Having 2nd thoughts about Denver....

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    May 07, 2011 8:34 AM GMT
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    May 07, 2011 12:49 PM GMT
    It sounds like you're in the 6 month doldrums. The newness has worn off, but you don't have any roots there.

    When I moved to San Francisco, my first few months were fun and exciting. But then I missed my friends back in Dallas...even the familiar faces I was friendly with in coffee shops, clubs and the gym. I felt alone. I had no good memories. As I started to hate SF, all the negatives become front and center. Expensive housing, tight parking....it rained every day in January. But I stuck it out and eventually came to love it. I look back now and laugh about missing Dallas over SF. (It was really MY LIFE in Dallas that I missed, not the city.)

    So,maybe Denver isn't the place for you. But maybe it is. If you're going to be there until July, at least give it your best shot until then. Get involved with something in the gay community...volunteer, join a club, etc. I'm willing to bet there are still a lot of people you haven't met yet.

  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14360

    May 07, 2011 2:56 PM GMT
    That is one disadvantage with many interior cities, they are not all that tolerant of diversity. Denver is a beautiful, clean, modern city but it lacks the diversity and excitement of an older Eastern city or a California city. Many of those inland cities like Denver, Phoenix, Omaha harbor a deep distrust towards minorities and especially poor people because they are unfairly percieved as being a cause for serious urban problems especially higher crime rates and urban decay. It is highly unfortunate that you are running into problems in Denver. Also don't just look at the club scene to gauge a city's attractiveness. There is much more to a city and its suburbs than the club scenes. Look at some of the other positive features of Denver and its metro area. Some of you younger guys put too much emphasis on clubs and overlook the rest of the city. That is very unfortunate.
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    May 07, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenver said...and I didn't think it'd come to this. Maybe it'll wear off by daybreak. But I'm just going to say everything that's on my mind, spill it out offense or no-offense. To recap, I been in Denver since September, then left in October back to Florida (home) and then came back to Denver in January.

    But I'm at the point where I'm just wondering, what the FUCK am I doing here? This place has nothing in common with what I like. The gay music scene here sucks. All they play is the same old bitch music by Lady Gaga and some other 14 year old girl music that I don't even know, nor know how to dance to.

    And then on top of that, I feel so outcast as a Black person in the gay scene here. Tonight, I had 2 guys fucking come up to me and say, "you're hot, I love brothas". Why can't I just be hot? And they were both absolutely not my type. Every week it's the same old shit. And I had to think, is this all I can get? Is this the best that can come of this? It's like, I know I'm fine I know I look good and I go with a smile and easy going attitude yet the people I want still don't approach me. It's always some old ass dude and it makes me feel so bad inside...And truth be told I reeeally don't find the Black guys out here to be much of my type. Shocking, I know but just speaking the truth. I mean serious, jerry curls? That went out in the 80s. Why the fuck is every other Black dude in the club wearing one? And why the FUCK have I yet to see but 1 gay Black dude in this fucking city who actually has atleast somewhat of an athletic body? I'm tired of going to the gym day in and day out being the only god damned gay Black guy in there!

    Maybe the fucking elevation out here has people fucked up!

    I just don't feel I can fit in here. Everything here is mountain bikes and skiing, and Subaru. I swear if I see 1 more fucking Subaru... I mean, I love the fact that it's near the mountains but that's the only thing I really like about it. Well, I lie...the fact that I can make a decent living out here. But hell, I go numerous other places and probably make even better living than out here. That's not enough to keep me here icon_mad.gif

    So, I'm out at the bar today and I just thought to myself, at the end of July when my lease is up I'm just going to pack everything up and leave. I'm half-happy out here. I can't find a decent barbershop, the clubs suck, my neighborhood sucks and there's barely any gay people out here, the gym's suck too because everybody just keeps to themselves and makes no effort to speak to anyone. I've reached out to my neighbors, I've attempted to chat with people here and there, I've looked at meetup.com but everything has failed to establish a connection.

    I really don't know what to do. I just cannot see myself living here. I don't see a future here. To me staying here means forgetting about a fashionable wardrobe, forget about finding someone attractive who I'm also attracted to, and pretty much just be here. Mediocre, Mundane here.

