I found out my boyfriend signed up for a dating site. What should I do?

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    May 05, 2011 4:01 AM GMT
    Hello all,

    I found out that my boyfriend recently signed up for a dating site. It's obvious that he tried to make sure he's gonna be out of my radar since he created his profile with a different city. We actually met through the same dating site so maybe he thought if ever I would suspect something, I would only narrow my search to his real city. But probably with strong intuition and a bit of luck, I chanced upon his newly created profile.

    I had the feeling he would do this because he recently found out that he is about to be sent again to China for three weeks by his company in a few months. So it occurred to me that perhaps he would find some guys to meet up with while he is there. And it seems that I'm right. It could also be that he just would wana meet another guy.

    I don't know what to do. I haven't slept since I found his profile. That's already 3 straight days without sleep! :-(

    Last night we talked and I pretended that I don't know anything because I don't know yet what to do and I don't want to do hasty actions. I was jokingly asking him if he still loves me and if I'm the only one. Just so you know, I normally do this to him but just in a joking way as a way of soliciting affection. But this time around I had the intentions of checking his reactions. Of course, he said that he still loves me and that I'm the only one. I wanted to answer that back with what I have just found out but I held back.

    At the moment, I'm trying to keep it to myself because what if he really just wanted to meet local guys just so he would have friends there. In fairness to him, he only put 'Looking for friends' in his profile. Although what bothers me is that he explicitly left out the relationship status part. If it was for pure friendship, it wouldn't matter if he puts that he's in a relationship, right?

    It gave me the idea to set up a bogus profile and put the city where he's gonna be assigned to in the hopes that he will notice it and maybe send some message. So far no luck and I'm thinking of making the first move myself. I wanna check how his conversations go, if it really is only for something purely platonic. Am I making things worse by doing this?

    I hope you guys could shed light on this. I really don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to turn to. :-(

    Thank you for your time.

    Andy
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    May 05, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    When I found out my LTR bf was on a dating site ... I dumped his sorry ass the week after.

    oh boy it felt so good... but what even feels better.. is when they come crawling back to you asking you to take them back to that time when they felt like the one and only.

    At that point, you brush them off and say... "Sorry! Got a date next week. You had your chance and you took the idiots route!"
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    May 05, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    Well Andy how long have you guys been together? Does he have a lot of gay friends? What's his work / travel situation like? I'd like to know more before I comment.

    @Mohammed. The OP did state that on his bf's profile he put looking for friends (and I assume nothing else). We should give the bf benefit of the doubt before writing him off for good.
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    May 05, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    @Mohammed: You said it was an LTR boyfriend. Did you not have thoughts of giving him another chance so as not to just throw away all the things you've had together?

    I really love the guy despite that he hurt me that's why I'm having reservations of splitting up with him just like that. And I'm also afraid to face the fact that it's gonna be another failed relationship, I'm single again, and I'm never gonna find somebody else anymore who would accept me for who I am.
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    May 05, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    Yikes, I see several red flags here.

    Clearly there are some trust issues here or you wouldn't be checking up on him to have found his profile in the first place.

    Why is he "making friends" through a dating site? Wouldn't Facebook, or another social media site be better suited to him making friends? Also if it was for making friends why not tell you about the profile?

    Leaving the relationships section blank is better than saying single ... but not much better.

    I would confront him about it. I would straight up ask what he is doing on there, rather than going covert and trying to get him to talk to your "fake profile".

    Follow your gut. Always trust your instincts.

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    May 05, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    @ Cityaznguy: We've been together for almost 10 months now. It's actually a long-distance relationship. But he comes over every 2 or three months and we're together for about three weeks or so each time. And we would see each other on Skype almost every night. Also, if it is worth noting, my family already got to meet him when we stayed at my parents place during Christmas holidays.

    He does have quite a few gay friends. In his work, he only gets sent to China twice a year at most. To makes things worse, he'll be in China on our anniversary. icon_sad.gif
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    May 05, 2011 4:37 AM GMT
    andymackenzie said, "I'm single again, and I'm never gonna find somebody else anymore who would accept me for who I am."

    Oh yes, you certainly can.

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    May 05, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    andymackenzie said@Mohammed: You said it was an LTR boyfriend. Did you not have thoughts of giving him another chance so as not to just throw away all the things you've had together?

    I really love the guy despite that he hurt me that's why I'm having reservations of splitting up with him just like that. And I'm also afraid to face the fact that it's gonna be another failed relationship, I'm single again, and I'm never gonna find somebody else anymore who would accept me for who I am.


