GOLF FUN AND HUMOR

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    Apr 07, 2008 2:37 PM GMT
    The Gospel According to St. Titleist



    1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe
    than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
    Grantland Rice

    2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
    childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past
    five.
    John Updike

    3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the
    world is when one is playing golf.
    Robert Lynd

    4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the
    game of golf would be played far better than it is.
    Horace G. Hutchinson

    5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is m ore
    complicated than that.
    Gardner Dickinson

    6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do
    a golf club, they'd starve to death.
    Sam Snead

    7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
    William Wordsworth

    8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
    Dean Martin

    9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it
    ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back
    to pick it up.
    Tommy Bolt

    10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
    responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
    Bishop Sheen

    11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd
    come u p sliced.
    Arnold Palmer


    12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
    Chris Codiroli

    13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would
    put a flag stick on top.

    14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time
    getting out of them!
    Buddy Hackett

    15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
    Billy Graham

    16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the
    wrong golf ball.
    Jack Lemmon

    17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while
    they are still rolling.
    Mark Twain

    18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
    Harry Vardon

    19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being
    good at either of them.
    Jimmy DeMaret

    20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
    Ben Hogan

    21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook.
    If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
    All Us Hackers


    22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't
    improve your lie.
    George Deukmejian

    And Finally. .

    23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
    comes out of a bagpipe.
    Lee Trevino



  • olden

    Posts: 194

    Apr 07, 2008 6:43 PM GMT
    Anoth Trevino-ism:

    When asked what he does when there is lightening and he is on the course, he said that he holds up a one iron, because not even God can hit a one iron.
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    Apr 07, 2008 8:22 PM GMT
    Perfect timing Rigs! Just about ready to head back out to the range to start warming up for the first round of the year. Not that my time on the range will make a damn bit of difference! See #21 above!
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    Apr 07, 2008 11:15 PM GMT
    rigsby said 17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while
    they are still rolling.
    Mark Twain


    The other famous Mark Twain quote on golf:

    "Golf is a good walk spoiled."
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    Aug 28, 2009 2:10 PM GMT
    Calls to a Golf Course
    ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE (Amherst, Mass.)



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: What are your green fees?
    Staff: 38 dollars.
    Caller: Does that include golf?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late.
    Can you still get me out early?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
    Staff: You mean a driving range?
    Caller: No, that's not it..,,,



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12
    o'clock and noon.
    Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
    Caller: Yes.
    Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
    Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
    Caller: What's the next time after that?
    Staff: We have one at 10:22.
    Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.






    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: How much to play golf today?
    Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
    Caller: 38 dollars?
    Staff: No, 38 yen.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
    Staff: What time would you like?
    Caller: What times do you have?
    Staff: What time of the day?
    Caller: Any time.
    Staff: Morning or afternoon?
    Caller: Whenever.
    Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the
    afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
    Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Do you have a dress code?
    Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
    Caller: How about clothes?
    Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
    Staff: Yes.
    Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
    Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice
    as many small balls for the same price.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
    Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
    Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
    Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
    Caller: How much to rent a bag?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
    Staff: Yes.
    Caller: How much for a large bucket?
    Staff: Four dollars.
    Caller: Does that include the balls?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
    Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
    Caller: And what time does that start?



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
    Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
    Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.



    Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
    Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
    =
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 15, 2010 10:36 PM GMT
    Some are old, some are new, most are clever


    These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
    ~ Sam Snead

    I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
    ~ Steve Grande

    Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.
    ~ Jim Murray

    The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
    ~ Pete Hoffmann


    I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par......
    ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

    After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
    ~ Conny Klimenko

    The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree..
    ~ Brian Weis

    Swing hard in case you hit it.
    ~ Dan Marino

    My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
    ~ Lord Robertson

    Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
    ~ Jack Benny

    There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground..
    ~ Ben Hogan

    Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best
    ~ Jack Nicklaus

    The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
    ~ H G Wells


    If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf..
    ~ Bob Hope

    While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
    ~ Henny Youngman


    You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
    ~ Lee Trevino


    Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

    Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

    When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either use one more club or two more balls.

    If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

    The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

    No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

    The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors

    Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

    A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

    It is surprisingly easy to hole a thirty foot putt. For a 10.

    Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

    Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts

    It's not a gimme if you're still away.

    The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

    You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

    If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

    Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

    When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

    Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two double bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

    To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.


    There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

    Hazards attract; fairways repel.

    A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

    If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

    It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 am to mow the grass.

    A good drive on the 18 th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

    Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you spend longer praying than you would do in church.

    A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

    If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

    Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

    It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

    If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse)..

    It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, and eat hot dogs when you are performing Brain Surgery!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 25, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    Fun stuff! icon_lol.gif