new guy here need some thoughts on an ended relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    I have met this great guy a few years back on a guy site.
    He was out to only a few close friends
    Was separated from his wife and had 2 kids
    We chatted online for quite some time before we met in person.
    After our meet he chased me big time
    Nothing bad at all, but wanted me to know I was the only one for him
    and wanted to make a go at a relationship with me.
    I had told him in our online chats I had a bad relationship and was left for someone else in the past and that I had my guard up and wanted to take things slow
    But we continued to communicate online on the phone and via text very frequently.
    We got together at least every other weekend.
    He eventually introduced me to his close friends his kids even his soon to be ex wife
    He would drive down to me or I would drive up to him. For weekends together
    There would be a few times I would be uncertain of things and back away some.
    He would notice this and immediately email me with questions to be sure the relationship was on the right track and to have me relieve some of his insecurities he had.
    I had no issue with that and assured him I was on the fence because of the past and assured him I was 100% into the relationship and not seeing or looking for anyone else
    He would send the nicest emails and text letting me know how he was thinking of me counting down the days to out next visit or trip together.
    It was amazing. Sex was great also.
    I finally opened up and let him into my heart.
    We would go to Yankee games together with his kids. Spend holidays together even met alot of his family it was going great.
    It was a long distance relationship but it was working for both of us.
    But then he started to become distant
    I really didn’t think much of it at first I just thought the honeymoons phase was over.
    We never argued, no disagreements to cause trouble at all.
    The last weekend together was like this, I was to come up but leave early Sunday because he had a business trip to go on but that fell threw the last min so he wanted me to stay longer. So I changed my plans and did just that.
    I was updating his ipad wile he cooked diner in the kitchen
    I came across grindr
    I have not been on any gay site in years so I wasn’t 100% sure the exact type of site it was. But his profile had himself as single and looking for a relationship
    I confronted him with it and he told me he was looking for other dads with kids to help him with some issues he was having with his kids.
    I accepted it at the time with a slight amount of uncertainty. And we continued with our weekend.
    I got home checked out the app and it was just as I thought it was a hook up app
    I know there are some apps you can actually make or seek friends on like this site but grindr is a hook up app. And if he truly was looking for dads with kids he could have listed that in his profile.
    Even he knew as we talked about it in the beginning that there is no reason to be on any gay site wile in a relationship.
    So I called and said listen I have an issue with you being listed as single on that app
    I can not and will not tell you what to do.
    I just want you to know it bothers me and would like you to change it.
    I basically got to boot and the door slammed in my face.
    was told he was spent and needed down time
    I let him be for about a week
    I got no call text or email from him.
    I sent a text about a week later…got no reply
    I sent and email the next day… not a word
    Called left a message to please call to talk …….nothing
    He finally texted stating he had a lot on his plate and needed down time.

    I had my classic car stored up in his garage for about a year and I used to swap cars every once in a wile
    I sent a reply to him that stated I was going to come up to get my car the following week and give him the time he needs.

    Days later, he texted me asking if I felt the need to pick up my car without leaving my other.

    I replied you are not communicating with me and are on a hook up site
    I am going to pick it up so I can work on it at home and give you the time you need to figure things out
    .
    Got a reply in a text “fine I thought about it it’s over good luck to you”

    That’s it
    total and 100% shut out of his and his kid’s life in an instant

    I later found he also removed my sister and i from face book

    I was not and never expected it to end like this

    We had very small issues in the past that we gotten past no problem
    And even this issue I thought we could work past it

    I sent about 3 emails in the month or so since and have gotten no reply at all.
    Not bad emails just what happened and why and I kind of thought we had more type emails.


    I know it’s over
    I am trying to move on
    I really loved the guy and for a wile we were going to spend the rest of our lives together
    But I not only lost him
    I lost his kids also
    How can someone shut down so totally and completely on someone?

    Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Before thoughts, here's a hug

    *HUG*

    "He eventually introduced me to his close friends his kids even his soon to be ex wife."

    This sounds like you were his first, post-marriage. So there was an added bit of emotional risk in this situation. You conducted yourself, from what you've posted, in an exemplary manner and that's really what counts in the future ahead of you.

    Is there any way that this can be made to hurt less? Nope. Just kind words and thoughts from others, with me having the privilege of being first to do so.