    This seems like a place where the only people who'd really be happy are White-bread people stuck in the 80s, outdoor and mainstream way of living. There's never anything exciting here. Bars close at 2 am, you can't buy wine at the grocery store....it's just so lame out here. I was never on the computer at 2:30 am on a Friday night typing about how much I hate a place when I was living in Miami icon_cry.gif

    I just need to know where the fuck I need to go. I got 3 months to figure it out. I was thinking of visiting Toronto in July but I may need to save that money to find a new place to live...which just might be it




    I'm gonna say this with the most tact I can, so no offense to you dude-

    but all you do is bitch. The majority of the threads you start on here are all bitching and moaning about something you DON'T like. Maybe you should focus on the stuff you DO like and then stuff will fall into place. Denver is never going to be Miami but it doesn't mean Denver can't be fun. It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail when you can't change the fact that you're in Denver. Best of luck!
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    May 07, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound like you are happy there. You should definitely look into moving somewhere else. The real question however is when you do move are you going to be changing your screen name? icon_razz.gif
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    May 07, 2011 3:16 PM GMT
    Why did you move to Denver? For school/work? I would just focus on that. Go out with your coworkers or classmates, and just relax and have fun. Seems like you try to make life long connections at clubs and it usually doesn't work out like that. To be honest with you, try sucking it up in Denver, seems like you have some issues internally that you need to deal with that you need figure out. Don't run away from things when times get tough.
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    May 07, 2011 3:21 PM GMT
    Honestly, I think it's you and not Denver. I've been to Denver and I didn't have any issues there just like I don't any issues anywhere I visit but that's just me because I keep an open mind about things and I don't let things dictate my fun factor not do I intention close myself off or fight the flow of things.

    Denver doesn't seem to be the place for you or rather you don't seem to be the person for Denver. Take that however you want but let's keep it real. Denver was there way before you were and you seem to be the only black person I've seen complaining about it. You need to broaden your search a bit and also get "unstuck" from yourself because you sound a little high on your horse with this "I'm the only athletic Black person here" deal. Seems you aren't as athletic, easy going or any of that other jazz as you think you are if you can't find what you want or maybe what you want doesn't want you because you aren't all that. Who knows? Having that somewhat conceited attitude is rather defeating and it might explain a few things. You aren't in Miami anymore so you should probably lose the Miami attitude or way of thinking. I'm just saying.

    As they say "When in Rome..."

    Hope things work out for you though so you can start posting some positive posts.
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    May 07, 2011 3:27 PM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenverIt's like, I know I'm fine I know I look good and I go with a smile and easy going attitude yet the people I want still don't approach me.


    Hmmm. Have you tried chatting to the men you do fancy? Why are you waiting for them to approach you?
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    May 07, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    Fit4FitnDenver said...what the FUCK am I doing here? This place has nothing in common with what I like.


    You answered your own question. Move here to NYC, or go to SF. Screw Denver.
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    May 07, 2011 3:48 PM GMT
    It could be Denver.

    It could also be you, as other people have said. You do tend to start a whole lot of threads that are 'bitching' about what you don't like. On the other hand maybe you really are unhappy right now and its causing you to seem like a whiney guy when you normally aren't so whiney. So what do you think?

    Maybe you should consider that, and consider what your attitude has been like over the course of your life. Did you really have similar complaints in Miami but not as often? What are the major themes in your life?

    Why did you move to Denver, back to FL and then back to Denver again?

    Consider all that..... decide what's best for you. Some things take getting used to.... people move here to DC and get turned off by the "educational snobbery" and by people asking "so what do you do?" It's just one of those things. Every place has its pros and cons. Try to find what you like about Denver and really focus on that.

    If you are truly that unhappy after considering all of that.... then leave. But take time in deciding when to move. As you probably know... its a big deal, moving.
  • Cdnontherun

