What's wrong with me?!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 08, 2008 5:44 AM GMT
    So after work today I had dinner with some friends and then we hit up a club afterwards. I met this really gorgeous guy (the unattainable eye-candy type) and we were making good conversation and everything just felt right ... Then all of sudden he made this random comment; "I've never been with an Asian dude before ..." I was really turned off ... and then I got really mad. I have no idea why ... it wasnt even the first time I've heard that before ... what the hell is wrong with me?
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    Apr 08, 2008 7:14 AM GMT
    well... he was being honest. Get over the race hangups, man. We're only human. icon_razz.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 08, 2008 10:45 AM GMT
    Sounds like a dumb comment ...yeah
    but an innocuous one
    What if he'd said to someone..I've never been with a black guy before
    or a latin guy before
    or an Irish guy before?

    All pretty harmless
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    Apr 08, 2008 1:31 PM GMT
    agreed....harmless comment.....If I was in your shoes, I would have taken that opportunity to flirt even more and get him interested....I wouldn't get serious.
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    Apr 08, 2008 3:02 PM GMT
    I know that's just it ... harmless comment ... I dont really give a damn usually ... I respect people and you cant help what attracts you to a person ... looking back at it now I feel really stupid. But it just felt really weird when he said that to me. I am such a weirdo ....
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    Apr 09, 2008 7:05 PM GMT
    Ray788 saidI know that's just it ... harmless comment ... I dont really give a damn usually ... I respect people and you cant help what attracts you to a person ... looking back at it now I feel really stupid. But it just felt really weird when he said that to me. I am such a weirdo ....


    I'm sure it did...saying something like "I've never been with an Asian guy before" makes it sound like its on some sort of checklist.

    My ex-boyfriend said to me once when we first started dating, "I've never been with an older guy before."
    (he's 24)

    I was like, "Oh, am I some sort of experiment?"

    icon_rolleyes.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Apr 09, 2008 7:28 PM GMT
    Maybe because you felt he wasn't seeing you, but your race. I can see why you'd be pissed about being objectified in that way.
  • Muunrakur

    Posts: 169

    Apr 09, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    Maybe your reaction was a fluke, or maybe you just expected him to be a little more charming! I don't think we see the hot, eye-candy types and fantasize about them chatting us up and saying stupid things, we expect the total package.

    Maybe you were taken by surprise and it just ruined the whole idea of this guy. I don't think you're a weirdo, we all have weird hangups. Back when I was into the clubs, guys who took their shirts off were automatically disqualified for me, it was (and is) a huge turn off that I can't really explain.
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Apr 09, 2008 7:38 PM GMT
    Ray, just because someone said something that pissed you off does not mean that you have something "wrong with" yourself, or that you are "a weirdo" as you suggest. Feelings are ok, and sometimes we never know why we have them or always what they mean.

    I suspect that EricLA is correct in that you felt objectified in some way. If you find that you are habitually taking offense at stray comments people might direct at you, then you might have an issue to get over. Otherwise, just forget about it (and him) and move on.
  • Sirkit

    Posts: 182

    Apr 09, 2008 11:01 PM GMT
    I can see how it would be off putting. It was probably just an offhand comment in the context of a bar where really visuals is all we have to go on. It's unfortunate that you got tripped up on it but I would never say 'get over the race thing'. As much as we like to think that conceptions of race don't effect how people work and deal with each other, we are so very wrong.

    I've found that with my 'Asian' friends it becomes a game of gauging where the comment comes from. Not to start insulted but to be able to work up to that point if the comment was intended to be racially discriminating.

    I think the point of his comment was really in the first half though 'I've never been with...' he had every intent of getting off with you. Pity he finished it the way he did.
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    Apr 09, 2008 11:05 PM GMT
    There's nothing at all wrong with you. It's him. This is the kind of comment someone makes when they feel awkward and don't know what to say.

    You might even take it as a sign that he's little smitten with you.
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    Apr 10, 2008 12:04 AM GMT
    Ray788 saidSo after work today I had dinner with some friends and then we hit up a club afterwards. I met this really gorgeous guy (the unattainable eye-candy type) and we were making good conversation and everything just felt right ... Then all of sudden he made this random comment; "I've never been with an Asian dude before ..." I was really turned off ... and then I got really mad. I have no idea why ... it wasnt even the first time I've heard that before ... what the hell is wrong with me?


    I know this may sound strange, but maybe he was a bit nervous because he really likes you. Sometimes people say stupid things when they are nervous (I have been guilty of that in the past).
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    Apr 10, 2008 12:11 AM GMT
    It's a demoralizing comment because he's lumping you in with your entire race rather than seeing you as an individual. It makes you sound like a token "experience" for him. Of course, context is everything and the same words can take on completely different meanings considering the environment and the energy of the guy saying them. But I can definitely see why you'd be put off.

    In other words, you're just fine the way you are RayRay!
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    Apr 10, 2008 12:24 AM GMT
    If I were your friend I would tell you that you're a complete idiot.

    Someone who you are attracted to starts chatting you up and it so happens they accidential say something that made you mad. I don't think he would intentionally do that if he is spending the time to talk to you. It was just a stupid comment on his part. Forget about it.

