Should I Wait for Him to get over his Ex?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 12:11 AM GMT
    So I met this guy like 3 1/2 months ago on Grindr. We talked, nothing sexual what so ever and after a conversation on the app, we exchanged numbers and texted each other all the time. No flirting just friendship. When I met him maybe a week later, I could tell he was not interested me as he seemed spaced out but I already grew a crush on him. Not too long after that, he started opening up about how his roommate was actually a guy he had met on Grindr and messed around with and fell in love with. Sadly his roomie did not feel the same way and repeatedly turned him down. The guy I meet on Grindr of course did not take this well and went through a lot of hardships with it. Then I meet him when he was probably at his worst. Since he told me that I told him I will always be here as a friend and we have opened up a lot. He tells me everything as do I. The whole time though I was always pushing off my crush, I guess you could say it never really left. Recently on Wednesday I went to his house and we started wrestling and what not. Tension and flirting was in the air. I was shocked...did he really feel the same way? Next day I go to his house and I kissed him and we make out like crazy and fall asleep in his bed. I was still in shock and more than anything, I had fallen deeply for him. Which was scary as this honestly the first time I've fallen for anyone. So then we start hanging out more, kissing, holding hands. And last night, he mentions we should talk about us. He comes over and we talk about us. I tell him I want more and I can give him the relationship he deserves. He tells me he doesn't want me to be a rebound. That maybe he needs more time. He is not nearly as in love with his roomie as before, but I know there are still some feelings there. So we talk and fall asleep together again holding each other. Hurts me because I know this would be so natural and would happen if he wasn't in love with that ex. And he still lives with the ex but plans on moving back home by the end of the month.

    Here's the predicament I have to decide:
    Do I wait for him to get over the roomie and then see if he wants to pursue a relationship?

    OR

    Do I move on and just be a friend to him?

    I really care for this guy. He says he feels the same and would want to try things out with me but that he is scared and confused if its really what he wants or a distraction.

    I'm crying my eyes out for this guy which is something I have never done!!!!


    PLEASE RJ MEMBERS...HELP ME!! I NEED ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE EXPERIENCED WITH RELATIONSHIPS. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION!
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    May 10, 2011 1:17 AM GMT
    ok, first red-flag, is that he lives with his ex. no matter what else, that's in his space all the time. it's hard to be rational or know if you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire if you still live with your ex. it's like a part of the relationship is not over.

    2nd red flag, he says he may need more time. believe him. it could be forever. that's his control, but do you want to give all the power away? love makes people irrational. he could end up taking out on you some anger at other people, and if you're a doormat who takes it, you deserve it (or at least that is the message you will be sending).

    HOWEVER

    you care about him. you are friends. so my advice would be to place yourself where you can emotionally so that you can move on with your life. do not put yourself on hold. is there a steady stream of activity in your life or is this something you will obsess over? you can make OTHER friends during the interim, they don't have to be sexual. you can get your intimacy needs met other places, without necessarily doing anything sexual (or you can be as sexual as you want, since you have no agreement, except that he needs more time).

    i've been there. and i've waited. and i've found that if you put your life on hold for someone, on some level they don't respect you. it's emotional angst. if he had a fire under his ass, he'd already have moved out.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    i totally agree to the guy on top!!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    been there...
    it sucks to feel that way, do not waste your time waiting for this guy.
    move on, i know it hurts but it is the best thing you can do. believe me i know what i am saying.

    best of luck,
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    May 10, 2011 2:13 AM GMT

    No one can tell you if there is a right or wrong decision here to be made, the picture is from your view point only.

    You don't want to make a decision based on some one's play book or receipt book. This is where you start learning how to communicate understand his emotional side and yours. Why not back off a little keep exploring this person and yourself with him. Being friends is not a bad idea and the best place to move on to a real relationship if it moves in that direction.

    I think it is a little early in your life and with him to jump into a all or nothing drama at this point. Date him have fun get to know him have him get to know you. Things often get clearer with time if you keep your eyes open.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    "He doesn't want you to be a rebound"...

    That's the line I use when the guy aint really doing it for me. If I meet someone that's right for me, someone I could love, I'm not gonna worry about my previous relationship. Guys are go getters. They get what they want. Period.