    Posts: 69

    May 07, 2011 4:08 PM GMT
    I moved from Montréal to Denver and I hear you loud and clear. I moved back here because half of my family is here and, in a moment of weakness, felt a need to get near them... that is a whole other thread. However, I know exactly what you are talking about. Denver has been extremely good to me professionally; I have advanced here faster than I ever would have in Montréal. However, I have found the gay scene to be a little strange to the point that I have pretty much abandoned it. Denver is very cliquey and the gay community seems to be even more so. That said, I have met some nice people and have made a few friends though they all seem to be from somewhere else. I get very tired of every conversation revolving around sports, of the separation of ages and interests: I prefer things more mixed. I'm constantly looking for texture in my life and everyone around me seems to be looking for the smooth, muted colors. I've noticed a tendency for people to be very open to diversity on the surface, but don't really seem to know what to do with it when they are confronted with it and still seem to be struggling with a lot of ingrained stereotypes. According to two of my co-workers who are African-American and natives of Denver, their community poses certain problems as well. From personal experience and talking to others, I believe that after a while in Denver, one can start to question ones ability to make friends and create deep and lasting relationships. Luckily for me, I spend a lot of time in Buenos Aires and in a very short time was able to create the kind of relationships that I have in Montréal. So I made up my mind that while I'm here I will take solace in the fact that the weather is great, I'm doing well professionally, and there is a major airport here that can take me anywhere I need to go. Hang in there, but my advice is that if you don't feel that this is a good match, don't waste time here. Life is short.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    May 07, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    Based on the numerous threads you have started that are for the most part negative in tone, I would say this could be an "attitude problem" on your part. Unless you work on that, you're likely not going to be happy in ANY city. I grew up in Colorado, though not in Denver, but Denver is an extremely diverse city. I don't think you will have to look all that hard to find many people of the same ethnic background as you who are living and thriving there -- and who are very happy. Don't blame Denver.
  • siannoguy

    Posts: 14

    May 07, 2011 4:20 PM GMT
    I agree, it's the ATTITUDE, not the ALTITUDE to blame. Move if you have to. Choices, choices...
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    May 07, 2011 4:23 PM GMT
    Yeah, you don't like the place but Denver isn't the core of the issue
    ; it's you missing your lifestyle. As a result the most trivial of thing is subject to comparison and scrutiny with a biased view.

    Make a decision, make a move and get on with your life and lifestyle.




  • dreamer121

    Posts: 265

    May 07, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    We're people, we have to live within our environments.

    Stop making Denver something it's not. Its not gonna be the crazy nightlife, but it is a beautiful city, with some nice parks, and lots of outdoor activities. Try them, they're fun, its why I fell in love with that city, and is one of my favorite get aways.

    If its not "you" don't stay there, but don't bitch about it... Make the best of it bud. Hope you find your way.

    Oh, and the lack of fit black men in Denver is a myth. I've met two great one's on my vaca's.


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    May 07, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    Sounds like the 6-month immigrant blues to me.

    I had it in Vancouver too... looking back I can't even understand why as it's one heck of an awesome city. Interestingly enough, the remedy is just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be fine in two months.

    Unless it's an attitude problem, of course.
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    May 07, 2011 4:36 PM GMT
    Its called culture shock... you'll be over it after a while
  • jagjock

    Posts: 232

    May 07, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    Bud. From reading your profile then reading your topic post. I seem to read slot of discrepancy. I lived in Colorado my while life. Went to college at DU and have to say maybe you should stop going to the bars. There's slot more then Cheeseman, Jr's, charlies, wrangler. There are slot of outlets in that city. I miss it. Culturally the city is a word of wealth , and for you saying you like to do inexpensive activities- you have the rockys at your doorstep. Hike bike you can drive to boulder for a day and hike Go to vail and ski. And if your buying wine at the grocery store... venture out Marczyks foods ( across from Jr's) has a great lil wine store in the back. Amazing bottles that would blow your mind. So if you are finding yourself in the rut of Colorado gay life please realize that the city of Denver offers more then what you seem to be listing. Denver has some of the best young and upcoming chefs in the west. I can list pros for days. But if you truly believe what u wrote in your profile Then why are so concerts about gay this and gay that. Denver is a place I'm proud to know and have roots there. Buddy understand also wherever you go you'll find issues but in order to make it a home you have to find your nitch, and perhaps Denver is not the place for you but don't hate the city based on the places and people you surround yourself by. Try exploring what Colorado is known for... And it's not bars, djs, or wine from king soopers.

