How can someone go from "I love you" to "I hate you" in an instant?

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    May 11, 2011 4:35 AM GMT
    So this story starts years ago (circa 2007). My first bf and I broke up after some drug problems (his part), some ego problems (my part), some emotional problems (our part). I got hurt and basically wanted to sit in the corner by myself.

    About a year later, I met another guy as a friend. He was young, inexperienced, cute, smart, and we got along. Well, he pursued me and I rebuffed but he persisted. I travelled for work alot and even when we were together never really acknowleged our relationship as being that important. Basically we "dated" for 2 years. We had "date" night but it was reluctant and basically I felt like he badgered me into doing stuff together. And when we did it was on my terms. He always gave in with little or no resistance. He gave, I received and didn't acknowlege. As a sidenote, during this time I was diagnosed with follicular lymphoma, which is in remission (complete remission now) which depressed me and made me withdraw more, but I never really brought this up with him (it was kind of a personal thing that I saw as a weakness rather then a happenstance of life; I only told really really close family).

    Shockingly enough, he left one day. No big scene, no notice, just quit calling and responding to texts. It took me awhile and I was fine at first, then I really started to miss him. Alot. I think if I'd given just alittle, it could have worked out but I didn't. And get this, I got him a job with my company so we see each other I'd say at least once a week just passing (thankgod our schedules are opposite). He's been passive-aggressive with me and very very hostile. I tried apologize and explain how I was feeling and make amends, only to be shot down pretty brutally. It doesn't help seeing each other and it also doesn't help all my friends telling me how he "got cute" after we broke up.

    Honestly, while I was a pretty shitty boyfriend, he had his own issues (he had a bit of a truth problem and liked to lie because he felt I'd dissapprove of things) and I was never violent or anything like that so I tell myself I was a bad but I could have been worse. I'd say its 80/20 me and him why it never worked.

    Basically I can't figure out how someone can go from "I love you" one day to literally "I hate you" the next day. It makes me question if he only liked me because I got him a job, had nice things, seemingly had a good life, etc. Thats what hurts the most I think. My first ex, while having turned into a drug-addled, lying, unstable mess, would have jumped up to help me (and did) when I was sick even though we were on pretty bad terms. And I would have done the same for him, even at the worst of times. I'd take back the last few years if I could in an instant but it just eats at me that a) I gave up something good, or b) I dated a sociopath who just used me a career and a nice car? Wtf?
  • iamjock

    Posts: 3

    May 11, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    i read your story and i think that you guys need a communication. or it will be bad forever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 6:38 AM GMT
    melloyello saidHe was young, inexperienced, cute, smart, and we got along. Well, he pursued me and I rebuffed but he persisted. I travelled for work alot and even when we were together never really acknowleged our relationship as being that important. Basically we "dated" for 2 years. We had "date" night but it was reluctant and basically I felt like he badgered me into doing stuff together. And when we did it was on my terms. He always gave in with little or no resistance. He gave, I received and didn't acknowlege...It took me awhile and I was fine at first, then I really started to miss him.


    My "ex" and I had some similar issues. I hesitate to call him an "ex" because he was never really into us as a relationship. It was more like your situation -- just long term dating. I was (am) young and inexperienced, and back then not always truthful with who I was because I was still in denial about liking boys (at the time, I didn't realize it was okay to like boys and girls both). But I was at least honest with with him and glad to have him there to guide me.

    I was really into him and fully dedicated to making him happy. In hindsight, he wasn't nearly as caring, hot, and nice as I thought he was. I was his rebound guy.

    He held it against me that was young and still in the process of finding myself. My being smart, funny, warm etc. was not enough -- he always seemed bored. I always had to push and pursue and beg (that should have been my first signal). He never complimented my looks. He was cool, calm, reluctant, very little passion outside of sex. But we had so much in common and the sex was awesome so I figured he appreciated me.

    That is, until I met someone who actually appreciated me. It's a wakeup call when you have an incredibly hot, smart, talented guy -- way hotter, way smarter, way nicer than the guy stringing you along -- tell you "You're beautiful." And then you look at the other guy and see that he's not all that in the first place and realize you deserve better.

    It doesn't really happen overnight. But the flip switched one day, and it dawned on me I was out of his league -- so why was I the one putting in all the effort?

    My guess is your boyfriend tired of being underappreciated. He didn't "get cute" he just "got confident" which looks the same sometimes.

    I'm sorry you didn't realize what you had when you had it :0(
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    May 11, 2011 10:51 AM GMT
    Sorry man, it sounds like you gave up something good. Just make sure you don't do it again the next time love comes around.
  • shawn06

    Posts: 337

    May 11, 2011 11:06 AM GMT
    We don't realize what we have until we have lost it. You just simply have to give it time to get over him now, or at least give him time to reconsider you. I will admit I have been through this to as my ego was the same way, even though I ended up leaving him, I did not see this problem until I did not have him anymore. Lesson learned and now I know not to be that same asshole that I was with him. Good thing is I'm well over him and it feels good to be out of that situation now icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 11:06 AM GMT
    Mixleanmachine saidSorry man, it sounds like you gave up something good. Just make sure you don't do it again the next time love comes around.


    The best advice ever.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 11, 2011 11:58 AM GMT
    Some people get tired of putting all the effort into a relationship. One of my friends was pretty good about being a flake, and all of last summer I couldn't actually get in contact with her, and whenever I did she was all "too busy got to go" or "I already have plans". And would say "I'll call you back" but she never did.

    Eventually you get to the point where the relationship (regardless of what kind it is) just isn't worth having anymore.

