First Breakup... Any Advice?


  • May 05, 2011 9:01 AM GMT
    I was never the type of 18 year old to just run out and grab a boyfriend, I know people who go through one it seems like one every 2 weeks. I am not a serial dater... I always wanted a relationship thought, I dated many good guys, someone told me once, " Love will find you when you least expect it..." I was 22 when I got my first one...

    Well, I was working the drive through at Starbucks in February of last year. A kid comes through, and we just smiled. He came in every Monday for 4 weeks until I gave him my number.

    He was everything I wanted, after 6 weeks he moved in with me and my family, my Mom considers him a son... He came from a very broken home, so he moved in...

    I think him moving in so soon was the downfall, I am in college full time, and he doesn't get nursing school... He is just 19 years old, and I am now 23, 4 years does make a hell of a difference when your young and gay. I should have spent more time with him, when I was free from school, instead of driving an hour to Atlanta to hangout(I liked getting away from home, and he couldn't get into the bars I liked).

    I thought to myself when I met him. " My partner..."

    Through thick and then I will always care for him, I will always adore him... I will have my regrets, but I have learned a lot.

    I just feel this void physically in my chest now that he is moving out, and leaving.

    I will miss the kid, I learned a lot from the kid, I will cherish my memories for a lifetime, and maybe in many years from now when he(and I even), are both men we can attempt it again. He was, and still is my everything. His smell lingers, and it is driving me crazy. I keep playing Already Gone by Sugarland, and Goodbye to You, by Michelle Branch over and over...

    How was your first breakup? Are you friends? What does life bring?

    Finals are this week, and I cannot study? I need some advice...

  • DoeDeer

    Posts: 20

    May 05, 2011 10:02 AM GMT
    Well first off I think 6 weeks is a bit short before having him to move in with you, but we all do crazy things when we're in love, and knowing that could be a mistake on your part is good because now you learn something from this.
    Also, I think there is a major difference between a regular first breakup with someone you're casually dating compared to a first breakup from someone that you Love, and it seem that in this case you love the guy.

    I've only had one boyfriend before, and it turned out to be a long-term relationship. I first met him when I was 19 and he was 14 years older than me, so my experience might be a little different than yours. However, we dated for nearly a year and at times I felt like he was the one & only for me, we were in love and it wasn't something I expected to happen, but it did. Unfortuantely due to our age gap and various other reasons, I broke up with him.
    Considering that is was my first relationship and being only 20, I was too immature, and I cared too much about what other people think because of our age difference, despite how I felt about him, so I admit that part was my fault.

    But in the nearly one year we dated, I learned SO much and I believe I've grown & mature a lot as well, and I don't think I'll ever make the mistake of caring too much what other people think as long as I really enjoy being with the guy.
    After the breakup we were still friends and had slept together here & there, and there were times when I felt like we should get back together but I was still confused about what I really wanted.
    Now, he has a new boyfriend and they are living together, so I guess getting over your "first love" can be extremely difficult and you will feel lonely at times.

    I can only recommend that it is Okay to cry, listen to sad music and get all your feelings out. Also go do things you enjoy, like go on a shopping spree if that's what help make you feel alittle better.
    But definitely have some friends around to support you. Oh, I totally know what you mean about the studying part...I think I only did enough to get by, its really difficult to focus on anything else when all you can think about is him. But you can only try & do your best. I hope my experience shed some light for ya and goodluck to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    Shag someone else ASAP and repeatedly. Drink. Force yourself to go out. Listen to your favourite music. Read a book. Write. Exercise. A lot. Have a good cup of tea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    IT GETS BETTER. You'll find this will the be hardest one. As you mature and discover yourself, your core values and mix in life experience, you'll find that your next partner will match you closely in the areas that are close to your heart, as long as you develop yourself that is. Surround yourself with true friends and have fun. Do not dwell, IT GETS BETTER.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    May 05, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Give yourself time to be sad, time to mourn, time to heal.

    Don't rush into a new relationship...someone new won't fill the void, and will just make you feel dirty and cheap.

    Don't dwell either though. It's a nasty balance...

    Just know, nothing lasts forever, good days, or bad days.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:57 PM GMT
    Fuck all that self-help crap.
    Get wasted and screw some hot stranger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    mi16t saidIT GETS BETTER. You'll find this will the be hardest one. As you mature and discover yourself, your core values and mix in life experience, you'll find that your next partner will match you closely in the areas that are close to your heart, as long as you develop yourself that is. Surround yourself with true friends and have fun. Do not dwell, IT GETS BETTER.


    IT GETS BETTER SIR YES SIR IT GETS BETTER!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    apt773 saidShag someone else ASAP and repeatedly. Drink. .


