Relationship advice -- please assist

  • the_test_912

    Posts: 4

    May 09, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    So, I don't want to be too long-winded on this, so I will boil things down for you to the salient bits.

    My BF and I have been together for almost three years. We met in Europe and absolutely fell in love. We were physically separated for a few months due to our occupations, but we were reunited. We both felt a lot of anxiety and were were uncertain about each other, but we soon overcame that.

    So, fast forward a few months. Vacations, great relations, nice things, fun, and all the other wonderful things that come with a relationship.

    So, one day I found out he went on a gay webpage and created a profile (we met on the same webpage) -- he never told me about it, but he had met a couple guys from that webpage. He told me the meeting was strictly platonic, and of course, I had a hard time believing him... but then realized, after some analysis and overcoming my trust issues, that he was telling the truth. We both agreed that if we were going to meet others in this context, that we'd give each other the courtesy of mentioning it. Ok, so we both agreed.

    Fast forward one year. We were on the cam chat (physically separated for now) and I heard a noise only associated with the aforementioned gay webpage. I questioned him about this, and he claimed it was a pop-up. I disagreed, and eventually he admitted to being on the same webpage. I was a little angry about this, but he broke a promise we made with each other. He had created his profile roughly two months before I caught him. I asked him if I could look at his messages and message history, and after a few clicks on his end and some reluctance, he let me see everything. Nothing looked sexual in nature, and everything appeared strictly platonic in nature with the individuals he was messaging.

    I told him the issue was trust and promises -- we promised each other to to give some courtesy to each other, but I felt let down.

    To note, he knows of this post (I told him and showed him) so he will be looking at it as well as I.

    I love him, and feel that this issue is something we can work out, and really we're true to each other -- but when something comes up like this, I feel shocked and disappointed.

    I'd like any input, advice, or perspective on this situation and if this is perhaps normal in a relationship... again, we've been together about three years and simply in love with each other.

    Thanks a lot for your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 09, 2011 1:24 AM GMT
    Long distance is rough, and I will save anyone from my ridiculously blunt opinion of them.

    However, you feel let down which is logical. The only thing you can do is explain your feelings about the situation. It will either resolve itself or it won't, and you both move on. The good thing is you are handling it in a mature manner without letting childish impulses surge.
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    May 09, 2011 1:55 AM GMT
    deltalimen saidLong distance is rough, and I will save anyone from my ridiculously blunt opinion of them.


    I too have nothing good to say about long distance relationships. The only way I ever see them working out is if you've previously established a solid relationship in close quarters for an extended period of time, and then separate. Good luck to you in trying to make it work, though.

    I should mention that I'm not immune to temptation either. I'd be just as worried about slipping up as I would be about my significant other doing so. We're human. We get lonely. We develop needs for physical contact and attention that a webcam cannot give. Someone offers those, feelings develop (or feelings of jealousy on your other's part), etc. I would simply not be foolish enough to put myself in a situation where I'm basically setting myself up to fail due to my biological makeup.
  • the_test_912

    Posts: 4

    May 09, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    Thank you both for your replies.

    deltalimen: We've both discussed our feelings on this, so we have some expectations. One his end, he felt pressure from me because he knows my reactions to hidden surprises like this can affect me in a very negative way. So, his rationale was that of a white lie, in that he was doing no harm just meeting others. On my end, I felt this to be a trust issue and an integrity issue rather than anything else.

    jerbear89: We've been together in close quarters for a while, then made the separation. You're correct about temptation, but I've such strong feelings for him that I know I'd never do something that we'd both perceive as unfaithful. Unfortunately, at least from my perspective, he's gone on those webpages even after we both made a promise. I never saw anything concrete of him being unfaithful, just that he wants to have some companions to hang out with and talk with. This need certainly isn't shocking or not understandable, but my issue was him keeping his feelings hidden from me.
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    May 09, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    I understand. That's what I'm saying though. These guys he's talking to just looking for friends/companionship, etc. might develop feelings for him, or him for them. I may be a bit pessimistic, but I think it would be naive to dismiss the possibility. I guess I'm just saying that if you're signing up for long distance you need to accept the fact that the likelihood of him wandering is higher than if you were by his side.
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    May 09, 2011 7:54 AM GMT
    the_test_912 said
    Fast forward one year. We were on the cam chat (physically separated for now) and I heard a noise only associated with the aforementioned gay webpage. I questioned him about this, and he claimed it was a pop-up. I disagreed, and eventually he admitted to being on the same webpage. I was a little angry about this, but he broke a promise we made with each other. He had created his profile roughly two months before I caught him. I asked him if I could look at his messages and message history, and after a few clicks on his end and some reluctance, he let me see everything. Nothing looked sexual in nature, and everything appeared strictly platonic in nature with the individuals he was messaging.


