• Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    May 02, 2011 10:26 PM GMT
    I dont know where to start. I feel the need to vent and off load.

    My mom died 28/12/2008 from Bone Cancer. She contracted breast cancer in 1999 and bravely fought for years...suffering a few relapses. She fought upto the last two months of her life when she was in a hospice...and fought to the end, she saw Christmas day and passed over only a few days later.

    I saw her in the hospice on Christmas day, she was so sick and in pain but she saw me crying and told me not to cry. she held my hand and tried to cuddle me and comfort me. To tell me it was ok. She was so weak and in so much pain but shes managed to sit up and reach out to comfort me.....

    Ive not come to terms with it at all. Writing this breaks me up.

    I just feel emotionally numb from my hair down.

    A week after her funeral I was robbed and many of the precious things my mom gave me and my Grandmama (she died 2006) gave me were stolen. Tangible things to hold on to. Things to touch and hold and smell and feal.

    I just worked myself into a break down about ten months ago. Working three jobs. Bottling up all the emotion. Stiff upper lip. Thinking I could cope.

    And then...this last week my mom's brother, my Uncle and well basically my Dad (my actual Dad died when I was four). He was 55, the same age as mom. His friends hadnt seen him in a few days....they broke into his appartment and found him in a Diabetic Coma. They phoned the Ambulance and whilst they were trying to revive him he suffered a heart attacked.

    I just dont know what to do. I just feel numb. I can't cry.Or feal anything. Ive become accustomed to holding it all in,to try and cope, deferring my pain and emotions that I cannot cry. that I cannot feel anything emotionally......other than when someone does show me affection it comes bursting out of me....touchy feely, horny as hell, promiscuous.Chain drinking bottlesof win. Hurting myself. Sometimes I think Im a complete waist of space. Short. Fat. Ugly. No career. NO job. A mental case who s hould be locked up. Or worse.... Definately fat. Im working out four times a week on weights. doing cardio twice and yet putting on body

    Ironically Im the one who is able to put all this aside - like my mom did all through her cancer. She was able to study at Unviersity, look after her own mom and bring up two kids and send them off to universiry whilst so very very ill. I can just brick this stuff up, put on the stiff uppper lip, "im all right jack" and throw openmy wounded arms of love and be there for friends,for those who need help.....

    (but who is there for me?)

    Im meant to be a Lay Pastor but I cant feel the Divine at all...I feel a charlatan.

    And now, here I am having a breakdown in public.

    Ant. over and out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2011 8:03 AM GMT
    I think you have to realize that your deceased relatives would not want you to be this way. Ask yourself, is this how they'd want me to be? They are looking down from the heavens above and seeing you like this and all they can do is pray.

    I've been "robbed" twice in my life and both times lost things that I thought could never be replaced. But guess what? I look back now and just laugh. Its material. They can only take away once, don't allow them to take away anymore than they already have.

    I say get federal assistance to get into school, or find a trade of sorts. Something. First thing is you have to be motivated, which you are not. Believe in yourself when nobody else will. Friends and love WILL NOT come until you establish yourself. You come before them. You are more important than that. So you have to take care of you before you can allow anyone to come in. Ask yourself, would you want to be friends or date someone who's in a complete mess? I'm sure the answer is no...

    So, move on past what has have allowed yourself ENOUGH time to mourn and grieve, now you need to pull yourself together, seek counseling and help anywhere you can get it...and move forward.

    Follow this plan for the next 90 days and report back on what has changed...

    And remember, life and death is in the power of the tongue. If you believe you are a mental case who should be locked up, guess what will happen? Don't wear your heart on your sleeve because that will surely not do you any justice.

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    I sent you a pm, please check it.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    May 05, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    I'm sorry you're going through so much pain.

    I can relate to your story in some parts.

    First off, do not bottle up your emotions. You must vent them! Find your close friends, go online and most importantly, seek professional help. I saw a psychologist for a few months and they do help you grab a hold of your life again.

    I could go on and on about what you should do but I think you should see a psychologist first. Start there.

    And hey, everything's gonna be ok. You have my word on it.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    I agree w the prior post. Don't bottle up how you feel. Your emotions are precious and make up who you are. I think your mom and uncle would want you to mourn not for their sake but for your own.

    They would want you to be free to express these feelings without wondering if they would make others uncomforyable. Mourning = healing. So, heal well friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 03, 2011 2:45 PM GMT
    This has crippled you. It is time to see a grief counselor - one who specializes in it.