    The way past it is through it, to quote another RJ member. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 6:30 PM GMT
    I'd like to compliment you on your rational, thoughtful and concise explanation of events. So few people can actually take a step back and assess the end of a relationship without emotion, drama or fatigue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 7:40 PM GMT
    Excellently conducted sir, I like a true gentleman. I know you may feel like everything sucks really bad, but don't fret, because everything happens for a reason.... and this man was put into your life, for a good time, and a lesson for the future. Now look only ahead, as you continue life, grieve not for what was lost, but look into the future with anticipation at what's to come.

    He may come around, he may not.... everything he does is up to him, and totally out of your hands... so don't fret on it if it all possible, find joy within.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    He was lucky to have you. But he obviously isn't ready for a serious relationship especially having come out of a marriage and discovering the easy world of gay hookups on sex sites at the convenience of your phone.

    I am divorced with kids but didn't stay single long, since us divorced guys tend to be domesticated and fall into a relationship easily.

    But in his case it sounds like he wants to just play. And there's nothing you can do about it. Its too bad he wasn't honest about it but left you hanging, thats just plain cruel.

    I'd definitely kick his ass and steal my car back.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your relationship fallout. Big hugs.

    Some guys are just too greedy! They want it all, a loyal boyfriend, guys on the side for fun! If I discovered grindr on my bf's phone I came across what you read on his profile, I will give him just once chance to explain his ass cause more than likely i will drop his ass. Unfortunately, i don't tolerate infidelity. Yeah its gonna hurt, but eventually I will move on. The fact is he doesn't respenct you when having a hookup app on his phone.

    Long distance relationships are a haven for secrets. Each get their own space for the most part while cherishing the little time together. It sucks to get the door slammed in your face again. Sometimes love is just that hard, maybe thats why there are alot of single hot guys on this site. Simplicity right? icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    keep shit in perspective. What you sound like you want is a monogamous committed relationship. That's a tall order.

    I am in a relationship for a year now, its casual, but we see each other almost every night.

    I have Grindr on my phone, and he meets people through adam or other sites. But at the end of the day we have each other.

    In other words, men may come and go, but we remain. Its unconventional but then so is much of gay life.

    Adjust your expectations. You might be able to find an ideal relationship or happiness with what you have, as opposed to one that you wish you had.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 13, 2011 11:14 PM GMT

    IMHO I think he never took you seriously. The long distance relationship didn't help either.
    I used to go years back in Toronto, Ontario to a gay fathers group thinking I'll meet other single gay men with kids. Instead I met married/separated middle aged men with lots of issues.
    He's definitely in a "make up" for lost years stage right now.

    I think you were very courageous. Cherish the good moments and move on. All the best to you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 15, 2011 12:52 AM GMT
    Thanks Guys
    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    Ok
    here it is 5 months later.
    I have been moving on.
    I get a text this morning wishing luck and to be safe from the pending hurricane.
    No contact from him at all in over 5 months.
    Than this.
    What's your guys take on this.

    I have not replied to his text.
    4 months ago when I got no response from my last email to him I deleted all his contact info.
    I only know it's from him from the area code.
    And his text today has been already deleted.


  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Aug 28, 2011 12:53 AM GMT
    He sounds like a sick and twisted individual.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    Ugh, remember what he did the last time he had any power over you...

    "I later found he also removed my sister and i from face book."

    Texting is too easy; if you mattered that much he could have phoned. If you mattered that much he would have been in touch long before now. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    Yea I know I don't matter to him.
    I just trying to put It into prospective why he thought the need to even send a text to someone he totally and completely ignored for over 5 months.
    Yea there is a huricaine approaching. But 5 months ago, what he did to me was far worse than any hurricane could do to me now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2011 1:26 AM GMT
    He may have found it wasn't as green on the other side of the fence as he thought. If you haven't totally written him off, id reply to him saying only "survived the storm doing ok " See what he replies and evaluate.
    Good Luck
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Aug 28, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    Maybe he thinks you are ready to move on to the next phase-being friends.

    He did like you. It just didn't go over how you both thought it would.

    If you want to see where things go, just reply back no more congenially than you have before.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 28, 2011 1:34 AM GMT
    get over and move on
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 05, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    I have gotten over and moved on. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 05, 2011 2:08 AM GMT
    Jyagnd saidYea I know I don't matter to him.
    I just trying to put It into prospective why he thought the need to even send a text to someone he totally and completely ignored for over 5 months.
    Yea there is a huricaine approaching. But 5 months ago, what he did to me was far worse than any hurricane could do to me now.


    simple hooking up is not as satisfactory as he thought it would be. he's extremely horny now and wants to fuck around with you. it's that any port in a storm thing...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 05, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    Yea I kinda think he realizes what he lost and looked at the storm as a way to make contact again