I flaked on a hottie that barebacks. Is that being judgemental?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2007 3:39 PM GMT
    I emailed a young hottie that I was going to break our date when I found out that he barebacks. He got pissed. Said I didn't know him and I was being judgemental. What do you think?
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    Jun 28, 2007 3:48 PM GMT
    Congrats on your good judgement.

    PM8
  • bwayne78

    Posts: 46

    Jun 28, 2007 3:57 PM GMT
    how did you find out that he barebacks?

    ..does that mean you can't wear a condom when you have sex with him?
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    Jun 28, 2007 4:18 PM GMT
    You're not being judgemental, you're being smart. Good move on your part. :-)
  • bwayne78

    Posts: 46

    Jun 28, 2007 4:24 PM GMT
    I just don't get why you all think that this is so smart.

    Would you guys not date someone just because you knew that they were HIV+ ?

    Just because this guy barebacks doesn't mean you have to bareback when you have sex with him...that is probably just his preference...not a requirement
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Jun 28, 2007 4:44 PM GMT
    I would not shy away from getting involved (tricking or dating) with someone HIV+; however, it would concern me in the same way in concerns you that this person is making a conscious decision to take an additional risk with which you are not comfortable. Whether he takes that risk with you or not is irrelevent. Whether he is positive of not is irrelevent.

    What's relevent is your discomfort with that level of risk taking. Sounds like you made a good decision for you; one that you can live with.

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    Jun 28, 2007 5:01 PM GMT
    He's engaged in risky, irresponsible behavior, which speaks directly to his character.

    Yeah, sure, burninman is a top, so he can wear a condom. And I don't think the issue is HIV status here...but that the guy participates in risky behavior.

    By the way, I don't think anyone here would say that unprotected sex shouldn't occur between two guys in a committed monogamous relationship (well, if you can be sure of the monogamy, but that's another story).

    This is a hookup...the fact that the guy barebacks indicates that he wants to screw...and that's the riskiest thing to do for both the top and the bottom, without protection.

    Yeah, they can hold hands...but I am sure that's not what burninman wants to do. It would just take the "luster" off of my horniness knowing that the guy is so irresponsible, protection or not.
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    Jun 28, 2007 5:02 PM GMT
    Oh, if it wasn't clear in my wordiness, burninman, you are NOT being judgmental. Good for you.
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    Jun 28, 2007 5:17 PM GMT
    See... lots of people bareback.. in and out of monogamous relationships. And, just as many people say they don't. I know many people that claim to only do it with a condom, but get them drunk.. and BOOM they forget about HIV/AIDS, STI's and all that jazz.

    I would TOTALLY flake on someone if they bb, especially if I heard about it through the grapevine, because although gossip is bad, it always holds some truth.

    burninman.. good judgement. totally. better safe than dumped and horny.
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    Jun 28, 2007 5:29 PM GMT
    I am really curious how you found out he barebacks.
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    Jun 28, 2007 5:32 PM GMT
    Dude,

    I agree with everyone here, that is totally not being judgmental and your protecting yourself. He is being irresponsible and unfortunately, if keeps playing with fire, he will probably end up getting burned. I have so many friends, who thought they were invincible, now have to live with HIV.

    Smart Move Man. Kudos.

    -T
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    Jun 28, 2007 6:24 PM GMT
    We need pictures to make our final decision.
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    Jun 28, 2007 6:24 PM GMT
    Ok..... You're not judgemental for having your preference and breaking your date.

    But there are so many factors....
    Did he bareback with his lover or partner of so many years....? or anyone?
    Is he top or bottom? Are you the one concerned about him not wearing a condom because he's topping you?...... and if he hasn't worn them all this time, not that it's not dangerous, but the guys that bottomed for him before were possibly in more danger than he may have been, had he already had something.
    Plus all other factors....

    The main thing is.... none of us are truly safe from anything. So we need to take precautions, even in a relationship, just in case one of us strays. I would hope that any guy straying in a relationship cared enough not to BB because he cares somewhat for his partner/lover.