    So you told us you got mad, but you never told us what you did after he said it. What did you do? I hope you didn't bite his head off.
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    Apr 13, 2008 3:58 AM GMT
    Sorry to derail the thread a little. If another Asian says, "I really think you are cute for an Asian guy"? Should that be taken as offensive? What should one say to that? icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif
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    Apr 13, 2008 4:19 AM GMT
    Ray788, what was his facial expression or tone when he said that to you? With just only the words, it could go either way. I would factor in the context clues provided by how he he said it and if he was smiling as in a friendly non-put down joke.
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    Apr 13, 2008 4:46 AM GMT
    I think it depends on the guy. I

    If someone comes to me and says I have never been with a mixed guy before...I am pretty annoyed with it. One because you are instantly putting me in this seperate catagory in an attempt to make me feel special.

    Comments like that never need to be said. Because really, who cares? Just keep comments like that to yourself because they are unnecessary and can cause immediate conflict to what could become a good thing.
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    Apr 13, 2008 4:47 AM GMT
    ides saidSorry to derail the thread a little. If another Asian says, "I really think you are cute for an Asian guy"? Should that be taken as offensive? What should one say to that? icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gif


    sounds like they are slightly self loathing...you should back away slowly.
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    Apr 13, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    str8hardbody saidIt's just a comment. I said before I never been with a black dude before and the guy was not offended. get over iticon_razz.gif


    Hmmm this is interesting. If you don't mind me asking - why did you feel the need to tell the guy you were with that? Did it add anything to your time with him...i am curious.


    sorry for the multiple replies folks but this is a topic that ruffles my feathers a little bit.
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    Apr 13, 2008 5:05 AM GMT
    LaSalle04 said

    Hmmm this is interesting. If you don't mind me asking - why did you feel the need to tell the guy you were with that? Did it add anything to your time with him...i am curious.


    sorry for the multiple replies folks but this is a topic that ruffles my feathers a little bit.


    Positive spin: Perhaps he was just being honest and wanted the guy to know that this is uncharted territory for him. He may also be hoping that the statement may head off any potential misunderstanding due to cultural differences. Similar to why one might say "I have never done this before"
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    Apr 13, 2008 5:15 AM GMT
    Lazz saidIf I were your friend I would tell you that you're a complete idiot.

    Someone who you are attracted to starts chatting you up and it so happens they accidential say something that made you mad. I don't think he would intentionally do that if he is spending the time to talk to you. It was just a stupid comment on his part. Forget about it.

    So you told us you got mad, but you never told us what you did after he said it. What did you do? I hope you didn't bite his head off.


    LOL. I didnt throw a tantrum or anything. Right after he finished his drink I basically said "well ... peace out" ... and got up and left.
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    Apr 13, 2008 5:33 AM GMT
    relokou saidRay788, what was his facial expression or tone when he said that to you? With just only the words, it could go either way. I would factor in the context clues provided by how he he said it and if he was smiling as in a friendly non-put down joke.


    It started off with "hey" and then the sort of get-to-know-each-other part then some flirting ... basically it went like this ...

    Kyle: "so youre really cute"

    Me: "so are you ... youre gorgeous"

    Kyle: "yeah ... I've never been with an asian dude before"

    In my mind I was "uh huh." Its like how do I respond to that ... should I be flattered? Should say why? More and more I thought about it I felt like punching him in the face ...
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    Apr 13, 2008 5:41 AM GMT
    I just wanted to say thanx to all of your for your honest opinions.
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    Apr 13, 2008 6:36 AM GMT
    That kinda sounded like a come-on, dude, with intentions of getting to know you better in a vertical way. I'm willing to bet he said it in a playful hintful way and you just killed it by being easily offended. It was quite an innocent comment and it probably had some truth to it.

    Oh well. Lesson learned I guess. There is always a next time with someone else. You should've played it off and been like "Well then, grasshopper. Let me show you the ways of "Phuck-yu". LOL. Spesaking from experience concerning this comment I just let it roll off my back. I fooled around with this one guy awhile back who said exactly the same thing as your friend. Since I'm mixed it caught me off guard but I thought nothing off it since he said it a sexual way. I played off if as cute then "Well once you go black you never go." We both laughed and I could see he was tunred on. He asked what else I was mixed with me and I told him to by a few more drinks and he'd fine out. The night was still young.

    Needless to say he found out and we both had a good time and then continued having a few more good times after that *wink wink*. In short you just missed an open invitation to show what it's like to be with an asian.
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    Apr 13, 2008 11:07 AM GMT
    Ray788 said[quote][cite]relokou said[/cite]Ray788, what was his facial expression or tone when he said that to you? With just only the words, it could go either way. I would factor in the context clues provided by how he he said it and if he was smiling as in a friendly non-put down joke.


    It started off with "hey" and then the sort of get-to-know-each-other part then some flirting ... basically it went like this ...

    Kyle: "so youre really cute"

    Me: "so are you ... youre gorgeous"

    Kyle: "yeah ... I've never been with an asian dude before"

    In my mind I was "uh huh." Its like how do I respond to that ... should I be flattered? Should say why? More and more I thought about it I felt like punching him in the face ... [/quote]

    If that was me, I'd be blushing like hell and then contemplating asking him to marry me. ROFL