Wandering Eyes - Need Advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 29, 2011 12:39 AM GMT
    Hello Men,

    I need some help. I turned 35 a month ago. At first it didn't really have any impact on me. Like all people in their mid-thirties I have a few regrets in life, but for the most part I am doing well. A good job, good partner, and I am healthy living in the most beautiful place on Earth. What could I possibly complain about?

    Well, during my birthday vacation together my partner and I experienced our first threesome... and for me, only the second man I ever been with. It was an emotionless one night stand. Clean, adult fun. I can't say that I really enjoyed the sex all that much. I would go into more detail, but this isn't the "adult" chat. Anywho, while the sex itself wasn't all that special for me, the physical contact with another man was. If felt so good to feel the warmth and energy of another person having a good time.

    Well, my partner and I made a promise to one another that threesomes are okay, but we live in a small city in a small state... so it can not happen again while we are at home. That is fine, and makes perfect sense.

    This past Sunday we invited over a friend that we met through grindr. Turns out we actually recognized him from town and sort of knew him before grindr.. blah blah blah long story short we have been talking with him for several months and have had him over for dinner before. This Sunday was to be no different. Except, our friend and I got pretty hammered. Just to add another little bit of info to this story, our friend is only 21.

    Well after several hours of drinking, talking, and listening to music, the three of us wound up naked and in bed. Believe it or not nothing really happened. Again, I would like to provide more detail so that I am properly conveying the moment, but that wouldn't be appropriate here. Suffice it say, I ended the encounter early because we were drunk and I didn't want to take advantage of his drunken state (regardless if he knew what he was doing or not).

    On Tuesday night, while my partner was working I ask my friend to come over. Actually, in all truth, I said I was stuck home alone and he offered to join me. But, I can't deny I know how to manipulate people. I wanted him to come over and either he knew it or I played him. Either way, I got what I wanted. That night, I couldn't keep my hands off this boy. And he didn't stop me. He was sober, and he drew a line he wouldn't let me cross even though I tried. I am so proud of him for that. He was a complete gentleman and respectful of my relationship even though I made an ass of myself. Worse yet, by offering him food and booze for sex, I might as well just called him a cheap whore. What kind of guy does that?

    Here is my problem. Er... problems. First, I am a pretty good man. Why would I intentionally want to ruin an 11 year relationship? Second, my partner knew what I was doing and I didn't hide it from him. Why would I intentionally try to hurt him? Third, I really like this young man. He's smart, sexy, and just spending time with him made me feel really good. Why would I put a 21yo in this horrible position? That is just cruel. Now I am feeling selfish and want to spend more time with him. And I can't even get past wanting to know if he feels the same way.

    I've confronted my partner about all of this. He knows everything that happened. I didn't technically cheat, but to quote your average catholic "to sin in the heart is still a sin against God". Now I just don't know what is wrong. I love my partner. I can't imagine him not being my life. He completes my life in every way... well I guess he did. If my life was complete this wouldn't have happened. But he didn't do anything wrong. He didn't engage in this behavior. I did. So what changed in me?

    I have also informed my young friend that we can't be alone together. At the same time I told him that, he said the same thing to me. He told me I made him feel guilty. Seriously? What kind of s##t am I to make a 21 yo feel guilty for being seduced? I told him it was all my fault and that he should be ashamed of me, not guilty.

    There is so much more I want to say, so much more to share... I am just so afraid of ruining the greatest part of my life. But what if this really is the end? Maybe my partner and I have out grown each other and it is time to part as good friends before we hurt one another. What if this is just about sex? When I think about my young friend, and yes I am still thinking about him a lot, I don't think about sex, or that fluttery "in love" feeling.... he just made me feel good, wanted. And I want that again. Its a feeling my partner hasn't been able to give me in a long while.

    Has anyone been here before that can help?
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    Ask yourself how you would feel if you dropped your partner for the "fresh meat," then a couple years later the younger guy drops you for some other "fresh meat."

    You've been with your partner for 11 years. That's like a double eternity in gay years. Once you fuck that up, you'll start a never-ending cycle of breakups for fresh meat.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    Yes Paul. I understand that completely. And please understand I am not looking for someone to give me permission to trade in for a younger model. I just don't know what lead to this situation or how to fix it.
  • justapup

    Posts: 1

    Apr 29, 2011 5:48 AM GMT
    Relationships all need maintenance. Look into getting that spark back in the relationship.
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    Apr 29, 2011 5:54 AM GMT
    Delete grindr from your phone and bid farewell to your sex drive. Monogamy's in your future icon_lol.gif
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    Apr 29, 2011 6:03 AM GMT
    its the second guy you've been with, he's hot and young, youth is immensely attractive....

    I don't think there is a deep reason behind this, he makes you horny. You also mentioned your age, I think you may be proving to yourself that you still "have it".

