Haven't visited my sister's grave in 10 years.

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    May 09, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    This weekend (May 7th) marked the 9th birthday of my sister Tarin after she passed away in 2001. She passed away from liver cancer when she was only 15 years old. Other than one time about a month after she passed, I haven't been back to her grave in 10 years, and finally decided I needed to visit her.

    I've been getting along just fine in my life after her passing. I was only 12 years old when she died, so the young age combined with my stunted emotional responses to events, her death didn't really hit me until I was around 15 years old myself. It was hard for me at that time growing up with out her (despite the fact that I had 2 other sisters). She was my best friend and the one that understood me best.

    So I went to the cemetery with a friend. I thought that it would be a quick 5 minutes to just sit and reminisce and just think about her and then we'd leave. The first thing that my friend noticed was that I knew exactly where my sister's plot was, even though I had only visited once before back 10 years ago. I could see it so clearly in my head, even after all these years. I finally got to her plot, read the headstone, and collapsed in a ball and let the flood gates open. It was the hardest I've cried in a while and it just felt so good to let it out and just lay down next to her. I ended up staying there for about 45 minutes just talking to her, laying there, and crying.

    Even though she was never there to see me compete in any sports, she has been my crutch through out all of my athletic achievements. I dedicate every race/game/match to her through out high school and college, and she's really the reason why I did so well. And now I regret not going to visit her more often. All I know is that it will not be another 10 years before i visit her again.

    I hope none of you realjockers do the same as I did and wait to visit a loved one.
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    May 09, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    It's lovely you have that devotion to her memory. These things are variable, and individual.

    I miss both my late parents very much. But visiting their mausoleum, not too many miles from me, will not do anything for me. I treasure the memory of them that I hold, not their remains.

    My own younger sister is still alive, also not very far from me. I haven't spoken to her in 15 years, nor do I intend to. When our father died she told me how much she hates me, for a lot of imaginary slights going back to us being children. And also for my being gay.

    Well, OK, no loss to me. In truth I rarely thought of her when we were kids, and if I offended her it wasn't intentional, perhaps more a matter that I just didn't care or think about her. I can't remember that she ever cared about me, either. A family of few emotions.

    Her chief stated hatred was that our parents lavished more attention on me than her. Perhaps they did, I dunno, not my doing. I was the first born, and the male, back when that meant more than it does today. If I was spoiled more than her (and I know I was very spoiled) I never asked for it.

    At the same time, while I was in the Army after voluntarily enlisting, she was attending a finishing school in Switzerland, something I never did. So that I failed to see her envy of me, when at the same time she was in luxury I was sleeping in mud.

    Ah, well. sibling rivalry. Your own devotion to a deceased older sister is touching and heart-breaking.

    My mother was devoted to her younger brother, who was killed in France during WWII. I'm named after him, and she told me all about him, and wanted me to be just like him.

    I guess I was just a surrogate for him in her eyes. Be careful of your own emotions. I foresee that risk for you. Be your own person, unaffected by the lives of others.
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    May 10, 2011 3:04 AM GMT

    I hope none of you realjockers do the same as I did and wait to visit a loved one.[/quote]

    Although the visit to your sister's grave was the trigger you needed to release, I don't think it's necessary for many. I never go to my mom's grave even though we were very close. I talk to her all the time (yes, out loud.) I know there is nothing in that grave but an empty shell that used to house my mother's spirit.
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    May 10, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    I had a younger brother who died when he was two. The last time I was at his grave in Berlin was when I was six years old. Here is a poem I always found comfort in.

    Do not stand at my grave and weep,
    I am not there, I do not sleep.
    I am in a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints on snow,
    I am the gentle showers of rain,
    I am the fields of ripening grain.
    I am in the morning hush,
    I am in the graceful rush
    Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
    I am the starshine of the night.
    I am in the flowers that bloom,
    I am in a quiet room.
    I am in the birds that sing,
    I am in each lovely thing.
    Do not stand at my grave bereft,
    I am not there. I have not left.

    --Mary Elizabeth Frye

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    May 10, 2011 5:06 AM GMT
    Thank you for sharing your story.

    And, may you be blessed with even more opportunities to dedicate your performances in her memory.

    Aloha and Be Well!
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    May 10, 2011 5:15 AM GMT
    Two friends of mine, and one acquaintance have died throughout my high school/college career. I promised myself I would visit that acquaintance's grave about 5 years ago, and still haven't gotten around to it. My other friend I haven't been to her funeral or visited her grave, and the other friend I didn't know about any funeral, and there's no obituary to my knowledge, but I found out where she's buried.