    That and you find other people who are worth the effort, and will return your invested energy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 1:11 PM GMT
    I broke up with a guy I'd been dating and to him it seemed to come out of nowhere, but that wasn't the case. He just forgot about all the
    times I tried to talk to him about the problems we were having.
    I don't know if it really goes from "I love you" to "I hate you" so quickly. It builds up and one day you just reach a saturation point and decide it's just not working anymore.
    I was at fault too because I understood that I was falling in love and he wasn't, but I stuck around hoping it would change (duh).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 1:20 PM GMT
    It's in the second sentence.. "drug problems"..

    nothing else needs explaining!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 2:10 PM GMT
    icon_eek.gif always been a giver here.....lol, so i totally understand your story. and i agree to all the people here who replied.. icon_sad.gif ......
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    May 11, 2011 2:22 PM GMT
    "How can someone go from "I love you" to "I hate you" in an instant? "

    That's simple; It's called Gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 2:25 PM GMT
    as to the specific question, it's not that it's a binary. it's not a switch. it's more of a tipping point. it doesn't magically switch over, but once it's gone past a certain paint.

    also, i sometimes wonder how much we are programmed to create tragic outcomes for ourselves because that's what people see and what they expect for themselves.

    it's more dramatic to create tension when you know what the right thing to do is. it's kinda like working out. you push and push yourself and you grow. but emotionally, with a relationship, it's like working out with someone else's muscles....and your "muscle fatigue" may be a permanent injury for them.

    my ex was like that. i don't like conflict. he does. he'd push and push because he likes the drama of fighting. he didn't realize that he was exhausting me. that i viewed it as what it was: deliberate witholding of affection to create drama. by the time i was ready to actually fight, it wasn't to brawl and then have make up sex. it was just to beat a path to the door.
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    May 11, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    Thanks for the advice guys. I'm pretty over it now, I just have momentary relapses periodically.

    I just get a weird mix of bitter/angry/sorrow/hope feelings whenever we see each other. I think if we could just shake hands and "let go" I'd be fine, its his aggression that keeps the mixed feelings going. Its hard to decide whether its self-preservation to keep himself away or he really hates me.

    Mixlean, thats exactly how I feel. People kind of just grow on you, sometimes without you knowing until its too late. Thats what happened here. I can honestly say I never *meant* to hurt him, I just had a rough period in my own life and went an emotionally selfish route. Its no excuse, I should have been more considerate. This is one of those "learning experiences" in life, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

    TropicalMark, the "drug" references were my first ex boyfriend, who kinda had a narcissistic period himself and got involved with the pretty-boy drug crowd. Thankfully he's cleaned himself up and is doing well. He and I are actually closer then ever, we transitioned from a boyfriend kinda love to a brotherly type and can literally discuss everything. His take on this is "You majorly fucked up during the relationship but he's treated you so bad ever since you broke up, it voids alot of what you did and shows you deep down what kind of person he was."
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    May 11, 2011 6:26 PM GMT
    Nest time try to be less of an a-hole. ;) It sounds like it wasn't really over night, but over time he just gave up. A guy can only take so much of no return. I'm surprised it took him that long.

    And congrats on the 100% remission, that is amazing news!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 6:30 PM GMT
    usually, if this happens... woman.jpg

    this will happen next... 2503669138_606b7c6f9d.jpg

    but make up sex is hot.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 6:33 PM GMT
    Yes. If they're crazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    BambinoRex saidas to the specific question, it's not that it's a binary. it's not a switch. it's more of a tipping point. it doesn't magically switch over, but once it's gone past a certain paint.


    Agreed. Very smart advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    melloyello saidThanks for the advice guys. I'm pretty over it now, I just have momentary relapses periodically.

    I just get a weird mix of bitter/angry/sorrow/hope feelings whenever we see each other. I think if we could just shake hands and "let go" I'd be fine, its his aggression that keeps the mixed feelings going. Its hard to decide whether its self-preservation to keep himself away or he really hates me.

    Mixlean, thats exactly how I feel. People kind of just grow on you, sometimes without you knowing until its too late. Thats what happened here. I can honestly say I never *meant* to hurt him, I just had a rough period in my own life and went an emotionally selfish route. Its no excuse, I should have been more considerate. This is one of those "learning experiences" in life, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

    TropicalMark, the "drug" references were my first ex boyfriend, who kinda had a narcissistic period himself and got involved with the pretty-boy drug crowd. Thankfully he's cleaned himself up and is doing well. He and I are actually closer then ever, we transitioned from a boyfriend kinda love to a brotherly type and can literally discuss everything. His take on this is "You majorly fucked up during the relationship but he's treated you so bad ever since you broke up, it voids alot of what you did and shows you deep down what kind of person he was."
    Understood.. I just read "broke up with my ex after drug problems(his part).." I didnt go any farther!..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 11, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    I'd say you send the new guy an e-mail or text msg clarifying the situation and just tell him how it was like (no asking to get back nor a direct apology) just tell him that u appreciate his feelings he had for you and how he was nice to you and that it will mean a lot to you if you became good friends no harm no fowl!

    I hope this is what you want hear...
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    May 12, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    Actually, writing this down and then rereading it made me see kinda how desperate it seemed. I think any further contact wouldn't help, I'm just going to smile, be the better man and not say anything bad and just move on.

    I think this also plays into the "you're never over your ex till you find someone new thing." Its tough to make connections in our community is all I can say.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 12, 2011 4:10 AM GMT
    its really tough. but you're doing the right thing, Good luck on finding the new..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    _Mohammed_ saidusually, if this happens... woman.jpg

    this will happen next... 2503669138_606b7c6f9d.jpg

    but make up sex is hot.



    You're a hoot! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 11, 2011 1:28 AM GMT
    I usually go from zero to bitch in .5 seconds, so I assume it's something along those lines.