    And on the topic of settling for a a stage guy and not having fashion. It's so sad that you think places and people like Miami offer that. FYI people in major city's would kill to spend a week in Aspen Colorado just to be seem with the important people. So you find that your settling for less then what you see. Yet when was the last time you ventured out beyond the hill. Truly ventured out to boulder, to Aspen , to anywhere but Denver. Proper. To say That there ate no gay people, for years Denver held one of the top three gay per capita for gay men n women. Also Denver has the first openly elected house rep. Jarred polis. Denver offer one of the top three prides in the us. Just because you don't see every gay man out at the bar doesn't mean that they don't exsist. They are just working hard building lives OUTSIDE of the eagle. OUTSIDE 9 th and Downing. So move in July. But dont judge one of the top progressive cities for 2010. Judge it in the sense that you font fit the mold. It's ok but don't stereotype a entire city. That's you being a lil hypocritical.

    Best of luck


    Jag. Just another standard nothing flashy Colorado native. And FYI I don't drive a suburu.
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    May 07, 2011 6:09 PM GMT
    Big people have big problems. Not being able to buy wine after certain times and hairstyles.... those aren't big problems. So in a way, I think this miserable period you're going through now is healthy because maybe it will help you shed some unnecessary perceptions and thoughts.

    For one thing, you are unique based on your profile. You, and many others, can stop searching for someone who is "just like you." When you're a gay minority, the odds are stacked and it is a worthless end. You change as you age so by the time you turn 28 you'll be a different person anyway.

    As others have pointed out, you need to find out what makes you happy. The process of finding this is called... "life". You're 23 now, so don't be in such a rush to get "there". You like to travel, so start there. Find some guys that like to travel as well, or maybe join a club, or start one.

    Denver, Austin, Seattle etc, are all great cites that are known for their outside landscape versus their nightlife. Based on your personality, you need to be in a city that offers maximum choices. If you're looking for nightlife + diversity, you need to live in one of the super cities... NY, L.A., Miami, Houston-often overlooked but is the 4th largest city in the US and 6th largest GLB pop.

    Good luck to you.
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    May 07, 2011 6:11 PM GMT
    Hey, what's not to love about Denver? Every restaurant has homemade potato chips and ranch dressing!
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    May 07, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    As a two year Denverite I understand. But I love this town. Consider this, is it Denver or is it what you miss form your previous location? Transitions are hard, new place take time to adapt too. Before you throw in the towel, I'd ask yourself if you have really given yourself enough time to cultivate a community that reflects your ideals, and have you been willing to compromises them?
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    May 07, 2011 7:18 PM GMT
    Yeah, it ain't about Denver.

    There are very few exceptions on the planet where being a Black male in the proverbial "gay scene" is not the role of an outcast among outcasts. I'll go so far as to bet Denver is comfortably above the curve.

    Sometimes, the tangible sense of something missing could be a sign of untapped market demand. Consider pursuing a business venture where the things you miss (fashion, decent barbershop/hairstyling, nightclub scenes and music) can be imported from elsewhere and shared with others. The stuff you are searching desperately for could very well be what others are waiting desperately for you to offer. Denver's known for its pioneers, so why not be one?

    Don't just run somewhere else. You'll be back here in a year with the same thesis and the only thing changed being the name of the town.
  • roadbikeRob

    Posts: 14360

    May 07, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    Denver is a very beautiful and modern city located in a beautiful setting. I find it relatively hard to believe that despite the fact that Denver is an inland city, it still has a lot to offer. Be thankful that you are living in a growing, prosperous central city like Denver and not in crime infested, deteriorating, dying urban basketcases like Detroit, Cleveland, and Buffalo. You could also be living out in the middle of nowhere in some impoverished rural and small town area like the coal fields in West Virginia and Pennsylvania. You could also live where I lived for almost ten years, in one of the most unfriendly, expensive and horribly overrated sunbelt cities known as Austin, Texas. So quit your complaining and count your blessings in Denver.
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    May 07, 2011 7:58 PM GMT
    running11 said


    I'm gonna say this with the most tact I can, so no offense to you dude-

    but all you do is bitch. The majority of the threads you start on here are all bitching and moaning about something you DON'T like. Maybe you should focus on the stuff you DO like and then stuff will fall into place. Denver is never going to be Miami but it doesn't mean Denver can't be fun. It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail when you can't change the fact that you're in Denver. Best of luck!



    QFT!
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    May 07, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidI grew up in Colorado, though not in Denver, but Denver is an extremely diverse city


    Let's see, after having traveled through Colorado by car from I-70 from Kansas/Utah, I-25 from New Mexico border, Hwy 287 from Oklahoma/Texas and the backroads that takes you from Georgetown to steamboat to Salt Lake city I notice that Colorado is pretty much (estimating deeply here) 70% White, 29% Hispanic and 1% Black.