    LOL WTH!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 3:59 PM GMT
    Listen boy, the only way out is THROUGH!!! What helped me is to meditate, to work, and do anything that took my focus off of this and on other things... inthe meantime, this will pass
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 4:00 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidFuck all that self-help crap.
    Get wasted and screw some hot stranger.


    OMG, How on earth does that help??? If you're down and take a drink you only get downer (thats what happened to me).. and shagging someone else just to shag might simply bring up unwanted feelings he needs to forget about...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 4:38 PM GMT
    Pato599 said
    RunintheCity saidFuck all that self-help crap.
    Get wasted and screw some hot stranger.


    OMG, How on earth does that help??? If you're down and take a drink you only get downer (thats what happened to me).. and shagging someone else just to shag might simply bring up unwanted feelings he needs to forget about...



    this.

  • May 05, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    Pato599 said
    RunintheCity saidFuck all that self-help crap.
    Get wasted and screw some hot stranger.


    OMG, How on earth does that help??? If you're down and take a drink you only get downer (thats what happened to me).. and shagging someone else just to shag might simply bring up unwanted feelings he needs to forget about...


    If I drink right now, I'm gonna turn into the emotional hottmess at your local gay bar
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    all the advice so far distills down to "keep yourself busy, but don't pretend it's not a process"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 5:06 PM GMT
    I can understand your attachment to this guy. First breakups are really tough. I know for a lot of people, they sometimes believe their first relationships are THE one. I know I thought mine was.

    My ex and I are friends. We don't talk that often though. It's just a few emails back and forth to catch up on each others' lives.

    Just do the best you can with your finals. It's a tough week for you but if you can get through it I'm sure you'll feel better. There's always lots of guys at Blake's/Jungle/wherever in ATL icon_biggrin.gif (though i'm sure it's too soon for that). Just stay as busy as possible I say.

    Best of luck!

  • May 05, 2011 5:12 PM GMT
    Blakes is on my radar next week, Jungle is fun, but meeting people is hard there... Burkhart's might be fun to
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 5:18 PM GMT
    Yeah burk's is okay. I just wish it were more crowded at times, haha. Crowd can be iffy at times too x.x

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 5:20 PM GMT
    southernkid105 said
    Pato599 said
    RunintheCity saidFuck all that self-help crap.
    Get wasted and screw some hot stranger.


    OMG, How on earth does that help??? If you're down and take a drink you only get downer (thats what happened to me).. and shagging someone else just to shag might simply bring up unwanted feelings he needs to forget about...


    If I drink right now, I'm gonna turn into the emotional hottmess at your local gay bar


    Yeah man, stay away from alcohol while you feel like this, it turned me into a mess!!

  • May 05, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    Gaydar saidYeah burk's is okay. I just wish it were more crowded at times, haha. Crowd can be iffy at times too x.x



    Lol in know, Blakes is my favorite, I'm gonna go this weekend, and just enjoy no drinking or anything

    And I promise I won't be drinking for a while

  • May 05, 2011 5:42 PM GMT
    Thanks guys Your support is much welcomed
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2011 11:29 PM GMT
    great thread. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2011 11:51 AM GMT
    Saw a lot of guys unofficially when I first started dating, and so have only ever been in one real relationship, which lasted about 3 years and a half.

    Believe it or not, he broke up with me on skype a couple of nights ago, during the middle of my deployment.

    There were a lot of things that led up to it, and mostly, he just couldn't handle trying to live up to my expectations anymore, despite how reasonable I thought they were.

    Whereas I felt us separating slowly, gradually avoiding each other, not having anything to say to one another when we would skype, I truly thought it was just the awkwardness that came with distance and the fear of a deployment and that when I returned for leave, I get a 15 day vacation away from this hell hole later this month, that we would get to see that we truly cared about each other.

    But I think he was so afraid of me coming back and him feeling like he'd failed me in everything and the easy, quick solution was for him to break up with me, because he was afraid I was going to break up with him.

    I know he didn't really want to do it, and that so much of him wants to take it back, but I can't be with someone who would cowardly do this to me during the my deployment. Its more stress than I need right now.

    I am in a situation where people are dying, and I am constantly stressed sometimes, so its hard to tell how many of my symptoms are a result of the break up or just simply dealing with deployed life.

    But some things that have helped is practicing the following:

    Don't bottle it all in. Let it out, talk to people, reflect, piece it all together.
    And then stay occupied. Take on a new hobby, or dive back into an old one. turn to friends and if you don't have any make some new ones. I play pokemon more often, and just bought a guitar from a local. Have no idea how to play it, but I'll try to learn a cord a day. Its just something to focus on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2011 1:57 PM GMT
    southernkid,

    Back in the 70's......