    If you are talking about the week after I found him on the dating site and then dumped him then no...I gave him a week to take it off... he did not. That is 7 days worth of chances right there.

    If you are talking about re-entering a relationship with him again... I thought real hard about it.
    I weighed out the pros and cons based on my values and found out that he could easily just want me back for our sexual life.

    How do I know he has not truly accepted the fact that he has sinned? I don't know that 100 %.. so I will definitely change my views on him. He needs to learn his lesson... and frankly, learn it quick... because I don't have the patience to lecture an older man about the rules governing our relationship... especially when they verbally stated they would follow it.

    He could easily do that again.... so I decided not to think about him... completely wipe him off the chalkboard...

    no more... finito...

    Now, people are going to say: "LOL WTF U DONT TRUST HIM!" (sarcasm).

    and they can say that... because it is the truth... I really DON'T trust him and the great thing about it is that I have 100 % reason not to trust him! icon_smile.gif
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    May 05, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    andymackenzieI really love the guy despite that he hurt me that's why I'm having reservations of splitting up with him just like that. And I'm also afraid to face the fact that it's gonna be another failed relationship, I'm single again, and I'm never gonna find somebody else anymore who would accept me for who I am.


    Hang in there. Don't put the cart before the ox. Talk to him first. Communicate, ask him about it. There may be a good explanation that you can accept. Don't ever stay in a bad relationship though just because of the fear of being single. You are worthy. Tell yourself that everyday. Once you start to believe you are worthy of love (or the career you want, the level of education you want, the body you want, the life you want) you will be amazed at how many people will be drawn to you for exactly who you are mostly because you will have confidence in who you are and the way you should be treated.
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    May 05, 2011 4:44 AM GMT
    Yes, there are trust issues. This is because he has done something similar to this before.

    He went to Edinburgh for a long weekend vacation. Being very intuitive, I felt that something was wrong. And then I made him admit that he indeed met someone in Edinburgh. But he said, he met this guy on the same online dating site before he met me and that the flight and hotel has already been booked even before he met me. He said he didn't wanna tell me because he knows I'm gonna be jealous and that there's nothing to be jealous about. He said it was really purely for local companion although he admitted that the other guy was making moves on him.

    That gave me the idea to check him up since he's gonna travel again.
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    May 05, 2011 4:47 AM GMT
    I think that you're fooling yourself to think it's is anything other than what it appears to be, but stranger things have happened.

    That said, I would not be sneaky. Talk to him. If you love him maybe you can work it out. If not, you'll know sooner and can get started on moving forward in your life.

    Sorry. icon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gif
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    May 05, 2011 4:47 AM GMT
    andymackenzie said@ Cityaznguy: We've been together for almost 10 months now. It's actually a long-distance relationship. But he comes over every 2 or three months and we're together for about three weeks or so each time. And we would see each other on Skype almost every night. Also, if it is worth noting, my family already got to meet him when we stayed at my parents place during Christmas holidays.

    He does have quite a few gay friends. In his work, he only gets sent to China twice a year at most. To makes things worse, he'll be in China on our anniversary. icon_sad.gif


    This is a MAJOR red flag then. If he already has a lot of gay friends why did he put up a profile wanting to meet MORE gay people? And leaving relationship status blank at the same time? That's really fishy. If he wants to meet other gay friends, he can always meet through his existing gay friends. I would confront him. Just tell him you saw his profile and what's up with that shit. I hope he's not playing you but it seems he might be planning to double play you and some poor soul living close to where he lives now...
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    May 05, 2011 4:50 AM GMT
    andymackenzie saidYes, there are trust issues. This is because he has done something similar to this before.

    He went to Edinburgh for a long weekend vacation. Being very intuitive, I felt that something was wrong. And then I made him admit that he indeed met someone in Edinburgh. But he said, he met this guy on the same online dating site before he met me and that the flight and hotel has already been booked even before he met me. He said he didn't wanna tell me because he knows I'm gonna be jealous and that there's nothing to be jealous about. He said it was really purely for local companion although he admitted that the other guy was making moves on him.

    That gave me the idea to check him up since he's gonna travel again.


    See, this is exactly why you should have dumped him the first time. You would not have wasted time having to go through it again.

    I give multiple chances for one to correct what they did wrong at the time of the incident... but if they still insist that they did not do anything wrong, then I will dump them. After that, it is too late.

    You, however, seem to give him multiple chances AFTER the occasion.

