Thinking of another guy during sex in open relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    So, the BF and I have decided to open up our relationship (because of distance) even though I now don't feel like wanting an open relationship anymore.

    Anyway, so a few days ago, I hooked up with a guy on campus and we had sex, but during the whole time all I could think of was my BF. Before, during and after sex with this guy, I kept thinking of the BF. After we were done, I felt and still am feeling guilty for this random hook up, even though I'm in an open relationship.

    It's like the sex wasn't pleasurable because in the back of my mind I was thinking of something else. Any advice? thoughts?
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    May 01, 2011 5:35 PM GMT
    Just because the relationship is "open" doesn't mean that you have to have sex with other guys, unless you want to. There are examples of open relationships where one party has outside sexual interests and relationships and the other party is monogamous. It raises complicated issues of trust and jealousy, but perhaps it's something you could consider.

    But regardless now, it does sound like you don't want to sleep with other people, at least for now. Listen to the voice telling you that, and keep the lines of communication open between you and your BF. If you really don't want an open relationship and he does, it might not work eventually, but you don't have to do anything rash unless you want to.

    Finally, if you haven't read it, I recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormina. It might help to put things in perspective.


    Good luck, and hugs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    So if I want a monogamous relationship and the bf wants it open, what should i do?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    tru_guy saidSo if I want a monogamous relationship and the bf wants it open, what should i do?


    You talk to him about it, just like you've written on this topic. Explain all of it.
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    May 01, 2011 9:41 PM GMT
    Some guys are like wolves. Wolves (just like penguins) practice serial monogamy, i.e., they can have several mates throughout a lifetime, but only one at a time. You may well be a wolf. In any event, there's no shame there (indeed, that's commendable). On the other hand, it should be of concern to you if you're thinking of the other guy before, during, and after sex with your boyfriend.
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    May 01, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    I don't see anything wrong with thinking of someone else while you're having sex with a guy. This is what happens when sex just becomes sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2011 10:35 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidSome guys are like wolves. Wolves (just like penguins) practice serial monogamy, i.e., they can have several mates throughout a lifetime, but only one at a time. You may well be a wolf. In any event, there's no shame there (indeed, that's commendable). On the other hand, it should be of concern to you if you're thinking of the other guy before, during, and after sex with your boyfriend.


    It's actually the other way around. Thinking of BF when having sex with another guy. lol
  • rdberg1957

    Posts: 662

    May 26, 2011 5:56 AM GMT
    You are the monogamous kind. You fall in love and want to be with the person you love. Many years ago I was in a support group with a therapist who was in a monogamous relationship. He said there was nothing wrong with either choice (to be open vs. monogamous), but those who are monogamous should be with those who want the same. Those who are open should be with those want open relationships. If you can tolerate being with someone who wants an open relationship while you are monogamous, stay. If you want the person you are with to be only with you, find that.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    May 26, 2011 6:01 AM GMT
    I thought you were trying to end it with your bf
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    May 26, 2011 6:47 AM GMT
    This was a while ago. It's done. I broke it off. Now it's time to recover, and move on.