    I was devastated when my first love broke up with me. I used to sit in my room playing this song, oh those were the days indeed.




    Then as the grief began lifting, I listened to this:



    Okay, so your heart is broken
    You sit around mopin'
    Cryin' and cryin'
    You say you`re even thinkin' about dyin'
    Well, before you do anything rash, dig this

    Everybody plays the fool sometime
    There's no exception to the rule
    Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
    I ain't lyin', everybody plays the fool
    Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
    And there's no guarantee that the one you love
    Is gonna love you

    Oh-oh-oh, lovin' eyes they cannot see
    A certain person could never be
    Love runs deeper than any ocean
    It clouds your mind with emotion

    Everybody plays the fool, sometime
    There's no exception to the rule
    Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel
    I want to tell ya
    Everybody plays the fool

    How can you help it when the music starts to play
    And your ability to reason is swept away
    Oh-oh-oh, heaven on earth is all you see
    You're out of touch with reality
    And now you cry but when you do
    Next time around someone cries for you

    Everybody plays the fool, sometime
    They use your heart like a tool
    Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school
    I want to say it again
    Everybody plays the fool
    Listen to me, baby
    Everybody plays the fool, sometime
    (No exception) no exception to the rule
    It may be factual, may be cruel, sometime
    But everybody plays the fool
    Listen, listen, baby
    Everybody plays the fool

    ....and THEN I'd find myself listening to this:



    What goes up must come down
    spinning wheel got to go round
    Talking about your troubles it's a crying sin
    Ride a painted pony
    Let the spinning wheel spin

    You got no money, and you, you got no home
    Spinning wheel all alone
    Talking about your troubles and you, you never learn
    Ride a painted pony
    let the spinning wheel turn

    Did you find a directing sign
    on the straight and narrow highway?
    Would you mind a reflecting sign
    Just let it shine within your mind
    And show you the colours that are real

    Someone is waiting just for you
    spinning wheel is spinning true
    Drop all your troubles, by the river side
    Catch a painted pony
    On the spinning wheel ride

    Someone is waiting just for you
    spinning wheel is spinning true
    Drop all your troubles, by the river side
    Ride a painted pony
    Let the spinning wheel fly
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 06, 2011 2:38 PM GMT


    Forgot this one that came a little later:



    Um um um um
    Um um um um

    There ain't no reason for us sittin' down
    To try to talk our problems out
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use each other we must do without.

    There ain't no reason tryin' to force a smile
    When pain is really in its place
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use let's part before we lose love's trace.

    (We've got to say)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    As I look back I'm really try'n to see
    Just what it was that made us spark
    'Cause the fire's out
    It leaves no doubt, the flame's not burning in our hearts.

    We still are young and both of us have time
    To find our winter love in spring
    Yes we know the truth
    It ain't no use, we're not each other's ev'rything.

    (We always must say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Hate to say goodbye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Why we say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    The trill is gone babe, yeah, yeah, yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    I tried my best to make it work
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    But it seems that we can't get it together, yeah,
    (Wow oh ooh)

    We've got to run in the world
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Seems that we just don't want tot do it
    (Wow oh ooh oh ooh)
    I guess we run out of fluid.
    (Wow oh ooh)

    Yeah, yeah, yeah wonderful baby, baby, baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Don't go, take me baby, don't go baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Ain't no use 'cause we done run out of juice
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    (Wow oh ooh)
    So long baby bye bye baby.
    Um um um um
    Um um um um

    There ain't no reason for us sittin' down
    To try to talk our problems out
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use each other we must do without.

    There ain't no reason tryin' to force a smile
    When pain is really in its place
    'Cause we know the truth,
    It ain't no use let's part before we lose love's trace.

    (We've got to say)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    As I look back I'm really try'n to see
    Just what it was that made us spark
    'Cause the fire's out
    It leaves no doubt, the flame's not burning in our hearts.

    We still are young and both of us have time
    To find our winter love in spring
    Yes we know the truth
    It ain't no use, we're not each other's ev'rything.

    (We always must say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Hate to say goodbye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    (Why we say bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    The thrill is gone babe, yeah, yeah, yeah
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    I tried my best to make it work
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    But it seems that we can't get it together, yeah,
    (Wow oh ooh)

    We've got to run in the world
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Seems that we just don't want to do it
    (Wow oh ooh oh ooh)
    I guess we run out of fluid.
    (Wow oh ooh)

    Yeah, yeah, yeah wonderful baby, baby, baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Don't go, take me baby, don't go baby
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Ain't no use 'cause we done run out of juice
    (Wow oh oh oh ooh)
    (Wow oh ooh)
    So long baby bye bye baby.