    So I suppose right here is the test of how trusting you are of the other person.

    In my eyes, he just deleted what evidence he had of hooking up w/ other guys.

    It seems that a lot of animosity arises when someone finds out their boyfriend has created a profile on a hook up site.

    Personally, I would want to know why they felt the need to do so, and if they were meeting guys for a platonic relationship why they couldn't do so through other channels.

    Also, you already have trust issues with him so why not ask him not to delete his profile as a sign of good faith. Otherwise it's going to linger in your head, festering until your relationship breaks.

    You both sound really mature though so I'm sure you'll work it out.
  • the_test_912

    Posts: 4

    May 09, 2011 11:07 PM GMT
    Thank you for your post, I appreciate this.

    Would anyone else please chime in? I feel a bit lonely and isolated because of this.

    Thank you.
  • cheekiboi24

    Posts: 16

    May 11, 2011 9:50 PM GMT
    I'm not going to lie to you, if he can do this once behind your back then he can do it again, and the more he does it, the more careful he'll be.

    You say you were apart talking on cam chat - and he'd created the profile two months before that night? Granted, you may have seen the chats he's had with these other people, which I also don't doubt were sincere, but what about the future? If this happens again, who's to say that:

    A: you'll find out?

    B: that he'll show you the messages he's been sending again?

    C: that he even cares about any mutual agreement between you both by breaking your trust?

    I may sound brutal, but i'm just giving you a different view :-)
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 11, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    Long distance relationships can be challenging and congrats.. you have done well (I have one as well, just not as "long distance" as you guys.)

    Trust is very important. Glad you realized that a part of being online is strictly social. My partner knows all about this site... RJ... and I have met some very nice, really quality guys here. Does that mean I'm going to act
    inappropriately? No.. RJ for me helps me be a social being, to learn, to interact as a gay man with others. It has been a very positive experience.

    You guys have something special and you love him. Always be open and honest with him, even if it's a challenge if there are issues you need to discuss. Afford him the trust he deserves until and if there is ever a time to question it. Above all.. create a future together so these challenges will be mostly put to rest. Best wishes to you.
  • twostroke

    Posts: 184

    May 11, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    quite honestly I fail to see a big problem here.
    matter of fact is that probably a great great majority of gays do this (and heteros). at least he tells you, even if he failed to do so on some occasions.
    the important thing is what you feel for each other.
    maybe he´s got some "needs" only a "one night stand" can give (maybe he likes sado or something else he could never do with you... out of love).

    Relax, don´t take it too seriously. Lets not fall in the hetero-marriage-cliche type of thing.
  • twostroke

    Posts: 184

    May 11, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    I hope your boy-friend reads my advice -see above-
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2011 11:07 AM GMT
    I was in the same exact situation. I had thoughts of leaving my partner due to this long distance/hookup sites profiles, but stuck through after massive communication and healing (still ongoing). Its been a rocky road, several fall outs and finally, I got across my message that it's not okay to go on gay hook up sites as laid out by our rules whatsoever. Fast forward, we are still together for almost two years.

    OP is a very understanding mature person. His boyfriend should see clearly that he should be grateful to have a person that is open and sincere. OP, you already communicated across your expectations in the relationship, he needs to follow through.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2011 11:23 AM GMT
    Is he living in a place where it is hard for him to meet friends? Speaking for myself, as an expat I find it maddeningly difficult to meet new people. The internet is a sort of social outlet for that, a kind of virtual happy hour. RJ in particular provides a lot of the interaction with gays I don't get having lived in a bigger city. Because of RJ, I don't really need that happy hour and everything kind of works.

    You don't mention said webpage, but I think it matters. Some web pages you don't really have platonic profiles on, however you might try to make it sound that way. Whatever your intentions, the environment you expose yourself to isn't always conducive to healthy relationships. RJ is great for platonic relationships and good advice, but some of those 'other sites' are built with a singular focus.

    If this website you are talking about is full of guys looking for something else, however platonic his profile may be, you can be sure he is being inundated by guys with a very different goal. Consider whether that is something you can be bothered to deal with. I can think of no good reason why any coupled person would need to steep themselves in that sort of tea.

    At the end of the day, though, this is about you, too. You can't be taken advantage of more than once without your permission, so set clear boundaries and communicate. If he violates trust, he can't think that your patience is endless. Eventually you decide what is enough for you and even if you love him heaps, you hold to that line.