    And so off you come to Denver and consider it diverse LOL. You have no idea buddy of what diverse is. Even if Denver is diverse, the gay scene is most definitely not. Denver is not diverse anyone from the east coast can tell you that. Diverse is having groups from Europe, the Carribean, Central America, South America, South Africa, Bulgaria, Germany, Russia, China, Japan. In large enough numbers that you don't have to use a micrscope to find. That's what I seen while living in Miami. Not here. The only time I'd end up with a White guy In Miami is if he was from another country.

    redheadguy said
    Hmmm. Have you tried chatting to the men you do fancy? Why are you waiting for them to approach you?


    Man, let me tell you I've done that enough times. It's like I'm always the one to make the first move. Sometimes it works most times it doesn't.

    I'm never the type to just 'run after' someone. They have to look at me or give me some signs that they want to draw towards. And especially being a Black person here in Denver, I find I run into 2 types of gay guys: Black guys who are trying to get with the White guys (or who just aren't my type), and then White guys who aren't really interested in associating with another "Black guy" (I gotta find my friends!) You also have the small Latino population in the gay scene which seems disproportionate to the amount of Latinos that actually live in this city. I've had better experiences with them living here.

    Guy101 saidI've been to Denver and I didn't have any issues there just like I don't any issues anywhere I visit


    Well there's your answer right there. Yes, I "been" to Denver to before I moved here and didn't have any issues. Look at my map on my profile, I also been to a lot of other states. Would I move there? No because I know I wouldn't like living in all of them. But visiting a place and living there are totally different. So for you to make that comment and assume what I'm experiencing is baseless, is a bit condescending don't you think?

    I don't understand why if someone doesn't like a city, it's their fault? I have gotten lots of "I don't like Denver" from people in Albuquerque and Salt Lake City, which happens to be the nearest neighbor cities. So they gotta problem? Explain it! Cause it doesn't make sense to me...

    Mixleanmachine saidthe real question however is when you do move are you going to be changing your screen name? icon_razz.gif


    LOL, most likely...

    roadbikeRob saidThat is one disadvantage with many interior cities, they are not all that tolerant of diversity. Denver is a beautiful, clean, modern city but it lacks the diversity and excitement of an older Eastern city or a California city. Some of you younger guys put too much emphasis on clubs and overlook the rest of the city. That is very unfortunate.


    I know, and I'm trying to look beyond just the clubs. I went back on meetup.com to join a kicball group so maybe that'll be something different.

    People who are from the 'middle America' places don't understand what I talk about because they don't have a clue. They think this is it right here.

    White4DarkerFL saidIt sounds like you're in the 6 month doldrums. The newness has worn off, but you don't have any roots there.


    Yeah that's what I'm thinking as well...but I experienced the same thing when I first moved to Miami but thing is there was still some things I liked about it and some things I wanted to do.

    I know just going to the clubs and considering that to be the whole of the city is not the right viewpoint, but if everything else isn't clicking with me, I like to atleast know I can have a good time at the clubs. I like clubs. I like music and the lights and meeting random people. And in Miami, I did. I went out alone for a good 8 months before I finally met someone and established a solid friendship connection. That was, someone who invited me out every weekend, on the weekend.

    But here, I can barely do that. First and foremost the music is awful. The only thing they can play is mainstream pop female and every once in awhile they 'might' play something interesting.

    dreamer121 said
    Oh, and the lack of fit black men in Denver is a myth. I've met two great one's on my vaca's.


    See my response above...again, you VISITED. I met some nice guys here too when I was on vacation last June. Don't use your visit as to conclude the city.

    roadbikeRob saidBe thankful that you are living in a growing, prosperous central city like Denver and not in crime infested, deteriorating, dying urban basketcases like Detroit, Cleveland, and Buffalo.


    Oh God, you don't have to tell me twice. I been to 2 cities in the rustbelt, namely Indy and Chicago and I'd choose Denver any day over those!

    Then again, I still have lots of states to visit so I needn't think, "well I could be living in a dumpster!" I'm not the type that thinks that way. Complacency is fine for a season, and then it's time to move on. Moving on is not going to kill me...