    Don't cheat. If you want to feel the rush of new meat, end your relationship and whore it up.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Apr 29, 2011 6:13 AM GMT
    I think you should stay with your current boyfriend. It sounds like you guys are a good couple. He may not be giving you the feeling that you once had but I think you guys could work on that.
    I also don't think that your going to be able to stop thinking about other men and that is okay, but it doesn't mean that you have to indulge if you guys choose to just have a monogamous relationship.
    If you do decide to mess around with other guys you should at least follow the rules that you and your boyfriend had which was 3 ways are okay.
    Also, how does your partner feel about all of this?
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    Apr 29, 2011 7:08 AM GMT
    It's perfectly healthy to be curious - with or without your partner. However, you guys (or perhaps you) may need to talk to a counselor to help you sort through your mixed emotions. Couples therapy MAY be in order, but I'd suggest you see someone first - preferably someone gay-sensitive. Please feel better. I don't think this is as uncommon as you think - and I doubt there's anything wrong with you... and perhaps nothing wrong with your relationship.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:03 PM GMT
    just an aside.

    when i was 21, i had a couple in their 30s who'd been together 7+ years approached me for a 3 way. we were friends and i was not trying to become more, but it was friendly. what i DID NOT know because i was young and naive, was to look for their motives. one guy was way more into me it seemed and the other was doing it to make him happy. anyway, afterwards, they broke up. not to be with me, but the 3way was just a symptom of other stuff in their relationship that had nothing to do with me.

    even if it had nothing to do with me, it pretty muched turned me off 3 ways with couples (and in general). there's always a weak side to the triangle, and i don't like being party to anyone hurting their partner. if emo-masochism is your thing, it's not mine.


    if i were you, i'd just look into getting freakier with my partner. explore whatever you have not done to make sex new. or leave and fuck whoever you want. don't try for having your cake and eating it too.

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    Apr 29, 2011 2:13 PM GMT
    junderhill said I love my partner. I can't imagine him not being my life. He completes my life in every way... well I guess he did.


    You had me until the last sentence of this quote. So many guys fall victim to this happily ever after kind of thinking! No one person can "complete your life in every way," it's just not possible.

    Yes, what you did was wrong, but your partner obviously understands it on some level, which makes you an extremely lucky guy. Take this as an opportunity to do some soul-searching about who you are, what you want, where your relationship is and where it is going, both alone and with your partner. Maybe some individual or couples counseling is in order, though I would urge you to find a good one who is both comfortable with gay issues and is sex-positive.

    Relationships mature, and the flush of newness wears off. Find a way to deal with it. Try some new things with your partner, experiment. Enjoy porn together. Explore the possibility of allowing a degree of negotiated openness, with clear rules and boundaries. All of these are preferable to just dumping your partner, who sounds like a stand-up guy, for fresh meat. Believe me, fresh meat goes stale pretty quickly.

    Nothing lead to this situation, and there's nothing to fix, exactly, just recalibrate in the way that works best for you. You are just in a normal stage in a journey - exacerbated by the fact that you didn't sow any wild oats when you were younger.

    (God, I wish I had known someone who would have been able to tell me that dealing with this stuff in long term gay relationships was perfectly normal, when I was your age. Sigh.)

    bambinorex saidthere's always a weak side to the triangle, and i don't like being party to anyone hurting their partner.


    I'm not questioning your personal experience, but that's not always true.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:24 PM GMT
    yeah, i know it's not always true. but it was my experience. i hear horror stories about guys losing their virginity, but my experience was awesome. my first 3way experience was traumatic. i'm happy for those for whom it works.

    i think 3+ works best when it's basically strangers having athletic sex.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    There is no "u" in COMMITMENT, only an "i"
    There is a "u" in FUCK.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    You have a very understanding partner. He gave you a pass even though you appear to have breached your agreement with him regarding threesomes. Your relationship is showing a crack, and you may be hastening the eventual unraveling of it.
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    Apr 29, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    sorry but this always happens (or a variation on the theme) when couples bring others into the relationship. Seriously why the need to F it up?

    I suspect your partner is thinking along the same lines as you, hence he let you away with it. More communication please.
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    Apr 29, 2011 4:29 PM GMT
    Thank you for all of your help and support.

    My partner and I had a long talk last night. The subject of ending our relationship did come up, and I believe it still weighs heavily on our minds. However, neither of us wishes to quit at this time. It is obvious there is still something between us worth fighting for and we need to work together to figure out what it is. I was weak. I screwed up. But I can't fix it alone. Maybe this is the end. Maybe this is just a new beginning. Either way, I am going to use my brain instead of my ego, or god forbid my cock, to guide me.

    Thanks again.
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    Apr 29, 2011 4:56 PM GMT
    Nice to hear. BTW, don't COMPLETELY ignore your ego and your cock - you need to listen to them too, so you don't end up right back in the same place. icon_wink.gif

    Good luck!
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    Apr 30, 2011 5:34 PM GMT
    icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif


    oh well, what's the point of this post? You just wanting some sympathy from the rest of us??? You do know how to manipulate people to make YOU feel good and play the victim.