    There is a difference between:

    a) Delete that profile right now! and they delete it and apologize and never make one again and life goes on. If I find them on it again, it is basically a lack of loyalty and honesty at which them getting dumped would be the expected outcome.

    vs.

    b) Delete that profile right now! and they make up an excuse as to why they should not and then cry later (figuratively speaking) when they get dumped.

    If a) stopped mid-way, life would be good ... that would mean I gave him a second chance and we continued. Not giving him any chances would be:

    c) You were on that dating site! /dumped.


    I am an a) type.

    Most likely because I am a Scorpio though. Proud to be one don't get me wrong icon_razz.gif

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    May 05, 2011 4:52 AM GMT
    I'm sorry but I think you can use one of this...
    hug.jpg

    And this

    spy_equipment-and-gear.gif
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    May 05, 2011 4:53 AM GMT
    andymackenzie saidYes, there are trust issues. This is because he has done something similar to this before.

    He went to Edinburgh for a long weekend vacation. Being very intuitive, I felt that something was wrong. And then I made him admit that he indeed met someone in Edinburgh. But he said, he met this guy on the same online dating site before he met me and that the flight and hotel has already been booked even before he met me. He said he didn't wanna tell me because he knows I'm gonna be jealous and that there's nothing to be jealous about. He said it was really purely for local companion although he admitted that the other guy was making moves on him.

    That gave me the idea to check him up since he's gonna travel again.


    Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Deception is never a good thing. It sounds like he was being deceptive with you about the guy in Edinburgh. This looks like a pattern.


    I was in an LTR with someone and we were long distance for the last 3 months due to travel for my work. We I-Chatted and talked everyday. Thought things were fine.
    Then slowly he started becoming hard to reach, slow to respond and distant. Some quick checking revealed that he had been seeing someone else for several weeks and even though they hadn't slept together, I was done, because I deserve better and some where deep down you know that you do too.

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    May 05, 2011 4:53 AM GMT
    @ Cityaznguy: He has many gay friends where he lives. But he doesn't know anyone (whether straight or gay) in China where he will be assigned to for a few weeks.
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    May 05, 2011 5:03 AM GMT
    Set up a fake profile, and make a date with him.
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    May 05, 2011 5:06 AM GMT
    communication is key i would think, otherwise your mind wont let you rest, wether or not its destined to fail doesnt matter, what matters is that you value yourself and that you dont deserve someone who will go behind your back with shady moves like those.. not saying his intentions are bad ones.. but if i wanted to make new friends with someone else elsewhere id let my partner know what im doing just in case he found out and like in this scenario.. looking shady.
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    May 05, 2011 5:09 AM GMT
    You sound like you're one of several BFs in his life. Do yourself a favor and dump him before he breaks your heart.
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    May 05, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    canuckguy19 saidYou sound like you're one of several BFs in his life. Do yourself a favor and dump him before he breaks your heart.


    x90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001
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    May 05, 2011 5:11 AM GMT
    Think about the torture you will continue you put yourself through if you never approach the conversation head on...or if you never confront the fact that there seems to be some need to explore dating outside of the relationship.

    You two could have a relationship that is strong enough to welcome dating profiles and similar out of the box ideas, but if you already prod for compliments and the "you're the only one" phrase, then it sounds like he may not be the one for you.

    It's a crap feeling loving someone if they won't respect and love you the way you would want to be loved...Good luck w the tough decision.
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    May 05, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    Leave him. He's going to China anyway, and since he's signed up for a dating site, you're clearly better off without him.
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    May 05, 2011 5:18 AM GMT
    Thanks to everyone of you. I really appreciate all your time and effort responding to this. It makes me feel less alone.

    Okay, this may be a stupid idea running through my head now because I'm so emotional and haven't slept in 60 hours. I really feel strongly for him and I love him so much that I don't think I can bear the idea of not being with him. Should I bring up the topic of open relationship to him? Or this the stupidest thing my broken heart could ever send to my sleep deprived brain?
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    May 05, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    Dump him, he obviously intended to cheat, that's a deal breaker for me, is it one for you?
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    May 05, 2011 5:21 AM GMT
    Hi Andy

    I think you do feel like you love him. I'd suggest telling him you want a break while he is in China. See what his response is, if he is serious about being exclusive with you he will be shocked and ask why? If not, he will be cool with it. You need to be in charge, making yourself a doormat by accommodating his bad behavior is not the answer. You're awesome and there is a guy who will appreciate that! Go find him.