    Sad to say: Maybe he's not that into you...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 2:35 AM GMT
    no no no, run away and spare yourself the heartache. been there done that, no no no.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11821

    May 10, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    He still has a thing for his roomie...Your just a distraction or a guy he can use to make this roomie jealous....Your being used....Move on to greener pastures.......BUD
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    May 10, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    Well, you could just tell him how you feel, like you did here, then tell him you're exiting for the time being as you want and need the real thing.

    Remember there isn't a single person walking the planet without needs. icon_wink.gif
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    May 10, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    He lives with his ex so that right there should tell you something plus he just told you that he doesn't want you as a rebound. Dude pretty much gave you his answer on the situation.

    Move on and don't look back. When your crush has his shit figured out and is over his ex (which he isn't by actions alone) then maybe something can happen but until then you need to be all about you. Tell him good things don't wait forever.
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    May 10, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    Move on.
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    May 10, 2011 4:58 AM GMT
    BambinoRex saidok, first red-flag, is that he lives with his ex. no matter what else, that's in his space all the time. it's hard to be rational or know if you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire if you still live with your ex. it's like a part of the relationship is not over.

    2nd red flag, he says he may need more time. believe him. it could be forever. that's his control, but do you want to give all the power away? love makes people irrational. he could end up taking out on you some anger at other people, and if you're a doormat who takes it, you deserve it (or at least that is the message you will be sending).

    HOWEVER

    you care about him. you are friends. so my advice would be to place yourself where you can emotionally so that you can move on with your life. do not put yourself on hold. is there a steady stream of activity in your life or is this something you will obsess over? you can make OTHER friends during the interim, they don't have to be sexual. you can get your intimacy needs met other places, without necessarily doing anything sexual (or you can be as sexual as you want, since you have no agreement, except that he needs more time).

    i've been there. and i've waited. and i've found that if you put your life on hold for someone, on some level they don't respect you. it's emotional angst. if he had a fire under his ass, he'd already have moved out.


    Co-sign
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 5:22 AM GMT
    QFT:
    Roccoe said
    No one can tell you if there is a right or wrong decision here to be made, the picture is from your view point only.

    You don't want to make a decision based on some one's play book or receipt book. This is where you start learning how to communicate understand his emotional side and yours. Why not back off a little keep exploring this person and yourself with him. Being friends is not a bad idea and the best place to move on to a real relationship if it moves in that direction.

    I think it is a little early in your life and with him to jump into a all or nothing drama at this point. Date him have fun get to know him have him get to know you. Things often get clearer with time if you keep your eyes open.


    Why does it always have to be all or nothing with you youngn's?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2011 7:19 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidQFT:
    Roccoe said
    No one can tell you if there is a right or wrong decision here to be made, the picture is from your view point only.

    You don't want to make a decision based on some one's play book or receipt book. This is where you start learning how to communicate understand his emotional side and yours. Why not back off a little keep exploring this person and yourself with him. Being friends is not a bad idea and the best place to move on to a real relationship if it moves in that direction.

    I think it is a little early in your life and with him to jump into a all or nothing drama at this point. Date him have fun get to know him have him get to know you. Things often get clearer with time if you keep your eyes open.


    Why does it always have to be all or nothing with you youngn's?


    I think the all-or-nothing approach is typical of young people regardless of being gay or straight. It's the nature of infatuation. The chemicals it releases in us as humans cause us to effectively be on a binge. and you're never going to find moderation in an neophyte addict on a binge. it's all about getting as high as you can.
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    May 10, 2011 11:52 PM GMT
    Are you having fun? If the answer is yes, keep going for it...as long as it's fun. Don't overthink these things. You can find a reason to dump anyone you come in contact with. The trick is how to keep coming back (or keep him coming back) for more. Eventually the lust/infatuation MAY change to love. If you don't ever take a chance, you'll never get the LTR you seem to want. Sure, you may get heartbroken...once...twice...or more...but if you don't take the chance...
  • iamjock

    Posts: 3

    May 11, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    try to think about this, if he is your ex and now you are hang out with another nice guy, who you will choose.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2011 1:59 PM GMT
    do you ever post something that relates almost directly to your current situation?

    I basically keep re-reading my response as if someone else were telling me the same thing.

    and based on that, I've been moving on with my life. the guy i like hasn't been written off, but it's one of this "option versus priority" type situations. i've been there before, and if I'm not a priority to someone else, then there is a man who will make me his number 1 priority, and I see him every day in the mirror.