through that and it's terrible. Want them to get through highschool without any kids, major troubles and in one piece.

    Best Wishes to you all and thank you.
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    Apr 28, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    hm i could name a few straight guys who'd freak out over running out of hair straightener.
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    Apr 28, 2011 6:37 PM GMT
    Our sordid humor is showing.

    It is like a curling iron but straightens hair.
    It is actually mine but he took it over.
    His hair is already straight, I don't get it.
    He takes over all my stuff, even my jeans and needs to get his own.

    It's nothing really, a small matter, he is going to get his hair re-styled today into a different cut anyway and I'm not sure the straightener will be needed but it was just a tension breaker during conversation.
    Dad is very much like him and uses offbeat humor to make a point.
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    Apr 28, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    spaghettimonster saidThat was interesting to read through.

    Yet right out of the gate we have an issue. You expressed to us that he defined himself as "gay" and "had all his sexuality stuff all healthy and together" -- yet in the following lines, in your own voice, you refer to him as "gay/bi." Even if he is together with his stuff, highly unlikely at that age, you are still planting the seeds of cognitive dissonance in his mind with that hopeful eye towards the future that he knocks up a cheerleader in the back of a pickup truck. Every little doubt, especially fermented at home, can chip away at a person's confidence. About the hair straightener: he was probably just doing it for attention in a passive-aggressive backlashy way because he might be feeling not gay enough, especially with no socializing GLBT influences nearby. Either that, or you have a future hairdresser in your midst. I am leaning towards the passive-aggressive slant, as I generally do, just because I like to know how much I can get away with around certain people - and family won't spit on me, but talking about a relationship or bringing a +1 is something that will probably never happen. If you want that outcome for him, don't (and don't let the adult male figures in his life) cabine his gayness too much. Looking at the photo of the guy he thinks is attractive is a good start.

    At least you are trying - and trying hard it seems like - which is remarkably rare and nice to see. You can still do better as a parent, as all parents should strive to do better for their kids tomorrow than they did yesterday.


    Oh. No. OH. NO.

    spaghettimonsterYou can still do better as a parent...

    Are ya shitting me?!?! Unless you're a parent yourself, I'd shut your trap. PUH-RON-TO!

    You should have left it at "That was an interesting read through." and leave the rest of the bullshit out. You're interjecting your own whimsical thoughts and hearsay based on your self-discovery with your sexuality which does not parallel with her son nor your perception growing up when you were a child to the mother. You, in fact, have NOTHING in common with this story.

    The mother who by the way is doing a terrific job THUS FAR, is on a wonderful journey with her children and is learning as she goes. Her job is never done and she, alone is allowed to make mistakes and learn from them as all parents do. Compared to parents who throw their children away for their "defectiveness", she is to be commended for loving, protecting and bonding her child regardless of his orientation. For you to impress that her job has been subpar and you "think" she should do better is beyond galling!

    I think you can do better by keeping your tactless, condescending prattle to yourself and be a mindful person toward others.
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    Apr 28, 2011 6:56 PM GMT
    showme saidPeople may disagree with me on this, but I think that a young gay teenager can get into way more trouble on the internet - especially with older guys - than a straight teen can. Think about it - straight teens have all kinds of age-appropriate social outlets, gay kids don't. He even said, as far as he knows all of his friends are gay. So he's going to be tempted to search far and wide for friends and romantic interests, and not all of them will have his best interests at heart. As a parent, you should be very protective of him until you're sure that he can handle himself.


    I agree with this 100%. You should be protective of him about potential internet sexual predators. If you watched Dateline NBC "to catch a predator" you'll know that there are some out there. You should also encourage him to make some other gay friends who are around his age, and if you can also be kindly enough to extend your loving heart to his other gay friends that'll be great as well, because not all gay teens are lucky enough to have a mother like you.
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    Apr 28, 2011 9:09 PM GMT
    I wanted to think on some of this before replying.

    Thank you so much bigeasydude, I will carry that close to me.

    I don't know spaghettimonster's intentions and it is easy to misinterpret because I can't hear the tone of what is said.
    I also know that I too sometimes over relate to things that are written and it is easy to make assumptions and generalizations. icon_smile.gif
    While the response stung, I will take the truth in it that I can find.
    It is true that I can always strive to be a better parent-for all my children.
    I don't want to be considered a "good mom" only because I am being compared to women who throw their babies away.
    (Not that this is what any of you mean.)
    I can assure you my son isn't defective in any way over this.
    He happens to be gay, his older brother happens to be left handed and one of my kids happens to be female. They are all different and unique.
    If we didn't enjoy that, we would stop at 1 child and be done.

    I have a fondness for their friends, most of them call me "second mom" or "mom". This won't be an issue.

    I spoke with dad on the internet issue and he agrees with ya'll.
    We have already had some issues crop up in relation to the internet with both the oldest one's and need to address them more heavily all around.
    We will help him broaden his peer group locally as much as we can in a more controlled and safe environment.


  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Apr 29, 2011 12:43 AM GMT
    As a parent myself, I can say that your son is very lucky to have you as a mom. And it sounds like you are very lucky lady as well. Your son is self-aware and quite mature for his age which is a testament to the kind of environment and love you have provided him. Kudos to his father and your current husband as well for keeping the lines of communication open and making sure that all of the parents in the picture are on the same page. Not easy after a divorce, even when it's in the best interest of the kids.

    Reaching out on here, checking out PFLAG and Equality are all great resources for you. Keep up the great work. You ROCK mom...more than you realize.

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    Apr 29, 2011 12:52 AM GMT
    All I can say is: You go, girlfriend!

    There are VERY few moms who would join a site for gay and bisexual men to ask a question. I salute you!
  • chepibe

    Posts: 14

    Apr 29, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    Momma Happy, you are walking totally in the right direction!