    So..... yeah, you called off the date and that's ok, but in reality, you can't trust anyone anyway, so you could have insisted on wearing condoms and had fun.

    But, I don't have all the facts, you do.

    --LANCE
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    Jun 28, 2007 6:30 PM GMT
    I dont' think you're being judgmental so much as unrealistic. You found out this guy barebacks, so you dropped him. But what about all the guys who bareback and don't tell you? Or that you don't know about? If you're dating/tricking, you have to approach *everyone* as a potential barebacker, because you just never know...
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    Jun 28, 2007 6:32 PM GMT
    It is really a VERY easy ? to answer. Would you play Russian Roulette? Or say I had two glasses of water and told you one had poison and one didn't? Would you take the chance? It's not all that different, it's not complicated.
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    Jun 28, 2007 6:54 PM GMT
    NRG579, the flaw in your logic is that people are honest. When you sleep with *anyone* you don't know very, VERY well, you have to assume there's an element of Russian Roulette involved.
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    Jun 28, 2007 6:57 PM GMT
    exactly - but if as it seems in this case that the person actually WAS honest and put that info out there, then I think that burninman was very wise to refrain from hooking up. I think we're saying the same thing only differently
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:16 PM GMT
    I don't think anyone is questioning burninman's judgment. So the guy was honest and said he barebacks. Or maybe burninman heard it through the grapevine. But what about the next hottie who lies about it? Or maybe the subject never comes up?

    I think focusing on who barebacks and who doesn't offers a false sense of security when hooking up. Guy #1 is honest and says he barebacks, so you say "no thanks!" Guy #2 lies and says he doesn't bareback when he does, so you hook up with him. What have you accomplished other than convincing yourself that one guy is "safer" than the other?

    If barebacking is turn-off, I completely understand that. But let's not be so foolish as to assume everyone is honest in that department! Whether a guy barebacks or not isn't really the issue. It's that you're having sex with someone you don't really know, so you should do everything you can to protect yourself and your partner. In other words, wear a condom!
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:17 PM GMT
    It really sounds like you actually liked him and were disappointed that this one thing ruined your excitement. It sucks, but plenty of guys do bareback and they inevitably will get what they are really looking for.

    That said, who cares if you are judgemental? Where is the harm in protecting yourself? Judgement was created to help us protect ourselves from things that may not be the best. It is a psychological reaction of protection - plain and simple. Understanding something may lessen the judgement, but it serves its purpose every single time.


    My advice: forget what everyone else thinks and do what you think is best for yourself. and if that means you come across as judgemental, so be it.


    In the end, you are the only one that you have to go to bed with each night. If you do something you aren't happy with yourself, you won't get much sleep. and then you'll just turn into a cranky byotch! :)
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:18 PM GMT
    precisely. i didn't mean to suggest that unsafe sex was to be done based on someone claiming that they have never barebacked. so yah, we're saying the same thing. wear a condom
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:22 PM GMT
    Statistically speaking there is a 1 in 600 chance of a bottom being infected from unprotected sex. There are extenuating circumstances such as how much precum, how large the top is, etc but still why take the chance. It doesn't really matter what any of us have to say or whether or not we agree with what you did. What's important is that you feel like you made the right decision for yourself.
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:29 PM GMT
    Here's a thought--you could commit to only having sex within a long-term relationship which has the potential to be a lifelong, sexually exclusive relationship. Just an idea to toss around.
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:33 PM GMT
    skjpm, such the optimist! Remember, we're talking about gay men...
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    Jun 28, 2007 7:37 PM GMT
    a good idea in theory...in application, not so much. 10 points for trying. ;)
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    Jun 28, 2007 9:12 PM GMT
    Statistics, amount of precum, etc. It doesn't matter to me. I've lost too many friends to this killer desease called AIDS.

    AIDS, HIV, STDS, etc. The price is just too high to have unsafe sex in this day and age.