    Sadly, to answer your question, allathlete, I have. I'm working on visiting my friends' graves, but I'm not sure if visiting my classmate's will do anything for me.
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    May 10, 2011 5:44 AM GMT
    You can say that you've not been there for 10 years but clearly in your heart you've been with her the whole time. Don't be so hard on yourself, some times the grieving process goes on for many years. I think having the opportunity to express your emotions was probably a very positive move in a direction of acceptance and maturity on your part. You sister touched your life while living and she touched your life while you were growing up and even now, she touches your life in the memories you share. I think she'd probably be as happy for that as for you stopping by. Going to visit her is for you, so make a commitment that you feel good about and then share everything you can with her. Thanks for sharing your story.
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    May 10, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    I'm just surprised at how I reacted when I went and saw her. It's been 10 years and I've dealt with the mourning and everything, but one look at her grave and I completely broke down and cried the hardest I have cried in probably 10 years. It just surprised me is all that her grave could be that big of a trigger.
  • shawn06

    Posts: 337

    May 10, 2011 4:25 PM GMT
    I'm so srry about your sister. These things hit me hard all the time, your post reminds me to make that visit to my own fathers grave whom I lost at the age of 15 from terrible people. Thanks for posting and I now know my summer trip should be back to the bronx, it's been 2 years since I last went.

    You did the right thing and I hope your feeling good about making that visit.
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    May 12, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    I can't imagine how horrible it must be to lose a sibling. As much as I hate my brothers sometimes, I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm so sorry about your sister, but your reaction was completely normal. I'm sure you've been dealing with her death quite well on your own, but when you go to someone's grave it really just sets in and makes you realize that you will never see that person again in your lifetime...at least that's how it makes me feel.
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    May 12, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    I think that after the first time u visited her back the 10 years, u created a shield to protect urself from feeling her absence and to try to move on. But returning back and seeing her grave stone must've made u get out this shield and realize that she really is gone and made u crack up like that.

    When my mom passed away 2 years ago; she was in a different country, i was home alone all my family were in different places i took the news alone and i suddenly felt the house empty and everything is falling apart. then when people came to mourn i didn't cry a single tear or shake or anything, i even smiled and was as if nothing happened.

    It hit at the night when i went to sleep in her bed that she's never coming back and i'm never gona be able to visit her (she was buried in Saudi Arabia) which means they dont have graveyards in there they bury people in an area (but no grave stones or anything) so you can't identify her place. So this night i felt like am chocking and kept crying and crying all alone in her bed... 2 days later i had this dream of her we were in her car she was driving and i was in the passenger seat and my sisters in the back and then she was trying to light up a cigarette (she used to do it when she drives) she told me to hold the wheel (she always do it without help) and she kinda like rested her back and lit the cig and enjoyed while am trying to get a hold for the wheel and I was like going in left and right and she told me take it, hold it and then it ended (that dream meant that the car represents life and she was taking care of our lives and then when she passed away she was passing me the torch; ever since i took the responsibility of my sisters and i had major fights with dad and bro for that and after this dream i realized she ws really gone and that am on my own and this is WHEN I MADE MY CLOSURE.)

    Of course i pray for her soul everyday, i miss her everyday but not in a depressing way, i moved on and i thank her everyday for who i am today!

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    Jul 13, 2011 4:54 AM GMT
    So... today at 8:48am marks the 10 year anniversary of my sister passing away. Imma be a mess when I visit her icon_sad.gif
  • AlanGZ

    Posts: 385

    Jul 13, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    Allathlete saidSo... today at 8:48am marks the 10 year anniversary of my sister passing away. Imma be a mess when I visit her icon_sad.gif

    Good luck mate, sweet hugs!
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2590

    Jul 13, 2011 6:59 AM GMT
    I`m sorry to read of your loss,Allathlete,but it`s good you went to your sister`s grave in your own time.Maybe it was just a growing up process;you would get there.
    Your posting came home to me as my youngest sister is in hospital with cancer and hasn`t long to live.
    I visit my parents memorial stone in my local cemetery occaisionally.I often go past it on my runs and think of my father especially who was a training sergeant in the RAF and very fit and strong.I think he would have been impressed by my performances.
    We should all appreciate and love our families.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 13, 2011 7:04 AM GMT
    Thank you for sharing just a deeply personal story with us. I'm sure you have honored your sister's memory by the way you've led your life and that she's smiling down on you. It's clear that just because you never visited her grave, you always held her close in your heart. That's where it matters most.